Danny stared up at her ceiling for what seemed like ages. She couldn’t shake it. Ever since Rikki went down by the blonde hunter’s gun. The agony in his eyes, the way he didn’t even get a chance to say anything before he died- see his mother and father. Then to come back and find Roch missing, presumably on the Famine Island, but who knew where he went during that time.

It got Danny to thinking, something she didn’t often do if you hadn’t noticed. The trials had set it in motion during her encounter with Simon, but the events on the horsemen islands had kicked it into full gear. Not her own death, but another’s had gotten the wheels turning. Hypothetical situations kept running through her mind. Rikki dying without a second chance, Roch betraying her, like in the cave on the war island, her own death by the hand of the blonde hunter. Everything turning out fine. Marrying Rikki. Growing old with Roch. Yin visiting her from time to time, just because, bringing Alex along with him. Getting her passport. Never seeing an of them again. Over and over, situations played as she lay there on her bed, unable to derive anything from them.

She was beginning to realize the fragility of the future, and it scared her. It scared the FEAR out of her. It only took a bullet to take it all away from her. It only took a fight with Roch. A misunderstanding with Yin. What if she never got to try on fun dresses because she upset Xiu somehow one day? What if she never had a single glaring contest with Edel? The situations all played out differently, and it was complicated for her mind to wrap around. What she understood was that it could all be gone in a matter of moments, and she had no way to protect. No way to protect her perfect future.

Somehow, she knew what she had to do. Danny rolled off her bed, tumbling over her desk and pulling out a piece of paper. It seemed rather simple and superficial, but she really had no choice in the matter. Danny doing something artistic would take too long, take too much effort. It had to be simple and to the point.

Who could she entrust it to? Rikki wouldn’t understand her intent. He’d insist upon refusing its purpose. Roch would forget about it—things like this didn’t have value to him. Maybe if she talked him into it enough … but that was too much work. Moure risked Edel finding it and embarrassing her. Bea would definitely read them—she was far too gossipy to ignore something this good. Yin. Yin could work. He would do it if she asked him, undoubtedly. He would treasure it, and keep it organized. His closest companion was Alex, and Danny couldn’t see how he might use it against her.

So it would be Yin.

Danny stared at the paper for quite some time. She scribbled things, crossed them out, rewrote them, rephrased things. She couldn’t decide exactly what she was trying to say at some points, but she was writing. She thought about starting with Rikki, but it was too hard. The words just wouldn’t come. Well she’d always been more comfortable with Roch. Rikki made her stomach do flops and she always had to wonder if she was doing things right with him. No, Roch was the better choice. She began writing.

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Rochester England Scythe. That sounds so stupid. Get a better name. Roch.
If you’re reading this, I’m dead.


She sat there for a moment just staring at the first sentence she’d written. It was odd how disconnected she felt from the word now. It wasn’t this big scary thing that loomed in the future- it was here, now, imminent, and she’d experienced it.

As she sat there, she realized how entirely stupid this was. Maybe she should just throw the paper away and not touch it again. That would probably be the smart thing to do. Oh well, Danny wasn’t smart.

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Don’t get mad at Yin, I asked him to do this.


It was just safe to add that. Just in case.

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It’s really really weird writing this to you when I’m still alive and talking about me being dead and st I’m really sorry. Really really sorry. I’m so sorry I left you alone like this. Please don’t be upset for a long time. A little upset is okay, a lot isn’t Roch. Are you even upset?


There was a thought. Roch would be upset, wouldn’t he? How long would he mope over her, if he did at all? Would he move on, or never really get over it? Danny thought about it for a moment about what she’d do if Roch died. She couldn’t do it. Imagining a world without her guitar playing punk boil best friend just wasn’t fathomable. It’d happened though, right?

