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OK, at the moment, my life is messed up. There are good reasons for this. I'm not saying it is bad or anything, just that I have no idea what it will be like tomorow or next week, let alone a month or even year from now.

Here is a brief outline of some of my friends and our relationships. Not using names just to make me feel better. Posting it here, by the way, to keep some degree of privacy. I need to vent this, but can't really in public. You guys I can trust to some extent.

Firstly, you have me. Your friendly neighbourhood atheist physics student. Liberal, with a liking for heavy music and the drink. More or less standard for uni life. I have a tendancy to try to make friends with anyone who I meet, particularly girls. Even if I have no romantic interest at all, it is worth having female friends. I tend to be quite defensive of anyone who I like, and hate seeing friends upset up hurting. I love to discuss religion, politics, science, philosophy or whatever else you care to throw out there, particularly with people I like.

Next, and most importantly, there is a particular girl. Lets call her J. She was my lab partner all the way thought the last two terms. A liberal, anglican Christian with very strong faith, and a love of discussing such things. A real beauty, and great fun to be with. We share totaly our musical tastes, most of our senses of humor, and a dozen other factors. We have had what you may call a slow burner relationship. Basicaly been falling in love for the last few months. OK, falling deeper in love. We just clicked, and understand each other more or less perfectly. Even when debating on opposite sides.

Been hanging out a lot, and going out as part of a group, or meeting up on nights out for a while now. Even spent valentines day together, albeit in a metal club. We have been trying to hide our feelings from one another, but it kinda fell apart the last few weeks, coming to a head last Saturday. The Saturday before I finaly realised just how deep her feelings for me were. Then we went out for a normal evening of Indi music, headed back to a mutual friends room for a DVD and drink, then went back to hers for a chat. Last time we did this, months ago, we were up all night just talking. This time I didn't leave the room till midnight, the next day.

Basicaly, we confessed all. The rest of the time was spent trying to work out what we should do next, and how much our timing sucked.

See, things are not as simple as that last part made them sound. There are good reasons that we didn't hook up earlier.

The first is D. He is her long term boyfriend of two years, who happens to go to another university. They have a somewhat rocky relationship, and she has spent a lot of time wondering if it is worth fighting for the relationship. I always supported her in the past, reasuring her and trying to help. I would hate it if I was the reason they split up. Of course, now she is still with him. Even though we are in love, and have both said how much we want to be together, I still couldn't bear it if she destroyed her and someone elses life for me. The guy has been a part of her life longer than me, and their lifes are intertwined in a way that ours won't be for a good while yet.

This week was her birthday. D came up for this. As did her whole family. I have spent most of my time trying to avoid them all. Apparently she told her mother (something) about me, and she wanted to speak to me. Couldn't have handled that just yet. I have no idea what she has said to D, but doubt it is much. The girl is too nice and gentle to do anything that would hurt him that much.

Oh, and if you think that is complicated, just you wait.

See, even while I was falling in love with J, I had a long distance friendship with someone else that had always been somewhat special. I was kinda in denial about J, and so was actualy looking for something somewhere else at the time. Normaly this girl, F, lives in Germany, but she came over to London for new years. I decided to go down and show her around for a week. Turned into the most romantic week of my life. The relationship was very short, and we both agreed not to carry it on, but the feelings were hot and sort of burned me out for the first few weeks after I got back, with the result of me neglecting friendships and making a few mistakes in the first couple of weeks.

During this time I fell more into the small group of friends I had in my course. J was the center, and in the first two weeks stepped up to the status of my best friend, even as my feelings deepened. Another of the important ones was A. This girl is very special. Smart, kind, sensitive and open, she was one of the first people I knew on the course, and is someone I will be around for four years. The problem here is she has an inexplicable crush on me, that I just can't return. We have discussed this, but things are still not comfortable, and I happen to know that she has already turned down another offer of a relationship elsewhere. We are friends, but pursuading her that that is enough is hard. It is partly this that has kept me and J going slow. While A has probably picked up on our feelings, to be open around her would feel cruel to me. And we are around A almost every time we are together.

There are more factors and more people who mess things up even further, but I think the basic outline there is more than enough to be going with.

The problem now is that, while D is up, me and J can't really even speak about things any more. That is what normaly kept me going; just being with her and talking about things. We could talk about just about anything. Now I have no-one to discuss these things with, at the time when I need it the most. Whats more, I have no idea how J is handling this. To some extent this is even worse than my own feelings. She must be feeling so guilty...

My options are non-existant. See, the 'right thing', leaving her to be with D and trying to find something else, may work, but would rip both our hearts out, and probably destroy our friendship group. I would be losing a best friend if I did this, and I know that it would hurt her to see me with someone else. Similarly, my feelings for her wouldn't just turn off, and it would be cruel and painful to find someone else, knowing that there was someone else I would rather be with. Maybe in time someone else would come along, but I doubt it would be this perfect.

Just to make things that bit worse, we are living together next year. Along with five other people, but even so. Even if we can't be together, we have to be friends. This is not a choice we have to make. It is natural for us. The question is, how to get to a point where we are either together or just best friends without having to suffer too badly?

