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[Q] Yasria the War Horseman (crits please? <33)

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Ephebe

PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 8:47 am


xxxxxxWelcome!

xxxxxxThank you for stopping by my quest. <33 I'm really looking for other people's input on this, so if you read Yasria's form and have any questions, concerns or just things you'd like elaborated, let me know! I'd love you forever for helping me out.

xxxxxxThings I really want crits/feedback/possible ideas on:
xxxxxx
  • Her personality! Is there anything you think doesn't fit? Is there anything you think should be elaborated? Is there something you'd like an explanation for? Did I overdo it and is the personality section too long?
    xxxxxx
  • How she fits in the Lost Clan! Is there anything that immediately jumps to mind as not fitting with the setting?
    xxxxxx
  • Her FEAR! I'm really stumped on this one, so if you have any ideas that'd be awesome!
    xxxxxx
  • Anything! I'd love to hear what you have to say about Yasria, so don't be shy to post here (or PM me if you'd be more comfortable with that)! Any crit is endlessly loved

    [ intro ] * [ quest form ] * [ extra info ]
  • PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 8:50 am


    LOST CLAN CREATION FORM

    The Horseman
    Name: Yasria
    Nicknames: tbd through rp
    Gender: Female
    Age: N/A -- looks about 24

    Original Clan: War

    Job Role:
    [ Queen's Soldier - War ]: They are not only in charge of warding off hostile forces, but of course, also the protection and safeguarding of their clans. In the Human world, they are the ones who will set the traps against potential opposing forces. Soldiers work together in groups, and perform well with other classes, well versed in their ability to manipulate all obstacles and environments.


    Personality: On duty she is focused and practical. Yasria gives her all to her job and takes her duties as a Queen's Soldier infinitely serious, often setting aside personal feelings in matters that require it. She relishes the feeling of her team working as a well-oiled machine and loves to work with others in her duties. Although not a leader by any means, she also isn't afraid to stand up and say her piece if she feels a situation is getting out of hand. All work should be done as efficiently and cost-effective as possible - and all enemies should be eliminated. Any enemy of the Lost Clans is an enemy of Yasria, and all enemies should end with a dagger in their throat for good measure. There's no mercy when it comes to her job, whoever or whatever the opponent might be. She might occasionally act a bit too rashly when a good idea presents itself; why wait around for everyone to get old and grey before moving? Nevertheless she would never disobey a direct order; orders are orders, and Yasria is very good at following orders.


    Off duty Yasria is a lot more relaxed, especially towards her fellow horsemen. She sees the horsemen as one big, extended family and treats them as such; she feels she has a stake in making sure that the Lost Clan succeeds and its members prosper, often going to great lengths to help out her peers with whatever she deems neccesary. Even if the owner of the matter in question doesn't always feel like having help, Yasria takes helping out Very Seriously. She might even attempt to mother you a bit once in a while and jack help you if you try to escape. With how few are left every member of the Lost Clan is precious, to the clan and to her - after all, it's the closest thing to a real family she has left.

    As such she loves socializing within the clan and will often stop to chat with anyone she meets on her trips around the Lost Clan's territory. But as easily as making friends comes to her, keeping them is another matter entirely. If you don't talk with Yasria for a few weeks, she'll probably have forgotten your existance (and it's not even that, you've just gotten relegated to some dusty corner in her mind and put on a shelf). She doesn't mean to ignore you, really, she just has a bit of a problem with things that aren't here-and-now: two weeks with no interaction or encounters and things just start fading in relevance.

    More than that, Yasria also has a problem keeping up contact with people. Small-talk with strangers? No problem, but dropping by your tent uninvited to have a quick chat? Yeah, no, not so much. It's not meant to be mean and it's not personal, it just really doesn't occur to her - she'll move heaven and hell for you if you're right here, but otherwise she tends to move on with her life, no sweat. But hey, at least she'll act like the two of you only just saw each other yesterday and launch into her usual welcoming self when you do catch her - even if you happen to be a bit pissed about the two Octobers with no contact.

    Yasria also has, well, a tendency to act a bit quickly. She's not always rash, but when she gets an idea that sounds good, why wait around for everyone to get old and wrinkly? Might as well act now and get it done. Yasria tends acts quickly, especially when it comes to other people and their personal problems - if you told her about the boilfriend you think might be cheating on you, she'll probably end up confronting him the next time she sees him. Even if, say, there's a perfectly logical (and obvious) explanation and that girl really is just his cousin.

    This is also part of what contributes to her meddling nature - a mix of slightly self-serving good-will, nosiness and a 'it sounded like a good idea at the time!'-mentality. She doesn't throw herself into unnecessary danger, but she might occasionally (occasionally) bite off more than she can chew. But she can handle it. Really.

