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 Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 7:30 pm
Some days were better than others.
They were rare, and when they happened they tended to take him by surprise. Sometimes he would wake up and know “today is a good day,” but most of the time he had no idea until he slipped into bed that night, and he realized he’d gone from sunrise to sunset without giving in to the heartache. It was not common. He’d had, perhaps, four such days over the course of the month, and after a while they became buried under all the others days when he didn’t want to do anything but run until he was sick and dance until he collapsed. He overlooked them as something of a fluke, a momentary lapse in this long, ugly process that was grief and mourning.
But the good days were there. Surprisingly, they’d come to coincide with gray weather, dreary weekend days when he caved to the uncharacteristic desire to stay in bed for hours, listening to the rain or watching TV or fawning over his dope of a boyfriend.
So it was that one Sunday Paris scaled the stairs up the loft carrying a tray of French toast, assorted fruit, a large mug of coffee—black with just a little sugar—and an equally large mug of hot chocolate and whipped cream arranged neatly on top. He put his haul carefully onto one of the bedside tables, then settled onto the bed where his boyfriend was still sleeping, Sassy curled up quite comfortably on the free pillow space above Chris’s head, Anna having taken over the side of the bed Paris had only vacated a short while ago. The cat lifted her head as the mattress was jostled, but when she noticed it was only Paris she quickly yawned and settled back down. Anna just watched, similarly lazy.
Paris crawled over Chris and descended to place a series of kisses all along his scratchy face. “It’s ten o’clock, Pooh Bear,” he said, not so loud to be bothersome but still loud enough to get his attention. “Time to wake up. I made us breakfast.”
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Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 8:56 pm
"Ugh, Anna..." Chris mumbled and cringed away as he came back into consciousness. He tried lifting his arms to push his dog away, but was prevented from the body blocking the motion. "Paris?" he asked in surprise as he blinked awake. When he was sure that it really was his boyfriend, he relaxed back against the pillows, draping his already raised arms around Paris's back.
"What's the occasion...?" he asked, turning his head to the side so he wouldn't yawn in his boyfriend's face, his voice hoarse from just being woken up. It wasn't his fault he was curious about what was going on. It wasn't every day that Paris woke him up like this. Hell, not since before his father had passed, if he was remembering correctly.
Rain was falling heavy onto the roof and fire escape, just loud enough to be able to hear it through the window and walls. It was calming if anything. Or at least it was calming to him. He didn't mind the rain, nor did he mind thunder and lightning. Of course, the thunder and lightning on Earth was nothing compared to the storms he'd witnessed on Jupiter. And he'd only been there a couple of times!
He could smell the coffee and french toast as he continued to wake up, turning his head back to glance over at the bedside table, since it was the most likely surface Paris would have used. "Jeez... You really went all out," he mumbled, pushing himself up to return a quick kiss, and then reaching up to the top of his head to give the kitten a few gentle pets.
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Posted: Wed May 09, 2012 2:44 pm
“There isn’t really any occasion,” Paris said, pulling back just enough to give Chris some breathing space. “It’s just that you pitched a long game on Friday, and then we had the meeting last night, so I thought you might want to sleep in for a little while and have breakfast in bed.”
It was probably the most romantic he’d ever get. He’d tried Valentine’s and that hadn’t gone quite like he’d planned, at least not until they’d retreated to the bed with their food. There was just something very comforting about being in bed together, whether they were watching TV or eating or making out or even doing their respective homework or studying. It was much less stressful than going out and being around other people, and less lonely and being off by themselves. Especially recently, Paris had come to prefer this over excessive socializing.
“I texted your mom earlier when I took Anna out for her walk so she’d know not to expect us at Mass,” he explained. “I figured you wouldn’t mind.”
He leaned down for another quick kiss, and then clambered off of his boyfriend so that Chris could actually sit up and enjoy his breakfast. Paris grabbed Sassy off of the pillow and settled her onto a different spot on the bed where she wouldn’t get in the way as much, before pushing Anna further off to one side, mumbling “how you can take up so much room when you’re not even a big dog is beyond me” as he did so.
