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 Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2012 4:02 pm
The notebook Melvin gave Rep to fill in three pages in each day. The writing is neat and methodological but with no paragraphs or any major grammar. Various words are mis-spelled. The first three pages are as follows.
So I'm writing this s**t because I have no other ******** choice, because I want to have my hot chocolate that makes this shithole of an island tolerable. I don't know what to write, like there isn't much to write. I mean what do people ******** write in journals for is it for their feelings? That just seems like ******** blackmail fodder like putting your thoughts on paper and leaving it around for some guy to find and like use against you, everyone is out for like themselves so why would anyone do that in the first place. I guess I need to make up these pages so I'm going to have to ramble like crazy about anything to keep nerdmaster happy. Maybe I should start at like the beginning? I mean I don't even know when the beginning was really like I was born I guess, it was in december, I bet it was cold man we never had warm s**t in winter and the hosues were always baltic I wonder how mum even worked while she was pregnant like how she made money and s**t that would ******** suck months where she couldn't do anything cause like bitches can't while they have a kid growing there right? Anyway I bet it was cold cause it always was cold and rainy and dark too. I liked the winter but other kids hated it I could go out and like look around shops and s**t where they were warm and cosy and light, sometimes I could even steal s**t I used to bring perfume and makeup home to mum and when she wore them I was proud as ********. Anyway I don't know what I'm saying I was born in a december and then I grew up and that was pretty easy I could do what I wanted and no one ever scolded me or gave me into trouble even when I felt like I should have been in
deep s**t for the things I did. I hated that mum never shared her ******** money, women are so greedy, she always ******** spent it all. She died and I guess it was better for her but it was never better for me when she died I was too old to be fostered out but too young to work and I ended up with nowhere to live that was pretty ******** s**t, sometimes people would let me sleep on their couches but not for long it kept cramping their lives and I had to go on again. When I got like my own place it was great and when I had success it was even greater (is greater a word I don't know) and I had a ton of s**t and lots of money. Even then though man I was like bored or something so I went out to clubs with my mates and s**t and got drunk and high and tried to have fun but fun wasn't fun enough without a fight without something to keep going and it was killing me so when they said do you want to come to the island I was like sure. What could it hurt, and it did hurt but not in the same way as I was hurting before, just pain that was easy as ******** to manage and suddenly I had a fun thing to do that was fighting. The guys made it even better I love fighting with them there, when I first fought alongside ace it was like man I was like i'd found someone who could do all the things I couldn't we fight good like he is always where I'm not and I'm really kind of gutted that now I chopped off rins arm that I might not be able to fight again or like that I might hurt him or Jordan by accident and then I couldn't live with myself. I sometimes can't live with myself now. Why the ******** am I writing all this stupid feelsy rubbish I should be
writing about badass things like dragons with guns on their backs shooting like soldiers riding on sharks, not writing about how I'm sad I can't do anything ******** right and how the more I try and do things the worse it always ends up. I want things to be normal but nothing ever was normal and normal is boring and stuff. I'm glad Ace is sleeping again, I don't know why he wasn't and I couldn't keep awake to make sure he was, I was really worried, I don't want anything to go wrong even though I know one day something will. When he was sleeping I was glad because it meant he was maybe okay bit I still worry why it was. I worry a lot and writing it down makes me realise I'm going soft I never used to deal with all this s**t I like when I was younger just did stuff why is it different now. I don't understand why it would happen that way. I need to man up and stop thinking all the time, I need drink I need drink again and maybe drugs, I don't know what I need but I can't cope sometimes sometimes this place gets too much for me and even fighting doesn't help and I can feel how close I am to losing it all and losing the guys and how being a sun means I might never get to grow old and that kind of gets to me so feelings seem more important. I'm just writing to fill up a page it doesn't mean anything its just words and words are hard and they pin things on paper like pinning up a skin and then the feelings are there and like can be used against you and I don't want my words to be used against me I ******** hate smart people and sometimes I wonder if I could have been a smart person if I could have changed things. If things would be different.
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Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2012 9:15 am
The next three pages are much the same in appearance as the first, other than a conspicuous hot chocolate ring on the paper where someone clearly left a mug sitting on it.