    Yasria is still quite devastated after the loss of the Four Clans - for a while she had trouble functioning in her daily life with the knowledge that everyone she had loved was now gone, wiped out in a single attack. She stills occasionally suffers from Survivor's Guilt, but she's refocused most of her efforts and intensity towards helping the prospering of the Lost Clan. This is the main reason she takes her duties so very seriously; surely if she works hard enough she'll eventually have deserved her survival. One day. Maybe.

    If even possible, she takes the future of the Lost Clan even more seriously than her duties; her contributions are, after all, a means to an end - and that end is the continued growth and well-being of the Lost Clan. She might occasionally border on fanatic. but Yasria really does mean well.

    She makes no secret of her hatred of the Hunters and humans and would truly, honestly, like to sink her dagger into each and every one of them if she could. She looks forward to the day she'll meet one personally and pay them back in kind for the damage they've done to the Four Clans. Verdict: needs a good dagger to the face. Preferably the eye.

    On the other hand, Yasria feels a slight debt to Halloween Town and its residents for giving the horsemen a place to go after the destruction of their home. That, however, is as far as she'll go. Halloween Townies are in her opinion weaker than even the weakest horseman, unsuited for the rigours of battle and not fit to be full-fledged allies of the Lost Clan - or her. She approaches them with a cautious air, polite because of the land they've granted the Lost Clan, but aloof because of the general lack of potential inherent in them. One would really have to impress her to become friends with her.

    Her hobbies includes collecting feathers. Size, colour, origin, it doesn't matter; if it's a feather, Yasria wants it. She used to keep a relatively large collection of various colourful feathers at her abode but lost them all in the attack. Ever since the Lost Clan settled at their new home though, she's been steadily working at re-building her collection. Occasionally she used to go to the more artistically inclined members of her clan to have jewelry and other bits and bobs made out of her feathers - you could probably persuade her to part with a few for your new bracelet.

    Her quirks include a tendency to frown while thinking something over, no matter the topic, often mistakenly looking quite forbidding while pondering such serious matters as whether or not to have carrots with her dinner.

    A bit more bizarrely, Yasria is also fond of smoking ci-ghoul-ettes. They're a bit hard to come by for her though, so it's usually a rare luxury when she gets to have one.



    Mount Form: [ War ] - Red horse/ feral mounts, often wild beasts, animals, or large oversized birds of prey
    Oversized Secretarybird
    Weapon Form: [ War] : Summon a SIMPLE bladed weapon, has to be dagger OR short sword shaped.
    Summons a mughal dagger.

    FEAR ATTACK: Battle Cry -- Dagger attack. Yasria slashes the opponent with her trusty weapon. ((UNDER REVISION))

    Physical Description:

    Eye Colour: Dark green
    Hair Colour/Style: Dark brown, for style see ref#1 and #2!
    Skin Colour: Darker tanned, golden. (See ref #1 for inspiration)
    Clothing Style/Colours: Entirely up to the artist!
    Extra:
    Bodyshape -- curvy and quite tall, Amazonian in a word!
    For anything else, artistic license! Feel free to add accessories too, feathers in her hairdo, anything you want. As for her wings, low on her back/butt-wings like the other members of the former War clan. For style, perhaps take inspiration from the secretarybird? Basically, go wild!
    References:
    Ref #1 -- shows hair colour'n'style as well as face shape! (Clothing type not applicable here, so please disregard that! <33)
    Ref #2 -- shows hairstyle and face

    [ intro ] * [ quest form ] * [ extra info ]

    Ephebe


    Ephebe

    PostPosted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 8:53 am


    extra info! family info, trusty minipet, anything that doesn't fit in the form!

    User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show. or User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.? idk

    [ intro ] * [ quest form ] * [ extra info ]
    PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 3:46 pm


    It's a funny thing to ask, actually, but are you sure about the name? wink ) Four Clans were originally sort of exotic to the world of Halloween, so most of the name taken are "sort of" exotic as well (like, Shikoba, Shaheen, Senga, etc, for War clan); War was originally an Amazon-based tribe, so... wink

    Aloof, Short-sighted and Impulsive traits appear to balance Warm and Friendly a bit (though, I think, this exact phrase disagrees with the Friendly and Warm traits: "After the attack that destroyed most of the Four Clans and their land however, she's retracted into herself, guarding her heart against strangers and friends alike"), but still it looks like she's probably a bit too nice and friendly for a Horseman of Apocalypse, and especially War Queen Soldier.

    The concept of "catch more flies with honey than vinegar" sounds more like a Conquest, imho; War horsemen, as far as I think, are more straightforward, relying on power/skills/aggression/wrath. If you're looking for a more "nice&friendly" type of character, may be you can consider other clans? But generally, I think horsemen are anyways more harsh/arrogant/not-nice than Halloween students, first of all, due to their circumstances (and actually I think you can widen her entire reaction to the destruction of the Four Clans / loss of her own clan with possible friends/relatives, as well as her opinion towards the humans and halloweeners, - all of that can improve her personality really well).