“It’s just French toast and fruit,” Paris continued once the animals were taken care of. He reached over to grab the tray and bring it with him onto the bed as he made himself comfortable next to Chris, adjusting one of the pillows behind his back. “But if you want something else, I can get it for you.”
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Posted: Wed May 09, 2012 10:44 pm
"You shut off my alarm??" he sputtered, glancing over to the clock on the bedside table, the time Paris mentioned just now registering in his head. It was already ten a.m.? Sundays he was used to being up at seven so he could get to church with his family, but... if Paris already told his mom...
After a slight panic, Chris quickly settled down, nodding lightly in understanding to his boyfriend. "I mean... no, I don't mind... as long as mom isn't freaking out that we didn't show," he said, watching curiously as Paris brought the tray over with him. He shifted over a bit to make more room, even though there was plenty of it, immediately reaching for the coffee to sip at.
"This is fine, Paris," he told him, looking over the tray in amazement. He didn't know what he'd done to deserve being treated to breakfast in bed, but he hoped he wouldn't mess it up! Despite how spoiled he already was, he wasn't going to complain about being spoiled even more. "This is more than fine. It looks great. Thank you." He turned away to place the coffee on the bedside table, but then turned back in order to give Paris a quick kiss.
"You didn't have to do all this... did you eat already?" he asked, yawning again as he speared a whole piece of toast to try and pick it up, obviously planning on shoving the whole thing into his mouth. Or at least he was going to attempt it.
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Posted: Thu May 10, 2012 2:59 pm
“Well, I made it for both of us,” Paris replied, giving Chris a pointed look as he reached out for his mug of hot chocolate, “but I had a little bit while I was getting everything ready, and I’m not really all that hungry to begin with, so eat as much as you want.”
His appetite had still not recovered. Sometimes Paris wondered if it had something to do with the fact that he often made himself sick, and his stomach just wasn’t up to working as hard as it might have had things been more normal, but he always pushed the thought away. It seemed ridiculous. Who could really expect him to be hungry when he felt so horrible all the time anyway? Besides, it wasn’t like he never ate. His meal times were just a little sporadic. He was working on it. He just needed time.
For now, the fruit looked more appetizing than the toast. Once he’d taken a few swallows of his hot chocolate and licked some of the lingering whipped cream off of his lips, Paris grabbed one of the forks on the tray to spear of piece of cantaloupe from the bowl of assorted fruit.
“I figured we can just relax today,” he said after he’d chewed and swallowed and speared another piece. “I don’t really feel like doing anything. We can have a late lunch and then maybe go out to dinner? Nothing fancy. No point getting all dressed up when all we’re gonna do is sit around here.”
Paris wondered if that seemed boring, if he seemed boring now, when he had nothing to offer and no desire to do anything. He used to be fun. He used to be spontaneous and exciting. Now he didn’t want to do anything except mope around or run away or work himself to the bone, try to be an adult when he probably wasn’t even really ready for it. He’d be surprised if Chris didn’t find him tiresome. He certainly found himself tiresome these days.
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Posted: Thu May 10, 2012 8:43 pm
Chris shrunk back a little at Paris's look, feeling embarrassed for assuming the food was all for him. Sure, he thought there was a decent amount brought up, but he also didn't doubt his ability to eat it all. Ah, but that wasn't really healthy to eat it all, was it? "I knew that," he mumbled lamely, lowering the piece of bread to cut apart so he wouldn't make a mess... or choke.
"I don't mind not doing anything today," he agreed, although it was mostly to indulge Paris. His mind was already wondering how restless he was going to get from sitting around all day. Sure they could find things to do around the apartment, but he could only watch so many movies before needing to get up and do something. But for the time being, he was perfectly capable of going along with Paris's plans.
