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 Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 5:42 pm
Jordan had turned his phone off after posting the tweet asking Rep to meet him. He didn't want to read any more of it. He was angry enough as it was, upset, confused. It was true that a lot of the s**t Rep said he didn't mean, but the increasingly hateful conversations over Twitter were too much, struck too close to the bone. They'd talked about this. He'd thought Rep was easing up. Now this?
Keeping the relationship quiet was one thing. Keeping it quiet while being publicly and loudly homophobic ... that was something else. And the rest of the provoking and s**t-stirring ... <********. Jordan gritted his teeth and summoned Ferros, spinning to lash out at one of the training dummies. The pole holding it up snapped with a sharp crack, and the dummy went flying. It didn't make him feel better.
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Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 5:54 pm
Rep had been on an utter high as he lorded it up on twitter, generally getting a thrill from winding up all and sundry. It was power, a power he hadn't felt in a while, a power he no longer got from fighting. It felt good in stark contrast to all the constant failures of late, and he couldn't stop. Other people's irritation was a drug, and he was hooked.
Jordan's comment had been the slap to the face that had snapped him out of it.
He didn't want to go to the training fields. He really didn't, but he didn't get a say in it either. He respected Jordan too much to defy a direct request like that, and despite the cowardice, he had to go. It didn't change the fact that he felt like a dead man walking on the green mile as he headed there.
It was impossible not to spot Jordan, he'd learned to recognise the other man from a distance, he'd spent enough ******** time hunting for him in crowds on the Armageddon mission to learn at least how to do that much. Ferros was also pretty hard to miss, and it really didn't reassure him that the weapon was summoned at all.
He skulked over reluctantly and tried vaguely to pretend that nothing was wrong. "Sup?"
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Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 6:00 pm
Jordan turned as he heard Rep approach, keeping Ferros summoned; not because he intended to fight, but because the weapon's weight in his hand was familiar, a comfort. The dragon was agitated, his rumbling deeper and edged with a tense hissing note, though he wasn't speaking.
For once, Jordan wasn't wearing the familiar mask of calm. This was about as close to private as they were going to get, and he wanted Rep to know that he'd gotten to him; fury and hurt mixed in equal amounts were written on his features. "What the ********, man? Seriously?" He paused, trying to get his voice under control with a deep breath. "Are you ashamed of us? Is that it?"
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Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 6:06 pm
Rep outright flinched at Jordan's words, at the earnestness of emotion he very rarely got to glimpse as raw and unconcealed as it currently was. ********. He waved his hands to emphasise his point as he stammered. "No man. No. No way."
He still looked as if he wasn't sure if he was going to take a swing from Ferros, keeping far enough back to be out of range, assuming other people might react the way he would when he was hurt. "I'm not.. I'm not ashamed of you guys. "
He tried to regain at least some fraction of his masculinity by not cowering quite as much. "I was just kidding. Its twitter."
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Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 6:16 pm
"Believe it or not, it still matters what you say even when you're typing it," Jordan snapped. He started pacing, agitation finding a physical outlet. "Of course there's something wrong with it? After - everything? I thought - dammit, Rep, I don't want to have to hide, how do you think it's ever going to be possible for us to be a thing if you're saying disrespectful hurtful s**t like that? Okay, you didn't mean to hurt anyone, but you ******** did."
He turned to face Rep, staring at him with lips pressed into a thin line and stark pain in his eyes. "Why are you doing this when you know how I feel about it?"
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Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 6:22 pm
"Its just words. Words on a screen." he shrugged, he always saw internet, phones, chat, as a completely other entity. Words were just that, words. Designed as a tool to get a rise out of other people. Attention felt good, it was a rush, it just had some really ******** nasty withdrawals, but what drug didn't?
