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 Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 11:05 am
Candace felt better, like the week before had never happened. She did feel bad about being part of that group on the roof, even if it hadn't been her intention to be a nosy spy, but Jordan and Harrison and even Rep had fled somewhere. She couldn't blame them. It had taken leaving the island entirely for her to feel okay enough to be in public, even Jerry's company.
...Where was Jerry? She hadn't seen him since yesterday.
Weird.
He was fine, probably. Maybe he went to find Sasha or something, or to help clear out the dorms some more. Or maybe he was looking for his phone! Either way, how much trouble could he get into with no one attacking them? He'd be fine. He was an adult. He could take care of himself. He didn't need her protecting him.
Candace had a capture to plan. But she needed to know more. The school layout, the layout of the town. Where things were, more authentic 'slang'. She needed to know as much as she could to get around that place undetected. Some of the students had been...wary. She couldn't blame them but it was still a problem. Candace was sitting quietly with a stack of books, a couple rolled up maps at her side. She had been browsing through files on the computer before but she eventually got sick of staring at the screen. Candace had always preferred books anyway. Books, a quiet space off to the side, and her iPod. That's all she needed.
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Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 11:36 am
The labs were spotless. Sasha had been very thorough in her cleaning of the labs. When she wasn't cleaning, she was looking after minipets, and when she wasn't looking after minipets she was tending to the other duties she'd been given. All in all, Sasha was thriving; a little self-confidence could go a long way, and it seemed that learning that she was born into a family line of hunters had a way of boosting her self-esteem. It was tragic and empowering at the same time, if such a thing could really happen.
Not only that, but having a set of tasks that were hers and hers alone had lit a spark down in her chest that gave Sasha a self-assurance she hadn't had since waking up on the island. It wasn't that she craved validation - it was nice to be appreciated, but a Sasha with a purpose was a happy, content Sasha.
She didn't walk around like a cocky little bunt, but the way she carried herself made it obvious that Sasha was feeling really good about being Sasha.
Having secured a little downtime for herself - she hadn't seen Jerry in a while, but he was probably busy as well - Sasha made her way back into the labs to do some reading on runic technology. The young woman halted when she caught sight of Candace. Their last meeting had ended on a sour note, and for that Sasha felt terrible, but...
Clearing her throat softly, Sasha sidled up to one of the computers. After a few very sedate, orchestrated taps on the mouse, Sasha pressed her lips together and just kind of.. stared at Candace.
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Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 11:50 am
Candace's music prevented her from hearing Sasha's arrival. She didn't notice anyone beside her, and she was so concentrated on her book that she didn't catch the sight of a chair moving or someone sitting down beside her in her peripheral. It wasn't anything personal. Candace had a zone. The Study Zone. You don't talk to Candace when she's in The Study Zone.
You also don't stare.
Because you can feel s**t like that.
It took a minute or so for Candace to feel it, that paranoid sensation that she was being watched. It wasn't uncommon here on Deus what with all the security cameras and hunters who used other hunters as entertainment, but this was a different kind of being watched. This was someone looking directly at her oh god why she can feel their eyes she can feel them go away oh god what is even happening what the ******** suddenly looked up, eyes wide and a little startled to find someone sitting right beside her. Holy s**t. When did Sasha get here?! She quickly pulled her headphones away from her ears, pausing the music playing on her iPod. "Sasha! Hi! I, uh, didn't see you...er...how long have.." Candace blinked. "I'm sorry. You surprised me. What's up?" Had Sasha been staring at her this entire time?
Atropos groaned. Is this going to be a repeat of last time? Candace pouted a little. No. It's not. I refuse. Atropos sighed and Candace ignored her, smiling again as she marked the page in her book and closed it. There, now Sasha had her undivided attention.
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Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 12:09 pm
"I didn't want to bother you," Sasha said simply, one dark brow arcing up."I um. Well."
She cleared her throat and turned back to the monitor, tapping out a few letters on the keyboard before fiddling with the mouse again. Nona was encouraging, softly pressing her bonded to just... get on with it.
"I um. I feel like I owe you an apology. Uh. For the uh. The last time I saw you. And like, this has nothing to do with anything except you and me."
Sasha glanced over at Candace, pursed her lips, and lifted her chin.
