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If somebody had asked Alex how long he had been curled up in the large, comfortable chair in his room, shirtless, blood streaked, and grimy, he would not have been able to say. It could have been several days, or it may have just only been one. Maybe that's what the whispers in his head were trying to ask him, though he still had no idea what they were saying. Most of the time he was able to ignore it, too preoccupied with his own self pity....or possibly self loathing, it was hard to tell at this point precisely which of the two fit his dark thoughts better. He appeared listless, unmovable, unblinking, not breathing, staring off into space. Most of the time that he was doing this he tried very hard not to think. Thinking was dangerous, and he learnt that early on. All he could think about were reasons why Yin wouldn't want him anymore, if he ever did at all.

It was ridiculous really, and somewhere deep inside he knew that it was. He had given Yin plenty of opportunities to walk away, to just say no, to say that he was done. The weremantis had asked for a week to think about things in the beginning, and told Alex recently that mantodae don't even have a word for breaking up, which he assumed mean it just didn't happen. Why would he have led Alex on all of this time? Why would he make the zomboil believe that he was happy if he was not? It didn't add up to the doubts in his head, to the feelings of insecurity. During all of the battling against the phoenix, when they should have been fighting at each others sides, all he wanted to do was hurt Yin in some way, and he couldn't explain that either. He could only be grateful that he had not, because he had already hurt Yin too many times in the past and he wasn't sure he could ever forgive himself if he had done that again.

Logically, the conclusion was clear, but illogical Alex was the one in control right now. This Alex couldn't help but feel he had done something horrible, and that he had brought on all of this pain himself. Yin didn't want him anymore, and it was probably because the zomboil was too needy, or too much of a jack a**, or maybe it was a physical attraction thing. Zombies were not considered attractive, after all, and never mind the fact that Yin had complimented him on his looks. He was obviously just trying to be nice, at the time. There were just so many reasons, and if Alex let his thoughts roam at all, this is what they roamed to. All day long, over and over again, all of the reasons his bonded probably despised him.

And so lay Alex, a hollow eyed shell of what he might normally be. A corpse, unthinking, dead on the inside as well as out. The whispers came and went, though he wasn't sure they were ever truly gone, or if he was just getting used to them now. His pet, Fei, spent a lot of time staring at his master, eyeing him curiously, wondering what was wrong, and why he didn't move. Occasionally he would jump up on the chair, or up onto Alex himself, and make small little mewling noises, trying to get a reaction, though he never got one. At least the closet was ajar, so the vaisel, along with Alex's other pets, could come and go as they pleased. But Fei, for whatever reason, never left.

It was before Yin had even made it to the door that the vaisel perked up from where he lay curled up on the arm of Alex's chair, the zomboil did not notice in the slightest, not even blinking as Fei jumped down to the floor and made a beeline for the door. He sat there, eyes staring up at the doorknob, tail flicking back and forth, waiting for something, possibly sensing Yin, or hearing him. A muffled sound on the other side of the door and the vaisel let out a loud mewing type sound, then reached forward with one paw to scratch at the door, casting a glance over his shoulder towards Alex, practically willing the boil to notice, to get out of his chair, to do something.

But it was like Alexander just couldn't hear it, or just didn't care. He still didn't move. It was possible he was sleeping, or whatever it was that zombies did instead. Fei's strategy changed, as he turned back towards the door, meowing louder, longer, more urgently.

The door was unlocked. If Yin chose to investigate, he would find that he could indeed enter. If not...well, he might just need to knock a little louder.

More knocking, louder then before. Somewhere in the depths of Alex's mind he heard it, but still it never quite registered as something important enough to move himself for, though it had done enough to stir him, even if only the slightest bit. His eyes slowly blinked, he shifted the tiniest bit in his chair, but still he remained silent. Had there even been a noise at all, or was that just another fabrication of whatever was whispering in the back of his mind? He didn't know, couldn't really know for sure, unless he got out of the chair and looked.

Somehow he just didn't feel like doing that. So he turned his body, made sure his back was to the door, wrapped his arms around his pale, shirtless, blood streaked chest, turned his face so that he was staring at the back of the chair now. If it wasn't just his imagination, it was probably just some gnomes playing a prank. Nobody would come and see Alex, because really, why would they? Yes, that made the most sense. Gnomes.

Fei was making an awful racket though, and it was tempting to yell at the vaisel to shut up so that he could drift back off into unconsciousness peacefully.

