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Scaramouche Fandango Crew
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 Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2012 1:19 pm
Warp Nine was really excited. Half an hour of weaving through tourists with his family as they walked across Phony City to reach the Ye Olde Days of Yore Historick Restaurante couldn't dim his enthusiasm. The flyer had promised exciting jousts, a skirmish with a dragon, fantastic feats of magic, princes and princesses, an utter lack of silverware, and a free toy with every Ye Olde Children's Feast! His siblings were all occupied tonight, so it was just him and Mom and Aunt TPK and his cousin Lady Faire. It was their first big family outing, and he quite simply couldn't wait!
Of course, it would be cooler if it was space, but hey, old-timey fantasy stuff was cool, too. Especially since that's what his cousin seemed to be into. He nudged her shoulder as they trotted behind their mothers. "Hey, Lady Faire! You think that the princesses will have real gold crowns? Or maybe platinum? Or gold-pressed latinum? Do you think the dragon will breathe fire, or maybe he'll be some other kind of dragon? What do you wanna get for dinner? Have you ever been to a place like this before? I can't wait to see the knights! Do you think the king and queen come down from their kingdom to this restaurant every night?"
Roll to Dodge, for her part, was most happy that her son's questions were being directed at somepony other than herself. That, and that the kid wasn't watching television. It was good to get out of the house sometimes and experience the real world. The real world was the best inspiration for writing up encounters! And she hadn't gotten to spend quality time with her sister in ages. She had never thought in her wildest dreams that taking their children out to eat would be quality time; she had never thought in her wildest dreams that either of them would have children. But there they were, bouncing along behind them, and here they were, two family mares going to a restaurant that basically required princess hats to enter. It was going to be awesome.
"It's nice to take the kids out, isn't it?" she asked TPK, happily reminiscing. "I remember the first time I saw a choreographed sword fight at one of these places..." The grey pegasus chuckled at the memory. "I probably spent half a day coming up with a list of what the poor actor was doing wrong."
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Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2012 10:35 am
TPK scowled. "The first time we came here, I cheered for the Black Knight to defeat the King's champion and throw the realm into chaos. That was until I saw the dragon. Then I cheered for it to eat all the knights. The dragon that swooped down was red, but then it acted out of alinement and saved the day! What kind of ******** is that? If they wanted a good dragon, they should have cast a metallic instead of a chromatic to play the part. *huf* Amateurs."
Frankly though, it was nice to spend some time with her sister, even it was with the whelps in tow. She never really thought she would have kids. Although, since her's was born with science and splicing, TPK still had the nightmare thought that she was going to die a virgin. Her only sexual experiences so far were on RP servers in WoW, and most of those were more amusing than erotic. She wondered if her sister had gotten Roddy to do the deed. They had blisterpacks also, but maybe they ******** and then RTD had them artificially to save her girlish figure.
Lady Faire's eyes were wide and large as she took in every detail she possibly could. There was so much magic and pageantry! This was the best thing her mom could have ever done for her. THE. BEST. She wanted to stay here and be a princess forever. She could have serving wenches, and a court, and suitors, and EVERYTHING. Maybe she could sneak away, and her family would never miss her.
She was born to live this royal lifestyle.
As they filed into the stadium and to their benches, Lady was pleased to see that they had a seat close to the King and Queen, and front row for the action. Clearly, they noticed how beautiful she was, and placed her here. Maybe one of the knights would give her a favor. A princess' birth was above marrying a mere knight, but maybe he would take her before the royal court, and they could betroth her to their son.
Lady mostly ignored her cousin's blabbering questions. It was rude to completely ignore him though, so she just responded with, "Lord Nine, if you puzzle out what's going to happen, you'll spoil the surprise of the show. If you want to think it to yourself, it's one thing, but don't ruin it for me. Now when the dragon breathes fire, it will be drab because I'll be anticipating it." Meanwhile as she chastised him, inside she was wondering all the same things, but she didn't want to look like a child.
