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Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 3:17 pm
I'm unsure whether to continue this or not. Hence the reason I didn't put it in the subforum 'short stories'. Also, English is not my first language, I'm aware there are some mistakes, and maybe even the wrong use of words. Then again, I usually don't write stories.
I'm learning, so critique is more than welcome! Suggestions, ideas, all welcome.
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It was a dark night, the moon was shining high in the sky, lighting up the city from above. It looked like the city was bathing in silver light. It looked like a normal night, but there was a tensed atmosphere hanging in the sky. So now and then the silver light reflected in eyes that reflected back. It was like those eyes took in the moon light, causing to light up. The creatures seemed nervous, like they were waiting for something to happen. The street lanterns shined down on their body, revealing a fur. And as the creatures walked further into the light, the color of their fur became more visible. It wasn’t black like the shadows that were created by the huge gray buildings. Some red, some were multicolored, and some were white like snow. They all came together, moving across the city like shadows. As they were letting everyone know what was going on by letting out a loud, agonizing meow.
Like a swarm of bees they went through alleyways. It was like they had no time to lose. They were so quiet; it was like their small paws barely touched the ground. There were hundreds of them, walking over walls, roofs, nothing stood in their way. A huge oak seemed to be their goal. Climbing up, using their elegant body. And with their tail for balance, they had no trouble to get into the tree. In just a couple of seconds, the entire tree was filled with those furry creatures. On every branch, from top to toe.
The oak tree stood in the middle of a small park. That was surrounded by apartment complex’. It was like the creatures had gone crazy, but they were focusing on only one apartment. The only apartment complex the moon was shining down on. Their luminous eyes lightened up, and they did not move and inch, as they were deeply focused on the apartment. But from the outside there was nothing special going on with any of the apartments.
The meowing got louder as a luminous orb left through an open window in the apartment. Their ears perked up, and their tails were up, leaving the tree, as their meows became more excited. Their behavior became more playful, as the creatures started running, guiding the orb. The cats moved to higher places, jumping from roof to higher roofs. Reaching closer to the moon and into the light.
Their finish was when they couldn’t go any further, or any higher. They could see the city from above, as the stars shined down upon them. All the cats looked up at the clear night sky that was filled with stars. No one would know, but them that a new star was added tonight.
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 3:59 pm
Very interesting!!! You must continue!!!
Course I love cats lol.
There were, as you stated there could be, a few errors. If you wish/don't mind I could do my best at editing it for you.
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Posted: Sat Jul 14, 2012 4:55 pm
Strange... But in a good way! I've never read anything like it and I think you should continue with this idea if possible. Also, I am a big fan of cats myself! I love the imagery you use so that I can clearly picture the cute little felines.
Now, I know you said it yourself and Snowblazer pointed it out, but I have to mention the grammatical errors. I'll only give a few pointers since I'm not exactly a grammar nazi and am not very good at it myself. First off, try not to begin a sentence with And, So, or But. I think I only saw this once or twice but just letting you know for the future. I used to do it all the time until my middle school English teacher kicked that out of me. Second, you seemed to have some sentence fragments. For example, you say "The cats moved to higher places, jumping from roof to higher roofs. Reaching closer to the moon and into the light.". The underlined sentence is a sentence fragment. You can fix this by changing it to "The cats moved to higher places, jumping from roof to higher roofs, reaching closer to the moon and into the light." or by making the fragment its own complete sentence. Whichever way you see fit shall work.
I believe that's all I have to say. Remember, I only said those things to help you. I am aware that your first language is not English so I hope these little pointers help you with your writing later on.
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Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 8:59 am
Girl on Fire 12 Strange... But in a good way! I've never read anything like it and I think you should continue with this idea if possible. Also, I am a big fan of cats myself! I love the imagery you use so that I can clearly picture the cute little felines. Now, I know you said it yourself and Snowblazer pointed it out, but I have to mention the grammatical errors. I'll only give a few pointers since I'm not exactly a grammar nazi and am not very good at it myself. First off, try not to begin a sentence with And, So, or But. I think I only saw this once or twice but just letting you know for the future. I used to do it all the time until my middle school English teacher kicked that out of me. Second, you seemed to have some sentence fragments. For example, you say "The cats moved to higher places, jumping from roof to higher roofs. Reaching closer to the moon and into the light.". The underlined sentence is a sentence fragment. You can fix this by changing it to "The cats moved to higher places, jumping from roof to higher roofs, reaching closer to the moon and into the light." or by making the fragment its own complete sentence. Whichever way you see fit shall work. I believe that's all I have to say. Remember, I only said those things to help you. I am aware that your first language is not English so I hope these little pointers help you with your writing later on. I have no idea how to continue it! So I basically have to make it 'one' sentence?
