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 Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2012 2:03 pm
Name: Donovan Flynn
Nickname: Don, Flynn
Age: 24
Birthday: March 2nd
Sign: Pisces
Gemstone: Aquamarine
Blood Type: AB-
Fav. Food: Meat, Potatoes, & beer
Hated Food: Anything fancy and gross, like snails.
Job: Reporter for a Nature Magazine
Hobbies:
En Garde! – Yes, he’s quite aware that fencing is a dying art but anything that puts a sword in his hand is the hobby for Don! He grew up on swashbuckler movies and wanted to emulate them as a child. I guess he just never grew up past that, channeling his desire into a hobby. He enters tournaments occasionally and will attend classes as well. He’s an avid poster on fencing forums to help novices.
Mug of Ale – Like every good pirate Flynn likes to get drunk! He’s often to be found at watering holes around the city drinking a mug of beer and singing a jaunty tune when he gets a bit schnockered.
Reading –Few know it but Flynn is a big person for reading, too. He is often in foreign places on assignment so this is his main means of entertainment. Any high flying tale is good for him but pirates and swashbucklers are his favorite! For him it’s all about the suspense and the romance of the high seas. This puts him in many book stores for his own copy or in the library to borrow one. He’d also like to find a good book club for this sect of highly underrated literature.
Virtues:
That’s What Charlie Sheen Said – Flynn is hilarious! Or, he'd like to think so. He certainly tried hard and will use this to put anyone at ease through humor. Whether it’s trying to entertain a crowded bar that might otherwise be annoyed with his singing or being surrounded by his pals he will have everyone in stitches. It’s only a matter of time and, as a bonus, this gets him out of trouble quite often.
I’ll Save You! – Don has a very strong sense of justice and will not hesitate to step in when he sees something happening that shouldn’t. Be it kids bullying another child or a woman being harassed by some guy. It doesn’t even register to him – he’ll step in and offer his services to correct the problem, no questions asked.
Old World Charm – Flynn is certainly the type of guy to kiss hands and open doors. He was raised with impeccable manners and learned how to treat women from the old movies he used to watch with his grandpa. He believes every woman is a Queen and will ALWAYS treat them like ladies. As an added bonus this often makes him attractive to the ladies and rather charming which isn’t too bad, either.
Adventurous – Flynn is game for most new experiences and thrills. He’s been bungee jumping, sky diving, cliff diving, and has tread around active volcanoes in his lifetime. If you want him to try something the answer is almost always yes! If you need a hand to hold while you want to try something new he’s a good guy to go with and will encourage you every step of the way.
Flaws:
Bit of a Snob – Since Flynn grew up on all of the old movies and in the old ways he thinks anyone that doesn't follow those traditions is uncouth. He'll actually be offended if a woman gets upset with him for opening a door for her and he'll point out pretty loudly that someone should have said "pardon me" if they bump into him. Taking it to this degree borders on rude in itself so it often gets him into trouble. He's had more than one scuffle started this way.
Doesn’t Stop to Think – Sure, Don will step in to help a woman being harassed by a guy but he’ll also fail to notice that the guy is twice his size. In other words, he doesn’t stop to weigh the odds of any situation. He acts without thinking, responding to his sharp sense of right and wrong. This sometimes puts him on the wrong side but more often than not it just gets him hurt or embarrassed.
Eternal Child – In a lot of ways Flynn is still a big child trying to avoid growing up. The Peter Pan syndrome set in when he hit twenty one and hasn’t really gone away. He shows this in his inability to be serious and his inability to stay in any one place for too long lest he become attached to something or someone. It’s sort of like putting his fingers in his ears and singing “lalalala” while you try to explain to him why he should take responsibility for his life’s direction because truth is that he doesn’t have one.
Drifter – He just cannot stay in any on place or with any one person for a very long time. He’s simply incapable. Ties are for people who can afford to put down roots and can cope with the serious parts of life. Don isn’t one of those people. He doesn’t even have his own apartment or a steady job. He crashes on couches and takes off for parts unknown whenever he’s on assignment and doesn’t want to be stuck missing anyone or anything.
PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION
Eyes: Very dark green eyes, almost emerald in color. Shape is CC
Hair: Very clean cut dirty blond hair
Face: Refer to reference, please.
Clothes: He’s very much a slacks and polo kind of a guy. He’s also a bit of a rogue so if you want to put him in Jeans and a Tee Shirt you can, too. Just put him in a jacket if he wears jeans, please.
Reference 1
Knight Title: Vesuvius, Page of Pluto
Challenge: “You can always learn from your sins”
Uniform: See Reference. Past that – CC. Should be brown, black, and cream with embellishments of the red and gold from the swatch. Reference 2
*Totally CC. Take these as suggestions and make them work within the Mars theme if you can. Whatever you want, I'm ok with.
Top – cream colored shirt that comes to the elbows and billows.
Bottoms – Pants tucked into the boots
Gloves – Nope!
Belt – yes, please. Wideish leather belt
Shoes – Boots with folded over tops
Shoulders -- Nothing
Accessories – Rapier hung from the belt. Maybe leather bracers
Weapon –
Page - A plastic rapier like the kind you get from a carnival. Easily breakable and not capable of really doing anything.
Squire – A small slim blunted practice fencing rapier. See note at the bottom.(For anyone that’s seen fencing you know what I’m talking about.) Practice Rapier These rapiers are very flexible and have a capped tip so it is incapable of doing any sort of damage.
To activate his power the rapier must be drawn and must be brandished and pointed at the intended victim. The magic throws up a wall around them that only the victim can see. The wall surrounds the victim in completely darkness, isolating them from where they were. They cannot hear any sound from outside the wall and cannot see past it. Time feels differently, slower, in this void to further the isolated feeling. The time spent in the void feels double what it actually is but this only serves to further their isolation and will not affect them physically or once the wall is gone. No physical attacks can get through the wall but magic can so long as it's magic that the caster doesn't have to use physically (say a turbo charged hit or something). Being hit or hurt by any outside influence brings them immediately out of this power. He can channel this affect for up to 30 seconds. This effect, of course, is negated by Vesuvius being hurt or distracted himself.
Knight - An ornate rapier, still blunted and tipped. (hilt in this style, if you please: Rapier Hilt ) same circumstances apply.
This power can target one or two people. The rapier must be pointed at the victim or between them for the effect to work. The effect is exactly the same as the first but time slows even further to thrice the time spent inside. Again being hit or hurt by any outside influence brings them immediately out of this power. The effect lasts up to 60 seconds total for 1 target or up to 30 seconds total for 2. The effect still must be constantly channeled and can be negated by Vesuvius’ pain or distraction.
**A note about fencing rapiers - These are small, slim foils that are extremely flexible and are usually made of softer metals. They are slim conical shaped blades without an edge and a tip capped in a small metal ball. They cannot do damage of any kind. They have no edge to cut and no tip to pierce. It you got hit by one the blade is so soft it would give to the pressure of the blow and be mostly rendered useless. The blade for my progression will stay the same. Only the hilt will be more ornamental as it goes.
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Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 3:20 pm
ON THE CIVILIAN SIDE ---
The civilian side nearly meets all the general checklists and rules laid out for stamping, save for a few things I will address below. However, since you also asked for crit to better the profile for both stamping and contests, there will be additional comments as well.
The character reads much like the familiar stock character of a pirate or charming swashbuckler. The virtues and flaws could be punched up a bit by throwing some wrenches into this perception of him or add extra flavor to the character. This way he will stand out more in concept contests - he may read as an interesting character who we would be excited to see interact rather than presume he would act much how we presume a pirate or swashbuckler stock character would act.
