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 Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2012 10:53 am
♦Maximus Festus ♦  MainName: Maximus Festus Nick Names: The Spaniard. Alias: none Alliance: Neutral Race: Ghost ❧Physical Characteristics Age: died at 35 is 1577 Hair: short brown Eyes: ember brown Skin Tone: Tan Ethnicity: white Scars, Birthmarks, Tattoos: Roman Legion Tattoo Height: 5' 11" Weight: 0 lbs Marital Status: never married Physical Structure: ectoplasm Orientation: straight ❧Personal Info ❖Transcripts: Alignment: Neutral Criminal Record: none Level of Education: Centurion, blacksmith, farmer If Collegial: none Current Occupation: none Past Occupations: Centurion of Rome, Blacksmith, Farmer Family: none Lovers, Friends, and Others: none ❖Personal: Personality: He is an optimistic guy. Always trying to look on the brighter side of life.Though during war he is smart, militant, strategic. Always looking for a solution. People Skills: Great leader Goals: To gain a body Fears: being gone Favorites: Sword fighting, war, his farm and shop. Role Model: Julius Caesar, Alexander the great. Catch Phrase/Motto: "Time to go to war and never back down." ❧Skills,Abilities, and Powers Skills: Sword fighting, Smithing, Farming. Abilities: Temporary possession Powers: Unless being a ghost counts Weaknesses: Those of strong belief, those that have power over ghosts, and those with abilities to harm ghosts. Technology/Weapons/Pharpenilia: no weapon History Maximus was born to a Farmer/ blacksmithing family. When he did work on the farm with his brothers. He studied smithing under his father. Applying those skills till he was old enough for war. He enjoyed the stories of Julius Caesar and Alexander the great. Making them his role model for war. During his service he always made his fellow soldier smile. Trying to make life better while traveling. When most of his friends from the legion got married, he stayed focused on war. He wanted to earn his land before he settled. And that thought made others smile since the odds of living shrunk every time. Maximus was a well like Centurion near the end of Roman rule. He followed orders and by some men was a natural leader. When the Legion was thin Maximus led his men against the Gauls in a chance to hold the line. Failing he vowed he would redeem his honor and the honor of the legion. Wandering the globe as a ghost he hasn't done well. Though he had secretly advised men on how to fight. Still not succeeding on redemption. He wants to get a body or just pass on. Often comparing being a ghost to a never ending nightmare, trying to take over bodies. He has never felt satisfied about his work. Theme Song: Never back down
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Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2012 4:10 pm
No.
...
...
...
FINE... I'll get into specifics. This is going to be a long one... or, I mean, it would be if there was any sort of extended thought put into this at all. Let's begin:
1. The name. Seriously. I think I can put this up on a list of the most generic, pointless names of all time. "Inferno"... he uses fire. Cool story bro. Plus, "Zarathos"? Again it's so generic and nonsensical I can hardly read it without chuckling...
2. Demons, the Grigori, don't look like f*cking Ghost Rider. Demons are also, in fact not Ghost Rider, which is the main point you seem to be missing throughout this sheet.
3. This is something that really sunk all of this, even beyond the Ghost Rider thing... how the f*ck do you tattoo bone? He's obviously a skeleton, so whatever, but a Roman Legion tattoo? On a skeleton? A skeleton with absolutely no connection to the Roman Legion whatsoever, I might add. You did this for "cool points" which were already sunk because you're trying to bring Ghost Rider into a guild with no place for that kind of sh*t.
4. Okay, no way. No weigh to be more specific. He's a skeleton. Skeletons don't weigh that much... ever.
5. You're... not getting this. You listed his alliance as "Fallen", and yet he's a Hunter. That doesn't work because those are two completely separate factions. Did you read any of the damn rules or background? Obviously not.
6. This next bit isn't just an issue with you, but rather an issue with many people who RP; you can't sum up a person in just a few vague adjectives. It doesn't work. There is no personality here.
7. How can someone who you specifically listed as enjoying burning and eating souls want to "Earn redemption"? That's just retarded, honestly. Just one of many conflicts on this Ghost Rider sheet...
8. If I wasn't so outraged by how ridiculously unimaginative and generic this sheet is, this "catchphrase" would've made me break into laughter. "Would've" is the key word here. There's nothing funny about this much suck.
9. You've explained nothing about how he became a "Great chain fighter", and saying he's a "weapons expert" is so vague it makes me want to cause bodily harm to a small fuzzy animal. See how strange generic ideas sound? That's what this whole f*cking sheet is to me.
10. "Judgement of sins"... that's not ability, skill, or power... that's just... *sigh*
11. "Hellfire"... what the f*ck? Seriously? That's not a power, that's a generic term used to make things sound cooler. It's an effect. And you failed at using it.
12. So you're trying to tell me that this 500 year old "spirit of vengeance" uses a freaking chain, shotgun, mace, and motorcycle? All mundane? Whatever, your funeral, I don't really give a f*ck about this part.
13. This bio makes me cringe. You try and paint this deep story, but it comes up like exactly what it is: A bunch of sentence fragments all following a vague, generic structure and it comes up with nada in terms of character development. That's not even mentioning how you gave no specifics about how he stopped being an angel.
Conclusion time: Unimaginative, considering it's basically Ghost Rider... actually, no, it is Ghost Rider, with a different name. Generic, because basically everything about this is predictable and vague. Here's a suggestion... try having an original thought and taking some time to develop it. DENIED
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Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2012 5:30 pm
Prax let me take this one.
1. I'm no expert on Roman history, but by the end of the Roman Empire (more specifically the Western Roman Empire) the Gauls had long since been conquered by Julius Caesar. That's how you spell the title.
2. If he died during Caesar's campaigns against the Gauls, then he'd be way older than 577 years old... he'd be over two thousand years old, actually.
3. I thought "Festus" wasn't an actual Roman name and was about to suggest something different, but I fact-checked; you're good there.
4. His level of education does not equal his occupation; it's asking if he had formal schooling, and if so, how much of it he had.
5. Okay, so you say he's optimistic; that's a good start, but I think you can delve into how he used to be when he was alive, and how being a ghost for so long has affected him. Give us a little more to work with than two sentences; I've been able to go into paragraphs about some of my characters.
6. I'm not sure, but I think his temporary possession might be a power, not an ability; I may be wrong on that though.
7. If he's a ghost, and therefore neutral in both moral and celestial alignment, why exactly is he hurt by holy things? He's no demon, and he's not an evil person.
8. If he is a ghost, how can he carry a weapon? He'd need to have a physical form, and ghosts cannot become wholly tangible.
9. You mention he had a farm and whatnot; why did you not mention that sort of thing in his bio? What about any family he had when he was alive? A wife, children, anything? How did his death affect people close to him, and perhaps most importantly, why did he become a ghost?
In summary, this profile is rather bland, and the bio is filled with sentence fragments and is very bare-bones; and though I'm glad you're doing something relatively original, this could still use a lot of work. If you can go in and fix these things I've mentioned above that need to be fixed, then he'll be accepted; as it stands, though, he's simply not up to par with what we expect, and therefore he is DENIED.
Please, take as much time as you feel you need to work over this profile and make it as good as you feel you can make it, and then quote me, Leonidas Peridot, or Textbook Dreamer so we can look this profile over again. Thank you.
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