[Q] Ganesha the Sphalerite Elephant (Crit, please!)

[Mojave Mo Problems]

Err, I guess I'll just... uhh..  

[Mojave Mo Problems]

THIS AREA IS A VERY ROUGH DRAFT WRITTEN A WHILE AGO, WILL LIKELY UNDERGO A LOT OF EDITING FROM IT'S CURRENT STATE

USER
Scholar;type|cartographer



Name:

Mary Colnil

Age:

Twenty

Magic Affinity:

Mary's magical affinity takes on a curious form; as it is not directly offensive, or even defensive, for that matter. As if conforming to her curiosity of the world, Mary's affinity lies in Psychometry - or the ability to detect residual information from inanimate objects. Using her magic requires only the will to use it, and contact with a desired belonging. Typically, she may experience a vision or a "dump" of information. Upon first learning this ability, Mary found it to be a sensory overload. It was difficult enough simply learning when to turn it on, so coming into contact with an object wouldn't leave her reeling with an overload of data. Even with the eventual training to control it's use, making sense of much of the information and visions she could gather was another story.

Even after two years of apprenticeships and continued learning, Mary has little control over just what type of information is gathered. If she is particularly lucky, and has a strong enough will, Mary may find she is capable of experiencing a vision of precisely what she wants to know - but more often than not, what comes through is irrelevant data, or things that can just be unpleasant (it is for this reason that Mary frequently avoids items belonging to people). The growth of Mary's power could really go a number of ways, depending on her determination and continued training. Gathering information from living beings, or dead ones, is definitely a future possibility. As is the ability to take more than just visions from her touch, such as talents or memories from the past of, say, an object that had once been in the possession of another.

Even at it's current state, there remain a number of hazards within her ability. For one, as it stands, Mary has little control over the information she is capable of drawing from an object. She may experience visions she has no interest in seeing, or may adopt, temporarily, less than pleasant attributes from the item's previous owner (say, for example, if they were blind, she could become visually impaired for a time). These remain as just the hazards of what she may obtain from the items herself. Use of her magic, currently, is a mental drain for Mary. She is left with headaches, temporary difficulties in the mundane such as speaking normally, and at her current skill level is only capable of "scanning" a limited number of items daily.

Appearance:

Mary is a sight to behold, not because she's physically imposing or strikingly gorgeous; in fact, she is mostly unremarkable. However, despite her age, the young woman is relatively small in every way. If one were to judge purely from height, she would be no bigger than young adults, the top of her head reaching to but 5'4". Her hair is a bit of a mess, a black mass of unkempt bangs that reach the tips of her eyelashes, and are tied off into two short black braids at the back of her skull. Her skin holds an unusual pallor, reflecting her many days of of quiet studying within dank archives and dusty libraries. Against a small nose lie a pair of almost comically large spectacles, often hiding the grayish blue eyes beneath. Her eyes themselves always seem to be half-lidded, thick lashes framing an often tired expression. Her face is rounded, ending in a small, pointed chin and a thin pair of lips.

Mary's wardrobe rarely changes, though she switches primarily between two similar outfits. Her most common set of clothing is a long, pale-gray dress, ending mid-way down her shin. The sleeves end near her elbow, and the collar extends upwards, a much darker gray in color. Her legs are sheathed in gray leggings, with shoes very similar in color to the collar of her dress adorning her feet. This is the clothing she wore mostly in school, though as a woman more attuned to exploring the wilderness, her attire has changed ever slightly to accommodate her now more active lifestyle.

Still wearing the same styled leggings, Mary instead switches out her dress for one much shorter - ending just above the knee - the material just a bit lighter for ease of movement. Her dress-styled shoes have been replaced almost clumsily with light-brown boots; clashing horribly with everything else she wears, and showing how truly "out of touch" with any dress code she truly is when left to her own devices. While aside from it's length, the dress is similar to her previous one in many ways, save for the cream colored hood she wears over it. This hood is only a partial cover - ending near her chest, with the sleeves only partially down her arms, though much looser than her dress' own much longer ones. Finally, around her waist she wears a tightly knotted sash, keeping the light material of her clothing close to her body when in a hurry.