Providing some sense of feeling or motivation for your character's virtues and flaws would be one way to liven up the character. There doesn't need to be a full history, but a sentence or two why he is always out to amuse, protect, charm or explore would make Flynn feel more dimensional than the vibe that he has these virtues because those are the virtues of that stock character.
"Always 'On'" and "Eternal Child" read as mostly the same flaw and could be combined with a new flaw to take its place to better round out the character.
ON THE KNIGHT SIDE ---
His uniform does not represent a Mars Knight. The design themes for a Mars Knight are "Rome and Sparta" which is not represented in your design reference. An artist may be able to work with it, but it should be expected that there will be a fair amount of alteration.
The abilities do not read as Knight abilities in current form. The abilities mention that they can be used no more than twice in any battle - these sorts of limitations are for Senshi abilities - Knights are able to channel their ability until they have no more magic left to channel (i.e, 60 seconds of magic).
Moreover, the abilities toe the line into godmodding territory. They force the targeted character to focus on their past sins or have memories of past wrong-doings - these sorts of effects are too specific to force the character to reflect upon. Forcing a character to feel bad about things they've done, even temporarily, isn't a fun thing for everyone to play against! A general feeling of guilt would be more acceptable, but that can be toyed with to be made more interesting.
However, if you really want the swashbuckler look, you might have a better shot with Venus - some design themes have similarities to the second reference image you provided - with its themes of beauty, passion, or love.
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Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 9:23 am
Hi Spy, I fixed the flaws. I took out Always on and replaced it with Bit of a Snob and I fixed the Knight powers to something that should be fine. Thanks! ~Lauren
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Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 9:52 am
ZaiaFantasy Hi Spy, As a side note I'd watch how you say things when you leave crits. I was actually insulted by what you said. I took a lot of time creating Donovan and it shows in the fact that aside from one thing you couldn't find fault with his civ side. I imagined him as a nice campy cross between Errol Flynn and Bruce Campbell. And considering there are no other characters with this concept in Moon Shop I hardly think he's generic and that -some- people will be excited to see how he fits into the world. If this wasn't your intention to imply I'd just try to watch how things are said. ^_^ That being said I fixed the flaws. I took out Always on and replaced it with Bit of a Snob and I fixed the Knight powers to something that should be fine. Thanks! ~Lauren The guidelines of what makes a quest ready for stamp and a strong quest for competing in contests with are different. Offering a stamp means the quest meets the most basic RP standards of the shop. However, when one asks for crit, they are asking for constructive criticism to help strengthen the profile. I certainly didn't mean to offend or doubt the work you put into it, I was only offering the help that was requested of me. I will now look at this quest only for stamp, not for crit. --- ON THE CIVILIAN SIDE No further notes here! --- ON THE POWERED SIDE Almost ready! The Squire ability needs the duration for how long Vesuvius can channel the magic for.
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Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 9:58 am
Silent Spy The guidelines of what makes a quest ready for stamp and a strong quest for competing in contests with are different. Offering a stamp means the quest meets the most basic RP standards of the shop. However, when one asks for crit, they are asking for constructive criticism to help strengthen the profile. I certainly didn't mean to offend or doubt the work you put into it, I was only offering the help that was requested of me. I will now look at this quest only for stamp, not for crit. --- ON THE CIVILIAN SIDE No further notes here! --- ON THE POWERED SIDE Almost ready! The Squire ability needs the duration for how long Vesuvius can channel the magic for. I know you were trying to help and I appreciate it. As I said in my PM you were a doll helping me with my senshi quest so I was surprised and didn't think you meant anything maliciously. And my bad! I thought I added that it lasted up to 30 seconds. I fixed it!
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Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 10:04 am
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Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 1:47 pm
In the future, please forward any complaints you have about staff to the mule, rather than their personal accounts. The GMs are monitoring each critique given by the moderators, and will speak to them if we believe they've crossed any lines.
While I find Spy's critique of his personality accurate, we will focus on what it takes to get a stamp, and that means addressing his powers.
