Denise,

I have loved you with all my heart for some time now. I see you when I close my eyes, hear you laugh when I smile; hear you call my name in everyday sounds. In the pitter pat of raindrops on the window, in the hiss of the shower, even the rumble and peal of thunder. I hear you, and I see you, but I can't hold you. Not anymore. Can't hold, can't touch. All I have are fragments of memories of you. The way you smiled before you told a real big fib, or the way your eyes shone when you laughed so hard you near cried. It seems like somedays the memories are worse than not knowing. It's like a gentle lie; the kind your parents told you to help you sleep at night. A sweet, innocent thing to keep the monsters at bay. I can't live like this any longer.

I hope you found someone by now. Someone who makes you laugh like you did, all open mouthed and shameless. Someone who makes you feel right; feel safe. Someone who will be a daddy to Daniel like I can't anymore. I hope you kept in touch with my own father. He's a good man, and he will raise our son right. But for you, I hope you find someone else. Someone you can love to pieces, like you did me. Someone to help you pick up the bits of what I left behind. Sorry it was such a mess.

I think I'm finally ready, or maybe I'm not. Maybe I will never be, but I think it is time. Long past time. I hope somewhere deep down in your soul you know I am sorry for what this has done to our family. I don't know what they told you, but whatever it was, I hope it left you able to move on, as I must also move on. I think it's time for me to tell you goodbye. I can only stare at the ghost of you, of what little of you is still with me, for so long, and be a sane man. I can't keep a hold on the past and move forward. I have been standing still a long time now, for you, baby, but at the same time it is my hope that you have not been standing still for me.

And if my prayers have been answered, and you have moved on, what then? What if I came home today, and you were someone else's sweetheart? To have and to hold; that is what I have to ask myself, love. It hurts, it damn near kills me to think of it, but the truth is even if I could go home tommorow, it wouldn't really be home anymore. No, my home is here, my people are here, and you and my kin will always be near and dear to me- but you are your own person, and you have a whole life ahead of you. Don't let one little poor b*****d from the west bank ruin it for you. He's not worth it, darlin, trust me.

As for our son. I don't know what you will tell him, but don't feel bad, whatever it is. Even if you paint me as something villainous. Whatever you have to tell him to make him feel safe, feel loved. To not feel lost and abandoned. I hope one day he will understand, as you will someday understand. I hope you can move on together. I hope he is a son you can be proud of.

I will always love you, Denise and Daniel. There will never be a day when I will chase you from my heart or my mind. You will always be in my thoughts and prayers. For you, maybe, this goodbye is long in coming. You after all have so much to handle, on your own, so much resting on your shoulders, so much to take care of and so much to do. I have been treading in this field of my own guilt for some time now. And I will always be sorry for what I did, but it is well past time to move on. I have to do my job, have to focus. For you. For Daniel. Have to live, have to fight. Otherwise, there'd have been no good in leaving. No point, nothing to show for all the pain and all the heartache I have caused you.

I pray someday you can forgive me. But I won't fault you if you don't. It is my cross to bear. Just keep on living every day, like it's the last. Keep on living for me. Keep on smiling, keep laughing, keep loving. If you can keep going, then so can I. Don't be afraid of what tomorrow might bring, it never did anyone any good. If I could, I'd trade my life just to kiss you one last time. To hold you and let you cry.

Take care of yourself, dewdrop.
-Wash