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Scaramouche Fandango Crew
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Posted: Wed Aug 15, 2012 4:16 pm
"Ohman, I remember how mad you were about that. You yelled at your miniatures for like, three hours that night and then butchered the entire party you were DMing. Then you had them play their own ghosts, which you promptly obliterated from any plane of existence. I thought it was clever, but maybe a little cruel." RTD helped her son up into his seat. They had a pretty good view, and as the unicorn playing the Royal Chancellor trotted out to announce the show, she couldn't help but notice how excited the kids were. Practically bouncing out of their seats.
As the lights dimmed, she leaned over to her sister and spoke low in her ear. "Who knows, maybe there'll be an evil wizard for you to root for this time!" She knew how much her sister liked evil wizards, though for everybody's sake, she hoped that she wouldn't meet one in real life. The resulting carnage/marriage would be kind of a disaster.
"Pfffft, like fire could ever be boring!" Warp Nine blew a raspberry at his cousin as they entered the mock-medieval castle. It was staffed by phonies dressed to look like various incarnations of vaguely European royalty. A pretty golden-maned pegasus with a tall white pointy hat led them past the gift shop and into the main arena, then took them to some very nice seats. He largely ignored his cousin's nay-saying; there would be far too much going on for all the surprises to be ruined.
A scarred, hapless-looking unicorn released the fiercest falcon anybody'd ever seen. It glared daggers at him, then soared over the audience. "Woah! Lookatthat! I wish I could fly that good!" The falcon swooped and dove before settling to land on a regal-looking unicorn with a colossal fluffy beard and a golden crown. A red cloak covered his back; whether or not he was an alicorn was concealed from the audience. The glossy white mare next to him, however, was definitely like his cousin, unless that was an artfully disguised strap-on horn on her forehead. He poked his cousin in the shoulder. "Look! A grown-up princess!"
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Posted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 8:36 am
"They were all a bunch of pussies anyway," TPK replied, "None of them wanted to game with me again. There are far worse things I could have done to their characters than wipe them from all existence. I could have banished them to the Elemental Plane of Kenny G, and they would have been doomed to listen to the sounds of sweet sax for eternity." Adult easy listening music was the worst.
TPK scanned around the arena during the introductions and the raptor display. Those parts of the show were the same every time. Next would come royal dancers who showed how well they could trot and prance. They were a bunch of showoff bitches in her eyes. "I hope they do mix things up and have an evil wizard. There probably will just be a bunch of paladins arguing over who gets to bed the princess though. 'No my lord, I am the most lawful and good. Let me ******** her brains out.'"
The waiter came and plopped a "baby dragon wing" onto her plate. Really, it was chicken; there were rules against dragon poaching, but it made it feel more exotic. She devoured her share, and then reached over to her daughter's plate to finish off her's. Lady Faire was too enraptured to eat it anyway; she wouldn't miss it.
"She... she... she.... she's BEAUTIFUL." Lady Faire stammered as she watched the princess. An alicorn just like her! Lady Faire glanced over at her mother, who was through a chicken and a half, and rolled her eyes. She was glad that genetically she took after her other mother more. Maybe she could convince the king that she was a lost high born girl they had just taken in. Then the king could keep her, and there could be two princess for all the knights to woo.
The Royal Chancellor came back out, and began to read a letter sent from some distant land saying that the lord there was declaring himself king, and declaring war. Lady Faire gasped in shock and then whispered to her cousin, "But who could ever want to betray such a regal king and gracious princess?"
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Scaramouche Fandango Crew
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Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2012 7:12 pm
RTD shrugged and reached for the chicken. "There are... probably worse things than Kenny G?" She leaned over and cut up some chicken for Warp Nine, then lightly whapped her sister in the shoulder.
"Hey, not all paladins are sex-addled jocks in full plate. They're my favorite class and I've nev- er... uh, An' besides, think about your kid. She's got it in her head pretty solid that she's a princess. You don't want her going to bed with the first numbskull in shining armor who wants to bone her, right? That's a recipe for the Maury Ponyvich show and that's pretty much the worst thing. Maybe not worse than the Elemental Plane of Kenny G, though. But my point? Lawful good doesn't always get you laid. In fact, at some point, you should probably tell her that. Pretty sure the sex talk's part of being a parent. Like, the actual talk. Apparently just handing a kid the Book of Erotic Fantasy's kind of the antithesis of what you're supposed to do. The internet told me so!"