I guess today I'll tell a story for these stupid pages I have to fill up. When I was younger I went to the zoo with the school and we saw all the animals and I remember the tiger it was the most awesome animal there but all it did was walk up and down up and down and like years later I learned cause like it wasnt right for it it was going kind of crazy like the cage it was in was too small and it was bored and it kept doing the same thing. Sometimes when we are on island I feel like that tiger walking up and down all the time like up and down up and down but instead of walking I fight with people and do the same things over and over again. I dunno though maybe I'm just stupid and cant stop it. The island is kind of like a zoo though cause you can like watch people. I watch people a lot even though they think I don't, I'm just stupid and I don't know much about them. Well I like I dunno I get feelings about people, like I mean I feel like some people are good mostly but other people I know aren't and I learn who hurt me a lot. Candace is a good person I think, like right deep down, she will mostly do the right thing, but she still gets to me a lot when she doesn't realise the things she's saying and how sharp they hurt. She is Ace's friend and I should be okay with that when she hugs him and stuff but I'm not because I'm worried she'll hurt him with sharp words she doesn't realise and that I won't be able to do anything about it. I think Marcus might be the same sometimes, tripping over his words and getting in the way of being a nicer person. I think most people want to do the right thing but always end up hurting others because words
get in the way and only some people are smart at them. So in the end people just stab one another all the time and look out for themselves because words are like a wall in the way of understanding s**t and we are all just tigers walking up and down at the wall and not able to get past. I think thats a metafour thing like. I hope Rin is okay and that she can get used to only having one arm I don't know how to help her or make her feel better anymore now we can't do the stuff we used to. Words get in the way of us most of all and I like just want to reach past them and touch her and say its okay and I'm sorry but I can't and it ends up awkward and I know she's hurting and so am I but it doesn't work. I would never cheat on the guys or do anything that could finish what we have because I want it to be forever as long as forever can be on the island, I want to go back to Vegas when we are old and say haha remember when we first came here and all the things we did. I want to be able to remember things but only the good things because there are a lot of good things here even with the monsters and people dying. I don't want the good things to end and I wish sometimes it was okay for me to say to people that I want things to be forever and have it that people would know I meant it and that I'm not just playing around. But even if I did I don't think people would care, they think my promises are stupid and I just say it to get people to like me when I don't I try and it just doesn't end up well. I have things I want to say and ask but never will because I don't want to ruin what I have and its complicated and I hate complicated things. I don't
know why I'm still always writing these things in this book. It feels good to write them to see them all neat on paper and makes me realise that some of the things I thought were complicated aren't. Maybe one day I can write my feelings down and give them to the guys and it might make more sense. I would write them down for Rin too but I'm not so good at this writing thingy. I don't know what else to say really, my days aren't all that exciting and I miss sparring, it was a good way to talk to people without losing manly and you can learn a lot about someone from how they react when you punch them in the mouth and laugh. But now I can't do that anymore because I have to be all careful and s**t in case I hurt someone else like Rin and I don't want that, not even to sasha. I want her in one nice pieve so she can really appreciate that I own all of her when I win the game and have her at my mercies. Shore leave would be really nice I think and I think I would like to go out drinking, though I don't know if I did if it would end bad because the guys would be there and normal people don't understand what living here is like or that its not gay its something else I'm not a f*****t or a queer or whatever of those words they'd want to use I just love two people a lot and that is all I am not someone different and being treated that way as if I had made a choice to be this way as if it meant I was part of a gang of people would be hard and I don't think I could do it, I would get angry. Maybe I would be better alone because I dont know if the guys would understand. I want everyone to understand each other more.
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Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2012 12:18 pm
I need to write more of this stuff I hate writing man. I guess the best thing today is that Ace is sleeping again, its a relief man like I didn't know if it was just a one off and he'd not be sleeping again but it seems like its back to normal. I still worry a bit what could have caused it, I don't know if it bothers him though. Not much does bother him though, I think when he's not hurt physically. So I do a lot of the worrying about the other things. Rin is out of the infirmary I think and I wonder what like she'll do to deal with s**t. I still can't really get through to her, she had me like look at the injury and I didn't really understand what the point was because she's still rin just without a bit of her attached anymore. Its like how Ace is still himself no matter if he gets scratched up and same for Jordan, we all get ******** up but it doesn't change who we are. Sometimes I feel like I should be more guilty than I am like as if theres a gap in me that doesn't work right where I'm like other people would probably feel bad here but I just feel like I dunno happy that shes okay and that it wasn't worse and when its other people I just don't feel anything but proud that I managed to be a proper sun and stuff. I still wonder what the ******** Melvin wants with this s**t like its just pages and pages of me talking a lot of shite. I don't really understand Melvin, I can't get him angry very easily probably because he's smart and I'm not, bit at the same time I don't feel like he's just like a normal lab guy, he's all stiff and grumpy and serious and asks all the questions but I dunno I feel like there's more to him than that. I dunno why he keeps coming back to talk to me either.