As of Monday, I should have answers. Till then, my head is going to be going non-stop.

Anyone a mangaka here...this is great story..

ahem, anyway >>||

To tell you the truth, I think you're trying to please everyone too much. This is why I'm basically what you would call a loner in school xd Friends, too many times, make things too complicated, no matter how many you have.

I think you need to give yourself some time off the whole "friendship" thing. It's easy for me to say, yea, but hey, you wanted advice, and this is it.

Stop and give yourself some time to think. Focus on other things that doesn't involve people, like taking a walk in the park alone. One thing I find useful for myself is talking to myself (>> I swear, I dun have schzofrenia [sp]) Talk to yourself in the mirror and see how you'd look or want to look when you have to have some talks with your friends. Take that time to sort out what you want to say. Scream and be mad if you have to, it'll get any anger or confusion out of your head. Listen to yourself talk so you can hear what you're saying, you might realize how irrational you'll sound and change what you want to say from there.
Last night I got really mad at my orchestra small group cuz non of them cared about our music and the compeition was coming up fast. So I talked to myself about it and I eventually decided that I'll be doing all of us a favor by tightening up where we're slacking off instead of yelling their heads off.

O, and I would personally advise against dating interfaithly. I just don't believe in dating with people outside your branch of faith.

Your situation is just too complicated...Normally I'd say "talk to Jesus" but I guess it doesn't work for you...>>||

Lets see.

Guitar, that is kinda the way things are going now. I'm fairly sure that it will even out more (spoke to A for a few hours last night, and more or less got that side sorted out), but yeah, the first sentence was more or less a perfect summary of how things are at the moment.

Possessed, while you can control your emotions, you can't just turn them off. We have been controling them for months now. It just took one little slip up and we couldn't handle it any more. This one goes beyond just the basic emotions to the root of who we are as people. We can't change that.

Elenoa, don't even think about it. I am taking the rights out on this one. Its worth its own series at least.

But I have been something of a loner all my life. I have never even dated that much, and always just had a close knit group of friends. Now I am at Uni, I have changed somewhat. It is better. The problem comes that the new network of friends I made crumbled somewhat, and I have been trying to pull it back together. It is a part of my nature; I see someone hurting and I try to help them. I can't stop it, and I can't change it.

At the moment, I have the rest of the weekend before I can talk to her again, and have been going over possibilities in my head for about the last three weeks. Rationality is important to me, but trying to rationalise someone elses feelings just doesn't work.

What I want out of this is her to be happy, and to be able to be there for her in whatever role she needs me. The problem at the moment is not knowing what she needs, so not being able to think things through properly.

As for the interfaith thing, I have never had a problem, and her current boyfriend is atheist/agnostic (she has been working on him for two years) as well.

Definately not. I do need them, in many ways. I could survive alone, but what kind of life would that be?

And who would I hang out with?The same is true of any relationship. Unless you take a few risks, you will never have anything worthwhile. Anyway, I feel that we have a good chance if something did happen. Just a few slips and comments that let me see she is thinking the same things as me.

And even if something did tear us apart, at least we would have had the time together. Sometimes even a week is better than nothing.Well, I don't think they are that strongly religious actualy. She talks about them a lot, and has actualy spoken about the basics of the situation with her Mom, who was apparently very understanding and actualy wanted to meet me. Seeing as D is an atheist as well, I doubt that would be a problem. The only real thing there is that they apparently like D, and that would alienate us somewhat, for a while at least.

Of course, the fact that we don't live at home anymore means that our familes can come second. Still important, and hers seems very supportivee, but they are not the ones who see her every day, having to share her pain and try to keep her happy.No, it just is the worse possibility really. Having to deny these feelings any longer would be cruel to both of us, and breaking off the friendship would basicaly be denying who we are.Well, come Monday I can find out how she is feeling about all this and what she has decided (if anything). From there, we can work out how to move on. Probably going to go out with the group again on Tuesday, so that is another opertunity to... well, it all depends.

Really, the next few weeks will be strange, no matter what. Situation is going to change time after time between now and Easter, but hopefuly we can have something worked out by then. After easter, we will either be together or be best friends again. That gives us the last ten weeks (of the last term) to get comfortable with the roles and sort ourselfs out properly before summer, and then living together next year.

Beyond that, who knows. Sounds like a long term plan, but really it isn't. These are all things we have already had to think about and plan out. The long term stuff, which we had a silly half hour talking about, gets rather strange.

If J's relationship was rocky with D and and end was possible, I'd say persure her.
I know how it can be to live many miles away from your significant other and want that companionship that you can't get. My girlfriend goes to college 250 some miles away.
It's easy to connect as you have with someone that shares many common interests and is a suitable talking partner. I've been there too, sort of.
At this point, I guess I can only suggest not to let it go. If D turns out not to be worth her time and effort anymore, who knows?
Of course, every relationship has it's rocky moments. If a relationship is never tested, how strong can you know it really is?

I guess my advice is just don't give in.

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Hrm I wonder how Tan is now...? O_o