He poked at a piece of the toast, spearing it with his fork to eat. "Did you just want to get take out for dinner? That way I don't have to shave..." he pointed out, reaching up to feel the stubble that wasn't too noticeable, but was obviously there. Paris would know him well enough by now to know that he didn't like leaving the apartment unshaven. It would be like... leaving the house without shoes... or something.
"Are you feeling okay?" he wondered, shifting a little on the bed so he could place an arm around his boyfriend's shoulders and brush at his hair with his hand, playfully tousling it, but doing so in a way to keep his hair from falling into his face.
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Posted: Thu May 10, 2012 9:02 pm
“You don’t have to shave to go out to dinner,” Paris said anyway. Sure, he knew Chris didn’t like to walk out of the house looking anything but clean-shaven, but he could never really understand what the big deal about it was. Of course, Paris’s experience with facial hair was pretty much non-existent. There could very well be something he was missing, though he assumed it was just a matter of Chris being fussy about the way he looked.
“No one’s going to care but you,” he mumbled around another mouthful of cantaloupe.
He chewed his fruit slowly, taking his time eating in the hopes that it might somehow kick-start his appetite and make him want more. He hadn’t been entirely truthful when he’d claimed to have eaten a little while he’d been preparing the meal. Aside from a few pieces of fruit when he’d cut it up and mixed it all into the bowl, he hadn’t touched a single thing. He expected Chris would end up eating most of the French toast, which didn’t concern him at all, though he knew it would concern Chris if he didn’t try to eat at least one piece.
Swallowing, Paris grabbed Chris’s wrist to stop him from tousling his hair even more. He dragged it around to bring Chris’s hand to his mouth, kissing his palm and licking a dollop of syrup off the side of it. And the think that had almost gotten in his hair!
“Of course I’m okay. Just a little tired, I guess,” he replied. He’d gotten up at his normal time that morning even though Chris had slept in. Then again, he had a hard time sleeping these days anyway. “We’ve been so busy. I could probably use some time off, but I’ll be taking a vacation when we go to the beach, so there’s no point in bothering now. Maybe I could take a week off of patrols, but then what would I do at night? I don’t just want to sit around the apartment.”
That wouldn’t help him get his mind off things at all.
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Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 3:45 pm
Chris wrinkled his nose at the thought of leaving the apartment and heading out into public without shaving. The number of times he'd done that he could count on one hand. Okay so maybe he was a bit obsessed with the way he looked sometimes, but it was one of the few things he wasn't entirely lazy about. He could throw his underwear all over the floor but he had to have his hair neatly brushed and taken care of.
"We don't have to stay around the apartment anyway," he shrugged letting Paris take hold of his hand to lick, although he used the opportunity to playfully flex his fingers and try to catch his boyfriend's face. Gently, of course.
"We could... Go out to a club or something," he suggested, although he was sure that Paris knew very well that he'd never been to one. Especially not one that would require a fake ID. "Or... You could go if you wanted to get out of here."
Paris was more than welcome to do things away from him, after all. Just because they were going out didn't mean they had to do everything together. Yeah, Chris would prefer to keep an eye on him but Paris didn't have to change so much for their relationship.
"I mean... I know you used to go out a lot, so... I don't know. It's a option I you're feeling restless."
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Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 5:24 pm
Paris snorted. “The club isn’t really my scene anymore,” he admitted. “It’s not worth going by myself, and I doubt you’d be all that comfortable in one. Too many people you don’t know dressed inappropriately and dancing too close.”
Sometimes he was surprised when he realized he didn’t really miss it. Other times he wasn’t. He’d liked it for the music and the opportunity to let off some steam, and before he’d given a serious relationship a try it’d been a good place to meet people who weren’t looking for anything more than he was, but that time in his life was over and he didn’t ever intend to regress so far that that was all that became of his life again. A brief foray into one of the city’s nicer clubs, either with friends or his boyfriend, was one thing. Anything else would be meaningless.
He pushed Chris’s hand away when it started getting too grabby, sipping at more of his hot chocolate as it continued to cool.