Niner was pretty enthralled by the dancing girls, but an idea was forming in his head. He wanted to figure out how he could make his cousin super-happy and if that meant getting her on that throne, then he was gonna figure out how to make that happen. "You've got wings. You could fly on out there and ask her. I bet she'd answer you! No, wait! I've got a better idea! You're smart and pretty. I bet you're smarter than any of those dancing fillies out there! I bet if you figure out who it is and, like, tell those royal guards or stop him yourself with your magic or something, the king will like you better! And then maybe you can have that huge crown and a fancy cape!"
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Posted: Thu Aug 30, 2012 9:34 am
TPK shrugged, "What do you mean you can't just give them the Book of Erotic Fantasy? That's how I learned the lesson of the cockatrices and the bugbears. Besides, I'm pretty sure that my girl isn't going to run off and bone some paladork." She pauses for a moment, and sees Lady Faire enraptured by all the knights. Her eyes are wide, and she's almost drooling.
"Okay. Fine. How did you give the talk to your younglings?"
Everything was so wonderful! Lady Faire just couldn't get over all the pageantry. While she was sure that her cousin was correct in calling her pretty, she wasn't as certain on the smart part of that statement. "Well, I think I've figured it out already, but I'm interested in hearing if you have puzzled out who the turncoat is." Because the best way to do things was to have someone else do the work for you and then take the credit. "I would certainly love to have that cape and crown. I saw you making eyes at the dancers, once I am installed as princess, I will grant you the hand of any maiden you choose for your help in my ascent."
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Scaramouche Fandango Crew
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Posted: Thu Aug 30, 2012 2:10 pm
"I'm letting it come naturally. Basically, I keep an eye on their internet history. I figure when the girls start looking up things like TACO album covers and when, say, Niner there starts reading a lot of fanfiction where Captain Kirk is an ocelot or something, then it's time to sit them down and hand out copies of that Sandman PSA about safety." On one hoof, the pegasus couldn't believe she and her sister were discussing the discussion of sex out in public, but on the other, she was a strong believer in the Clerks school of conversation. Just let it come naturally, and it was bound to be hilarious.
Warp Nine was less interested in the pretty mares than in solving the puzzle. He didn't think it wise to tell his cousin that, though. "I think I've figured it out. See, that chancellor guy said that he got the letter from really far away, right? Only, I haven't seen any mail couriers around, and in all the episodes of sci-fi where they travel back in time, the mail courier always is really loud and says "Hear ye, hear ye!" and "Hark!" and stuff. And something this important, they'd want to make a statement, right? I think the chancellor wrote that note himself and while the king's distracted, he's gonna make a move for the throne! It's what Khan would do." Niner stared at the king's chancellor. One of the great fantasy tropes was the wicked advisor, and though he couldn't be certain, that was their best bet.
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Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 6:26 am
"I'd be more concerned if they start writing said alternate universe ocelot-Kirk fanfiction than if they were reading it. Although, that in and of itself isn't that bad because at least it's a good creative exercise. The main thing to keep an eye out for is when they start to Mary Sue themselves as the Alien Babe of the Week-ocelot that Kirk falls in love with. Then we've got a real problem on our hands." TPK takes a slug of ale from her grog before continuing. "I guess I wouldn't mind if my kids were perverts just so long as they were good role players."
She had her priorities right.
Lady Faire didn't think it was the chancellor; she thought it was the green knight who was the bad guy, but her cousin was probably right. Frankly, she was just guessing, and Niner's theory seemed to make sense. "All the nights are doing the tourny now, and the chancellor is off somewhere else. Who knows what he could be up to! He could be slipping poison into the King's desert! Dishonorable men always kill with poison. He's going to throw the kingdom into chaos, and while the knights squabble over who has a better birthright, he'll snatch the throne and take the princess for himself! We have to warn them! It's a horrible fate for a fair and noble princess to be wed to a lowly crier."