I'd like to think its because we are friends but I get the feeling its because I'm useful or just interesting to study or something, or maybe just because I'd protect him on the battle field the same way I would anyone else. There's a lot he's not saying I think, he's not a robot, he got upset when Sasha was being her usual ******** nutter of a self in the hospital and like he tries to offer usefil advce. I just don't know man, I don't know what to make of him. I wish I could get him angry at me because I think that would be really funny and it would get him back for talking about my ******** glasses. I think Ace was right and glasses are magical and can seduce people, like how Jerry does. I feel smarter when I have them on even if they aren't like proper glasses but I don't think they make me any smarter because this stuff is still all messy and disorganised when I write it and I don't really have any direction when I do. Maybe I should write about Tracey, I think Tracey would like that. We didn't get along at all at first because he was really gay and camp and just embarassed me. He kept picking on all the things I didn't want to deal with like men. Like the whole thing about men. But in the end it was kind of good that he did because apparently I am just so ******** manly that I like love manly and I guess men kind of fall into that by extension. I'm not gay though, I'm just really ******** manly, too much that women can handle me. But it was important Tracey kept annoying me about it because it made me realise how free I was and how I didn't have to keep going after women and could just be happy with other things.
Tracey doesn't seem smart but sometimes he kind of is. He likes romance and I guess I kind of do too even if its not always the most manly thing in the world I'm like whatever we kill s**t and fight all the time that balances the nice moments out and keeps me happy. I need to be careful though because as much as I like romance the more I let people know how much I am happy and how I don't want things to change the more they have a way to get back at me when they feel like it. I don't mind when people get angry at me and want to hurt me that's okay and its usually what I want cause it suits them and I get to know more about them when they are angry. But I don't want the guys to get hurt because of my fights like with sasha, though I think they could look after themselves I can't always be sure because Ace needs his sun sometimes to stop him being oblivious and Jordan can be too nice to people and let their words be too heavy on his shoulders. They have enough things to no be dying from without me adding more stuff onto that, so I should probably be more careful and I guess I would if fighting with Sasha didn't feel so good like as if I'm finally able to get hold of something that hurts that I didn't even know was there like when I get her that I'm getting back at something under the surface, pulling out s**t that I didn't really heal around. There's so much s**t that I should be careful of, things I shouldn't do, things I should feel bad about, but I never get like guilt or sorry so I sometimes think maybe I'm a bit broken and one day I should fix s**t when I learn how to do it. Till then I need to keep reminding myself to be careful and hope for the best.
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Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2012 8:00 am
Well today I am in a better mood and I have decided that this writing thing isn't so bad. Its kind of nice to get the words out on paper so they aren't running around and around in my head. Tracey says the word is karthartic, it means that I get to feel better by not keeping all the things in my brain. I guess I can understand it like, I worry a lot and it gets really heavy until the little worries feel huge, like dragging around Tracey with my shield almost out except I can't desummon them I just have to keep going. Days like this I don't feel so bad, like maybe I don't hate people as much as normal. Maybe I would even have a conversation with Candace without getting angry at her. Well okay maybe not. I dunnp. I mean like I think..well I wish everyone had a good happy mood at once, that would be nice like talking to people without everyone being sad or angry or scared inside their heads. I miss the weapon golems. I mean. It was annoying at the time but it was nice having Tracey on the outside, like having a secretary who could talk about things for me like tell people the things that like I can't really say out loud or whatever. Plus he was happy, there was just something about being on the outisde. He's not the only one who can pay attention to things, I saw the way he was with Ferros and I don't know man. He's even getting annoyed that I'm writing this and saying that I shouldn't think these things or say them but if he was able to harass me about thinking about sexy men when I first got onto the island then I am going to harass him about this and say it is for his own good the way him playing things
in my head was for my own good too. I really wish we had leave because today I feel like doing something nice like going out for a few drinks or watching a movie or like going to a theme park. I would like to do more fun things, fighting is fun but its nice to change things up and with no computers to play games there has to be other ways to do things. I don't know where my five of clubs from my pack of cards went, I was building a tower out of them and I think it must have gotten lost, so now it is out of whack. I wish I had speakers for my ipod like then I could blast it really loud. I miss blasting music really loud it was awesome I could like sing along and no one could hear me and could do whatever I wanted. Maybe even a big a** amp for my bass would be cool, I could shake the place with the sound of it. I don't even care about annoying people, during the day they could just deal with lady gaga, and if they didn't like it then they never had any taste anyway. I'd like to go back to the clubs, I like it when like you are so drunk and high that all you can feel is the music and that you like love everyone around you and just the best feelings. I need to get drunk again if only to feel happy about everything like that again like at the man party that Allan had where everything seemed good. I can't remember being that happy any other time. I just wasn't so happy after it when I had to think so much about things while too drunk to realise. I am glad I got drunk that time though or I would never have kissed Ace and known that maybe I wasn't as immune to things as I thought I was before. Everything has changed since then and it would be nice to relax again