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I guess that was kind of a stupid question. Um You’re the most important person to me. Or were I guess. I like lots of things about you. You’re really scary. Like when you swing Desiree around its super scary- don’t let anyone tell you you’re not. I like your stupid smile and how you throw parties for people you don’t even know. I like your grandpa and I guess your dad’s okay too. You’re stupid and I like that too. Even though you hate your blonde hair, I think it looks best on you.


She paused for a moment. It’d almost been a half hour by this time. Not only was it hard for her to focus, it was even harder for her to write this. She was already on the second page when a small mewling distracted her. Her little kitten was pawing at the chair, begging to be let up with its big grey eyes that startled Danny with how close they were to Roch’s every time. She sighed and reached down, picking up the kitten and placing it on her lap, where it mewed and put its head in her hand. Danny began petting it softly, and the little kitten curled up, perfectly content to stay in her lap forever. Danny went back to writing.

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Thank you for everything. For teaching me how to read sheet music, and for cutting my hair that one time. For skateboarding through Toys R Guts with me. For always eating pizza with me and … I don’t know, just being my best friend.

Can you check on Rikki? Well … I mean, Rikki if we’re still dating. If we’re not that’d be weird so don’t. Okay, can you just check on whoever I’m dating at the moment? Wait but I might not be dating someone. This is hard :C Can you just check on my family then I guess? I don’t think Oersted will be really upset, but my mummy and deadie might be. Maybe. You’re really the only one I can trust with that. You’d do that for me right?


This was getting off topic.

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Nevermind I guess. I love you Roch. No that sounds weird ‘cause you’re not Rikki and oh Jack this is just really You’re my favorite person in the whole wide world Roch. You mean more to me than even Rikki I think. Don’t stay sad and don’t be really angry either. The hunters … they’re messed up and horrible, but you’ve got to move on at some point. Get your revenge, but don’t stay focused on it. You’re better than that. You’re better than a lot of people Roch. You’re the best!!!


At the last second, she decided to add it anyways.
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I LOVE YOU BEST FRIEND!!!!!!!!
Danny.


She signed her name in her same capital script as the rest of the letter, the bubble letters easily taking up about three to four pages now. For a split second, she thought about throwing it away. It was incredibly embarrassing and hard for her to write, and the idea that Roch would read her words made her face twist up in the social awkwardness of it all.

But no, she was determined to do this. It was more important that a bit of blushing and embarrassed feelings.

It didn't stop her from shoving all of the papers off her desk and then shaking on her bed for a while.

Of course, she wasn’t about to do it all right now. That one letter had taken quite a bit of focus from her (not even counting the snack breaks and bathroom breaks and general lollygagging breaks in between!) and she needed to move and stretch. To the gym!

---

Sometime much later (as in, quite a few hours later) Danny found the pages sitting on her desk and remembered that she had set herself out to do something. She hadn’t seen Rikki much (though that wasn’t coincidence, she was avoiding him- go figure), and wasn’t quite in the right mindset to write his letter. So instead she dug through her drawer and found stickers, which she promptly decorated Roch’s with. Stickers were great, okay?

Eventually though, she knew she had to sit down and do it. Regardless of insecurities and suspicion, she loved him and needed him to know. Somehow writing this letter seemed a thousand times more impending and uncomfortable in comparison to Roch’s. Having the experience of already writing a letter, she started this one a bit differently.

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Rikki:

I don’t know what to put here. I can’t imagine me being dead without you, but I guess if you’re reading this it’s true. Augh Riri I really love you and I’m so sorry this happened. When you died in the famine room and I thought I lost you I just … I really didn’t know what to do. I still don’t. I can still remember all the details and stuff from that day and it plays over and over- I’m really not sure what’s the voices in my head and what’s not anymore and Rikki I just


She picked up her pen and let go of a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding. Calm down. Put the pen to the paper. Write.