"I.." it was really hard to find words to fit around why he did it. "It just comes naturally man. Like, I mean. I'm..like. It's just something that gets a rise out of people, its just another insult man. Another like, weapon to be used for a laugh. It's not meant to like friendly fire on people, it wasn't mean to hurt you. I didn't even think you'd read it, I didn't even.. I didn't even think at all I guess. Sometimes I just ..do s**t?"
He wrung his hands without even realising he was doing it, an old habit he hadn't revisited in a long time. "I was making fun of like.. a thing. Not us. We aren't... we are different."
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Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 6:31 pm
"Words are important," Jordan said. "Teasing, insulting, playing around - I get that. That wasn't playing. That was inciting. Stirring s**t, in the bad way that gets that s**t on you." He swallowed hard. "Hitting people in the sore spots just to watch them hurt."
His mouth pulled down unhappily. "No. No, we're not different. It's not disconnected. These things you're typing, all that cruel s**t, that's at people. People just like you and me, some of whom we call friends. I - " He swallowed hard, let Ferros droop so that the hammer's head rested on the grass. For once, the weapon didn't complain, just rumbling softly in Jordan's mind. "I'm a homo. A f*****t. Those words, those aren't just disconnected insults. I thought you respected me and Harrison more than that."
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Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 6:41 pm
Rep didn't understand the difference between teasing and insulting and the malicious attacking people for the sake of a reaction, not really anyway. To him it was almost all the same thing. It got a reaction therefore it was good s**t. "Some people deserve to hurt though. And its only fleeting. It like ******** makes them think, brings them down a peg or too aswell when they get too ******** arrogant. I'm doing the place a service."
His argument died completely as the hammer was lowered to the grass, gaze flicking to it as it was, frowning deeply. Icy claws of panic took hold in him as he tried very hard to backpedal. Oh god oh god oh god. "I.. you aren't those things the way I mean them though when I say it. I mean. Its.. those words mean like.. things you aren't. Things Ace isn't."
"I do respect you both. I more than respect you guys." he crossed his arms. "I don't insult you both. Well. Ace. But never with intent to hurt."
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Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 6:50 pm
"No, man. You're not getting it." Jordan's voice dropped, going quiet and sad. "Words mean what the other guy thinks they mean. Maybe you don't mean us, not really. But how the ******** are we supposed to know that? How is anyone supposed to know that? All we heard or read was what you said. Tracey's the only one who can hear what you're thinking." He desummoned Ferros and crossed his arms over his chest, defensive, tense, indrawn. "If you have to say it was just a joke, that's not how it sounded. That means it sounded like you meant it."
He scowled. "You know that. Once I said something, suddenly it was all a joke. You knew what those words were doing. You weren't thinking about it. Rep, you're smarter than that. You're better than that, come on, man."
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Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 7:00 pm
He didn't like being forced to face this stuff, didn't like it at all, and every thread of his being recoiled at having to try and find some guilt in the things he said. He didn't regret pissing most people off, the hate was enjoyable, it undeniably was. He revelled in other people's desire to beat him to a pulp. He could lie and say he was sorry about it, but the fact remained he wasn't. He was sorry it had hurt Jordan specifically, that was all, he didn't like it when it hurt people who mattered. He was sorry he got caught.
"It might have sounded like I meant it but I assure you I didn't. I mean, if I hated.." he waved a hand vaguely, now it was hard to say the words. "..that, so much. I wouldn't be like..part of what we .." he rubbed his face with a hand. Why was this so hard to explain?
"Sure, I know what my words do. They make people angry. Its great. People show sides to themselves, true ******** proper sides to themselves you never see otherwise when they are angry. Usually it means you've hit some truth in them. Some deep down thing they didn't even know they carried around." he frowned "So maybe it wasn't a joke I guess with them. But I didn't want to hurt you. That's not a ******** lie. I don't want to make you angry." he didn't think he could handle Jordan any more angry.
