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 Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 12:37 pm
Her feet had only just touched the carpet of her bedroom, after being sent home from the moon, but Aurora henshined up again to the senshi of magnetism drawing out her phone.
She didn't think about it. Didn't attempt to call Azzo or one of her friends as she usually might have. She just pushed the button and was immediately swept away to her own cold homeworld on the North Star.
The cold wind was bitter, and she flinched initially, having forgotten to bring the thick cloak that usually accompanied her. Any thoughts of doning her warmer royal clothes were quickly pushed away. Polaris didn't feel like being a princess right now. Not after tonight. Not after everything that had gone down.
Trudging slowly through the snowy fields towards the city in the distance she simply stared, her mind becoming as numb with overwhelming thoughts and emotions as her body had become from the cold. By the time she'd reached the city her motions were on autopilot, goosebumps prickling on all of her exposed skin, the very skin angry and red in protest, body shivering as it tried to warm itself back up.
The house provided shelter from the wind, but little else with splintered doors and windows. And again she didn't bother to try and remedy it. In the past when she'd visited she'd lit small fires.. hung cloth over open door ways.. wrapped herself up.
But today? She didn't deserve any of those things.
It was with an emotional and overwhelmed flop that she threw herself onto the dusty old bed with, one that fit a young teen far more then the 'young woman' she was supposed to be. Her boots were kicked off mildly before her legs curled up close to her chest, her face pressed into the old sheets as her fingers tightly gripped the fabric.
It was cold and lonely here. And dead. The only sounds the whistling wind and the clanks of metal tapping metal somewhere in the distance. But was it much better then what awaited her back on earth?
Her intentions had been good and she had tried so hard to do the best job she could. Though she'd went in to the meeting with nervousness there had been a definate excitement too. An excitement that had quickly been shattered by the pessimism and general hostility that was thrown at the whole meeting. She found herself insulted... her own contributions to the war questioned and critiqued.... her thoughts and feelings dashed and thrown aside by people too stubborn to even try listening. There was just so much disrespect.. to her and everyone else. And very little of what she'd hoped to accomplish had happened.
All she'd wanted was to clue in those people who didn't know what was going on. There were more people then she could count on her fingers that had asked her about that same information in the past. That complained that no one told them anything and that they were so lost. All she wanted was to clue them in.. and to help people meet up with others so that they could patrol together and be as safe and happy as people in a war could hope to be. So how had it all gone so spectacularly wrong?
The whole meeting itself had been a test in her patience and tolerance. The whole thing had dragged at her nerves and ate away at her confidence and optimism. But really.. it was what came afterwards that was really horrible.
The ambush had been horrible, the amount of people hurt, corrupted, and killed a staggering and impossible number to swallow. And it was her fault wasn't it? By suggesting that meeting and working with others to put it together. They'd thought they covered everything to keep them all safe.. but in the end it wasn't enough, and all that blood rest squarely on Polaris' ivory white gloves.
The heat of her tears almost burned against her chilled cheeks, melting in to the fabric below as she began to sob, recalling the scenes of that night. All those dead bodies. The eyes of that poor girl that was tossed through the mirror and corrupted right in front of her. Despite the quietness of her star, Polaris' fingers left the blanket long enough to try and cover her ears, trying to block out the screams. Only it didn't help.. You couldn't block out screams that were coming from inside your head.
So much blood. So much pain. Fear.. confusion... loss. Even up in the rafters, trying to keep Ares far away from the people below she could see it all. And now the scenes were replaying over and over again. The chaos off all of them in such a small area. The damage and injury her own powers had caused to the people on her own team.
Ares words found their way back into her mind, twisting, taunting at her already frazzled state, until the sobs shook her whole body. Look at how much damage she could do. Look at how she hurt her own people. How selfish of her to try and save the knight, at the cost of everyone else.
Niflhel.
His face crossed her mind.. fear in his eyes as the dark queen gripped his neck tightly. Red blood pouring from his wounds. His face as he triend to tell her not to care for him or choose him. As he begged her to KILL him if the opportunity arose again. Ares taunt was there too, laughing at her stupidity 'Chosing just one life over everyone elses'. She was weak. She was selfish.
She had been offended that he'd even asked her that. But now.. had she really just been in the wrong the whole time? How could loving someone be wrong?
She saw the sadness in his face as he told her about killing someone. As she realized that once again it was her fault behind that sadness, her own attack damage the accidental weapon. He turned from her and walked away. Walked away to follow another princess. The new princess.
Maybe it was better that way. Maybe Iris would be capable of all the things she apparently wasn't. Because Polaris was an absolute failure.
She failed to rally people at the meeting. She failed to keep them safe. She failed to protect them all when the battle insued. Even here.. even this cold and desolate world was proof of her failure.
She couldn't do anything. Nothing but lay here as useless as ever.. and cry. Maybe she'd just stay here forever, let her body at least join the tomb it had come from.
The wet spot of the blanket she laid over had grown over time as her tears soaked into the fabric. She was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted as she assaulted herself with the memories of the evening. Her breathing was getting slower, her eyes beginning to close as her body cooled down. The cold was beginning to overcome her, her body too tired to even shiver any longer, her fingers and toes becoming numb and red. Maybe she'd just go to sleep. Just go to sleep and never wake up....
