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 Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 8:24 am
Leaving the bunker behind, Rep headed to the nearest spot he could think of where he could be relatively alone. The beach was long enough that it was easy to reel out some distance between himself and the occasional hunter down catching some of the exceedingly rare sun the fog clearing had invited in. And even that far along he walked on a bit further, he walked because it felt easy to do so, his muscles ached from over exerting himself but the pain somehow reassuring. Once again he'd managed to ******** up, first it had been with the table with Ofie, but at least that had an excuse, people were more forgiving about the cramped conditions. Jerry though he just couldn't handle, he was nothing compared to the other sun, lower in rank, weaker in power - and as he'd found that day - in possession of less self control.
The searing heat of the day got to him fairly quickly and feeling oddly dizzy, he decided to stop. He hadn't gone too far from base, but it was far enough he could hear nothing other than the sounds of nature. One of the palm trees along the beach had snapped and fallen onto the sand at an angle, he sat on the shaded part of it with a sigh, looking out at the indifferently sparkling ocean. The anger from before felt distant now, like someone else entirely, a guy he didn't know, like one of the guys who came to visit his mother. His throat felt dry and ticklish from all the yelling, and the guilt was like a ball of lead in his gut.
He hadn't been able to go back to the room. He still wasn't able to fully be himself around them he realised. He was fundamentally not a nice person, and he supposed that he wasn't okay with letting them know that. He wasn't ready to face them with all the hang ups he possessed on show. He censored himself for the sake of getting to keep them, terrified of losing the relationship. William Reid lite. Always keeping all those awkward emotions tucked away from Harrison, keeping the darker parts of himself away from Jordan. Always scared of being the disappointment, the failure, of being the weak link. The extra guy.
That feeling of frustration from earlier was the main feeling that hadn't subsided after it all, that feeling he was on an endless treadmill he couldn't keep up with. A sun who couldn't fight, a sun who couldn't make promotion. Fodder and little else, kept around because he was on the border edge of usefulness. He fully expected to be front lined in a conflict and killed off in a way that was useful to the organisation. And he was somehow okay with this, at least he'd go out doing what he'd tried and failed to do, a workhorse dying in the traces. He didn't intend to make it easy though, they might never appreciate it but he intended to give it all he had, he wasn't dead yet. As long as he could still carry Tracey, he would fight, he would fight for the ******** division that didn't care about him.
And he would keep fighting until he proved himself or died trying.
But fighting wars was less scary than facing his friends. He could take on the world for sun, but he couldn't go back to that room.
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Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 9:44 am
Harrison went to the underground first. Most everybody had moved out by now, clearing the bunker for the next disaster.
With the beautiful weather and the facilities up and running, he wasn't even sure why Jerry and Rep had been down here in the first place. After he'd gotten his shower stuff and...other stuff, he'd walked out of there with the determination never to set foot in that room again.
But here he was, looking for Rep.
Nobody would be sleeping in there, he told himself. They would have found other rooms upstairs. Still, he couldn't help the familiar creeping feeling of dread as he turned the corner.
What he didn't expect to see was a near-empty room. Bunks lay on the floor in wrecked piles, like a bunk graveyard, but the space was clear and looked... It just looked like a room with a bunch of junk in it. Something like cheerfulness overtook him, as warm as the sunshine.
"Rep?" he tried.
No luck.
He folded his arms and leaned against the doorway a while, grinning like an idiot. Those bunks deserved what they got. No more days and nights of watching the rows. No more dreams of corpses splitting open, to be full of squirming horrors, and then standing...only to wake up to those same cramped beds, a sea of the dead in an ocean of sand...
He sniffed, and then spat onto one of the splintery piles.
"You can go straight to hell," he told it merrily, then went to broaden his search.
The meditation room, cafeteria, and hallways were clear. He climbed the steps, out into the main facility and wandered for a while, not sure exactly where he was going but with a vague determination that he would stumble into Rep along the way. He was eventually rewarded with a big, sulky pair of dragging footsteps and followed them across the sand until they hit the beach.
Harrison didn't know how long of a walk Rep had gone for. Or if he was following somebody else's trail. But he was in a good mood. It was nice out. A little walking around wouldn't hurt anybody, least of all him. He unstrapped his shoes and dropped them close to a wooden walkway, then followed the trail, wandering down to the water's edge every now and again to cool his feet off.
Eventually, he found the plaster-ridden hunter he was looking for, sulking in the shade and staring out into the waves.
He didn't say anything at first, just sat down and looked out with him.