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Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 7:07 pm
"It's not anger, not all of it," Jordan said. "It's anger covering for hurt. You're cracking their walls and then laughing at what falls out. And when you're doing that, you never know when a shot's going to go off course and hit someone you didn't want to hit." He stopped, breathed carefully, rubbed his hand across his eyes. "I've let you in. Trusted you. That s**t hurts more when I know you know me. That you're just looking to have a little fun at someone else's expense without giving any thought to who it hurts and how bad."
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Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 7:20 pm
"Only them though." he hazarded again, as if it would make a difference. "I mean. You took that comment personally but it was just a throwaway thing, just a word. People use the word homo all the time, I've had it used at me too, I just..exclude myself from its definition like. That's all it takes. You guys are excluded from all that s**t when I say it by default."
Trusted. Past tense. Words definitely could ******** hurt. Especially with the layered meaning he'd leant that word on his own. He had to pause for a few moments before he could even trust himself to reply without his voice betraying him.
"It's just easier to deal with this s**t the way I always have. I just wanted to be the old me a little bit longer. Just a little bit." he hugged himself and looked away. "Until I knew I was safe, that I wasn't just..the extra guy."
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Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 7:29 pm
"You're excluding yourself from it by default. I'm not." Jordan watched Rep. "It's not a choice I can make. Words mean everything. Someone says something to me, the words they use make me think of all kinds of things automatically. Different words, different things, and that makes the difference between funny teasing and a nasty insult. It's ... it's not cool."
"It's easier, but it's ******** everything up," he answered. "That s**t - that's what makes you the extra guy. Don't you see that?" He lifted a hand, half-reaching out, then dropped it to his side and clenched it into a fist. "Rep," he said, and choked on his words, falling silent for a moment.
Is this a good idea? he asked Ferros.
It's putting all your seeds on one card, Ferros said.
I have to know if it matters. I have to. Jordan took a breath. "Rep, I don't want to have to shut you out. I - I love you."
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Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 7:58 pm
He'd never really considered the possibility that there were people who couldn't switch off being affected by insults like an immunity in their head. It was how things worked for him with Harrison in some ways, he just switched the insult part of his brain to immunity and listened to nothing but the tone. And the tone, he liked. "I.."
His defence died on his lips as he stared in horror. That's what made him the extra guy. He was just the other guy. The loud mouthed idiot who ******** everything up because he didn't know any better. The project. And he'd gone along with it, only till now, yeah when the truth came out. It felt like standing over an abyss. He was waiting for the axe to fall. It wasn't working, he was just a sexist bigoted p***k and it just wasn't working out. Always assume the worst, it had been his motto a long time. This was the end of the line and he was ******** terrified.
The moment felt like forever as he gave Jordan an unguarded, desperate look. Please don't do this.
He wasn't expecting the reply he got. Wasn't prepared for it in the least. He stared. Any time in the past he'd heard those three words it had been in a tone of mocking, ridicule. But to hear them now was different. A world of difference. His voice faltered despite his best efforts as he replied "Then please don't man. Please." he let his hands drop to his sides, hands clenched into fists as he used every bit of self control to keep himself in check. He felt acutely vulnerable, told in the same breath that he was the extra guy by his own ignorance and that he was likewise loved. Flawed but needed.
His thoughts went to someone else very ******** important to him who he'd loved but who'd never changed because it was easy not to change, was easier to stay as things were. He had the most awful sinking feeling. But a glimmer of resolve as he shakily, carefully replied.
"I'll do the hard thing man. The changing thing. If that's what you want. Cause I.. like.." he couldn't say it, not out loud, the roar of that inner mocking voice drowning out the words before he said them. But he mouthed it silently.
I love you too.
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Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 8:07 pm
"I don't want to see you shut out and hated. That's - I wouldn't ask you to change otherwise. It's a s**t thing to do. But. I know you're better than that. I've seen it. I do trust you." Jordan stepped closer, reached out shakily to put a hand on Rep's arm. "I've got your back. You know? What I - but that and what I feel doesn't mean I'm not going to tell you when you're full of s**t. ********, I hope you'd do the same."
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