“Anyway, I don’t think the club is the sort of distraction I’m looking for,” he said. “I’d only go if you wanted to. To be honest, I’d rather just stay here most of the time. It’s just that sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself, and other times I get the feeling that I’m… I don’t know, boring you or something.”
He wasn’t sure why he felt that way, since it wasn’t like Chris was giving him any indication that he thought that he was boring or unexciting, but these days it was a frequent thought. Maybe it was the fact that Chris had so many options open to him. The insecure part of himself couldn’t quite understand what made him so special compared to everything and everyone else in Chris’s life.
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Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 8:25 pm
He pulled his hand away when it was no longer welcome, going back to poking at the food on the tray in front of him. "I'm just saying... it could shake things up a little. I don't like seeing you mope around so much," he said, casting a glance at Paris out of the corner of his eye. Just because Paris could fake a good mood didn't mean Chris didn't notice the difference. Yeah, he realized that his father had just recently died, but there had to be something to keep his boyfriend from just wasting away in depression. Maybe going to a club would be good for him.
"Why do you think you bore me? You haven't developed a complex, have you...?" Chris asked warily, carefully pushing the tray away enough so he could turn to face Paris, propping his elbow up against the pillows. "You've been saying that a lot recently," he pointed out, studying his boyfriend's expression as he sipped at his hot chocolate. "I don't think you're boring. I don't think you're a waste of time... You're gonna start making me feel bad."
Chris was half joking, of course. He did his best to force a pout and look at Paris with the saddest expression he could manage, knowing very well that it was cheesy and exaggerated. If anything, he missed Paris being really, truly happy. This...? With the breakfast in bed? It was just a shadow of how things had been, but would that make him a total jerk for wanting Paris to be 'happy' under the circumstances?
He sure felt like a jerk sometimes.
"I'm tempted to say 'let's do it', just to get you out of the apartment," he added once he could no longer force the [removed](his cheeks began to hurt!), and leaned in to give Paris a quick kiss.
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Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 8:42 pm
“I don’t mope around.”
Another lie among many. Paris satisfied himself with the knowledge that Chris didn’t usually get to see him mope, as he tried to hide it from his boyfriend as much as possible. It helped that Chris was out at school for most of the day. Their weekdays were spent separated in different places, until they came together in the afternoon and evenings once all of their day-life responsibilities were taken care of. By then Paris had had his run and been to dance and worked out most of his stress and could be as normal as anyone could expect after the month that he’d had.
Of course, he had his moments. He couldn’t keep the happy mask up all the time. Not that it was even very happy. If he could describe it as anything, he’d call it a “tolerable mask”—somewhere directly between truly happy and utterly depressed. He was tolerating life as it was in the hopes that one day his troubles would cease and everything would even out and find some sort of equilibrium.
“I just feel like I’m not living up to expectations anymore,” he explained. He returned Chris’s kiss before shooing him back to his food. “Like we’ve hit some sort of a wall and we’re not advancing any further. I mean, I know it’s probably because of me and because of-”
He cut himself off before he could say “because of my dad dying,” as that still wasn’t something he particularly enjoyed saying out loud, and since he’d woken up to one of his good days he’d really like to keep it going.
“Sorry,” he said. “This isn’t what I wanted to talk about. I’m being stupid. I just need time.”
He felt like he’d said that over a hundred times already. Time. “I just need more time.” How much more time was it really going to take? When would things get back to the way they used to be? Would they ever?
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Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 9:16 pm
"You do mope around," Chris said, the words muffled under another kiss. The mug was gently taken away from Paris before it could manage to spill onto the sheets. "You think I have expectations I want you to live up to?" he wondered, leaning over to stick the mug on the bedside table closest to Paris.
He hoped he'd never given that impression. He wanted Paris to be able to take his time and just... live his life and do so one step at a time. There was no reason to jump head in, especially when there were so many things to worry about.
Even still, Chris reached out to wrap his arms around him, playfully pushing him back against the pillows. Anna didn't seem to like all the movement and soon jumped off the bed. Sassy was probably long gone, hiding downstairs or looking for food in her bowl.
