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 Posted: Sun Sep 16, 2012 1:58 pm
Only Human Every day there are people who set aside their sorrow or pain just to get through another day. They go through to motions of everyday life afraid to be hurt emotionally. Some say this is only depression, but it is also the product of the selfishness, the apathy, the cold-heartedness, and the judgments of others. These things produce a sense of wrong-doing in the people who are subjected to them. This false sense causes those people to act in ways that they normally would not. They may retreat inside of themselves, become apathetic to the hurting of others, and stop being on the outside who they are on the inside. These are the loneliest people in the world. Metaphorically, they are encased in an ice from which they can only escape once the warmth of kind-heartedness, friendship, or love comes close enough to their hearts. ------------------------- This is the first paragraph of an essay I'm writing. Is it good? ------------------------- EDIT: I made this for anyone to share something they've written. I changed the name, too.
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Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2012 6:24 am
V6a6m6pyro Only Human Every day there are people who set aside their sorrow or pain just to get through another day. They go through to motions of everyday life afraid to be hurt emotionally. Some say this is only depression, but it is also the product of the selfishness, the apathy, the cold-heartedness , and the judgments of others. These things produce a sense of wrong-doing in the people who are subjected to them. This false sense causes those people to act in ways that they normally would not. They may retreat inside of themselves, become apathetic to the hurting of others , and stop being on the outside who they are on the inside. These are the loneliest people in the world. Metaphorically, they are encased in an ice from which they can only escape once the warmth of kind-heartedness, friendship, or love comes close enough to their hearts. ------------------------- This is the first paragraph of an essay I'm writing. Is it good?
Other than that, grammar seems pretty correct. The way you write it sounds like it's something that actually happened to you. I hope this isn't the case though.
I don't like it personally as this discourse sounds pretty victimist and I'm quite annoyed by its attitude. I strongly disagree with three sentences in particular:
-Some say this is only depression,
-These are the loneliest people in the world.
- they can only escape once the warmth of kind-heartedness, friendship, or love comes close enough to their hearts.
However, other than my personal tastes in the matter, it's good in terms of writing and I'm sure the essay will have more to it other than the introduction.
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another_average_asian Crew
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Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2012 10:33 am
It's deep, but I'm afraid you may have to brace yourself for my criticism.
"Some say this is only depression..." rubs me off the wrong way for an odd reason. I believe it's a claim that needs to be supported before going on any further. It can be Some say this is only depression because blah blah blah, but this is where I counter that argument.
"These things produce a sense of wrong-doing in the people who are subjected to them." Is a slightly confusing. Perhaps wrong-doing is a strange choice of words. If you really need it, then it might be the part about "people who are subjected to them." since it's referring to things that are not included in the sentence. I suggest replacing "things" with feelings, emotions or factors as it might make the sentence a lot clearer.
You may have to reconsider using the sentence "These are the loneliest people in the world" because it makes my thoughts unintentionally stray to "One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do", "He is the most interesting man in the world," and weeping angels are the loneliest creatures in the universe.
There's a lot of bold claims being made, but I'm going to assume
that you have a lot of support to back your claims and assumptions.
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Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2012 2:55 pm
Thanks for the criticism. I literally asked for it, too. I guess you're right, too. Definitely some bold claims. I always write from my point of view before looking at others'.
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Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2012 3:22 pm
V6a6m6pyro Thanks for the criticism. I literally asked for it, too. I guess you're right, too. Definitely some bold claims. I always write from my point of view before looking at others'.
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Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2012 5:09 pm
I personally wouldn't call it that. But when it's treated as an insignifcant thing, the point does need to be made.
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Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 3:17 am
V6a6m6pyro I personally wouldn't call it that. But when it's treated as an insignifcant thing, the point does need to be made.
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Posted: Mon Oct 15, 2012 5:31 pm
A yawning chasm
Far and deep
Holds everyone's hopes
And the tears they weep
It consumes the cheer
And devours the fear
Emotionless and cold
The world is greyed
The life dies out
The ends are frayed
A hollow shell
But none can tell
The spirits are gone
Memory is lost
Joy washed away
It was a great cost
He surrendered his heart
So he may play his part
The destruction he wrought
Was the compensation
The hurting he gave
Was of his own creation
He was handed power
So that he needn't cower
When the end came
It was he who brought
The fire and flames
To reach the reign he sought
He took it all
So he would not fall
Now he's there
In the world of Dirge
The one he created
By forcing worlds to converge
The lives that were whole
And a heart black as coal
In the castle he forged
He lies in wait
For the one
Who will take his bait
The one who holds the light
Hoping with the old world's might
The light will rise
Blade on fire
Darkness stands ready
Situation dire
The powers will clash
The castle will crash
The dark stands tall
For it shall never fall
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Posted: Mon Oct 15, 2012 5:33 pm
I still need a title for this one, any ideas?
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Posted: Wed Nov 07, 2012 4:01 am
V6a6m6pyro I still need a title for this one, any ideas?
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Posted: Wed Nov 07, 2012 4:11 pm
Lady_Naia V6a6m6pyro I still need a title for this one, any ideas? Now that I think about it, I've never actually titled these... "Consumed"... It does describe a lot of it. It could actually work. Thanks for your feedback.
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Posted: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:46 am
V6a6m6pyro Lady_Naia V6a6m6pyro I still need a title for this one, any ideas? Now that I think about it, I've never actually titled these... "Consumed"... It does describe a lot of it. It could actually work. Thanks for your feedback.
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Posted: Sun Sep 15, 2013 8:02 pm
I recently looked at the Art Arena and thought about it...
I decided to submit "Consumed" to the Art Arena.
Credit was given for the title.
I think I'll start writing more things...
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Posted: Mon Oct 07, 2013 12:22 pm
Wrote something else...
Just sort of... Happened...
You don't need to read it or provide feedback unless you really want to...
Here:
http://www.gaiaonline.com/arena/writing/poetry-and-lyrics/vote/?entry_id=102782537#title
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