As it stands, they are too subjective. You detail that it will show a replay of their past "sins". What qualifies as a sin? What behaviors will show on said wall? In later stages of the attack, it apparently makes the victim feels guilt for these sins. What if the actions on the "Screen" aren't anything they regret/feel bad about?
You'll need to detail what, exactly, is considered a 'sin' for the purposes of his attack.
Keep in mind this section of the stamping guide:
Quote: Spells that force character development or are overly specifically controlling. Iliciting a general emotional or physical response that is up to player interpretation is just fine. However, an attack should not impose particular thoughts or behaviors onto a target: this is somewhat godmoding and not very fun to write against. A senshi of Remorse can make a target feel deep remorse, but she cannot make a Negaverser specifically feel deep remorse for joining the Negaverse and their actions as members of the organization.
As it stands, the attack reads a little too much like that for me to be comfortable to stamp it.
Feel free to quote me in your response!
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Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 1:58 pm
Hi Indu, I PMed Spy with how I felt about the critique because it was just that - how I felt - and cannot be judged by the staff. You guys can't tell him how I feel or talk to him about it. Only I can do that and so I did. It wasn't enough to PM the mule about when he and I were capable of working things out on our own which we did. As far as his powers go what would you suggest? I'm not sure how to adjust it to make it better. His goal is to make the subject feel remorse for the bad things they've done and I left that specifically open to the player so that they can pick and choose whatever it is they think qualifies. As I'm not the player I can't pinpoint what the character would feel badly about so I didn't try.
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Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 2:19 pm
If that is the case, then I would change the language to reflect that what they are seeing is subjective to what they feel were mistakes/sins in their past, or things they feel guilty about, rather than an overall "past sins" qualification.
An example:
It is unclear in the current language if an officer, let's say General Painite, would see the murder of a page on the 'past sins' screen, even if she didn't consider it a bad thing to do, or didn't feel bad or guilty about doing it. Basically, are the things shown OBJECTIVELY bad [like murder], or are they things that the character in questions feels are bad [like failing a mission]? If someone felt worse about stealing his roommate's boyfriend than he did for killing a nega, would the boyfriend stealing be the thing that replayed on the screen?
Also, I have been notified that the planet for this knight changed between the trial stamp and my review, so I will defer to Spy's follow up critique, as I was unaware.
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Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 5:20 pm
Hey, I'm just coming back in since when I had given the trial stamp, I believe that this quest was listed as a Mars Knight. As the planet is now Pluto, there are several changes that would need to be made. These power themes for Pluto weapons are TIME, SOLITUDE, and PATIENCE! As such, the theme of guilt that is in the current set of powers is not fitting with this theme. Please come up with new powers that relate to this theme! Also the swashbuckler look that is referenced in the uniform does not really fit with Pluto's design theme as well - there isn't anything steampunk about the reference images. Although a steampunk pirate (as you mention) can work, this should be more than just an asterisked footnote - it would be the theme of the whole look, not primarily "swashbuckler." The weapon, as well, will need to have a steampunk look. You also mention "brown, black and cream" as colors but the color choices for Pluto Knights should come from the following color swatch. I'd be happy to continue reviewing this quest, so please quote me when you have made your changes or if you have any questions!
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Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 6:04 pm
Whoa, wait, I'm confused. I thought you said he wouldn't work as a mars knight?
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Posted: Wed Sep 26, 2012 8:13 pm
I said that the outfit design did not fit with the Mars Knight design theme, but the abilities did fit with the power theme.
As a Pluto Knight, the same concepts do not fit the theme for that planet's design or powers.
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Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2012 1:24 pm
Silent Spy I said that the outfit design did not fit with the Mars Knight design theme, but the abilities did fit with the power theme. As a Pluto Knight, the same concepts do not fit the theme for that planet's design or powers. Ok. I misunderstood. I'll change it back
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Posted: Sun Sep 30, 2012 11:38 am
Ok. I think I fixed the language on the powers to reflect the subjectivity of it.
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Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2012 12:54 pm
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Reply