"You know you can take whatever time you need," he reassured him, pulling back enough to look him over and make sure there wasn't anything that would alert any reason to be concerned, before gently digging his fingers into Paris's sides. "What did you want to talk about then?"
Okay, so a tickle fight probably wasn't the best when there was food on the bed, but Chris would stop the second Paris started getting out of hand. He just missed seeing him smile.
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Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 9:37 pm
Unfortunately, Paris wasn’t in the moon to be tickled. He allowed himself to be pushed back, assuming Chris wanted to loom over him and maybe steal some better kisses, but as soon as the fingers started to work their way to his sides Paris squirmed away and pushed at Chris’s chest.
“Please don’t,” he said.
He knew Chris was only doing it to get some sort of a reaction out of him that wasn’t sad looking frowns or strained smiles that threatened to disappear at a moment’s notice, rather than attempting to annoy him. Paris might not have been so opposed to it had circumstances been different lately. He certainly wasn’t against being playful, especially in bed. Things being as they were, however… he didn’t have the energy for it, nor was he in the mood to encourage it.
“I don’t know what I want to talk about,” he went on. “Just not that. I’m just tired and frustrated and I don’t know what to do about it, but I really don’t want to talk about that right now either, because it’ll just put me in a bad mood. I really just wanted to have breakfast in bed and relax for a little while. Apparently I can’t even manage that without dragging the mood down.”
He hated it. He really, truly hated it. He felt like he was bringing Chris and their relationship down with him sometimes. It was hard to like himself when he thought about it like that. He thought he should be getting better, not slowly worsening.
“And today was supposed to be a good day,” he mumbled, then sighed and went limp against the pillows.
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Posted: Fri May 11, 2012 9:45 pm
Erk... so now wasn't the time to be playful, huh? It was rather early... but Chris had assumed, since Paris had made breakfast for them, that he was actually cheerful today... Maybe not.
He pulled back the second Paris pushed at him, staring at him sadly for a few moments, before settling back on his side of the bed. "Sorry," he quietly apologized, pulling the tray back over for the both of them to reach better. He supposed he should nix trying to force fruit into Paris's mouth... and messing around with the extra syrup... or just doing anything out of the ordinary.
Paris needed time. That was all. He would just give him some more time for his heart to try and heal and then things would get better. There was no need to worry, especially about things like their relationship. It would be entirely selfish for Chris to fault Paris for being upset after everything.
"Who says it doesn't have to be?" he wondered, although it was mostly to himself as he picked up his fork to fill it with pieces of the bread he'd cut up just earlier. It could still be a good day. Chris just hoped he hadn't been the one to ruin it with his teasing. Sometimes he just didn't know where to draw the line.
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Posted: Sat May 12, 2012 12:27 pm
Paris had thought he was cheerful today, too. Or he’d thought he was going to be. He felt a little lighter than usual, like there wasn’t such a heavy weight bearing down on him, but happiness still seemed like such a far off thing. He was trying, though it probably didn’t always seem as if he was. Maybe it never did. Maybe he was just doing everything wrong. He didn’t know how to grieve properly. All he could do was struggle through it and hope everything worked out.
He returned Chris’s sad look and watched him pull away. He felt like he was making Chris feel miserable, too—like his sadness was infecting his boyfriend and bringing down his spirits, and poisoning their relationship.
“I’m sorry,” Paris mumbled back.
He pushed himself up to sit again and shifted closer to Chris. He reached out with one hand to brush some of Chris’s hair behind his ear, then leaned in to place slow, lingering kisses along his scratchy jaw. It was both an attempt to comfort him as well as to distract him, to make up for his low mood and try to turn the conversation into a more pleasing direction.
“Let’s just finish breakfast and stay in bed for now. I’m sure we can find something to do to keep ourselves occupied,” he said, lowering his head to nuzzle the side of Chris’s neck. “And if we think of something else we want to do later, we’ll do it then.”
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