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 Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 11:37 am
Kyndall was beside herself and so was her knightly counterpart. With everything she'd done, witnessed, it was hard for her to feel the same way. She needed a purpose to keep her going. She knew her husband strove for peace but did it ever work? Was there anyone who ever converted? It seemed like such a waste and the one time proud squire was becoming disillusioned.
It was easy for anyone to tell, especially her best friend and the man that knew her better than anyone else. She picked at her dinner and stared into space, not even noticing when Harmony called out a goodbye and headed to a friend's house giving them space and time alone. She didn't notice either that she'd had more wine to drink than dinner eaten.
She felt listless, tired, despondent. A newlywed was not supposed to feel these things but here she was. And while she was still gloriously happy with her husband and her personal life Kyndall would always be Shalott and the other way around so what troubled one was bound to affect the other.
She excused herself from the table, leaving her plate mostly full and where it was for Dogby if she decided to get brave and try to get the leftovers.
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Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2012 1:10 pm
Tony looked up when Kyndall moved away from the table, frowning. She seemed very distant, and he wondered what he had done to upset her. He felt guilty for no reason, and got up to follow. He took his plate to the sink, though he saw Dogby trying to climb up on Kyndall's chair to get to the plate she'd left behind and decided he might as well leave it there to see if she could get it.
It would be good exercise for her, the effort, as he imagined she would not be able to get up to the table no matter how she exerted herself. He patted Dogby on the head, then went to follow Kyndall into the living room.
"Darling?" he asked. The place was empty, the kids gone off to do whatever it was they did, and that opened up some room to discuss things they might not be able to talk about with Harmony or Nathan around.
Like their lives a knights.
"Are you alright? You seem a little... sad... tonight." He watched her at a short distance,not wanting to crowd her if she was, in fact, upset with him. He had his hands in his pockets, watching her with a quiet, concerned expression.
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Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 2:16 pm
For a moment it seemed like his query would be lost or ignored as Kyndall crossed the room. She kept her back to him, facing a bookcase, and selected a book from the shelf. She toyed with the cover, even opening to read a line or two where she stood. The she slammed it shut and hurtled the volume across the room. It crashed harmlessly to the floor with a sound that echoed and slid to a stop by the couch.
"I hate this!" Voice anguished she finally turned and set her watery violet eyes on him. Weeks of crippling uncertainly after months of slow change were finally boiling over and she could no longer hide it. Tears slid down her cheeks as she looked at him, the one person in her life that might understand.
"I can't do this anymore, Tony. I've tried to keep going and I just can't. It's too hard. These...these Negaverse agents. They're people. They're friends, lovers, daughters, sons, mothers, fathers. How close were you and I before I ever knew who you were? I might know some of these people. I might even love them. Our children could be part of this war. We don't tell them why should they tell us? It's too close to home to handle anymore. I...I can't."
It was more than she meant to say and proved his fears about himself unfounded. She loved him, this was true, but she could not deny that this other side of herself was hurting. It was almost killing her.
"I fought Benitoite again. He's gone. Everything about him that ever was good is gone.I've fought senshi, senshi, on the side of chaos. I met one senshi that looked and acted like he didn't have a mean bone in his body. He was agreeable, kind. I fought another and burst into tears, Tony, when I hurt him. I drew blood. I enjoyed it." That was spoken with no small amount of horror. "I would have tried to kill him if I kept going."
She leaned against the book case and closed her eyes, her body trembling to hold back the sobs. With the school term starting and her stress level through the roof she hadn't much time to process. So much of her energy was spent pretending to be fine that she went to bed exhausted each night only to dream of everything unsaid. She didn't know how many dreams she'd had where she killed or lay dying herself.
"I'm not cut out for this. All my training has ever been to defend and not to attack. Is energy stealing provocation enough? Is aggression, petty insults? We're adults and we're not guiding anyone as we were meant to."
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Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 11:06 am
Even Dogby looked over from her efforts at the chair as the book went flying across the room. She immediately hopped after it, waddling to collect it for Kyndall, not realizing it had been discarded on purpose and wasn't supposed to be come back.
Tony looked at the book, then at his wife.
