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 Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 1:00 pm
The apology to Rin had been what seemed like a resounding success for Rep. He'd managed to do something completely new without losing his temper and had proven to some degree that he meant it in earnest. It was the confidence from this success that even let him think apologising to Jerry was going to be remotely doable. The guy had completely flipped on the mission in the moment, and he could only hope that it had simply been a reaction in the instant versus a grudge he'd still be carrying.
Besides, he told himself, this was technically an order, and Sasha had also been very clear indeed that he didn't get an option with this apology if he ever wanted to be armed again. It was better to do it sooner than later when it had a chance to fester.
His first port of call was the training fields, quiet today, the first time he'd been back since the altercation with the life huntress days before. He found himself once again touching the scar on his throat and almost derailing himself from thoughts of the search for Jerry to remembering the fight, it hadn't even rained, he bet his blood was still there.
It took Tracey saying his name to shake him out of it, and he paused. Right. He had a phone didn't he? He'd almost forgotten. He took it out and sent a text, not entirely expecting a reply.
Bilious From Rep: I'm by the training fields, if you have time to talk.
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Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 1:52 pm
Jerry stared at the text long and hard.
For some time, he debated not answering. Just return to his duties. Make sure Sasha was healing up well. Sit in the Pod Room and practice his guitar while the Sleepers Slept. His shift would be over soon, he'd let Rep wait while he mulled it over.
His talk with Jordan sat in the back of his mind, but even so there was an underlying frustration and indignation tinged in rage that he just couldn't shake.
Rep was broken. He knew what it was like to be a broken man. He should be sympathetic.
He wasn't.
He shifted on the grassy knoll, staring down at the red head waiting there bold as brass. As though this had been a small argument in a bar, and not...
He shifted Roar's positioning on his shoulder and pulled the trigger.
The ground just to Rep's left suddenly erupted in a blast of sound. When he was sure the ringing in the man's ears had faded, he pressed send on his phone, and waited for the Ginger to pick up the call.
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Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 2:04 pm
Rep was starting to think Jerry either hadn't gotten the text or didn't care when the world decided to explode beside him. He dropped his phone and yelped in an entirely cowardly manner leaping goalie-style away from the crater in sheer reflex. Scrambling to his feet, he snarled.
"The ********?"
Too close, way too close, close enough he'd felt the heat from the blast. Speaking of the blast itself, that colour had been worryingly familiar, he couldn't think of anyone else who had a weapon that shot green death. He backed away from where he'd been standing, twirling the bracelet in a nervous and involuntary response as if he wished he could remove it and summon Tracey on the defensive. He couldn't see where it had come from, and as he tried to figure out the trajectory of the blast, his phone started ringing.
"Eh..hello?" he stated as coolly as he could manage, picking it up off the ground to answer. He was still too busy looking around for the very immediate danger to even register that the call could be anything other than some idiot phoning him at exactly the wrong moment.
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Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 2:06 pm
"You wanted to talk." Came the surprisingly calm voice on the other end.
Jerry adjusted his earpiece before putting his hands back on his weapon and taking aim once more. "Talk."
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Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 2:12 pm
The moment Jerry spoke, Rep froze dead on the spot. Moments before he'd been walking in small circles trying to get a handle on the other man's vantage point. It no longer really seemed to matter if he could see him or not.
Sighing shallowly he stated. "Awright then. If this is your preferred method then whatever."
He eyed the ground distantly.
"So. I guess. I wanted to like. Apologise and s**t. For what happened. For all the s**t that's happened."
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Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 2:17 pm
Jerry pushed his glasses up his nose and squinted one eye, lazily following him between the cross-hairs of Roar's quills. "Why be sorry? I thought you liked being the Big Man."
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Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 2:53 pm
Rep laughed drily "I do like being the big man, who doesn't like feeling ******** invincible? I'm not going to lie about that. But I ******** up royally, I got ******** stupid and stressed and what happened shouldn't have."
He was glad he didn't have Jerry right there in front of him, somehow it was easier to talk when it felt like it was to himself. "I wanted to show I could cut it. Since I got here all I've done is lose lose lose and piss people off, even when - and you'd never know it - I don't always mean to piss people off. But clearly I shouldn't be allowed to lead. And now I can't even summon Tracey. I'm where I deserve to be. And I'm sorry that you got ******** dragged into it."
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Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 3:12 pm
Jerry listened very carefully before pulling the trigger again, this time just a few feet away from Rep's feet, enough to startle, not close enough to hit.
He mulled it over as he waited for the dust to settle. "This isn't just about that mission."
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Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 3:26 pm
Again Rep flinched and edged hurriedly away from the explosion before forcing himself to stop again in a gesture of how unarmed he was.
He tried very hard not to look at the smoking mark on the ground, and instead forced himself to nervously keep talking. He wasn't even sure how his suppressed shield would react to a direct hit from Roar and he really didn't want to find out.
"W..well like...I'm not just like, apologising for that mission. I'm apologising for like..everything too I guess." he furrowed his brows as he tried to think how even to explain himself. "I guess. I'm a p***k, I come across really ******** badly and people have every right to dislike me." His thoughts went back to his discussion with Jordan. "I just go for a ******** reaction, I like people when they are angry. Its honest. And back home, you were a d**k to your mates as a greeting, if you said hi or something they'd call you a nancy."