When the door was opened, Fei sprang to life, darting around Yin's feet, rubbing against his ankles, grateful that the weremantis had opened the door. He then made a beeline back towards the chair, and the zomboil laying in it, raising up on his back legs, looking at Alex, looking back to Yin, back to Alex. He shifted back down to all fours, then moved around to the side of the chair to jump up on the arm nearest to Alex's head, reaching out a paw to bat at the zomboils hair, but getting no reaction, not even a growl of annoyance. The vaisel looked back to Yin, eyes wide and glowing faintly. It was as if he was pleading towards the other boil. 'Fix him.' those eyes seemed to say.

When the door was opened, Alex didn't even really notice. What he did notice, was a familiar voice saying his name, almost cutting through the haze but not quite. It was just a lie, just a trick his mind was playing on him. Yin couldn't possibly be here. He wouldn't bother. He squeezed his eyes shut tight as a shudder wracked his body.

How cruel was this.

But then his name came again, and the warm touch on his arm was too hard to ignore. That had to be real, at least. He didn't think his mind could fake that touch, that feeling of warmth. His eyes fluttered open, but he was scared to turn and look. What if he was really going crazy, and it wasn't just faint whispers and horrible insecurities that plagued him? What if it was becoming something more? There was only one way to find out really, so finally, slowly he turned his head, pale eyes blinking up towards Yin.

Yes, it was Yin. He was actually here. For some reason, he couldn't quite fathom why. Hadn't the other boil decided he didn't want him anymore?

No no, he never said that, you just assumed. You assume too much, it's one of your many flaws. He thought to himself. He maybe stared up at Yin just the smallest bit too long, not saying anything, not reacting at all. He wanted to smile, felt like his heart might stop in his chest just from seeing him, (only if his heart actually beat, which it doesn't). Eventually, a confused look might have crossed his face. He had not really been expecting the other boil, and wasn't quite sure what it meant.

You told him to come if he wanted you, and he's here. What's so difficult to understand about that?

But that seemed too good to be true, really, and much better then he deserved, because yes, he still felt as though he may have done some horrible thing, though he still wasn't sure what.

All these contradicting thoughts, swirling through his head. Only one thing was really important though, and that was that Yin was here. He was standing there, in the flesh, and that was enough to make Alex uncurl from his position, his body stiff from lying in the same position for so long and barely moving, He was sitting up now, brow still furrowed in confusion, and he was staring down at the hands in his lap. Finally he looked up from where he was seated, as one clear conclusion came to mind. "Yin.." His voice was hoarse, raspy, broken.

"I...I think I might be sick." He looked miserable enough to be sick, anyways, and probably smelt awful, considering how long it'd been since he had actually cleaned himself, and how much of the blood streaking his body was the rotting dark fluid that had come from his own undead veins.

Nurse Cricket? Alex reached up two hands to rub at his face, then brought them up to push back his hair and then rested them there, atop his head as he looked up at Yin, not sure how to explain why he didn't think Nurse Cricket would be able to help in this situation. Though then again, maybe he wasn't the only one who was being inflicted with this...whatever it was. Though Yin certainly didn't look as haggard and rough as Alex felt, he still didn't quite look his usual self either.

Still, this was Yin. If he couldn't trust anybody else, he could at least trust him. At least, part of him thought he could, the part that wasn't giving in to all of this self doubt.

"I don't know if she's really one who can deal with this, Yin. I'm...hearing things, whispers. Sometimes I can ignore it, most of the time, if I concentrate on other things. And I feel awful, like...like nobody wants me. And I don't think that's true, but the feelings are there just the same. I don't know what's wrong with me, and I just want it to stop." He choked that last part out, because admitting it out loud, about how weak he was, about how he couldn't handle this, was hard.

"Please just..I know I'm being too needy, and that I rely on you too much, and that you probably hate me for it but...you're not going to leave me, are you? Just tell me that these thoughts in my head are wrong...please..."

Alex let his hands drop down to his sides, confession made, he now just needed to wait for Yin's reply. Whatever he said now could break him completely, or it could give him hope that the things that he was feeling were not actually true at all. The first thing Yin said, that was reassuring, though it was also quite awful to think the the weremantis had had to experience the same thing he was going through right now. But Yin's had gone away, that was good. Even if Alex's never did, at least Yin wouldn't have to suffer more. That made him feel a tiny bit better.

And then Yin was smiling, and it...looked genuine. Or maybe Alex was just desperate for something, anything, to indicate that things were going to be okay. His words did help, they somehow managed to cut through the haze, warmed him up, made him able to smile maybe just a little bit himself, though it was barely even a twitching of lips. There was a hand suddenly in front of him, a gloved hand. Yin was wearing the present he had bought for him, which somehow gave more truth the words the weremantis gave. He reached up, tentatively, and placed his hand in Yin's, though no, he didn't use it to help get out of the chair, though he might have been more then tempted to draw Yin down into his lap. Somehow, however, he retained enough sense to realize that in his current state, that coming near him might be less then savory.