"Kyndall..." he listened to her speak and felt some familiarity in her words. He felt these things before, and he understood her anger, her worry. He didn't know how right she was, that his own son was a senshi and he had no idea. Nathan gave him no reason to suspect it, of course: the boy was barely ever around and said nothing to his father on a good day.
"There was never anything good about him, Kyndall. Not since Chaos worked its way into him. Whatever you thought you knew of him, Chaos is the reason it has wilted away. If it was ever true to begin with. It's not their fault, the way they act, but it makes them no less dangerous, and it makes their convictions no less real. I know fighting against them is hard. It is for me, as well. I go out there and every night I see a kid fighting for their lives. Lives they deserve to live like any normal teenager, and not as brain washed soldiers. And that's not just Chaos, that's Order as well. We're fighting an ancient war and most of the soldiers that are putting their lives on the line don't even fully understand why."
He sighed, shaking his head as he moved to her.
"It's easy to get caught up in the battles. In hurting our enemies, because they hurt us. I know, I felt it as well. I love you, I trust you, but I don't want to see you hurt. Not in this war, and not emotionally." He put his arms around her carefully, moving her from the bookcase so she could lean against him. "I know. We should be trying to stop this war, find a path without having to hurt them... anyone. My duty is to defend, Kyndall, and I will do that however I need to. This is our planet, too, and if we don't fight for it... it might turn out a lot worse for everyone."
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Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2012 9:23 am
"Didn't you hear what I said, Tony? I very nearly tried to kill someone. Kill them. I wanted to."
He was such a good guy, loving husband, but something inside of her felt sick and wrong to confess anything like that out loud. She was all roar and defense when she had to be but Kyndall felt she'd crossed a line when she fought Remarque. Something inside of her died a little and now she had to deal with that...and not very well apparently.
She let her husband pull her into his arms and soothe her. He was the only one that could all things considered and yet his words did little to ease her pain or convince her otherwise to how she believed. Everything inside of her told her she needed to find a new way to fight or she would end up doing exactly as he said chaos did - killing all of the good inside of her. She had believed Benitoite was good once. She'd seen how sweet he was and Chaos leeched it from him like some medieval torture. And Virtus, who she didn't think could ever harm anyone was busy robbing people of energy. Would his decline be like Benis? Would even he become hard and cruel in time?
"We'll all fall eventually. You broke Benitoite's ribs. I nearly broke his foot. I even may have, I don't know. I wasn't going to ask. We're becoming something we should not be and I don't know what to do. I won't ask you to stop because I know this means something to you but I have to change. I need to find a new direction. I'm a mother...I need to nurture and teach and guide and not destroy but I don't know how. Not everyone wants a teacher."
But some people had. Caelian had prospered under her care and became her pupil of sorts. Tsui, too, recently had the benefit of her experience though that was more scolding than guiding. She was a teacher...why couldn't she be a teacher in this war? Tony said himself that he'd been lost for a while trying to figure things out on his own. Why couldn't she help guide the new warriors and bring the old together? Why not her? But that is where she and her husband's philosophies seemed to differ. He wanted to keep defending despite the cost. She wanted to try something else.
"I didn't know what I was asking for when I wanted to help. You were right to warn me. It's too late now, I guess, but I wish I'd listened. I feel more helpless now than I did then if it's possible."
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Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 12:57 pm
"I know it's difficult, my love," he said softly, wincing. He had tried to kill before, or felt like he could have. It was not an easy impulse to live with or understand, and he could see why she was so rattled by it. It rattled him as well, as he did not want her to hurt anyone else, or cause herself such distress.
He didn't let her get away from him, holding her in his arms and keeping her against his chest. He was tall and his arms made their own little shield of safety around her. Even without his armor, he was her knight. He wanted only to protect her, from every evil in the world.
It was an impossible task, but those were just the kind that knights often undertook in the service of that which they loved most of all. But it their King or Queen, their Kingdom, their people. Or, in this case, their wife.
"Teach them, then, my dearest," he said softly, kissing her cheek as he spoke. He moved them just so he could take her face in his hands, resting his forehead to hers. "There are those that need teachers, guidance. If that is what you want to do, then do it, and I will fight all your battles. I will defend you from everything Chaos has to throw at us, and we will help everyone we can."