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Scaramouche Fandango Crew
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Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2012 12:44 pm
RTD had to shake her head. Yes, that would be her sister's priority. "I can't believe you'd even suggest that. You know I've been teaching them how to apply the Mary Sue Litmus Test since the time they could read! I n** that kind of silliness in the bud. Can't have a group of twinks on my hooves, now can I?" She too took a drought of ale. "Y'know, one of these days I'm gonna ask what kinda beer this is."
Niner's eyes got huge and fearful. "But... w...who is so evil as to poison a dessert? We should sneak down there while our moms aren't looking and tell him!"
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Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2013 11:31 am
"It's probably the cheapest 'beer of the realm'! TPK drank some more, and let it sit on her tongue. "Bleh. My guess is either the Light of Miller or the Friends of Weiser. Clearly the taste wasn't that bad, or at least the price was low enough, because TPK was getting pretty intoxicated. She started to shout at the Blue Knight while he was talking. "TAKE IT OFF, M'LORD! SHOW US YOUR ROYAL JEWELS! WOOOOOOO!"
Lady Faire glanced over at her mother with a look of pure terror on her face. That was NOT how you addressed royalty! "We should definitely sneak down. Right now. Before anyone sees us with her, I mean, before anyone sees us."
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Scaramouche Fandango Crew
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Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2013 2:15 pm
RTD rolled her eyes at her sister. "The BLUE knight? Seriously? Aw come on, if we're gonna heckle 'em, at least we gotta pick the most attractive one. " She too took a drought of ale. She wasn't quite as gone as her sister, but half the fun of coming to this place was getting there. "Wench!" she shouted. "More of this intoxicating brew, and bring us the Red Knight, for he is far fairer of face than his blue brethren!" Hopefully, the waitress didn't hear her.
Niner put on the face that could only be referred to as his srs bsns face. The colt's eyebrows were furrowed and he scowled ferociously. Not even a Romulan was as low as an evil vizier! "I will follow you, my lady! We'll apologize later to our mothers if they figure out we're using them as a decoy. But right now, we have to move! You lead the way and I will watch your back! We gotta get down there, knock EVERYTHING off the table, and warn the king!" He scooted off the bench and kept low to the ground, avoiding any waitresses who might be watching.
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Posted: Sun May 12, 2013 8:11 am
"RED?! I'll admit, I'm more drawn to red because red dragons are badassesssss," she said slurring her words, "and it's the color of Sith lightsabers, but he's not the most attractive. Clearly, he ranks low on the boneablity meter." She smiled what she thought was a dashing smile at the waitress. "Of course, wench, if you can bring any knight to our table, we'll shower you in riches! Go convince one of them to give us his favor and then maybe turn this place into a ye olde strip club!" TPK was impossible to be around sometimes, but she didn't really care. For as much as they charged to get into this place, they had better thrown in a knightly lap dance.
Lady Faire crouched to the ground. It was sticky with soda and beer. Ung, did she just step on a half eaten chunk of chicken? She moved quickly between rows and isles, and pushed onward to the King's area. "The royal guards must be eating dinner right now, because it looks like no one is watching the king. Why aren't they watching him while the realm is in chaos!?"
She listened to his conversation with the princess but the only parts she could pick up were something about his ex-wife asking for alimony and about the tramp stamp of a butterfly his girlfriend just got. Apparently he thought it was really sexy. Such queer talk for a king.
"Oh no! It looks like the royal server is coming with the desert right at this very moment! Quicken! We have not a moment to waste!" It was time for action, and Lady Faire dove out in front of the royalty, shrieking, "STOP! My Lord, don't eat the food! It has been POISONED, and you're about to taste your own destruction! It is your Chancellor! He means to take your daughter and your throne!"