"And I was mean, like. In the bunkers. There's just been.. so much going on and like. Until recently I didn't have anyone to talk to. Like, except Jerry, but he's.. well." Sasha shrugged.
"Anyway, I'm just... I apologize."
<Go on.>
I am.
Sasha gave a small, humorless laugh. "This is silly."
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Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 12:34 pm
Candace watched as Sasha got all awkward again. Nervous, shy, avoiding looking at her to instead mess with the computer. She frowned. What now? Was she going to say she and Jerry were getting married now or something? She could easily make a joke on how she was married to Jerry..because penguin marriage was totally legit. That would lighten the mood, right? It'd make Sasha stop being so awkward?
Another apology...o..kaaaay..why now? Candace's brow furrowed, her lips pursed as she watched the girl. Ah, so she was apologizing for being mean. Well then. Candace's expression relaxed and she chuckled, lifting a hand to push her bangs away from her face and comb her fingers through her hair. "You could've talked to me, Rose bud. I'd have listened...seems like I've been doing that for just about everyone, lately." Not that she was complaining but it had been nice to finally have had someone listen to her. But she was better now. She was okay. She was letting go.
"You don't have to apologize, sweetheart. It's okay." Candace's voice was gentle as she said this, waving a hand dismissively as she set her headphones down on the table. "I'm over it. Really. It's been a long couple months, everyone's still on edge. It'll be nice when things are back to normal again..eh?" Why was she laughing? "What's silly?"
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Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 12:47 pm
Sasha rubbed a finger alongside her nose, brow wrinkled.
"Maybe I'm..." Stuttering, stammering, too meek, mild-mannered? "...ahh, gosh dang it, Candace, like." Sasha clamped her lips closed, falling silent for a long moment. When she spoke, Sasha's gaze was troubled.
"I'm just.. I get so discouraged when like.. people don't.. ugh, okay, look. I'm an adult. I'm.. I'm twenty-one years old. I'm a trainee. I want to be .. capable and I want to.. I want to be thought of as a capable woman."
Her nose wrinkled.
"You know? I mean.. you probably don't. I bet when you woke up you came out like ... ready to fight. Ready to go. I didn't, and it's .. I feel like I've had to really prove myself - like I still do."
Sasha cleared her throat.
"Does that make sense?"
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Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 1:08 pm
Sasha? Discouraged? But why? Candace frowned as she watched and listened to the girl, raising a brow as she spoke of her concerns. Who didn't think she was capable? Had someone told her that? She didn't understand what Sasha's problem was yet, it wasn't something that had ever bothered her. No one called Candace 'cute'. She'd stopped being 'cute' after she turned thirteen.
"I don't think...I quite came out of my pod ready to fight. I was confused? I think. It's been over a year now so my memory of it is a bit fuzzy...I do remember Caelius telling me I was inadequate though." Candace scowled as she recalled that memory. Inadequate her a**. She was perfectly capable. She had the approval of two leaders, she could survive difficult situations, she was able to handle herself as a leader herself, and she was strong. She was not inadequate. She never had been.
Candace wasn't their weakest link. ******** that.
But did what Sasha was saying make sense? Ehn...kind of..? She had a feeling she wasn't quite seeing what Sasha's problem was. "None of us come out the perfect hunter, rose bud. We're all trainees to show our potential, and what we're capable of. I've always believed if they didn't see something in us they wouldn't keep us. But Sasha...who isn't looking at you like an adult? Like you're not capable? You're a strong young woman. Who could make you think otherwise?"
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Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 2:03 pm
<Good girl, Sasha.> Nona was patiently mocking her bonded, a gentle means of awkward support that had Sasha scowling.
Sasha shoved her chair back from the desk with a soft sigh.
"Candace." She rose from the seat and smoothed her dress down over her legs. "I admire you, you know? Like.. from the moment I first ... I first met you, I was like, 'Gosh, that lady. That lady right there, okay, that's who I want to be like.' -- and I still do. But um. Sometimes, when you talk to me? I don't feel like.. you see me as equal. I feel like.. I don't know. A kid. Like I'm nine. And it's probably like.. all me. Like it's in my head, you know?"
Sasha moved and sat down closer to Candace.
