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Candace had walked mostly in silence at first, her walk becoming a fast-paced escape the moment she was out of the cafeteria and then finally a full on sprint as she fled as far from the main building as possible. She couldn't breathe. Her heart hurt, her head was swimming and she was crying so much she could barely see; it was good that she remembered the route to the training grounds, it was even better that said training grounds were empty. Though she wouldn't have minded a few fog monsters to obliterate. Stopping in the middle of the field, Candace panted for breath and doubled over with her hands on her knees, her whole body shaking.

"Because of what happened with you."
_________"Just so like. There, ah. Wasn't any confusion. Because. I mean."

"I was... looking for Sasha, actually."
"I um... was actually hoping to snag her alone for a minute,"

She whimpered, a hand flying to her mouth as her legs threatened to give out beneath her and muffling a pathetic sob. Candace choked, biting down on her knuckle and closing her eyes. It wasn't fair. It wasn't ******** fair. When did this become a big ******** deal for her? It wasn't...it ********! She hated this! She hated that she felt like she was becoming some love obsessed sap! This was it! This was the real ******** reason that ******** goddamn son of a b***h jackass ******** therapist had told her she was philophobic. Because of this! This right here! She was right! She was right all along!

Love was a poison.

Love made perfectly happy people miserable.

This was why she didn't do relationships.

Candace choked again, the lump in her throat feeling even more painful than usual. Candace.. Atropos' voice was soft, soothing. It almost felt like a hug. I'm sorry...I know how much you care for him.. Candace bit down harder on her finger, trying to hold in a sob. Candace, don't hold it in. It'll only hurt more in the end. She released her finger and shook her head, using her scarf to wipe tears off her face and away from her eyes. She couldn't make them stop. <******** was she again?

Oh. Right. The training field...she came here to unleash her frustrations on the dummies here.

All of the dummies.

Candace summoned Atropos without a word, reaching into her pocket for her gloves. The notebook and pen were tossed aside, not wanting either of them to fall out of her coat and trip her up by accident. She paused, shrugging the coat off as well. The scarf was also roughly pulled from around her neck, revealing the marks that H had left with his nipping kisses and bites in his serious efforts to make her cry. He hadn't succeeded. She'd been very stubborn. They were tossed on the ground along with her notebook, a disinterested glance given to the intermediate's coat. She was so done with that coat. She wanted to be a hunter.

They'd never promote her as an emotional wreck..

She turned back to the line of dummies, eyes narrowed. She'd just make it go away. Candace couldn't go to anyone for this. Harrison would just tell her Sasha was a b***h, that she should hate her, that Jerry had never been good enough for her anyway and she should just ******** get over him already. She was trying, okay?! She was trying so hard! He'd tell her she had every right to be angry. Or sad. Or whatever she was right now. She didn't want to hear that, though. She couldn't go to Gale, she didn't want to burden him with this. Molly? No. Not Molly. She didn't want either of them to know. She didn't want either of them to see her like this. Molly had her on...on some kind of ******** god-like pedestal and being like this would ruin the girl's view of her for sure. Cass wouldn't understand..she had her loving boyfriend and her happy, fairytale romance. Robert wouldn't ******** understand. She wasn't close enough to Petra. She couldn't load something like this on Aria...

No. No one could see her like this. This was a bad Candace. A not-right Candace. She hated this. She hated feeling confused, lost, upset..vulerable.

She threw herself back, catching herself on her hands and lifting her legs to cut off both of the dummy's arms. Keeping her momentum, she dropped down to the ground with a leg extended, her weight on her other foot and her hands on the ground to push her and spin her. She cut the pole that kept the dummy standing like it was made of paper. The dummy came tumbling down and she jumped up to catch it before it hit the ground, punting it across the field with as much force as she could put behind it. The dummy flew.

Next came the dummy beside it, which she turned and kicked with a growl, hopping and turning on the ball of her foot as she dropped her leg and elbowing its head. It wobbled, smacking her back from the force of the pole trying to break but instead bending and bouncing forward and backward. She stumbled forward, kicking a leg back to kick it away.

It wasn't long before she had destroyed three dummies, left panting in the middle of the destruction she had just caused.

She didn't feel any better.