This is not to imply that her wardrobe is limited, however. Rather, it consists of many of the same bland, washed-out shades. She is frequently behind the current fashion trends, choosing comfort and maneuverability over style most of the time.

Personality:

Mary's personality is.. well, it is a bit difficult to put into words all at once. She is the kind of girl, in appearance and behavior, who you would expect to be an outcast in school; and for much of her life, she was. Mary always preferred books and exploration to human contact. She spent many a day climbing trees, sitting beneath the shades and vehemently reading about the many curiosities said to have once inhabited the rest of the world. As such, even when she began to blossom and grow curious about others, she was left stunted by her lack of social knowledge. Mary often finds just picking up on social cues and expectations difficult, often bringing up awkward topics and questions, when most would know it was something to be left untouched.

However, this is not to say Mary is a demure or shy woman. While awkward in all the wrong ways, she is a very strong personality; a stubborn individual with a burning will to thrive. She wants to better herself, but lacks the confidence needed - often coming off as loud or pushy. At times, the dark-haired user's reactions can seem almost childish, as she reacts quite defensively to criticism. Mary in general has a bit of a complex due to being a "late bloomer", both physically and in regards to her magic.

She is, however, an intelligent young woman, and despite her rather unimpressive appearance, Mary is often very inquisitive about people and the world, enjoying the thrill in danger and exploration. All Mary really needs is the confidence in her magic to truly blossom. That, and to learn how to express herself appropriately.

History:

Mary's mother was a cold, detached woman hailing from the faction of engineers and machines. Her father was a flippant explorer born from the seeds of the florally inclined faction. How they came to love one another, Mary was never sure, or rather, never cared to ask. All she really knew was that her father always had a way of drawing a smile and a giggle from her tightly wound mother. Of course, the differing factions did present a bit of an issue for Mary. She never truly knew where she belonged, and never felt wholly accepted by her peers. Growing up, she idolized her father, following in his path in exploration of the world. She would climb trees, tend flowers and hide in the wilderness until her mother was practically screaming at her to come in for the night. Her mother attempted to impose a more logical approach to life, offering her child books illustrated with images of complex machinations made from colorful ore and metals. It fascinated Mary how men could create such wonders, rivaling the natural beauty offered by their home. Trapped in two worlds, Mary's childhood was sprinkled with days of hiding under the dim-lighting of trees or within natural caves, using small light sources her mother had helped her to create in order to read her books. She could have stayed in that kind of blissful world forever.

However, things changed. She was enrolled in school, where her feelings of alienation surfaced. As she grew, Mary never awakened to her magic. As peers "awoke" and were whisked off to academy, Mary was coming to an age where she would need to fit in to the world. The natural world seemed less fitting for such responsibilities, and so less and less Mary found herself sitting beneath the natural canopy of trees, and more within dusty old archives, looking in to what she could apprentice. She had to be of value, so that even if she did not fit in conventionally, she could be worthwhile enough to not be looked down upon. As for how this conglomerate of seemingly negative expectations of her peers came about, it is not as though Mary was bullied harshly or mistreated by her parents. While far from mistreated, Mary was saddled with expectations from both sides. Her mother was never the overattentive, openly loving sort; she was a brisk woman who had too much on her plate for caring for a child. The older she became, the more Mary wondered why this was so. Was she not brilliant enough for her calculating mother? The more she attempted to impress her, the less time Mary had for the rest of the world, including her father. The more focused she became on the reactions of her mother, and the less her mother seemed to be impressed by her actions, the more out of touch and disjointed Mary herself became with the rest of the world.

It wasn't that Mary was unloved by her mother, the woman lacked much of what it takes to understand a child, much less raise one. The girl saw this as indifference, being unimpressed with the facts she had mulled over and recited excitedly. The harder she tried, and the less she saw of what Mary expected; things like gratitude and pride, the more her complex grew. If even her intelligence could not impress mother, then what hope did she have of being of worth to other children?