"I just.. sometimes I get like.. really frickin' embarassed over how I act. Like, seriously ashamed. When I was in the bunkers, with you, and then.. in the doctor's office, when I took that picture and I went through all his stuff. And it's times like that, well. I probably totally deserve being treated like a kid. Like a baby."
She started fussing with the hem of her skirt.
"I just hope that.. you know, you do respect me. As an equal. As a woman, you know? It's.. something that's been bothering me."
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Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 2:39 pm
Sasha scowled, sighed and stood. Aw, s**t. She'd messed up. What had she done this time? Candace was rubbing her face when Sasha said her name, waiting for the temper tantrum at first. It never came. Instead she was told Sasha admired her, that she wanted to be her. Candace blinked a few times, looking very surprised to hear that. Sasha wanted to be like her? Even now? But why? She wasn't that great...even if Gale said she wasn't 'not special' she wasn't...anything to look up to. Was she? Candace's lips were pursed, looking seriously thoughtful while she listened to Sasha's complaints. Well, it was true. She didn't..exactly see her as an equal, especially at first. Sasha had been a threat. She'd been someone who would no doubt catch Jerry's eye, and she had. She was perfect for him...she should be happy. Right. Be happy for them. You can do it. But she was so sweet, so young, so innocent. For some reason Candace just..naturally wanted to protect that. She did it with Molly, who didn't seem to mind it, and she even did it with Gale who didn't seem entirely opposed to it either...right?
Ugh now she was worried he didn't like her treating him as the little brother she'd never had.
"..I'm sorry." Candace finally said, frowning. "It wasn't my intention to make you feel that way, rose b--Sasha. It just..it's...just something I do, I guess. I've grown to really love affection, and I don't have much of a personal space bubble. I do it with Molly, I do it with Cass, with Gale...hell I do it with H sometimes. There's nothing wrong with being cute, Sasha. I already told you I believe you're a capable young woman. I do respect you." Candace gave a sigh and made like she was about to ruffle her own hair but stopped, remembering the last time she had started doing that. Her hair had taken forever to fix. Damnit. "If it was bothering you, you should've told me sooner~. You're a very sweet girl, Sasha. I don't want to dislike you, and I don't want you to dislike me."
There was a pause. She reached out to hug Sasha, bringing her arms back at the last second as she thought better of it. Would Sasha take that as her treating her like a kid again? Ugh. "What exactly do I do that upsets you? All you have to do is tell me and I'll do my best to stop. Really. I won't get mad or anything..." She was being honest this time, unlike the last time they had been together and she'd forced herself to act happy.
Candace suddenly pouted. She looked very serious. "..Okay I might get sad if you say I can't hug you, because I like hugs, damnit."
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Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 3:06 pm
"When you talk to me like.. like I can't handle the truth. I can. I might not like the truth but.. I can handle it. I can deal with it. I mean, I've led a really sheltered life, I understand that. I haven't experienced like.. fast cars or um.. concerts or dancing or even school in the ways that other people have. I didn't have like.. any friends growing up." < You are a very sweet girl, my dove.> Nona, I swear to frickin' God.Sasha slumped. "It's like that. I'm not a girl. I'm a woman. Just like you. That makes me feel like you don't see me as a peer. A professional peer. You.. you outrank me, right, but. As people? We're equals. You're only a few years older than I am, Candace. Like... I want to be able to think that if you had.. something - anything - to say to me, you'd.. you'd be able to say it. And I could handle it." Sasha lifted her eyebrows. "Because... I'm an adult." Sasha pursed her lips. "And.. I think there's a time and a place for hugs, you know?"
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Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 4:25 pm
Could she really handle the truth all the time? Candace scratched at her cheek, lips pouted and brow furrowed. What times had Candace avoided the truth with Sasha other than last time they were together? That time had been for her own sanity.
Candace opened her mouth to protest at first, snapping closed when Sasha continued on. No. Let her speak. But there were things she wanted to say. She said Sasha was a woman. Did she not..sigh. Candace smiled. "The time is all the time and the place is everywhere~." She teased at first, pouting again as she tugged at her own hair.
"I know you're an adult. It's just very easy to want to coddle and protect you." She pursed her lips. "I'm sorry. I'll take your feelings into consideration, I promise. Can I still call you rose bud and songbird? I'd prefer thinking of you as my friend, really. Peer sounds so..clinical, you know? Does that make sense?"