Candace ruffled her hair with both hands, letting out a frustrated cry. Her voice cracked, and she kicked the remains of a dummy one last time before her legs finally gave out and she fell to the ground. She gave up, turning to lie on her side and cover her head with both arms. Her body shook with sobs, the sounds muffled by her arms. She curled up into as tight of a ball as she could, Atropos unsummoning herself without a word. She couldn't do it. She wanted to be happy for them. She wanted to be supportive.

It just.

Wasn't.

Fair.

Footsteps. They were coming right for her. She could hear them and feel them on the ground beneath her, their thuds with each footfall made her flinch and desperately try to hide more despite her only cover being her own arms. No! Get away! Don't look at her! Get away! Go! ********. Him of all people.

Candace choked on her own breath as she tried desperately to stop. She tried holding her breath but that failed. Finally Jordan was at her side and she whimpered. No! Go away! "I-I'm no-not ******** hurt." She sobbed, her voice cracking and muffled from behind hidden against the ground. Her arms covered her head as if that alone should have been enough of a shield away from Jordan. "Sh-sh-she can HAVE HIM I d-don-don't give a s**t!" See? She's fine. Go away now. Leave. Shoo!

At the hand on her shoulder she suddenly moved, rolling away from the hand like it belonged to one of the very creatures they were trying to eliminate. It was very much akin to a wounded animal shying violently away from the touch of a helpful passerby. She tried to stand, losing her balance before she was even halfway up and just falling on her a**. Her face was stained with tears and running makeup, as well as a bit of dirt from having thrown herself to the ground, and her hair was a complete mess. There were marks along her neck, though they didn't look as if they'd exactly hurt to get. Her eyes were looking anywhere but Jordan, searching for an escape. Her coat. Her scarf. Her notebook. Where were they. She needed to get away.

He had a point. This wasn't private. If someone like Jordan could just...what if..what if someone else..

"I d-don't..have man-ny <******** options." She hissed, still backing away as much as she could given her legs' decision that they didn't want to properly function. Candace coughed, wiping at her face with her shirt. Damnit! Jordan of all people! "Ah-I can't g-go to m-mm-my ow..n ******** room be-beca-ause of those...THINGS!" She coughed again, hiding her face in her hands. "Nowallsn-nopri-priva-acyit'snot..I..I can't do this! ********> She couldn't breathe. ********. She needed to run. How to get out of here. Could she walk if she summoned Atropos, maybe? Was that the problem?

Her rings glowed, the light flaring brightly...nothing happened. Candace jumped, looking down at her rings. What?! You'll thank me later. Atropos said gently.

Damnit Atropos!

A conference room. That could work. Yes. Wait. Labs? No. Noooo no no. At the mention of the labs her eyes widened, desperately scrambling back again. "N-NO! Not the labs any-anywhere b-but the labs not the labs no h-h-he can't see mm-me like this no-ot him anyone but him nonono.." Her breath escaped her in high-pitched whimpers, holding her head with her fingers threaded through her already mussed up hair. ******** this ******** son of a damn--

What?

Candace looked up at Jordan as he offered her his hand, eyes wide and brimming with tears. A deer in headlights. Jordan was...genuinely trying to help her. Why? She wanted to be his friend, yeah, he was a good guy and if he was going to be dating Harrison it'd be convenient if they got along but...after what she'd done to Jerry she was sure he would hate her. Especially with what she had known of Jordan's feelings toward him. He should hate her. He..he had every right to hate her.

Why was he helping her.

She rubbed her lips together, slowly moving her hands away from her head. He was...really helping her. Candace tentatively reached up for the offered hand, pulling back for a moment before finally taking it. Except for the occasional sniff, cough and clearing of her throat she'd managed to get her breathing under..relative control. It still hitched every now and then, her shoulders shaking as she tried desperately to hold it in. She pulled herself up, stumbling and grabbing hold of his shoulder with her free hand to stay standing. Oh..her..stuff. She'd come back for it. Hopefully no one would come along and take her notebook or her coat. She just wanted to get out of here. "P..please..." She managed to get out, her voice breathless.

Candace nodded, leaning as little of her weight as she could on Jordan. She hated this. Above all else, the one thing Candace hated was weakness in herself; it was worse than admitting to failure, than giving in to the temptations that broke Jerry's heart and started this mess. She was not in a good place. She needed help. Who were her options?