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Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2012 10:22 am
Polaris groaned, squeezing her eyes tighter shut after a few flutters of her eyelids. The discomfort was obvious and extreme, and at the moment it was her only concern. Her body was frigidly cold, so much so that she couldn't really feel her own hands and feet at the moment. Aches and pain from her fight with Ares had come to life, only further inflamed by the severe cold and the strange position in which she had slept. Her throat was dry and sore from sobbing, her stomach turning with an angry roar. That was right... Other than a cup of yogurt and some fresh fruit Polaris had avoided eating on the day of the meeting, too afraid she'd nervously throw it all up. Now though... after over 36 hours and a battle her stomach felt like it was eating itself. Ughhh..
As cold and tired as she was the urge to 'get up' wasn't strong. Lingering feelings of guilt and sadness and anger whispered in her mind, as if almost trying to pick up where she had left off the night before. She had messed up. People had died. Polaris shifted a little, wishing she had a blanket over her.
Last night she would have told herself she didn't deserve it. And maybe she was still feeling the effects of her temper tantrum a bit. But now, after sleeping and freezing herself to the point of being unable to flail and scream there was something else there too.
Her mind went over the memories of the moon and the Moon Queen. She abandoned Are's caustic words for the Moon Queen's beautiful ones. Seeing her in the past had always brought Polaris some comfort. And now that she was done with her knee jerk emotional reaction.. they were beginning to do the same now.
Don't despair. It wasn't the same as being sad, and while it was close to what had happened last night, it wasn't even exactly the same as that. Despair was just a step further down, taking the leap from all of the anger and sadness. Going all the way down until you truely gave up. Until you truely let go of that last little glimmer of hope.
Hope was a precious commodity. Hope was the force that offered the strength to keep going when everything else seemed for naught. She had failed, that was a certainty and something that would surely haunt her. But Polaris had always been an optimistic soul.. and though it was just the tinest spark right now.. hidden under all the sorrow and guilt.. it was still there. That tiny pinprick of hope that even though she'd failed.. it didn't mean that she wouldn't win in the future. Couldn't win in the future. Look at how many senshi there had been. And another princess. Maybe the little pep talk from the moon queen would actually even be the nudge that she couldn't manage herself? She had to believe.
They couldn't just roll over and die. They couldn't just let the bad guys reek havoc over the city because they were upset over losing a battle. One lost battle did not mean a lost war.
It was with a groan that Polaris pushed herself up on wobbly arms, frowning down at her fingers as she realized she still couldn't feel them. A few of her fingers were redder and beginning to blister compared to the other, and she silently cursed herself, knowing full well the cause. Shifting to sit, she took inventory of her finger and toes, frowning all the more. Two fingers.. three toes. They weren't so far gone to frostbite to cause permanent damage.. but there was enough damage that they'd hurt once they finally defrosted. And until the skin healed, a few weeks if she recalled from some of her brothers, it'd lead to awkward numbness and limited use. And an absolute scolding from Niflhel.
It was at that moment that she noticed the letters everywhere, covering the bed like confetti. They must have appeared when she'd been only half awake, over a dozen of them littering the bed. She could make out his insignia on them before she even opened them, a similiar and increasingly frantic message scrawled across each passing letter. The final one was pushed to her forehead, obscuring the tears that touched the edge of her eyes again.
What had she done?
How had she been so selfish?
Her phone was summoned out, clumsily attempting to tap out messages with her cold finger. One to Grus, one to Athene. Nysa and Caelian would have to wait until she saw Niflhel. And Niflhel... well he obvious deserved an in person meeting.
Her concern for her friends had flared, quickly overwhelming her thoughts over what she could have done, or how she could have done it. She stared at the phone for a moment, debating pushing the button that would take her home. But after a moment it disappeared.
No. She need to go back soon. But first she had to do something. To prove something to herself.
She quickly found herself covered in more clothing, her wings wrapping around her waist. Even with the extra power that her princess form gave her, she was still wobbly and weak, fighting the pains and fatigue.
It took a little while, but finally she made it to the cold and dead central gardens, buried deep within the snow. There had obviously been flowers before, but they weren't blooming their any longer, long ago blanketed in layers and layers of snow.
It took some effort, a lot of it actually, before a large piece of metal lifted off the ground, following the motion of her hands. Like a snow plow the metal pushed inches of snow away and past the iron gates that surrounded the garden. Deeper and deeper until the shrubby bases of the frozen flowers were visable once again.
Polaris was breathing hard as she tried to manipulate the metal that groaned as it twisted together, using the last of her energy she created a 'roof' of sorts, a tangling of delicate metals strands that would help to keep the snow from falling over it and covering it again. She'd come back again later and cover it with canvas of some type to, to block any little holes.
But there it was.. something tiny. something probably insignifigant in the scheme of things. But it was something she had done and accomplished on her own.
It would take some time but she was certain now. From all of this death something would bloom. With time and care something beautiful would come from all of the horribleness of the day before.
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