The more Mary desired to blend in to the world of Machine and Alchemy, the more her magic began to surface. Finally, at the rather late age of sixteen, it did. Though, a strange magic it was, in a way that made Mary even more cautious of interacting with the world around her. Feeling far less special than she should have, despite the praise of her parents, Mary was enrolled in the academy, though with a new choice. With a parent from each of the original factions, she was not tied into an obligation, at least outwardly. Mary, like all others, graduated the academy at the age of eighteen, despite only two years of being trained with her magic. By that time, she already felt an inclination of which faction she wished to join, though more out of a sense of responsibility and the expectations of her mother than anything. Mary's alliance was to the machine faction, despite her childhood idolization of her alchemist father.

Still lacking confidence in her ability to interact with a Guardian, as well as her magic, Mary spent two years apprenticing. Apprenticeship has seemingly made but a dent in her list of etiquette mishandlings, yet the Seers seemed willing to partner her with a Guardian. Even if Mary's social graces were lacking, her magic had developed exceptionally, far from it's once meager starting point.

Knowing well that she had in the past lacked the type of knowledge or power to create and maintain a powerful Guardian, she found the decision quite difficult once it had been offered to her. Even if she had pledged her allegiance with the Machine faction, there was only so much Mary knew of the types of metals and ores that would be required in crafting a Guardian. Doing what she could to remember the many tomes she had gone through as a girl in an effort to impress her mother, Mary was astonished to find it was not from the knowledge she struggled to maintain that she would find her answer; but from the playful memories of the less scholarly time spent alongside her father. Mary's father had implanted her with an appreciation and curiosity of the world around them, and she could recall fondly the types of caverns around their home in which she had hidden, reading those very books. However, it was not from musty pages that Mary found her answer.

Recalling that the walls occasionally gleamed back at her when she would shine her light upon it, Mary made the decision to travel back to her place of birth. With apprenticeships and the academy, it had actually been years since she had been in contact with her mother and father. It was quite a surprise to find many of the small rockside caves still standing undisturbed, though they felt a good deal smaller than Mary could remember them being. Crawling inside, Mary found that the rock, as shiny and dark as ever, remained intact.

Mary managed to chip a small fragment free from the rockwall, before returning to the very same types of books she had perused as a girl. In it, she found the name of the strangely familiar, comforting material; Sphalerite.

 

[Mojave Mo Problems]

GUARDIAN

Name:

Ganesha
(A Hindu deity who is known as the Lord of Obstacles and Beginnings, the patron of arts and sciences, as well as the deva of intellect and wisdom.)

Magic Affinity:

Ganesha's powers seem to, in some small way, derive from his original namesake. He is capable of constructing obstacles, as well as breaking them down. In simplest terms, this might be seen as Force-Field Manipulation, summoning and then tearing down near impervious barriers at will. Though, at it's starting point, Ganesha's barriers would be as limited as a small sheet projected before him, requiring his attention in order to maintain - limiting any offensive or defensive actions that could be taken.

While such magic would be used likely in the case of preventing harm, with each impact against a barrier, be it physical or magical, Ganesha is hit with a reaction. While not exactly pain, the sensation can be likened to a hit to the gut, capable of knocking the wind right out of him if it especially powerful. As such, Ganesha's magic requires considerable tolerance on his part.

This power could develop a number of ways, either as Ganesha being able to maintain a barrier for longer periods of time, or even generate multiple or larger ones, or even ones that are shaped different (a half-orb, full orb, etc).

Essence/Animal:

Sphalerite and Cinnabar/African Elephant

Appearance:

I hate to follow the trail of others, but I think a large part of this can be left to the artist. Sphalerite would likely be the primary color scheme, though? With the Sphalerite being of the dark-gray to even black variety. Hints of Cinnabar could be found here and there, likely in the tusks and accents around the body (perhaps something along the head similar to the pieces circus elephants wear, or with actual pieces there, but more akin to armor?). His later stages would probably carry a tan to dark skin-tone, indicative of the fact that he is an African elephant. Along with this, even as he grew more human in appearance, his large size as an animal would transfer, making him continuously loom over his user and most people in general. I think it would be interesting if his tusks were somewhat ornate, or were just at least not all one color - perhaps something reminiscent of the artwork that is actually done on ivory tusks; carvings, lines, the like.