    Also, last, but not least, on the contrary to the students, horsemen do not have to be limited in their age, you can actually make her an adult, which opens up a lot of opportunities to think about.

    Fear doesn't look impressive to me: Fear attack is more like a one-time special deal, a limit break, bankai, etc. Dagger attack, however, sounds just like her normal attack (since dagger is the weapon she's normally using). You can actually think of something more interesting, I dunno, for example her dagger is decorated with some little metallic flowers, what if she stabs the air with her dagger summoning a number of sharp flower-formed blades that fly towards the opponent (since battle cry is just an offensice damage dealing move), that's just a wild fantasy example, but it probably should be something "unusual".

    I would really recommend checking out some profiles of existing War clansmen, like Jay, for example: this character is quite "nice", as well, so it's all possible smile

    Hope that helps a bit!

    santime

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    Ephebe

    PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 10:14 pm


    santime

    The name: I really like the name Jules (perhaps if that was her real name it'd work better?) but I'll start looking at alternatives! EDIT: What about Yasria as an alternative? I might have gotten a bit too hung up on keeping the OC rather than adapting her properly to the setting but that can be worked on! c:<

    Hmm, I think you have some good points here. (And yep, you're totally right on that sentence. @_@ It is now gone!) Would perhaps her niceness work better if I emphasized that it was mostly towards the other horsemen and only off-duty? I could play it up as her feeling like she has to take care of the other horsemen since they're the last ones left and the only people she has left. Annnd add that she takes her duties very seriously (and perhaps add a bit about how she acts when she's on duty to give an idea of that - ie, practical, focused, harsher, able to set her personal feelings aside)?

    Probably going to nix the 'Insecure' trait and add more on the things you mentioned! It was mostly there because I wanted to work it over in plotz until it'd morph into the 'confident' trait. But I also see how it'd interfere with the person I want her to be, especially when it comes to her work.

    I think I might do that! Does about 24 in mental age/experience sound better?

    Haha yeah I know, I'm really quite stuck on the FEAR attack. Not very good at making them, but you make a good point! I'll start thinking of something cooler asap. c:

    Thank you very much for your feedback! <333333333333333xa million
    It really helped me out, and I definitely see your point about her being too nice and you gave me some great ideas on how to proceed!
    PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 2:33 am


    Oooh, glad I could help! If you like the name Jules, you can may be take it as her nickname, while Yasria would be her real name? wink And yeah, there's nothing wrong with the niceness, a lot of people want to play nice and friendly characters (and that is much easier than to play arrogant/closed character, in the first place; "unfriendly" characters are very hard in communication with others), you just have to find a reason for her being nice to adapt her better into the setting smile ) Everything is all right, just find a proper way))

    And yep, everything you suggested sounds great to me. The only thing I can also mention, you can suggest some tiny details that actually brings the character to life: does she have hobbies? Jay, for example, if fond of jewel crafting, Shikoba likes to play flute. Also, you can think about some cute (or not-so-cute) habits, I dunno, from speaking in her sleep to always touching her hair when nervous, anything.

    santime

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    Ephebe

    PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 11:49 am


    santime


    Okay, gave personality section a good revision! I'll just go with Yasria - she's morphing into a totally different character than the Jules I started with anyway, so it'll be a good way to keep them separate in my head! (Also, I kind of fell in love with the name rofl I'M EASY OKAY)

    Would you mind looking over the new personality? I think this explains things better while putting less emphasis on her niceness and more on how seriously she takes her duties (which is quickly morphing to be a chief aspect of her) and retaining her flaws. I'm a bit worried if I managed to get across that she's quite ruthless when it comes to enemies?

    I'm still working on her FEAR! I was thinking maybe she temporarily summons a twin to her dagger? I need to add something more to make it pop more, but working on that!

    And you really rock for helping me out like this. <333 I really like this new direction things are going in, and you're the credit for it! c:
    PostPosted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 1:42 pm


    Looks much better to me smile Concerning the fear, you can go as wild in your fantasy, as you wish, if that would be too overpowered, GMs will tell you, don't worry. But as long as it isn't affecting reality or launches a massive destruction, that would be fine. It's not really hard, just think of some special attacks from your fav anime/manga series.

    And now I think you need smb else to take a look on her, since everyone notices just certain things smile

    Ephebe

    santime

    Vicious Aggressor

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    Ephebe

    PostPosted: Thu Jul 19, 2012 3:02 pm


    I will do my best to find something!

    Yep, thank you again. <33
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