though I would need to be careful of sasha because she is sneaky and I wouldn't have my guard up and don't know what I might do if she got hold of me like that. I should probably explain to the guys about sasha so they can keep an eye on me when I'm not in my right mind but they might worry at the same time and not understand that we aren't going to kill each other (probably) and that its about something else than just us and maybe that it what we need like as if we mean more than just the conflict and like man I hate her so much and she won't give in and I won't either. But today I'm like happy so I'm like maybe that's what we both need is someone to hate who can understand and handle it who isn't other people other normal people who would get upset about that sort of thing and take it personally. With us its personal but at the same time as personal as good versus evil we fight because we fight and because fighting is what we know. Its almost christmas and that means I've been here almost a year, time really went by fast. I don't know what to get the guys I don't have much money and its like what could I ever give them that would even come close to like the things they've gave me. I would want a gift that was like a way of saying I mean this and I won't ruin it and I'm happy and thank you all in one but there aren't any gifts like that and I'll probably end up getting something ******** stupid because I'm ******** stupid like some silly thing that catches my eye at the time or an ugly sweater and they'll never know the things I really wanted to give them that is everything I am and everything I have. I don't want to be sappy but I want to say something.
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Posted: Thu Nov 22, 2012 7:11 pm
Today I think is special for the americans on the island like they apparently eat a lot of food and get together with their families. I figured that was like what christmas was for but I guess you can't have too much good food and getting together with family if you have one. I spoke to Allan the other day about family too and asked if he knew about Mark's list thing that I was given like with the things that said I was related to Allan. He said we were always family which made me think that maybe I don't need a bit of paper to have a family. He had my picture that I drew on the wall and it made me really happy to see it there, I've never had anyone like keep anything I drew like that, my mum said where would she keep crap like that or it would get damp or lost or left behind. Sometimes I wonder if she was wrong all along like and if I only thought she was right because I didn't know better. But then I think if she was wrong about little things if she was wrong about everything and then I like feel kind of dizzy like it could unravel everything if I think about it too long. She couldn't be wrong because then everything I learned would be wrong and its not. I know who I am and what I stand for and s**t and its just other people who don't understand. I don't think I'm wrong about things because the thing I think are all logical and make sense. Manliness is easy its like all about power and being a certain way like. Usually in life theres like a point where you get two choices do something or don't, pick something or don't. One of those choices is the femmy womany one and the other is like, the manly one. Or that was how I saw it. Like it was like obvious.
Like drinking it was like obviously I don't get the poof juice nancy drinks I'd go for the strongest ones and s**t to show I was strongest. Instead of like hugs and s**t it was fights and whatever. It was all easy and clear. Until the guys anyway, then it got complicated cause it was like. Well being into guys was unmanly but like at the same time in my logic it made sense I mean like I hate women, women are all ******** bitches so what's up with like not wanting to stick anything near them? Way I see it being into men should like be the most manly thing around like, you can't get much more manly than that. But apparently the rules are way more ******** complicated than that and I never got the manual explaining how it works. I don't understand either how Ace is like immune to girly stuff. Like he wears pink and stuff but when he wears it it just looks really ******** good. It doesn't make him look like a woman or anything. I mean maybe its short hair, but I don't think so, I think it like goes deeper than that. Like nothing bothers him, he's just like manly enough that it just shines through whatever he wears. He's a lucky b*****d, I always feel like the minute I wear anything that isn't like overcompensating to the max that like I just look really gay and womanly. I mean even my favourite shirt. Ace wearing it would look casual and boss. I don't look anywhere as good in it. I never know if I should get my hair cut, if maybe that would help. I don't think it would, I don't know what would help. I never know what to wear anymore. It was easy back home I had a specific way I had to look, I knew who I was and what I liked or at least, what I
thought I liked. And what I liked was in style. Now I'm into things I couldn't have worn back then but at the same time I worry that the things I like are really womanly and that one day I'll like just end up with someone saying pssst, you know you are wearing a ******** dress why are you such a f**. I don't know who I am, so I become other people and like that's fine in some ways but other ways its like, it makes me struggle when I have to choose on my own or when I have to wear other things than normal clothes. Like stupid s**t. Everything is so hard here, its like, do I let go of everything and become a standard issue soldier or do I try and make myself what I could have been. Do I dare to be that guy, the person I always wanted to be but couldn't? Do I like, risk being ******** camp, being too close to womanly? Would people think less of me because of it like oh well yeah of course he's a queer look at how like typical the stuff he chooses is, I bet he was always like that. When I wasn't, when I never had the chance to be like that. Life is short but impressions are lasting and I can't afford to give people more ammo against me when so many people like use it on me already. Its a lot of hard choices that I don't think I'll even deal with right now. Cause like I don't know. Why am I even saying this in this journal. I just want some ******** hot chocolate why is that so hard to get it breaks my heart, come back portals I need you, I need so many essentials man. My razors are so ******** blunt at this point they probably couldn't cut through hair if I attached them to Tracey and swung him.