I think it is also important to point out that he is an African elephant. The differences between Asian and African are subtle, but they do make a difference (even in personality, the two differ). African elephants tend to have large ears, and the shapes of their back are more even with their heads, while in Asian elephants you will see that from the shoulders, there is more of a slope than a curve as in African elephants. One of the most obvious differences is in the shape of the skullcap, with Asian elephants tending to have a slight "cleft" in their foreheads, while the African elephants is more flat.

Personality:

While words such as "clumsy," "inattentive," and "noisy," might be fitting of his user, Ganesha is a great distance from these terms. A good deal larger than most living creatures, natural or forged, Ganesha has learned to have a gentle touch in his physical maneuvers and personality; as, taking from his source animal, he can be quite easily startled by something unknown to him, and given his large size, can just as well cause havoc. So, in a way, Ganesha is much like an observant monk, practicing calm and reason as a necessity in his every day interactions. Taking from his user, as well as his origin animal, Ganesha is intelligent - no, not simply intelligent, he is clever. Despite his massive body, the elephant somehow manages to fit in to the scheme of a cartographer's lifestyle and work, and is often the one to work himself and Mary out of a dangerous situation whilst they work (typically brought about by Mary's poor personality). He seems to trope every downfall of his user; where her own physical stamina is low, his is quite large; able to keep up a steady pace of move for the long haul while Mary is left out of breath. Where Mary is quick to conclusions and nothing short of taxing in social settings, Ganesha stops to ponder and defuse the problems he is inevitably faced with.

While Mary is eager to express herself, Ganesha is less so. Not because he disdains people - in fact, he is quite inquisitive about the world - but because his actions require a certain level of restraint and preparation. Even as much as he values his user, the elephant must practice some level of control over his emotions and desires. The added strain of using his magic can be quite taxing, as strong as he is, however.

Ganesha, as a bull elephant, finds it difficult not to wander, or to be tied down for too long a time. Even if the pair are technically scholars, the freedom and space afforded by their work as cartographer's fits him just fine. He sees Mary more as a travelling companion than as one who is meant to watch over him, or vice versa. They are equals, despite their great differences, out to find what is theirs in the world.

Despite his craving to keep on the move, to explore and not be tied down, Ganesha does find difficulty in being restricted from many places. For a creature as intelligent and curious as an elephant, even the wilderness holds it's limits; and while the wilds offer him all the room and freedom he desires, the fact that he is frequently incapable from entering cities leaves him straining to keep his typically mild attitude. Ganesha, after all, has desires of his own, one of which is to meet people outside of the rather limited range of what can be offered by what lay outside most cities. Even as well-disciplined as Ganesha keeps himself, it seems but a matter of time until he is at his breaking point. Given his tremendous size, this could make for a disaster that Mary would be poorly prepared for.

 

[Mojave Mo Problems]

some kind of reserve IM JUST DOING WHAT EVERYONE ELSE DOES : (((

NOTES:
+Made a minor edit to personality, on top of the changes that I've done in accordance with the suggestions and guidance of the mule. Let's hope I continue to change it for the better!
+Changed Ganesha's magic once again, this time something a little easier to apply. Old power will be pasted here in white, should anyone wish to judge which may be more appropriate.

Ganesha, taking from his user, takes on a form of magic that can hardly be considered offense-worthy, at least in the most traditional sense. Working more as an illusionary, however, Ganesha's affinity lies in selectively altering the available senses of others. In it's simplest and most easily available form, this can be presented as "tuning," things like what a person may smell or even see, at some point as his affinity grows, even being able to completely block a sense out for a limited period. While in it's initial state, before use and training are taken into account, this would be pretty much the limit of Ganesha's magic. However, just as with Mary, as he grows, so too will his magic.

At a later stage, Ganesha would likely advance to the point of being able to do more than slightly tune or block out a scent or someone's vision. Rather, he would be able to project an actual independent illusion, likely against a person themselves, to make themselves and others believe that they are as the illusion appears. This illusion would typically appear as some physical anomaly - a different face or voice, or an extra limb. However, at it's pique, should Ganesha ever reach it, he would be capable of more drastically altering such illusions.