...No one.

Candace didn't speak a word as they walked, her head hanging in a way that let her mussed hair fall around her face and block it from view of anyone they passed. She hadn't let go of that hand that Jordan had offered her, squeezing it with all the force of the screams and sobs she wanted to let loose. Her hand was still shaking.

It felt like an eternity until they finally found an empty room with a door and a large conference table lined with chairs. This would do. It had a door with a lock. It had been awhile since she was in a locked room, but she made a point to stumble away from Jordan to do just that, finally letting go of Jordan and leaning heavily against the door. She was quiet, her eyes on the ground as she sank to the floor. She didn't want to stand. Standing took effort. Candace wanted to shut down.

This was pathetic. Why couldn't she make it stop?!

"I..I don't..know where I...went wrong...what did I...how.." She sniffed, lifting her head to stare up at the ceiling. She'd gone to see Clarice. It'd been Clarice she'd wanted to see.

None of this would have happened if she hadn't accepted the doctor's help...

At Jordan's question she fell quiet again, closing her eyes. She didn't know what she wanted. She wanted..to stop hurting. Could it be possible to turn time back say...oh..a year? Six months at the least? Please? She rubbed at her face, tears still rolling down her cheeks. She felt like a mess. Maybe she did just need to compose herself...

"From what I can gather, she displays extreme signs of philophobia." Candace's voice was soft, pained from the sobbing and the emotions she was trying so desperately to force away. Go away. No. She didn't want this. "Discussing your wife and Andrew she was fine, though highly guarded...but any attempts to get her to speak of love would send her into debilitatingly severe anxiety attacks. Hyperventilation, increased heart rate and loss of most basic motor skills such as standing and talking. It would force us to pause our sessions for several minutes at a time." She was speaking from memory, though probably paraphrasing. It was something that had always bothered her, so it had stuck with her all this time.

She fell quiet again after that, sniffing and clearing her throat. Her brow furrowed as if she was considering something. What to do next, what to say, how to act. It was all something Candace put serious thought into; she was a woman who, despite recent events, strongly preferred to live by logic and reason as opposed to emotion and rash impulses. She hated what she had become over the past few months. Despised it. She loathed this Candace with every fiber of her being.

She thought she was getting better. Where had she gone wrong?

"Do..do you remember when I told you I would support Jerry in anything that would make him happy?" Candace asked sadly, opening tear-filled lavender eyes to stare up at the man standing beside her. "T-turns out that...i-it's harder to do than it is to say." She laughed, a bitter and sad sound, as she looked away to just focus on a light in the ceiling. "Wh-when it's n..no-not me making him h-h-happy, anyway." It hurt. It hurt so badly.

Candace sniffed a bit as Jordan said he understood. She ruffled her hair again, making an unhappy sound of irritation. "The first time Jerry told me he loved me...I couldn't say it back. I panicked...I..I couldn't..say it back. I tried. I tried again and again...I wanted..I wanted Jerry to be that one. That one that could maybe, you know, show me that love wasn't just..." Suddenly she laughed again, but it was still a bitter sentiment. "Growing up I observed that love was just a poison that makes two perfect decent, happy people miserable. I was ******** right, apparently. Do you have any idea what it's like to see the look on your dad's face every time he watches your mother walk out the door claiming she was running an errand...b-but knowing damn well that she was really going to her lover? My actual father?" She choked on her own breath again, her hands covering her face as she worked at putting on that calm face of hers again. "Ch-cheating it's..it's disgusting. It-it's an unforgivable selfish act that...just..I swore I'd never do it I promised myself I made a goddamn vow to myself I'd never do it." The pitch of her voice raised until by the end of her cry it was a high-pitched whine. Jordan had seen a part of her she did not want a soul to see..she had to recompose her dignity quick.

"I d-don't..know what happened." Her voice was muffled against her hands, and she whimpered. "I we-went to s-sss-see Cla-Clarice ab-about my le-leg after...after the whole...Circe thing and..the Sahara...and...and H inte-intercepted and...and he just...I hated him how was he able to do that." Candace leaned to one side and thought better of it. No, don't lay down. Laying down was more pathetic than that. Instead she scoot closer to Jordan and leaned his way instead, resting against Jordan's leg with her eyes turned down. He may not have actually liked her but she just needed that touch, that sense of comfort that someone was here.