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Posted: Sat Nov 24, 2012 11:16 am
Well thanksgiving was like, I dunno what to feel about it I guess. It was like, nice, I had fun setting up the chairs even if I broke a couple of them. I liked handing out booze to people like from my stash, I mean it hurt to not have it to use against people later but it was nice I guess just to have something people wanted and would come and talk to me to get. I liked that, feeling useful and s**t. I probably shouldn't have tried to save so much of it by drinking it though, that wasn't really the best idea. I ended up pretty drunk before dinner. I was having fun though like, we all sat down together and for a little while it was like, in the movies or on tv where a family sits together and like eats and I had the guys and things seemed right. But I should really have known better than like, letting my guard down totally. I mean like, we aren't a family, I've pissed off a lot of people and some of them like really wouldn't mind if I died. It would be like Caelius, just like oh well the world's a bit better with him dead. Like, it doesn't bother me, it can't, like I made things this way, but Dakota was right, the only people who'd miss me are my guys and that's what I need to remember. These other hunters aren't my family, even though Allan says we all are, he feels like he is, he wants me to be what I can be and looks out for me but these other guys and girls have nothing at all invested in me and all I am is like a ******** nuisance to their daily lives, just Rep the ******** pain in the a** who shouldn't still be alive. Rep the guy who causes them too much hassle and problems, who says s**t they aren't comfortable hearing, who wants to do the mission even if it means
taking the hardest choice. I didn't want Ceres to die on that mission, I wasn't just going after her because I didn't like her. She was lost and it only made sense to take her out like Bix, I know her friends like, couldn't handle that and were like, I was being a d**k, they could find a cure. But I wasn't, it wasn't some ******** like, one rule for her and different rules for me. If that had been Jordan or Ace up there, it ******** hurts to admit but I'd be doing the same thing, why would I let either of them suffer like that because I selfishly wanted to keep them. Sometimes you have to do s**t because its the only thing left for you to do. Like when I found that bird that was all messed up by a cat, it wasn't going to get better, even though I wanted to like, take it home with me, even though I like dreamed of making it better and letting it go or maybe keeping it as a pet and going on adventures, it wasn't going to get better. And when I showed it to mum's boyfriend he was like no you have to kill it and broke its neck and that was what he had to do because it was going to die anyway and it meant it was okay. Sometimes after that I used to worry he might think my mum was suffering when she was high on s**t and break her neck. I was such a ******** weird kid. Still, its like I didn't want to kill Ceres. I don't want to ******** kill anyone, people are ******** important, those people could be the difference between losing this fight against halloween and winning it, we don't need to all be all ******** lovey dovey in each others faces but we do like need to at the very least have some kind of like, investment in each other's survival. What's the point in going to war
if we are more each other's ******** enemies than the monsters. We've lost sight of what's ******** important, turned in on each other stuck on this island. We should be out there united against like all the s**t that wants to hurt us and the world we left behind rather than ******** arguing about sex, or ideas or if we are nice enough to meet some ******** standard. I'm not serving people ******** cups of tea at a starbucks, I'm fighting s**t and cutting up monsters. Its not my ******** JOB to be nice, I'm not going to hold people's hand and tell them I care about them and ******** join the circlejerk of woes. I'm going to tell them what I ******** think of them because I expect them to be man enough to take it, but at the same time if I think they are great and s**t I'll tell them that too. I would never ******** betray anyone on the battlefield and as much as I wish I could say the same for the other guys on this floating disaster of an island I can't. Some of them I'm just like, they are going to stab me in the back and that's just like, how it goes in the end, few people I can trust because everyone is just all out of synch and wrong. We don't rely on one another, we can't rely on each other and we are weaker for it. The divisions are like completely their name sake for the most part, divisions, splitting people up rather than the way it should be bringing them together. Eclipse is important it like taught me the value of how much stronger we are together. But a lot of moons and suns don't get along, I feel like some moons wouldn't even like want to defend me because they don't like me which I don't understand. I mean like, I take my job serious, I'm a