He pulled back, caressing her cheek gently with his rough fingers. His hands had aided him through many battles, and were not as soft as they once were, when all they had to deal with was the wear of picking up and putting down books.
"You don't have to fight, if it makes you so miserable. it's not right for you, it's not right for anyone. That doesn't make you helpless. Finding your path isn't the easiest thing to do, and it doesn't happen right away. But whatever you choose you know I am here for you."
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Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 2:27 pm
She desperately needed to hear those things. She needed to know that if everything went to hell he would still be there for her and that there would still be a relative normal to be had. She still wanted to help and she still believed that what they stood for was good and pure and she wanted to protect her planet more than anything. People like her daughter, his son, deserved help when they were helpless and every time she needed to she'd step up and fill that role.
When she realized she could not get away from him she sank against his body more easily and fully rested against him. He was her strength and her balance and though she knew that at times she forgot how much she could rely on him. He was her knight and spent many hours, days, nights showing her how much he loved her. Her husband...her partner.
"Are you disappointed in me?"
She feared his disapproval. She'd been so excited to start out and be able to fight alongside him. She'd met some good people, too, but the deeper she sank into the war the less she felt like herself. The more she fought the Negaverse the less she felt like she was a good person. The lower she sank to win battles, free energy or stop it from being collected. He'd always had a certain amount of reservation by her transformation. She hadn't until now. Did he think less of her for wanting to change?
"I'm being silly, I know it." He could never hate her and she knew it. "Tony, what are we going to do? How do I even begin?"
It seemed like such a monumental task - finding and taking under her wing the new senshi and knights. It boggled the mind to consider it. Surely she couldn't find them all but that wouldn't stop her from trying, would it? She'd never given up on any other challenge of her life so why should this hiccup stop her? She was afraid of being powered up now, of course, because that could attract Negaverse attention but she'd have to take her chances with that.
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Posted: Sun Sep 16, 2012 1:52 am
"Why would I ever be disappointed in you? You are meant to do as you feel is right, and never anything less. You hardly ever listen to anything I tell you to do, anyway, so it's not like I would just tell you to keep fighting and pout when you didn't."
He smiled at he held her, his voice catching a playful enough tone to indicate that he was just teasing her, and not belittling what she was deciding to do. He knew she would choose what was right for her, and for those that she cared about, and that was the most important thing to him.
Well, she was. On the whole. Her happiness, her peace of mind, her being able to get through her day to day. Everything she needed, he wanted to help her to find. This was just a part of that, because they shared two lives together.
"It will be easier than you think. There are more and more soldiers in this war every day, and even those that have been fighting for ages still need help. I know I do, and I can't remember a time when I wasn't involved." That was a bit of an overstatement, but not by much. Even before he had any power of his own, he had been involved in the war.
"And you always have my help, in whatever you need me to do."
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Posted: Sun Sep 16, 2012 11:43 am
"God, Tony, I don't deserve you."
Kyndall was grateful every minute of every day that he loved her and that they had been able to find eachother and form a family out of two broken pieces. Harmony seemed taken with the idea of trying to have a father where one never existed before and though she was skittish she had a healthy respect for Tony before they even got married.
Nathan did not seem to inclined to embrace this concept.
"I'm just overwhelmed. I'm trying, I swear, but it's hard for me."
There had to be a practical plan of attack for this. There had to be some line she could trace to know where to begin. What he said was true enough - senshi and knights were awakened all the time and most didn't know what they were in for. She could find them, weaker signatures, and offer her help. It was about fighting the youma and teaching those that didn't know. Like Caelian. Like Camelot had done for her.
For the first time that evening she smiled.
"I really don't deserve you. I didn't do anything to earn it but thank you for loving me, temperament and all."
Being in his arms seemed to solve everything no matter the crisis was. She tilted her chin up to kiss him. Though she was still shaken and still certain she could not fight the Negaverse anymore but for the first time she didn't feel crazy laying aside her sword for a shield. Trying to teach instead of fighting outright.
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