Alright.

So, I'm in school to become an x-ray technician. I have one/one and a half years left at the college near my home, before I transfer to another one several hours away.

I have a problem.

I'm currently on SSI for my bipolar and my anxiety. It's really hard to get to class and I can't take that many at once. My medication slows my brain down and I just can't do what I had been able to do before. My math skills have decreased, for example, along with my ability to memorize things. (I have two tests for my class next week and I'm panicking.)

But a major thing is that I'm sort of afraid of succeeding. If I do well in this class, I have to take harder classes, and I'm already struggling in this one. If I do well in the next year and a half, I have to leave home. And if I manage somehow to get a degree, I'll be faced with getting a job. Getting a job will cut off my SSI, which feels like a security blanket.

I really don't understand what's wrong with me. I'm afraid of failing and succeeding. I'm afraid that I'll be forced to be a functioning adult, when I'm really not. But at the same time I WANT to be a functioning adult.

For Pete's sake, I'm 23! I should not be dithering like this. I feel like I'm taking too long with school. Doesn't help that my father is calling my schooling choices the "25 year plan".

Sometimes I want to just get my AA, say I did school, and hide away for the rest of my life trying to write my novel. Which I can't do because writing is another thing my meds rob me of.

So lately I've been thinking about stopping them, but damn if I do that my mother (whom I live with) will kill me. If I survive, I'll be sharp again, but at the same time I'll be, well, bipolar and still riddled with anxiety. But at least I could THINK.

And a bunch of other stuff go along with this. My fiance, getting married, maybe having kids, all hinging on what I do and when it happens. -.-

I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and stressed.

Thank you for listening.