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 Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 7:35 pm
All the hate had been sucked out of Harrison, and he wasn't sure what was left.
He stood, swaying and feeling about as substantial as a balloon. The shard was gone. The memories hadn't been his, the centuries that had diminished his life and relationships to a minor, inconsequential blip were reversed. It was the centuries that were far away.
The here and now that was wrenching and real.
He looked, mutely, at the facility tile and lighting.
...Was he really home? Or was it another distortion, and the rest of him was still with the dark and smoke and dismembered suns? He had hands again. He felt B0nez compulsively. Flashdrive. Not the skull around his neck.
We sucked at that level, B0nez said.
Where are we?
Home, far as I can tell.
He almost didn't want to meet Jordan or Rep's eyes in the crowd. He looked for them any way.
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 7:46 pm
It was over. Wasn't it?
We're home and you're okay, Ferros said, sounding infinitely relieved.
Everything felt off, strange and distant, his senses oddly dulled and his head too far from the ground. Jordan slowly brought a hand up to rub at his eyes. He had hands again. That was good.
The insistent beat of hatred and paranoia in his mind had vanished, and he was himself again. He had said some things, he recalled, while he was certain, utterly certain, that all his friends and lovers wanted was to use him, laugh at him behind his back. The memory made him wince; he'd been incautious, exposed parts of himself that he didn't like anyone to see, and he'd lashed out, trying to push them away. Worse, he'd withdrawn and done nothing while Harrison and Rep had argued, and the memory of what Harrison had said and the miserable droop of Rep's entire body made him feel faintly sick.
It had been the shards exacting their price, he knew. That ... didn't help as much as he wanted it to.
He dropped his hand away from his face and looked for Harrison and Rep in the crowd. He had to catch them now, he sensed, before either of them had a chance to think too hard about what had happened.
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 7:50 pm
As Rep returned to Deus, his first instinct was to grab his throat, still able to feel the teeth in his neck for a few lasting moments before he realised he was no longer dead or dying. As he calmed his nerves, he also realised he was no longer a cat either. It had taken a bit, a few moments of complete distraction as he reoriented himself.
It was distressing but nowhere near as distressing as the recollections that followed, he found himself recounting the entire disaster, from the fight where he had been no help at all, to the mirror, to the strange twisted world. His own gut twisted as he finally remembered the parts he'd wished were a dream, words he'd rather have left in the oblivion of forgetfulness.
The island looked the same, but it suddenly felt like a much less welcoming place.
He couldn't really trust anyone, not really. He'd been deluding himself a long time and today had finally driven it home. If thoughts like that were lurking under the surface then what had everything really meant?
He steadied himself against the nearest wall as he got used to what it felt like to stand again, feeling like he had to gather himself fully before he could face the energy throwing the old walls up around himself again would require. Outside, he looked as grim and composed as he could manage, masking it with an irritable complaint or two aloud about ******** horsemen and their damn schemes.
It took longer than he thought to feel ready to go anywhere.
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 8:25 pm
Red- there. More red- good. He looked down.
They weren't the only people he'd said things to. You okay?
B0nez, who had the emotional depth of a puddle, hadn't taken the tantrums or loopiness to heart, although the throwing had annoyed him. He was more concerned about the 1/100 and all the keys he'd seen the other minipets carrying in a stack. Mostly you sucked. Item collecting, awful. And during the boss fight you just curled up into a ball. We'll work on the server issues.
There wasn't malice, at least.
It gave him some encouragement.
He pushed through some dazed hunters, clumsy on his feet, towards Jordan, who happened to be nearest. As he got nearer, he slowed, apologetic, like he was approaching a deer instead of his boyfriend, and stopped with space still between them.
"We're back," he said, not quite believing it. He was quieter than usual.
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 8:31 pm
Wordlessly, Jordan reached out and pulled Harrison close, folding him up in a tight hug. Most of the time he was discreet about showing affection in public, even now, but right now he didn't give a flying ********. He needed to touch, to reassure himself that Harrison and Rep were here, real, unhurt.