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Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 10:37 pm
"You are my friend, Candace," Sasha desperately wanted the other woman to understand that. Desperately. "And, I mean. If you want to have nicknames or .. or whatever, that's fine, I just. I'm trying to be serious here. And what you're saying makes perfect sense, I just want to.. be on the level. Does that make sense?"
Sasha hoped so.
"And there's.. nothing wrong with everyone else being cute. I just ... I don't want to be cute. I want to be... not-cute. I want to be Sasha, the life division trainee who works hard and does her best when she's at work - and the Sasha who knows how to have fun when the time is right. Not like. Party fun... but."
She shook her head.
"Normal. And it might be impossible, but that's all I want. I want to be normal. As.. as normal as I can be, you know? Not.. the naive little girl from a farm. For the first time in a long time, I finally feel like I'm on the right track, and like, um. I don't ... I don't want to lose that feeling."
Sasha met Candace's eyes.
"Can you.. do you know where I'm coming from? Even, like... a little?"
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Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 4:41 am
Oh good. Candace looked relieved by that confirmation; she didn't want to hate Sasha, despite Harrison's advice to, but how the girl had been acting around her didn't exactly feel like friendship to her. It had felt forced. This was better. Candace didn't feel upset by any of this, even if she pretended to be. She gave a nod at Sasha's question, opening her mouth to reply until she continued on. Candace raised a brow, looking almost amused by what Sasha was saying. So she, this adorable little lady, didn't want to be adorable. Huh. She never would have thought a simple little word would be so terrible...then again, Candace wouldn't like if someone called her cute, she supposed. Maybe in the right context..hm. "You are all of those things, Sasha. No one has said otherwise, have they?" Candace interjected before Sasha continued.
...Now she'd hit home. Candace's expression fell into serious thought again, her eyes turning to the books sitting on the table. That was it. Sasha wanted that fresh start. That new life that being a Hunter offered. That chance to be someone different than who they'd been before, someone better. She looked away from the books as Sasha caught her eye, still quiet for another moment until she smiled and nodded. "Mm. Trust me, I do. Most, if not all of us, want that kind of change after we come here from what I've seen. This place offers us that chance to be...better than the person we once were, if we have that desire. Myself included."
Candace rest an elbow on the table and cupped her chin in her hand. She looked serious again. "So, you want me to be completely honest with you. I can do that. Up until now I've really only ever lied to you once that I can think of off the top of my head. But still, that's even if the truth is harsh? Painful? I tend to be a very petty woman under times of stress, saying things I think I mean but later realize I didn't. You even want to hear that?" She frowned a little. "I'm not saying I'd say things just to hurt you. I would never do that. I just mean...you want me to be honest now, are you sure you're still going to want me to be honest later."
She paused. "..And for the record, 'girl' and 'woman' tend to be interchangeable to me. Don't think that I'm trying to undermine you by calling you a girl instead of a woman, okay? I just use whatever word comes out easier with what I'm saying. They're just words." Her smile returned. "And just because I sometimes want to protect you does not mean I don't think you're capable of protecting yourself. I think that's something you brought up with me once before, if I recall correctly. But it's because I care. I would do it for anyone. You're strong, yes, but don't handle everything on your own. Even I have to ask for help sometimes."
Candace reached out to lightly tap her fingers under Sasha's chin to make her lift it and sit straight. "I like this Sasha. This sweet Sasha who is up front and says how she feels. Don't hold back, okay? You want me to be honest with you, but I expect that back. Full, complete honesty, with no hesitations and no regrets. I can handle a little abuse. I've been here a year, and even before that I wasn't exactly the nicest person. I had about as many people who disliked me as I did who liked me. So trust me, with few exceptions there's very little you can do or say to break me. But I don't know your limits yet. So if I hit them, it's not out of any kind of malicious intent...I tend to..see how far I can take a person. It's not something I always do consciously, sometimes it just kind of happens." Her hand dropped, fingers finding Sasha's hand to grasp it. Candace was still smiling. "I'll try not to come off as treating you like you're nine anymore, but I can't promise it'll be perfect. Habits are hard to kill. Just be patient~."
