Missing on a Milk jug
Seems everyone is doing it so I should join in, right? emotion_awesome
I'm bad at keeping journals, though I do like to, so hopefully this will work out or I'll come back to it often. That would be nice. Abandoned journals always look so lonely to me.
Basics
I'm Milk. At the time of writing this I'm 19 and unsure if I'll update that so I'll also throw in that my birthday is March 1st so if I don't update this you can do the math. Obviously Milk isn't my real name but that's private everywhere I go on the net. I also don't mind being called Raspberry or simply Berry.
Hobbies and Such
I'm a knitter, a bit of a writer, and an at heart nudist. I like to read, mostly horror, suspense, some sci-fi, and fantasy. The occasional bodice ripper as well. I'm usually reading something by Stephen King. I haven't gone through all his books yet like I almost did with Nancy Drew before I lost interest (I use to go through 2 - 3 of those books a day when I was younger - they're great). I have an interest in gardening. At the moment I want to start gardening - in pots - herbal drink friendly herbs (since I wont be growing tea it can't be called tea - but perhaps in the future). Mints interest me most at the moment as we as red raspberry leaf that I've already fiddled a bit with (tastes pretty good if my memory is working). I have a bit of interest in fitness that stems more from my significant other (Sir) than personal interest - if it was personal interest I probably wouldn't focus so much on it unfortunately. I doodle a fair but I'm certainly no artist. Beyond knitting the art streak that runs heavily in my family seems to have skipped me. I barely have an interest in music - not that I dislike it, I just don't spend a lot of time with it or focusing on it - and I don't do photography or paint or draw or write songs. I doodle and occasionally dabble with a little bit of writing. That works well for me though. I prefer to read books and learn. If I could be a professional student and be financially stable and have kids, etc, I probably would go that rout. The next best thing to that will be homeschooling any children I may have - something I'm really determined to make happen - since I'll probably end up learning more than they will.
Poly Rundown aka the poly ramble
At the moment I'm in a (hopefully) temporarily monogamous relationship with a lovely guy. I have a ticker on my profile for how long we've been together if you want to check that out. We have a few issues to overcome. I'm the one that presented my interest in polyamory fairly early in our relationship (I think we were 16). He's been raised to be a gentleman and cherish his lady, all the good stuff, and don't haven't any strong poly desires. He'd be happy being monogamous. I'm very happy with him most of the time (what couple doesn't have a few issue?) but I don't think I could do monogamy. I have a bit of a funny feeling when I think of it. It's not a commitment fear - we've been monogamous for over 4 years now with no commitment related issues. He seems okay with my poly desires - a little excited even at the idea of me with another female like many straight males have been portrayed to be. What he isn't okay with is me being with another male even if they aren't dominant in a D/s sort of way - which is what I thought his initial misgivings could be but apparently aren't, though, he doesn't want me to be with another dominant either. This causes issues for me because... who is male and who is female and what about those who simple aren't? I've been attracted to those I don't know the physical gender of and people who are transitioning or desire to transition. I'm not sure if I've been attracted to anyone who identifies as third but that's a possibility in the future. It's hard because I don't have practice focusing my attractions on someone based on their physical bodies. And what if they change them? I also don't get it on an emotional level (I do understand it logically) - I'm fine with Sir being with a male or with a female. I'm a bit of a cuckquean - or at least have leanings - which is something he can't relate to but probably pushed me to explore the idea of poly more (my poly desires aren't limited to Sir being involved with others and those desires aren't something I feel I couldn't live without). He doesn't want to feel replaced or worries that I'll leave him for another - and he gets those feelings from the idea of me with another person who has the same anatomy a him. It doesn't apply to females because "we're not the same." It's hard to get across that another guy wouldn't be the same either. That I'm not even that sexual of a person and certainly not attracted to sexual bits. I'd probably be happy with an asexual relationship. It's hard to really get that across to someone where a physical body matters in their attraction and sexual contact is something that comes along with all romantic relationships - not that I'm saying it doesn't factor in a bit for me but it's in no way a focus beyond initial physical-based crushes. Sir has told me he most likely would not have been attracted to me if I had a d**k - he completely overlooks guys as potential partners. It's a bit sad at first to realize since I can't relate... but that's just the way it is. I've learned to deal with that. (It's just not something I really get) My main worry now is "what if I'm attracted to another guy or someone who is physical male or FtM or ... some other variation that Sir could consider male?" (Actually, that's already happened, but I don't see them as potential partner material even if I am attracted to them so that hasn't been an issue.)
It boils down to a jealousy issue that we're going to have to work on before we take off the monogamy sign - something I've made sure he knows I feel is something I really want, perhaps need - which is in the works for when we move in together or can at least see each other every other day. The distance does seem to make some of his jealous worries a bit worse. I hope if he meets the person I'm interested in - regardless of gender - that the jealousy thing will lower it a bit. I'm not going to rely solely on that but I do think it'll help a bit if they're friendly. It helped a bit with my initial "this wasn't how I was raised - culture shock-ish" lump that came when Sir started dating another girl (they've since broken up because poly wasn't for her). I'm really hoping it works out. I don't want to have to choose between a monogamous life with Sir and my poly desires.
Currently
Focused on: A knit-a-thon before school starts.
Reading: The Tommyknockers by Stephen King
In a relationship with: Sir
Going to school for: High school graduation and to complete a "1 year" university certificate course (split into 2 so I could go to high school at the same time) that will make it so I'm able to apply for a Child and Youth Care program.
Knitting: Dishcloth gifts and phone cozies.
Growing: nothing emo - maybe catnip or another mint soon.
Feeling: Pre-stress stress.
Listening to/stuck in my head: We Are Golden - Mika
Quest Thread