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 8:39 pm
Rep sought people out in the crowd once he felt he was actually ready to face them. He spotted Jordan and Harrison but found himself against going right over. Even the hug, rather than the usual vicarious contentment he'd feel watching a display of affection like that, filled him with dismay.
He couldn't even believe in actions any more.
And some jealous petty part of him, deep down wondered why Harrison so much as deserved a hug after what had been said to him. He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall.
No he wouldn't go over. If people felt like ******** talking to him, they could come to him.
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 9:10 pm
Harrison buried his head in Jordan's shoulder. Jordan knew. He'd figured it out. He was right, as usual, something had changed him and as usual he'd been too dumb to listen.
Or too changed, maybe.
He looked up. Tried to smile at Rep, but the look faltered almost the moment he attempted it, frozen up by the way Rep hung back. He let go of Jordan.
"I don't know how it went so bad," he said.
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 9:14 pm
"Merlin," Jordan said, and left it at that.
He caught at Harrison's hand, lacing their fingers together, and led him over to where Rep stood, the ginger-haired-man's expression shuttered and guarded, afraid, maybe, or maybe resenting what had happened. Jordan couldn't tell, not at a glance. "Rep," he said, and reached out to hug him, too.
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 9:19 pm
Any other time he would have melted into the hug, wanting it, needing it. But right now he was just acutely aware of the feeling he'd been tricked, feeling stupid and irritated. Jordan hadn't hurt him the way Harrison had, but to concede to one of them was to concede to the other.
He stiffened his posture and in a single very deliberate step, moved back out of the hug, away from Harrison and by extension, Jordan. He wasn't okay, and he wasn't able to pretend he was.
"No." was all he could say, simultaneously apologetic and determined.
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 9:42 pm
"I'm not-" Harrison started. Not going to attack you. Not going to say more awful s**t. Not that guy.
Then hoarse, "it's me."
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 9:45 pm
Jordan didn't breathe for several seconds. Then he swallowed hard, bit his lip, and let his hand fall to his side.
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 9:54 pm
It hurt to see their reactions, to have to watch the moment where everything seemed to stop. And it made him angry, stoked anger he needed to cling to or he would crack and show the hurt. How could they make him out to be the bad guy here? Expecting everything to just be okay when things had been said, words he could still hear - he didn't even know what the ******** they had been thinking, what the shards did.
His thoughts raced, but outwardly he was blank.
He let his gaze linger on Harrison. The need was still there, as unbearable and intense as it had always been, but it felt more like a chain than a bond now it apparently only went one way. He couldn't keep the pain out his eyes as he stated levelly. "You were always you."
He looked away. "Or so it seemed. Is no one going to even tell me what the ******** happened back there? Or am I just supposed to simply come simpering back no questions asked."
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 10:13 pm
"...What happened?" Harrison repeated dumbly. "They almost killed us, and we got...warped to minipet land, and I-" He looked at the floor and wiped his forehead, where there were beads of sweat.
The floor changed under his feet for a moment, color gone, and then it was okay again.
"I tried to..." he wished his mouth didn't feel like somebody had numbed it.
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 10:15 pm
"I tried to get the piece of mirror," Jordan said quietly. "It did something to me. I thought I was hundreds of years old, and I had a job to do, and somebody had betrayed me, and it was only going to happen again." He took a shaky breath. "I thought I had to push you guys away because you were going to betray me. I thought it was all happening again."
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 10:27 pm
He felt like an a*****e demanding they explain things to him the way he was doing, but as soon as the doubts surfaced he reminded himself, he was one.
He raised a brow slightly at Jordan, paranoia as a side effect, he had suspected as much, the fear of betrayal. But Jordan had managed to control it, he had said cutting things but nothing so cruel as Harrison, it made him uncertain still, rather than reassured.
"So it ******** with your heads, fine. I can get that, after the PMS bullshit. But.. it doesn't answer everything."
He clenched his hands into fists, glaring coldly at Harrison. "Tried to what? Because you succeeded at a lot of s**t you seemed to be trying to do back there. I just want to ******** know if you meant it, but I can't even trust anything any more."
He took a slow steady breath. "I thought.."
"I thought a lot of things. Now I don't know."
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