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Sorry. The whole point is that I really love you. Like how sometimes I say something funny and it’s not really funny but you smile anyways. How you work really hard at the drums and care for them a lot and stuff. The cute face you make when you’re having good dreams and getting to be all worried when you’re not having good dreams ‘cause I get to be the only one who sees that face. How you stood up to my brother. Sometimes I think you guys would actually get along, but I don’t really think I want that. How I always know you’re coming because you make jingly noises when you walk. I love sleeping with you and to think that you don’t get that any more … I’m so sorry Rikki. I hate myself for dying in whatever way I did because …


She stopped and took a breath. Wasn’t she being sort of arrogant? It wasn’t like she was the only ghoul in Rikki’s life. She heard about a Percy from time to time, and there was still Neeancaht. Rikki would undoubtedly find another ghoul- it would be easy for him. He was so likeable, whereas she was not. The insanity insecurities overcame her, and Danny set the pen down finding something else to do.

---

Later, when it was late at night and the voices were subdued somewhat, she got back to work. She stared at what she’d written so far and felt stupid. It was so ghouly and cheesy. She really didn’t want Rikki to remember her like this, but the idea of rewriting it sounded so painful that she didn’t bother. She’d just persevere through the rest, and hope she could annunciate what she was trying to say.

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I don’t know I guess it doesn’t matter. I know this is kind of weird to say but … don’t be sad over me for long. You’re like … I don’t know would perfect be weird to say? You could easily get a better ghoulfriend. Wife. Whatever we are at this point.


Okay that one was hard to write. s**t. What if Rikki was married to her? What if they had scarelings? What then? Should she be writing letters to her unborn scarelings too? What if the hunters came and got them too? Her mind was racing and it was hard to look at the paper again. Maybe just one more break. No no, she had to finish this.

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You could probably get a better ghoulfriend now. I still don’t really get why you don’t. I’m really not that great.


The voices in her mind were getting more aggressive, but she tried to push it away. Writing about her insecurities seemed to satisfy them for momentary breaks, so she wrote about that. It was just what was easiest.

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Make sure my minipets are okay, alright? There’s no one better with animals than you to me … well maybe Demi or something because they actually ARE animals, but … I don’t know. It has to be you. That goes for all my stuff too. Share it with Roch and Yin okay? Michi can have some stuff I guess, and Bea too. And Alex. Gene. Oh, I hope you’re okay that I gave this letter to Yin. I … you would’ve refused it I think. Refused the idea that I was even dead. Yet here we are, huh?

I guess I’ll tell you the same thing I told Roch. Don’t stay sad too long and don’t be angry. You don’t need me to live your life, okay? You can find another ghoul like me I’m sure there’s jillions. I’m not that special, but you are, okay?

Does this letter sound stupid to you? I don’t even know what’s happened to us in the future. I guess if we’re through, just ignore all of this. It’ll sound like a stupid little demon ghoul babbling about a person you used to be. If you’re married to someone else just burn it or something. I don’t want to cause any problems or something I don’t know.


She bit her lip. Don’t try to imagine him with someone else. Just don’t.

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I’m sorry I never took you home to meet my mummy and deadie. I think they would’ve liked you. Everyone does, right? I’m sorry I didn’t take you to the music store that one time you wanted to, but I wanted to get food and you just went with me. I’m sorry we broke up that one time because if I knew something like this was going to happen, I would never ever ever let you go. Jack Rikki I love you, I really really do. I hope you got that out of all this. I don’t know what else to say really. You deserve someone like Edel or Sally or something and I’m just so … I don’t get why you picked me but I love you for it. And everything. Thank you Riri.

This whole letter doesn't even really cover it I guess. I'm not good at saying what I mean so ... I guess ... Yeah. I love you.

Danny


She set the pen down to find her hand shaking for the effort. Her hands clasped together, hugging her knees close to her so she could shake in peace. This one had been so painfully scary to write that she eventually just indulged in the voices and let them take over.

Sometime later she went to the office and picked up a form for a demonic mark. She knew Yin could be trusted, but … it needed to be official. This was something she’d thought about very seriously for once, and she couldn’t leave it up to word of mouth.