"I..I lo-loved Jerry so much and I <******** it up!" She broke again, turning her head to bury her face against his leg. She sobbed, desperately clutching at the fabric of his pants like a child seeking comfort in a mother's skirt. "I hurt him s-so ba-a-adly an-and I juh-just..I...I tr-tried to make it rrr-ri-right ******** he woul-wouldn't <******** listen I tr-tried I tried s-s-so hard!" Candace couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe! S-stop! She let go of Jordan and held her head, leaning away from him and bending her knees to hide her face against them. She couldn't stop it! ********! ******** this, Candace! Stop it!

It was a good five minutes until she was able to regain control of her own body, panting softly and lifting her head away. "And then w-when he madeitclear he doe-doesn't want me...he..he just...he kept looking at Sasha the way he used to look at me. It hurt...I..I wasn't the one making him happy anymore." She whimpered, biting down on her lip and closing her eyes. "Th-they practically shove it in my ******** face. D-do you know what Sasha did today? She...she laid claim on him today. Like...like I was some kind of ********>. She said she didn't want to fight me for him. Wha-what did she ******** expect?! T-to intimidate me?! Or that I'd just be all ******** smiles and support and...and happy for them?!" Anger laced her voice now, pulling at her own hair as she growled with frustration. It had been exactly what she'd done; she'd smiled, she'd said she was happy for her and that she supported her. It was true, Sasha was better for Jerry than she'd ever been.

Jerry deserved better than her...but it still hurt to see he was officially moving on.

It hurt that some other girl would be brightening his foggiest days, that his songs would be about Sasha instead...instead of his darling Candy..

Eventually he would be telling Sasha he loved her. Maybe they'd get married.

Her chest felt tight and her shoulders shook with sobs trying to escape her again. Stop it, Candace. Stop crying. Stop it.

At the touch to her shoulder she flinched, though it didn't take her any time at all to relax and rest a hand atop of Jordan's, holding it tightly. Her grip would occasionally tighten, choosing to instead squeeze his hand instead of allowing herself to continue weeping like a fool. It was hard but it was helping a little. He didn't say anything. That was fine. He didn't need to speak. She sniffed, rubbing her lips together and shaking her head. "I n-need to let him go...but it's ju-just so hard." She bit down on her lip a moment, squeezing Jordan's hand again before relaxing. Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop. Crying.

She suddenly laughed. "Harrison would uh..he'd...tell me to hate them. Or wonder why I didn't deck her." Candace shook her head at that, sighing. He had told her to hate Sasha. She wanted to hate Sasha right now, she wanted to despise her and say the most terrible things about her. Why couldn't she get herself to do it? Why couldn't she hate them? She was allowed to, wasn't she? She was allowed to be sad. Right? Or did she not deserve to be sad. Maybe that was it. She'd ******** up, she wasn't allowed to be sad about it.

You know that's not true. Atropos said with a soft sigh, her rings flaring a bright purple light before fading away again. Candace squeezed Jordan's hand again. Don't I? Every time I start to feel happy something goes wrong.

"I don't know why I did it." Her voice was quiet, tired. "At first it was just...it'd..it'd been two years since I'd been touched by a man and H was able to take advantage of it..and then Jerry and I...I don't know what happened. I don't...I don't know why I...I wanted it to work with Jerry I did I...I don't..know where I went wrong." What she had done was wrong, she wasn't arguing that. She just didn't know why she did it. It had been too easy to come up with reasons, to justify her actions.

Why had it been so easy?

"Sasha's so much better for him than I ever was anyway." Candace leaned over, seeming to deflate right there. "She's sweet, innocent, thoughtful...they have more common interests, they're more alike.." She whimpered and held Jordan's hand tighter. She'd wanted to be that someone.

"I hate this." She hissed, putting her head on Jordan's shoulder with her face hidden by her hair. She hated this. She hated this heartache. Candace hated what she was becoming. "I let myself fall in love, I ******** it up, and then I fell in love with another man and h-he'll never be mine." Her voice grew quieter with every word until it was just barely a whisper, whimpering and squeezing his hand again. "I'm so stupid."