"I'll always want you with me." He murmured, in that rough, raspy voice, almost embarrassed, still fighting back the doubt. And then, he frowned, looking almost puzzled.

"How many days has it been since we...got back?" He really had no idea, but Yin might.

If Yin was showing that there was anything wrong, Alex just wasn't noticing it. Sometimes it might have even appeared that the zomboil was staring at something in the distance, his head cocked slightly to the side as though listening to something. Then, he would shiver, and blink and would suddenly be back again. This only ever lasted for a few seconds, but it was odd behavior, nonetheless. The one thing that he felt like was keeping him tethered to reality at the moment was the warm, glove covered hand in his. He never wanted to let go but he knew the moment would come. Yin would get too cold, especially down here in Alex's bedroom. He wouldn't be able to take it anymore, he would leave and who knew when the zombie boil would ever see him again, if at all.

Yep, his head was still running off on that little tangent whenever it got the chance to do so. He shook his head slightly as if to clear it, to try and think through the unreasonable and mostly ridiculous thoughts that were residing there. "A..A day? That's it?" That was...nice in one way and horrible in another. It meant that Yin had come to see him much faster then the zomboil had first believed. But at the same time...only a day? He had felt like he had been going through this misery for much longer. Though Yin had said he'd experienced the same thing for a time and it had gone, so there was still hope that it might fade away soon.

He hoped to jack that it did.

Yin was holding something now, and Alex had to blink a few times again, completely startled, his hand tightening on Yin's slightly. When had the other boil pulled that out? He needed to pay better attention.

"Thanks.." He said, quietly, while reaching out with his own free hand to take it. He brought it down in front of him, staring blankly at the black screen, wondering if anybody had tried to call, or text, in the day that he had been without it. Scared to look, because he was frightened that it might mean that nobody cared. His thumb traced the screen, and it blazed to life. He continued to stare at the slide to unlock key at the bottom, tempted to do so but at the same time...

No, he couldn't handle knowing. Not knowing was better, for now.

Finally he looked up, and he gave Yin a shaky smile, though it was very forced. "It's no problem. I forgot to ask you for it. My own fault, really." How very badly he wanted to throw this phone across the room right now.

Finally, he loosened his grip on Yin's hand, and let his arm fall back down to his side, his hand resting in his lap, but not after one final squeeze to reassure himself that Yin was really there. He looked down, then, taking a deep breath, looked back up at Yin. "I uh...I'm really glad you're here, and I..I really wish you could stay, or I could stay with you but...I'm scared, Yin." And his face showed it, that fear of what was happening, of what might happen if it didn't stop, or if it for some reason got worse. "I'm scared that I'm going to say something, or do something to hurt you, or to make you...leave...I'm just really not myself. This isn't me, and I don't want to burden you with this."

He licked at his lips, which suddenly felt dry. His chest felt too tight, as he began to basically tell his boilfriend, the one person he felt like he needed the most, that he was going to try to deal with this on his own, because he felt like it would be for the best. Some part of him told him that this would be the right thing to do right now. Yin didn't need to watch over him right now. He had his own life, his own friends, his own routines. Alex felt like he would just get in the way of that, and the last thing he wanted was for Yin to resent him. But how to explain that without making things worse...?

"Maybe if you just..stay for a while, and I can get myself cleaned up at least. Maybe we can get something to eat, or..I dunno. We can get out of here so you aren't so cold. But afterwards, later, I think I should just be alone, until whatever this is passes."

He hoped Yin understood.

Alex did want Yin to be with him through this, and it was killing him to tell the weremantis otherwise, if the pain in his chest and the way his throat was suddenly constricting were any indication. It just didn't seem right, and it didn't seem fair, for Yin to have to deal with this, though. The other boil..he had been having issues lately. He wouldn't tell Alexander what those issues were, but it had been obvious for..well, the last week, really, that something was wrong. To force himself on Yin, to make the weremantis have to deal with his own issues as well as Alex's..it would just be cruel. He couldn't and wouldn't do that to him.

At least Yin was smiling when he finished, even if it didn't look quite right. He would take the not quite right smile over having the mantodae storm out of the room, saying he was never going to come back. And he sounded so calm when he spoke, it was almost soothing. Alexander found himself nodding along slowly. "And..and maybe we could eat outside, where it's warmer? Then you won't have to come back down here and freeze." He smiled just the tiniest bit, because this was going fairly well so far.

He pushed himself a little unsteadily to his feet, his body still stiff from it's curled up position in the chair for so long. He was looking down at Yin now, and he reached over to clasp the boils hand once more, deciding he was not quite willing to give up contact quite Yet. He would wait for Yin to lead him out of the room though. He was having doubts about going out into that hallway, like something bad might happen if they left this room. What dangers could lurk beyond that doorway? If it was entirely up to him, he'd probably never even leave this room. He was relying on Yin to get him out that door, just like he would be relying on him 24/7 if he stayed with him after this.