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Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 9:51 am
It took Rep a while to even register that he wasn't alone. When he was so far into his thoughts and problems, he tended to draw back a little from reality, forget what was around him. It was only a slow and niggly persistence of his peripheral vision that brought him back to awareness of his surroundings.
He blinked as he noticed Harrison, hardly believing his eyes at first but then as he stared, the other man persisted. Not some illusion then. There was a fleeting irrational instinct to escape, but one that came much too late, it'd be absurd running away now, when he could have been there for a while.
He broke the quiet with a snort. "Since when have you been a ******** ninja?" Clearly he hadn't been zoned out, Harrison just sneaked up on him. Yeah, that sounded more acceptable.
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Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 9:56 am
"Ace detective," Harrison corrected. "Divining your location and all."
He didn't seem like he was in any real hurry.
"Hey, you didn't put your mouth on that flute, did you?"
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Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 9:59 am
Rep was admittedly rather baffled how Harrison had found him. Sand wasn't terrain he was used to fleeing across in a pursuit, it slipped his mind that there was such thing as footprints.
His thoughts derailed by the question, he blinked. The flute had almost been forgotten for a time. "Eh. No?"
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Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 10:07 am
"Good," Harrison said, leaning over to catch him up in sincere and cheerful kiss. "That was stupid," he said, and kissed him again, "you're never gonna get a paycheck." Another enthusiastic kiss. His hands got snared in Rep's shirt fabric, "You completely demolished those ******** bunks."
Harrison was looking at him in a way that he hadn't since he was drugged up on Julie's cookies.
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Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 10:18 am
The first kiss got a surprised look. A look that got more and more dazed as they continued. This wasn't how reprimands were meant to go, he was pretty sure. Otherwise he'd be ******** up a lot more in future. At the mention of the bunks there was a slow, dazed recollection of how much Harrison had resented them. "It was stupid." he agreed. "Really ******** stupid. But so am I? I guess, so it probably works out somewhere.." He added a lazy affectionate kiss of his own, his voice low and almost relieved. "Yeh'r welcome."
At least some good had come of his ridiculous temper tantrum.
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Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 10:53 am
"Jerry came by and showed us that notebook," Harrison snickered, "he was all in a tizzy that you'd called him names. ********, I mean, yeah it was really stupid, and if it's your a** on the line again like I said they can have my paycheck," Harrison leaned into him, unable to help the rushes of adoration even with Rep radiating gloomy, "But I'd have paid them an advance to see that s**t reduced to firewood."
He kissed him a final time.
"You worried about it, is that why I had to track you down?"
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Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 11:06 am
The knot of worry had turned into a knot of another unnameable emotion. He slunk his arms around Harrison in a grateful hug, not really realising how much he'd needed the reassurance till he had it, nervous and scared enough that he didn't care for once about coming across too sappy.
"Honestly? Aye. I'm worried."
I have so much more to lose.
He loosened the hug enough to give Harrison a lazy smirk, a hollow confidence he didn't feel, everything below the surface a tangle of fear, of uncertainty. But the old worry was there. Don't make it weird.
"They are always so ******** serious. I'm thinking that was strike three for me maybe. I dunno." The idea they'd seen the notebook didn't help with the feelings, the things Jerry could have written down, the words shaken loose from their places by anger. "And Jerry, I dunno what the ******** he's so upset about. He's indispensable. Nothing I could do could scratch him."
There was a shakiness to his voice as he stated. "He stood there. Just stood there. And I couldn't scratch him."
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Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 11:42 am
"The whole facility's wrecked anyhow," Harrison said, resting an arm around his waist, "between the phoenix and the clean up attempts, and nobody's gotten the axe over that. Allan must have gone through every wall and staircase we got. And you been working extra hard. Been on almost every clearing mission. Rescued my a** on the Moon Course. Got rid of all the monsters in the Shadow Run. Finished off a fair number of those damn birds, even. No way they're not going to know you're pulling your weight."
Harrison quieted as Rep voiced his insecurities.
"... He looked scratched up to me. I thought he was making all that stuff up. About you thinking he was better than you."
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Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 11:58 am
"There maybe but not doing a whole lot of anything. Mostly sitting eating ******** pop tarts." he shrugged but still tried to keep his tone cheerful, silly facts, not something that was eating at him all the time. Nope. "And likewise, Allan's useful, his usefulness outweighs his price tag. I don't."
He sighed at Harrison shallowly. "He looked scratched up to you because he didn't fight back. He really didn't ******** fight back. I blew two charges and everything I had, and he just sidestepped me like I wasn't there. He is better than me." he wanted to add that wasn't particularly hard lately, but he wasn't some whiny ******** woman, he had to watch it, bitching was just embarrassing to listen to.