Candace's fingers now slid between Sasha's, giving her hand an affectionate squeeze. "How does that sound?" Harrison was wrong. She didn't have to hate Sasha. Sasha wasn't a b***h. She was a good girl.
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Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 9:20 am
Sasha's lips formed a flat line. She resisted the urge to pull her chin away from Candace's fingers, to push the other woman's hand away, one black brow arcing high. Sasha gave Candace a pointed look. A very pointed look.
"Sometimes actions speak louder than words, Candace. Sometimes nothing has to be said - it's about gestures, too. And, like. A lot of the time, that's the issue."
Sasha gave Candace's hand a squeeze before disentangling their hands, rising to her feet, stepping away.
"I've like.. I've learned a lot about myself. Since coming here. I feel.. focused, especially recently. I can't explain it. It.. it used to be that I would do whatever it took to make my papa happy, you know? Because making him happy, made me happy. I miss him all the time. I.. wasn't the best daughter, and I regret that every day. Sometimes I feel like he deserved better. He was my best friend, and there are times I feel like I really let him down.. especially towards the.. the e-end." Sasha clenched her jaw. "Like I didn't do enough. Like I'm the .. the reason he drank himself to death; because of the things I saw. Even though I know it's not true. But now that I'm here, and I have this second chance right here in my frickin' hands," Sasha held her hands out, palms up, "I don't want to.. I don't want to regret anything else. I want to make him proud. And.. more importantly, I want to be proud of myself."
Sasha fell silent again, leaning up against a nearby table.
"Honesty is really, really important to me. I try and be honest. I do. And, okay, I'm like. When I say I want you to be honest with me? I mean it. I'm not going to like.. break down. Because honestly, I like to think you respect um. You respect me enough, as a friend, as a peer, to come back to me - after you've cooled down or whatever - to apologize. And.. I respect you enough to know that.. if I've said something that um. Warrants an apology, you'll get it. If you.. if you're petty under stress, well. We both know that um. I can be a.. a frickface, myself." She narrowed her eyes. "And.. everyone makes mistakes. I guess the best we can do is just .. learn from them as best we can. It's. I don't know. It's hard to explain, but it's not complicated."
She cleared her throat and crossed her arms over her chest.
"And.. I'm not afraid to ask for help. But I'm not some.. some.. doll. Meant to be like.. preserved. I don't want anyone to look at me and think that I don't have what it takes to do what I need to do to like.. take care of myself." Sasha gave Candace a steely look.
"When my papa was sick and couldn't move, I took care of us. It wasn't easy. It wasn't fun. It was.. really awful. And sad. He was always this pillar of strength to me, and.. when I lost him, when he died? I.. something in me broke. And.. it's taken getting to here, to this time in my life - after Antarctica and after the Isles, after finding out that I have family I didn't know I had.. and.. even.. well," she cleared her throat again, lifting her chin, "Jerry," there, she said it - there was nothing to hide, "that I finally feel like I'm.. I'm standing on this cliff. And instead of feeling like I'm going to fall off the .. the edge? I'm just."
Sasha shrugged and offered Candace a small smile.
"I'm ready to see if I can fly, instead."
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Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 12:21 pm
Candace raised a brow when given a look. What? So she couldn't be affectionate? Candace didn't mean to upset her with small touches and playful acts. Sigh. She just couldn't win. She let her hand fall to her lap as Sasha continued on. Focused. All she'd ever done had been make her Papa happy. She sounded like Molly in that regard. It certainly explained why Sasha didn't want to have a drink with her, too. "Selfless little songbird." She murmured quietly, smiling.
"I know you mean it, Sasha." Candace said gently. "I'll always be honest with you. I promise. As for cooling down, why do you think it's been so long since you last saw me?" She asked with a bit of amusement. She felt fine now, really. Even during all this she felt fine. She didn't feel like crying, or yelling. Her heart rate wasn't rushing, she didn't feel even a single tremor of frustration. She was fine. This was good. This was healthy.
"You seem under the distinc impression that anyone that matters doesn't believe you can be a great hunter." Candace chuckled, standing from her chair and moving to sit on the table Sasha was leaning against. "But I'm proud. I'd like to see you fly, little songbird." She leaned over to put her head on the girl's shoulder, closing her eyes. "I believe you can do it."
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