He shrugged his shoulders, despite the fact he didn't know if Jerry could even see him. "I got upset every time we talked because like.. maybe I was jealous? You are a ******** nerd man, you are just the WORST most agonising nerd I've ever met. But you are allowed to be and clearly no one's ******** beaten it out of you." The way he felt people had done to him. "I felt I had to be the one to do it."
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Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 3:40 pm
"You aren't the first one to bully me, Rep. But you are the first on the island." Another explosion, and pause for the ringing to stop, "You aren't the only unstable person here, either you should know. I should thank you. You taught me something."
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Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 3:46 pm
This time as the explosion came, he merely flinched but didn't move away, resigned to the fact that if Jerry wanted to hit him, he would.
"What did I teach you?" It was impossible to keep the sharp sarcastic edge out of his voice, he felt threatened and helpless and those feelings always eventually coalesced into a very general sort of anger.
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Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 4:33 pm
"Good intentions are useless. There's no point in trying to be a good person here. It'll just make you a victim. We shouldn't care about anything or someone will just use it against you. We are tools, nothing more. Faceless soldiers. We aren't human. Not anymore. We aren't allowed those human frailties, are we. Nothing is sacred, nothing is safe, and no one cares."
He leveled Roar's aim, this time directly on Rep's face, but didn't pull the trigger. "I won't be bullied any more. Not ever again. I could kill you right now, but I haven't stopped caring completely just yet. At least about the people I value. Like Jordan. If you were armed, I probably still could kill you. But you don't think that, do you? You just see a nerdy twerp you could gang up on. I'm tired of it, Rep. I'm tired of putting up with a sniveling little piss like you. I'm tired of being the butt of the universe, so you know what? Congratulations, Rep, you win. The next time I pull this trigger, I'll be aiming at your knees. Maybe if you're lucky, you'll just get a little pain in your tendons that keeps you up at night terrified it's going to get you killed in battle."
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Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 4:57 pm
"I'm glad I taught you that much. I learned that before I got here, its why I'm still ******** alive. Bitter maybe, but alive." It meant you could never really care about anything, but it meant you were invincible. Even if you got stabbed, no one important would mourn your loss.
"Its a good lesson to learn, but even I can't ******** live it entirely either. You aren't the only person with people you value, the only reason I'm still ******** trying is those people. Those people are why I haven't just given up to the fact that no matter how hard I try, this organisation doesn't ******** want me. That I'm essentially ******** worthless, to the point they won't even kill me outright." He shrugged, it really was easier to be honest when it was faceless, over the phone.
"Butt of the universe. Hah. Felt like that ******** many times, I just learned to struggle before you did. Almost sad to see you coming round to my way of thinking, because once you start fighting back, it'll just be me left at the bottom." He chuckled mirthlessly, composing himself to state. "And clearly I've gotten ******** good if I've got you believing I think you couldn't kill me. You are WAY ******** stronger than me here." He smirked to himself. "Why else would I have tried so ******** hard to get you under my heel?"
He shrugged indifferently but it was a front, the reminder of the injury Jerry had taken thanks to his anger getting them both maimed still stung. "Shoot if you want. I'm probably ******** next mission with or without a lasting injury mate, I don't even have a weapon. But if it makes you feel better then whatever floats. You can be the Big Man, I don't ******** care any more."
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Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 5:17 pm
Jerry bit his tongue, and for a moment, was ready to pull the trigger.
"You're right, you are worthless. Nothing more than a bottom b***h for a pile of your so-called 'fags'."
The part of him that was still fundamentally Jerry Collins was appalled by what had just spewed from his mouth.
"It... it takes a lot for me to outright hate someone, Rep. I'm not going to kill you because Jordan is my best friend. I'm not going to kill you because I care about him. You might not understand Respect, but I do. And that's what's keeping you alive right now." His voice was shaking. "I know you only care about yourself. I know you're stuck in your own head, but there's other people around you. Other people who want to like you, want to see what worth you have but you piss all over it because you're stupid, and that's what's going to get you killed. Not your weapon or lack there of."
He hung up the phone and wobbled to his feet to glare down the hill.
If Rep wanted to continue the talk, he'd approach or call back.
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Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 5:42 pm
Rep gritted his teeth at Jerry's insult and tensed up all the more. If he'd been in front of him, he'd likely have tried to swing at him, would have tried anything to take the sting out of the comment. As it was, he had to take it. So that was what Jordan meant. This was how it felt to be on the receiving end of the sort of comments he made so easily.
As the dialtone rung out, he turned on his heel to look for the other Sun, finally spotting him and very cautiously moving nearer, he couldn't leave yet, he didn't feel there'd been any resolution. "Listen. Listen man." he stammered. "I don't only care about myself. I want to be liked as much as any other ******** human being right? I just don't know how. I'm changing as fast as I ******** can but its not fast ENOUGH."
He sighed. "Whatever, I shouldn't be ranting at you about this. I just guess, I don't want you to think this is just me being like ha ha I'm so sorry and being sarcastic. I am sorry." He pointed in the direction of the beach. "With all the s**t we have to fight out there, do you really think I wanted to surround myself with enemies? When I'm already one of the ******** weakest suns in the division."
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