"He wouldn't even summon Roar. He said I wasn't even good enough to fight Roar."
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Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 12:54 pm
"The hell you did. You went until your shield gave out. Gave off every charge Tracey had in him. And you and Jordan working together..."
Harrison regained that sort of distant expression, until he heard the not good enough comment.
He made a dismissive noise "...He just didn't want his paycheck docked again. I mean, Jerry's a badass and everything. So are you. He's just been here longer."
Harrison snuck a hand over, interlocking loose fingers with Rep's.
"Don't get what you're jealous of him for, anyway."
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Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 1:18 pm
He really did want to believe Harrison. But there was always that inner doubt. He'd given all he had sure, but compared to the others, it had been hardly a scratch. The inner doubts grew even more vocal at the badass comment. It certainly wasn't the word he'd ever have used to describe Jerry. If he was a badass in the Jerry sense of the word, maybe it was in the same way Killer was badass. A matter of skewed perceptions and endearing personal bias.
He gently closed his hand on Harrison's, the subtle gestures meaning a surprising amount in his current state of mind. He appreciated the attempt, he appreciated him.
"There are a lot of reasons man. He's one of the people I've been compared to a lot since I got here. Back home he'd have been nothing but a downtrodden nerd. Here it's not the same. And I keep getting put on the same ******** tier as him. It's an insult. I even though Rin had taste with me I guess. Then she kissed him."
He couldn't help but think back to the man party, the jealousy and uncertainty he'd felt there too. An afterthought to Jerry.
"Its stupid right." he shrugged, not expecting Harrison to really understand so trying to shrug the issue off. "I guess what it boils down to is I'd just like to be someone's first choice for once in my ******** life. And its never going to happen when I'm just not good enough."
He was acutely self concious he was complaining way too much and tried to wriggle out of the subject somewhat, or at least give an out. "But yeah, I'm just being a really whiny b***h lately. Its not a big deal really, I'm sure its just like, a phase, like the insanity."
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Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 1:52 pm
"Alright, so you're telling me that chick from my division, that was Rin?" Harrison repeated. "I thought she was your pal, not your ex. s**t, I feel stupid." And he'd spent all that time being nice to her even when she was asking personal questions.
He snorted, "And she kissed Jerry, figures. Pretty sure it's the glasses." But he could read between the lines on that one. Rin hadn't been the only person to kiss Jerry.
Never going to happen.
"Hey, look man, as far as that goes- I mean, I never wanted anything to do with Jerry. That was for your benefit, not his. Sorta like. Seeing if it got a rise out of you." And maybe a little revenge on Jordan's behalf. "Which it did. I never would have gone back to Jerry's room. But- I wanted to go back to yours since the first time we fought together. Me and Jordan hadn't even hooked up then. You did have the first shot," he grinned, "you just didn't have the heart to take advantage of me while I was drunk."
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Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 3:45 pm
He nodded."I guess? She was more like a friend with benefits, pushy ******** benefits, than anything steady. Not so much an ex as like, someone who I ******** a couple times I guess. It helped make me feel better and I guess she didn't feel so lonely." he frowned grimly, it was complicated, and laying it out like that felt somehow like not giving Rin enough credit, it would do though. "But yeah, clearly her tastes run to, like you say, glasses, because otherwise I don't know, I just don't know."
What Harrison had to say next though was enormously unexpected for him. He'd spent so long replaying that night over and over in his head, so certain he had the motivations behind events down to perfection. But he'd gotten it all wrong. He wasn't sure why he'd been so certain he'd been the second choice, that he was just a drunk, stupid and entertaining mark to string along. He'd taken the Jerry kiss as a slight and an insult, when really it was planned, it was for him. For some reason the idea of Jerry being mocked for his benefit made that knot in his stomach all the tighter. If there was something he understood and appreciated, it was playful cruelty.
He was at a loss for words for what was probably the first time that day as he processed it all, an apologetic and relieved grin sneaking onto his features. "I.. ********. Then I really had that s**t wrong. I thought like.. I dunno, like you and Jordan were together then and I was being stupid and sort of played? Or like..Jerry was the one you were after." It sounded stupid when he said it out loud but in his head it had made sense, it had made so much sense the doubts had followed him non-stop.
He laughed, this time genuinely, at his own stupidity. Like there was a weight off his shoulders he'd hardly noticed was there. "I just.. I ******** worry way too much man. All I've done is ******** worry."
He squeezed Harrison's hand again without realising he was doing it. "******** sappy as s**t right, but I'm really ******** scared of losing all this."
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