And that's why, again, he couldn't do it.

Alex nodded his assent, though it was easier to agree to come up on his own now, with Yin's hand in his, with the weremantis there so close to him, then it would be once he was all alone again. He tried not to worry about that too much right at the moment, though. That was a hurdle to overcome at a later time. If he thought Yin would let him drag him into the shower with him, he would, but he somehow doubted the weremantis would appreciated the icy cool temperatures he chose to wash himself in. This was the best plan, really, and so he let himself be pulled along, led like a timid scareling, out of the room and into the hallway.

If Alex had known that Yin wouldn't mind being wrapped up in his arms, he would have not hesitated to do it. As it was, he was afraid that the hand holding was too much, that Yin did not like it, because really, when had Yin ever really appreciated physical contact in the past? It was hard now to even think of the times that Yin had initiated it, though there were a few. He thought that if he did, he would upset Yin further, drive a bigger wedge between them, give the weremantis more reason to hate him. So hand holding it was, for now, until he could work up the courage to do something more, if he could work up the courage to do more.

When Yin left, Alex had to fight to let go, to let him leave, afraid again that he wouldn't see him again. He had to tell himself again and again that this was normal, that nothing was wrong, he had agreed to this. He finally turned and made his way towards the showers, though there was something chilling about being in this cold hallway, all alone. It felt like something was watching him, and he had to fight not to look over his shoulder. Paranoia was a witch.

Alex had gotten himself cleaned up without any incidents or problems, minus the faint whisperings in the back of his head that were determined not to quit just at the moment. It took some time in the shower to get rid of all the grime, to be able to run his fingers through his mass of hair without becoming entangled. The blood washed away, leaving little behind to show what had actually occurred, and the rest would likely fade as well. The slashes on his arms were barely noticeable, the bullet wounds all but vanished. Only the deepest of cuts still left visible markings, but he could hide those beneath his clothes when he got dressed.

Making his way back to his room, he almost hurried along, dripping all over the hallway as he shambled along in nothing but a towel. He had left his jeans, which were disgusting, back in the shower room. The could have probably been salvaged, but he didn't want them to be. He didn't need any reminders of what had happened.

Back to his room, door open and closed behind him, Closet door pulled open wide. Clothes, new clothes, clean clothes. He pulled on one of his button up shirts, stepped into a pair of black pants. His usual attire really. He reached for a tie, and hesitated, a brief flashback of having Yin grab at his tie, yanking him down so they were eye level, the tie itself digging into the back of his neck, cutting into his stitches...It made him shudder, and his hand dropped back to his side. Instead, he grabbed for a white hoodie, a clean one, and pulled it down over his head, his hair, still sodden, quickly soaking into the hood that rested at the base of his head. He didn't need to wear a tie. It wasn't such a strange thing if he didn't, right? And who would even notice, with the hoodie on, anyways?

And now the hard part, forcing himself back out of his room. Somehow he finally managed to convince himself that it was okay, that Yin was waiting for him, somewhere, just outside the doors of the dorm, perhaps. Surely the other boil would have been long finished with his hunting by now! And of course, this is what Alex had agreed to do. So, with slow, dragging footsteps, he made his way out into the hallway. Fei followed, barely squeezing through the gap in the door in time before it clicked shut behind them. The vaisel rubbed up against his leg, looking up at him, ready to go to Yin's room, more then likely.

The poor guy was going to be terribly disappointed later.

It took him ages to get to the doors leading outside, and when he reached them he stopped again. This was another big step, going outside. It felt more dangerous then even just leaving his room. But it was what needed to be done. hands up, he pushed the doors open, and made is way outside. Face grim, eyes scanning the area. Yin wasn't far away and he felt instantly relieved. The weremantis had done what he had said, had gone hunting, and had come back to wait. He shuffled over towards him, hands finding there way into the front pocket of his hoodie. He sat down next to Yin, close beside him, and let his gaze drift to the food laid down in front of him longingly. When was the last time he had eaten? It had been a week, when he and Yin had met up, then he had gotten a bite out of that hunter...

And that had been it.

Hunger was over taking him now, and it helped to clear his mind of anything else. It was a simple thing, and one of Alex's most basis of instincts. Hunger, food, eat, consume. "Thank you.." He said, eyes shifting towards Yin, a small smile on his face. "I hope I didn't make you wait too long.." His voice was quiet, timid, as though he was afraid of saying the wrong thing and making Yin upset, the small smile slipping from his face as worry filled his gaze.