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Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 9:05 am
Snowblazer Very interesting!!! You must continue!!! Course I love cats lol. There were, as you stated there could be, a few errors. If you wish/don't mind I could do my best at editing it for you. Sure, try me.
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Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 9:14 am
Yeah, that's what I was taught at least.
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Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 9:14 am
Girl on Fire 12 Yeah, that's what I was taught at least. I'll try to remember that next time. Thanks! 4laugh
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Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 1:44 pm
Question, do you got more tips like 'don't start a sentence with "And, But and So"? 4laugh
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Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 2:41 pm
Funklepuss Question, do you got more tips like 'don't start a sentence with "And, But and So"? 4laugh Eh, sorry no. I'm not really great at grammar myself. That was just the main thing I noticed, so I thought I'd give you that tip.
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Posted: Wed Jul 18, 2012 3:04 pm
Girl on Fire 12 Funklepuss Question, do you got more tips like 'don't start a sentence with "And, But and So"? 4laugh Eh, sorry no. I'm not really great at grammar myself. That was just the main thing I noticed, so I thought I'd give you that tip. Owell, doesn´t matter! I thought it was very helpful.
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Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 6:38 am
When I read the beginning, I'm like, wow. When I read the rest of your story, I'm saying to myself, "It's amazing!" You have to write more!
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Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 7:11 am
OhhBissh When I read the beginning, I'm like, wow. When I read the rest of your story, I'm saying to myself, "It's amazing!" You have to write more! Really? redface emotion_jawdrop
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Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 8:01 am
Funklepuss OhhBissh When I read the beginning, I'm like, wow. When I read the rest of your story, I'm saying to myself, "It's amazing!" You have to write more! Really? redface emotion_jawdrop I'm telling the truth.
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Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2012 2:28 am
OhhBissh Funklepuss OhhBissh When I read the beginning, I'm like, wow. When I read the rest of your story, I'm saying to myself, "It's amazing!" You have to write more! Really? redface emotion_jawdrop I'm telling the truth. Thank you! emotion_kirakira
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Posted: Thu Dec 27, 2012 8:08 am
Quote: It was a dark night ; the moon was shining high in the sky, lighting up the city from above. It looked like the city was bathing in silver light. It was just like any other night , but the atmosphere was tense, almost tangible. Now and then , the silver light reflected in eyes that reflected the same image back. It was like those eyes took in the moon light, causing them to glisten apprehensively. The creatures seemed nervous, like they were anticipating an event. The street lanterns shined down on their bod ies, revealing fur. As the creatures walked further into the light, the color s of their fur became more visible. They weren't black like the shadows that were created by the huge gray buildings. Some were red, some were multicolored, and some were white like snow. They all came together, moving across the city like shadows. They notified everyone by letting out loud, agonizing meow s. Like a swarm of bees they rushed through alleyways. It was like they had no time to lose. They were so quiet; it was as if their small paws barely touched the ground. There were hundreds of them, walking over walls, roofs, nothing stood in their way. A huge oak seemed to be their goal. They climbed up, using their elegant bod ies. Using their tail s for balance, they had no trouble to get into the tree. In just a couple of seconds, the entire tree was filled with those furry creatures. On every branch, from top to bottom. The oak tree stood in the middle of a small park. It was surrounded by an apartment complex. It was like the creatures had gone crazy . They were focusing on only one apartment. The only apartment the moon was shining down on. Their luminous eyes lightened up, and they did not move and inch, as they were deeply focused on the apartment. But from the outside there was nothing special going on with any of the other apartments. The meowing became louder as a luminous orb left through an open window in the apartment. Their ears perked up, and their tails were up, leaving the tree, as their meows became more excited. Their behavior became more playful, as the creatures started running, guiding the orb. The cats moved to higher places, jumping from lower roofs to higher roofs. Reaching closer to the moon and into the light. When they couldn’t go any further, or any higher, they stopped. They could see the city from above, as the stars shined down upon them. All the cats looked up at the clear night sky that was filled with stars. No one would know, but them that a new star was added tonight. This is a really interesting introduction!! I think you should keep going. The only big thing to watch for is your grammar errors, but that is to be expected if you don't know English that well. I hope my few changes helped. I didn't want to stray out of your style, so if I did just tell me or don't use the changes, which ever. If you need someone to bounce ideas off of just PM me biggrin
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