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 Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 2:27 am
Username:Captain Shinzo
Prisoner Number: #8481
Character Name: Shinzo Hensen
Alias: Sparrow
Gender: Male
Date of Birth: 9 / 16 / 2005
Charges: Contract Killing
Death Row status: Charged 25-32 years but changed to Death Row
Cell mate: Zero Mitaki
Branch Of Sin: ~Slick Needle~
Shinzo has the ability to spike out his blood from basic to complex ways.
Cell Spike: Shinzo can extend large spikes from his body to be used as close/mid-ranged attacks. Shinzo's spikes are retractable but require the need to draw blood in order to form this move. Spikes can protrude from the torso and limbs. However, spikes can only come from the torso if there is a wound and the spike can only come from that wound. Spikes can come from the limbs if a wound was created. If there is a current wound on the limb, spikes have the ability to be made. Wounds that create Spiked Armor do not count.
Spiked Armor: This move requires the use of drawn blood. When Shinzo makes a wound, the blood spreads and hardens around the wide surface. This makes a cheap, light armor covering to block basic attacks and simple, sharp weapons. Across the armored area extend multiple spikes. The spike sizes are two inches in length from the body. Bloody armor can come from the torso or limbs but it must come from a wound first on the torso/limb first. The wound can not be in use of a spike. Spikes can be made from the armor if there is a second wound on the body part not being used.
Physical traits: Shinzo has a thin, light scar crossing vertically on his right eye. Shinzo's eyelids are usually droopy and makes a pair with his shadowy, baggy eyes and heavy dark rings. His teeth are average and would be better if he didn't smoke. He has yellow eyes and dark brown hair. His facial expression is normally apathetic with no emotion, contradicting his personality.
Personality: Shinzo always sounds and looks tired or sickly. However, he is always a happy-go-lucky person with a careless attitude. He's never known extreme fear besides his slight phobias of height. Shinzo's movement is normally sluggish and slow while his ability to spot something or hear something is very keen. On the battlefield, he is more quick to his movement and tactical, yet his expression still doesn't change.
The only real large facial expressional change from his face is a light smile, a confused look, or a disappointed/sad expression.
History: Shinzo had slightly an average life until the age of seven. He lived in an upper-middle class family. When Shinzo was seven, he became a victim of his father's job. Shinzo's father worked for a crime boss; he did basic jobs of being the bodyguard of drug running, performing small hits, small drug deliveries, and attending business meetings for input. One day, Shinzo's father screwed up a job and killed the wrong person. This upset his boss greatly, reversing the hit. While Shinzo was out at school, he came home to find his mother slaughtered and mutilated and both of his fellow younger siblings killed. He stared in horror for hours, sitting in his room, not daring to leave. He awaited two days in his room until he decided to leave the house after realizing his father wasn't coming home. He lived off the streets for some time, trying to live as a homeless orphan and gather scraps of food and clothing. At the age of 12, he was growing more ill after time. He needed medicine and better food, a place to sleep so he wouldn't stay up for days. However, how could he get a job to easily help nourish, cloth, and medicate him of his illness and sleeping disorder?
Like father like son, he went into the subways to talk with his father's boss. The boss, thinking it was just some homeless kid, gave him a basic drug delivery. However, sooner later, the boss found out, and threatened Shinzo with the lie of having his father kidnapped. After Shinzo was able to be treated of his illness enough to not be effected horribly, he followed the boss's instructions and went to do a hit. With a simple silenced pistol, Shinzo was able to kill a small Japanese government official in a hotel room. However, he was caught before he could leave the building. He later learned that the mob boss did not have his father. Infact, his father went missing the day Shinzo's family was murdered.
Appearance/Picture: 
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 2:29 am
I hope someone can give this a nice and thorough review and inform me of any possible changes needed. =3
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 6:16 pm
Captain_Shinzo I hope someone can give this a nice and thorough review and inform me of any possible changes needed. =3
I would recommend choosing between Needled Pooling and Spiked Armour as your secondary Branch ability.
Moving on to the history, maybe take out that he had an average life? It seems like the averageness died out at age seven...
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 6:25 pm
Oh, the range of Needled pool isn't an issue. There's simply a slight overabundance of things you can do with the Branch, and that's what needs to be cut down a little. As I said before, I would recommend choosing either Spiked Armour or Needled pool, and getting rid of the other. Thank you very much for being so cooperative, though.
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 6:26 pm
Oh, I'm sorry. I was trying to follow instructions from the last person to comment on here. Let me take a minute to read your review.
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 6:31 pm
Captain_Shinzo Oh, I'm sorry. I was trying to follow instructions from the last person to comment on here. Let me take a minute to read your review.
Oh, no worries at all. And I apologise for the unkind manner in which they responded to your character.
Thank you again for actively trying to improve your design and being so willing to accept criticism.
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 6:35 pm
Agreed. I figured there was an overpowering to begin with but I wanted to be positive to exactly what first. Different guilds have a different line to how powerful their members can be.
Actually, you are correct, I was trying to imply that the needles could be made without drawn blood. .u.
Although, I was trying to be as original as possible with this profile considering I'm sure that powers close to an already existing character is frowned upon. So, I will edit the profile to where blood must be drawn for the spikes to be made.
Also, I will remove the third ability and keep the spiked armor.
The story, I really hope I did not have a grammar mistake. I was trying to say that he had a normal life UNTIL age seven. I don't want to imply something psychotic has happened before then involving family since I'm sure that could tie and be important to the entire RP world in general. I will remove the little detail anyway.
I appreciate the time you took to read over it and to tell me in detail what needs to be changed. I hope the all over changes are fine. If not, please inform me and I will revise them post-haste. ^^
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 6:38 pm
BasiWolff Captain_Shinzo Oh, I'm sorry. I was trying to follow instructions from the last person to comment on here. Let me take a minute to read your review.
Oh, no worries at all. And I apologise for the unkind manner in which they responded to your character.
Thank you again for actively trying to improve your design and being so willing to accept criticism.
It is also not a problem to edit a profile, either. Perfection is matching your view to a standard view, so an overpowered profile must be changed of course. It's also your job to explain what needs to be changed, so I just thank you for responding quickly. I can't tell you how many times I've been in a guild and it's been a week before a nine step revision process was told to me making the change of the profile EXTREMELY difficult and unnecessary.
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 6:40 pm
All of that sounds great.
As for the story, then yes, you did have a little grammar issue there, but that's no big deal. I'm sorry I misunderstood.
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 6:57 pm
That was my bad about the story. XD
In total, I've made the small edit to history.
I've also removed the 3rd ability and made revisions to the first and second abilities.
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 6:12 am
Question: Did I forget to outright accept you? I might have implied it and forgotten to say it straight.
If so, you're accepted and Min will get you a cellmate when she returns to active duty.
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Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 7:19 pm
Ah, yes, I was given a technical acceptance but I figured it was already implied within another thread. I hope that's alright.
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