Though Ganesha's magic does not come without cautions of it's own. For one, he is not capable of producing stand-alone illusions - but rather, can manipulate things that are readily available; a person, a smell, the feel of grass against one's fingertips. The illusion may last only so long as Ganesha's mental constitution allows it; and while he has a higher tolerance than most, there is only so long that Ganesha may maintain an illusion. Though, just as the magic itself would expand over time, so would the amount of time and people he is able to deceive with it.

Projecting an illusion may cause mild distortions within Ganesha himself, however; confusing him and every so often tricking him into believing them himself. Caution must be taken, as falling for his own illusion can lock Ganesha into a rather dangerous spiral. Accompanying this is that overextending himself can result in, at it's best exhaustion and at it's worst collapse, which means that given his large size this can be quite dangerous to others in his presence.  

[Signo Amisso]

STAFF CRITIQUE
READY OR NOT, HERE IT IS!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX❧ NAME
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXGanesha is technically the name you would use, as that’s the “main” name of the deity as far the staff can tell.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXUnless they appear in other mythos/cultures as a different being the main or true name is the one to take as to
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXcheck it off the “available” names.


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX❧ MAGIC
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX “Social Assimilation” isn’t a viable affinity, I literally cannot place it anywhere. Personal cloaking would perhaps
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXbe what you’re going for. You’ve already described her as unremarkable in her appearance section, so it would
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXbe a moot point to have her powers do the same. But personal cloaking would allow her to make herself and
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXherself alone invisible. The headaches and the short time-frame of the cloak would be viable drawbacks, perhaps
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXincreasing the time as she and her guardian grow.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXYour Guardian’s magic MUST change. It is far far too overpowered and we are not allowing it. Perhaps change it
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXto the illusion magic you seem to want your User to have? Remember that illusions wouldn’t be chameleon-like
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXpowers, they’re like mirages, perhaps becoming grander and more clear as your Guardian grows. Or you could go
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXa completely different route, regardless, this still needs to be changed.


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX❧ APPEARANCE
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX While it’s nice for a character to have a certain “outfit” you would prefer them be drawn in, people do own more than
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXtwo sets of clothing. Saying she only has two similar outfits leads one to believe she either only owns two pairs of
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXclothes, or that her closet is literally the same exact dress over and over and over. That as well isn’t something that
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXhappens, since even store-bought clothing is made by tailors, not every piece is identical. Perhaps just say she has
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXa certain “type” of dress (short, long sleeves, preferably a hood) and steers towards more neutral colors? I may suggest
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXas she continues to work out in the field as a scout she elect for more functional clothes, but that’s not really a problem,
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXwe allow a bit of whimsy within reason. It’s not really anything you need to change.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXI would also like to know just HOW tall she is, since at a certain height at an adult age a person is considered not petite,
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXbut a dwarf. This would make her stand out of course, especially in her peer group “Why is there a kid here?” Which
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXprobably isn’t what you wanted with the character.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXGuardian’s appearance requests are fine, nothing need changing.


XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX❧ PERSONALITY
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX“reading about long-dead lifeforms and mechanizations that were to have once existed on their continent.”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXShe actually lives on an island, not a mainland contenent. Nothing was destroyed there in the storm, it’s why it’s a
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXsafe haven and a sanctuary for refugees. Just putting that out there since it should be reworded. She could easily
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXread books about the mainland though. I’d like to know why she was such a socially stunted child. You haven’t
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXwritten her as a forgotten about or emotionally abused child, perhaps a little odd yes but otherwise normal, so how
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXdid she lose touch with people so early in her life? Why didn’t she make any friends with children her age to take to
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXher hiding places or share her interests with? Being stubborn, a little childish, and awkward are all ok things, Those
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXflaws balance well with her strive to be better and her intelligence. I would just like to know what brought on that
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXawkwardness.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX“Musk” isn’t the word you’re looking for when speaking about your Guardian. “Musk” is a strong smell. It’s also a small
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXanimal. But you’re probably looking for “funk” or just one hell of a mood. You also probably mean “practicing CALM and
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXreason.” Calamity is a disaster or disorder. Guardians are also meant to be equals, partners, so it’s a bit redundant to
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXinclude it as part of his personality unless he did view her as someone to watch over. Overall I like his flaws and his
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXbalancing of his User.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXI would be interested to know how he deals with not often getting into the city proper given his size. Except for the main
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXwalkway and the courtyard of the citadel, there isn’t much in the way of space for an elephant, so seeing how they deal
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXwith probably being separated for great spans of time, depending on how long she may need to be in the city, on their
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXown. Do they try and limit their time in the city due to this? Or have they simply moved their life to Tree Home (generally
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXmore open space) or to a smaller settlement on the island for ease?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXIt’s unnecessary and redundant to list your plans for these two to grow as time goes on, both personality and appearance
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXwise and their eventual balancing of each other. It’s a natural thing that occurs over the course of the RP and is expected.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXMary being knowledgeable of her terrain and surroundings doesn’t make sense though. As a scout she’s going out into
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXuncharted land with only a vague notion of what USED to be there. The world has been mostly ruined in the Sundering,
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXthere isn’t anything aside from Mistwick and the rest of the island chain that she would naturally know.



XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX❧ HISTORY
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXMary would have graduated at 18, regardless of starting year, she would have just been given extra training courses after
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXclass for her first year, had she joined in the middle of a term. Mary also could not have “sought out” a Guardian. The Seers
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXchoose when they believe a User is ready, she’d have no control over it, just having to work until they deemed her as such.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXWhat I really want to know is why, if she no longer idolizes her father, does she want to be a scout? You don’t technically
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXchoose your class officially until your first mission (your growth mission) so you may want to try developing her more as a
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXcartographer. It’s a Scholar job, but it’s technically more field-work oriented, better accommodating her large Guardian. I
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXalso want to know why she eventually picked a metal essence. It’s a very personal choice, it’s not a choice of “which faction
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXam I part of” considering they’ve been at peace and joined for half a century.  

[Mojave Mo Problems]

Haha, wow, a lot to change. I am definitely far from ready. And yeah, I realize that the Guardian's magic is pretty damn broad. I'll change some things around with her appearance, as you requested, I'll also elaborate.

As for the idea of personal cloaking, I thought there was already a Guardian, or maybe just a quest, that actually had the magical ability to cloak? Although I think it was... cloaking objects, rather than the person. Wouldn't that be too similar? Should I just scrap the cloaking concept and go with something that isn't so close to the magic of another?

Oh, I know what musk is - however, it is also a way to describe what happens to bull elephants. In normal elephant, musk is when the male elephant secrets a liquid from a gland by their eye. They become very pretty aggressive during this time because it typically correlates with them looking for a female. Since he isn't an actual elephant, I wouldn't imagine he would, err.. require such a biological need - but he'd still be subject to those kind of effects?

Also, Vinayaka is the name for Ganesha commonly used in Buddhist texts, I believe. Though I can change it for Ganesha if you still deem that it needs to be altered, haha.

Sorry for the pretty short response, but I've got quite a bit to work on and I'll let you know when I've fixed the problems you listed. Thanks for the crit.  

[Signo Amisso]

He would not no. Guardians are completely genderless. For all intents and purposes he may look, act, sound, and identify as a male, but biologically he doesn't have a gender. He's a created being.

Guardians don't function on the same biological levels as the animals they take after, they don't even require food or water as long as their User remains healthy. So this "musk" is not something that he'd do. Especially as a Machine pet, most of whom lack tear-ducts entirely in their first stage.

But we would like the name change please.

 

[Mojave Mo Problems]

Well, I thought it was an, er, interesting touch. Even if it's biological, it is common of male elephants. But I'll change it around. I think I have an idea for their powers, and hopefully they'll both be a bit better suited. I'll have to rewrite his personality a tad, first, though I've already implemented some of the changes you mentioned (a bit poorly, but once I've roughly plugged in all the alterations I need, then I'll worry about making it more presentable).

And yes, I'll change the name now, too.  

[Mojave Mo Problems]

Changes made!

Following my crit, I have made several alterations to both user and guardian. Hopefully they are more inline with your standards, and hopefully I can receive additional critique as to whether my alterations are all in-line with shop rules and expectations. While I have no doubt it's rough, once I'm certain that it's at least an acceptable concept, I'll go ahead and tune everything. Thank you!