What. The. ********. Was her daughter doing up there? "Sis, we have a huge problem. It seemed like the whole auditorium had turned to look. A mic picked up Lady Faire's shouting, and carried it though the entire place. Damn it all to Hell. She hadn't even noticed the children leaving. TPK figured that she should probably go up there and try to help them out, but she was a strong believer in letting people get themselves out of the messes they made. It was the same in her gaming sessions, if you wanted to go and fight the Big Bad Evil Guy before you were the right level, then fine. You were going to get your a** killed.
Then again, this was her little princess daughter, and not some a-holes from the gaming store. This being a mother thing was hard. She took another drink and waited to see what transpired.
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Scaramouche Fandango Crew
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Posted: Tue Jun 18, 2013 9:11 am
Chugging the last of what was in her mug, RTD twitched as she stared at the kids. How had they even gotten up there? "Oh s**t. Come on. We gotta go." She jumped to her feet as fast as intoxication would allow- though the situation was slightly sobering, she was still a little wobbly. "If we don't get up there to at least pretend to security like we're mad at them, we'll get permabanned harder than the time I posted porn on Neopets." As Lady Faire addressed the king, Niner took it upon himself to destroy the tainted food. Wings spread valiantly, he leaped onto the table, pushing everything to the floor. It was a brilliant plan, but what he didn't account for what would happen once he started spilling things. He began slipping and sliding all over the place, and ended up a sticky mess in the lap of the princess. She shrieked at the flapping, writhing colt and began to do some flailing of her own. It didn't do much... except for knock off the fake horn strapped to her forehead. She wasn't a real princess after all.
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Posted: Fri Jun 21, 2013 3:32 pm
Lady Faire shrieked bloody murder. She screamed and screamed and screamed as if she had her foot in a bear trap. Between the high-pitched noises, the words that escaped were, "SHE'S NOT A REAL PRINCESS," over and over and over again. Clearly, her entire world view had just been shattered, and she had no idea how to deal with it. "Oh, ******** ********. My prissy daughter just lost it. They are so going to kick us out faster than than a guy dressed as Spock at a Star Wars convention." TPK flapped her small wings, and slowly chugged her way up to the platform. The princess was yelling at the kids for getting tomato soup in her mane, and the king was laughing hysterically at the whole situation. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see some of the "royal guards" headed her way. They looked like pimple-faced foals who were working there because it was the only job they could find for the summer. She could probably take them if they got in a fight, but that might have just been all the royal brew talking. TPK got punchy when she was drunk.
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Scaramouche Fandango Crew
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Posted: Sun Aug 11, 2013 10:02 am
As the family dragged itself through the entrance/exit/gift shop combination, Niner couldn't figure out what exactly was wrong with his cousin. "Mom, why is she freaking out so bad? I mean, it's just a pegasus pretending to be an alicorn. Like on TV, when people wear rubber foreheads and pretend to be aliens."Roll to Dodge sighed, shaking her head. "It's a little more complicated than that. It's like she- oh, hang on, that looks like the manager. Here, take this twenty and go look at the swords. You wanted a sword, right?" The grey phony rolled her eyes and trotted over to meet the frazzled-looking stallion, hoping she'd be able to talk or bribe her way out of the situation. Her sister couldn't; she was still trying to calm down her shrieking filly. This was one of the parts of the evening that Niner was most looking forward to. There were so many souvenirs available for the purchase; the kid collected all kinds of things, and while most of them were science fictional, a fake sword wouldn't go amiss. As he looked at the weaponry, a thought overtook him. Even though this evening hadn't gone as planned, he'd still had a pretty great time. But this should have been his cousin's big night, but she was bawling her eyes out. He'd helped his cousin in the scheme to expose the traitor, but they'd accidentally exposed another lie- one that had seriously upset his cousin. He'd helped upset her; maybe he could help make her less upset. He didn't have much money on him; he couldn't pick up the fanciest of the capes or even the second-largest tiara. But he found a crown and a scepter that might work. He could get a sword some other time. Purchases in hoof, he walked over to where his aunt was doing her best to comfort her daughter. Quietly, he placed the crown on head and handed her the scepter. "I guess maybe they knew there can only be one princess," he said.
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