sun, I fight, its what I do. I have to be ready to go out there and throw my life down on the line for people who don't give a ******** about me and I'll happily do it anyway, even if it means giving up everything I am and everything I have. Because this is where I belong. I've noticed like most of the suns are like me. Jerry wants people to like, care about him, wants to prove he's worth something and cause of that he'll go out there too and die for those people who just like think he's a nerd or whatever. He'll walk out onto that front line with the rest of us ready to like never be mourned, never be missed but to change something bigger than it all. I guess somewhere we all just want to be heroes, to be something more in the fight and in death than we were in life. I don't want to die, I don't mean to die, but if I do I hope it's doing something that matters and something that even the people who hate me will be like well maybe he wasn't such a waste of skin after all, maybe he just wanted to help us but didn't ******** know how to because things were so messed up for him for so long. Even Ofie is the same, like she just wants people to like her and thinks no one does. Sun is a sad division I think. Its mostly people who just want to be loved and respected and will do anything to have that. I mean even Jordan lives for like other people, always looking out for them and stuff, maybe that's why he ended up there too. We fly ******** high but so many of us burn up, but its a price we pay because like, at the end of the day we don't want to be remembered for who we are - but what we did.
Moon I think seems to mostly be people who like see that a lot of us are like broken I guess, but that we are kind of desperate too, I think the true moons like realise in a fight we want someone there at our back because it's ******** lonely on the battlefield and its lonely on the front line and when you fall sometimes all you have is that hand to help you back up. I don't know about life and death, I mean life seem like, from the people I've seen to be a certain kind of people too, like, there's a lot of confidence in that division. They are smart and they know where to be if they don't want to die the way we do, they look out for themselves and are like, independent and stuff. A lot of them look down their noses at us I guess, I mean we must look stupid to them, choosing to risk ourselves, stupid ******** cannon fodder, just protecting their tests and experiments, guinea pigs for things to be tried on. I bet they feel like gods sometimes, able to do things normal people can only dream of, with all those stupid little peons out there fighting their battles for them. I can understand that I guess. It probably is stupid to be out there fighting, bit I don't feel like its for no reason, I might not be smart enough to invent something that like will change the world or win the war, but maybe I can defend the person who will. And probably if I ever do, they will never know or care, because to be ******** self obsessed and arrogant, oblivious to the world outside is what you need to be I guess, if you are ever going to singularly focus on doing something specific and doing it right. I just wished we talked more between divisions like, how is a life tech going to know what sun or moon like really need if they've never worked closely with
one if they look down on them and s**t, how will a death relay intel relevant if they don't know what its relevant to? Mist should like be the guys who pull things together like stitching but some of them seem like really devoted to mist rather than anyone else. Pride in a division that like doesn't do what its meant to just bitches and ice cream and talking down at people in the divisions they are meant to have like relations with. I could be wrong I mean like what the ******** do I know, I'm just this guy in sun who hits things and shouldn't be watching other people but I do. Because people are amazing and interesting and I always wonder how they work and if under the surface they are like me, messed up and scared of being hurt. I don't think all of them are but some of them. And I want to know them, I want to know every person I've ever met and feel like in some ways I do, like I'm connected to them even if they never realise it, I have to get to know them if I'm ever able to get a reaction out of them when I insult them. Its easy to say someone is a dumb ********, its another thing to like go for a weakness you know they have because you've like watched them suffer through it, because you've kind of felt that suffering yourself by sharing it with them, because you can see that weakness and because by like pointing it out, you make them see it too, and you make them stronger, because then no one else can ever reach them that way again by mistake. I am like a hacker pointing out security flaws in a big corporate system, except rather than viruses I use words.
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