The List
1. Know the damn characters.
2. Harry is not EVIL.
3. Neither is Ron.
4. Neither is Neville.
5. For that matter, all Gryffindors are, on the very basic level, good guys.
6. You can make them evil IF you actually give a plausible back story.
7. PS/SS Chapter 5: "There's not a single witch or wizard who went bad who wasn't in Slytherin." -Hagrid, but he's lying because Sirius Black (although it was really Pettigrew who turned) was in Gryffindor.
8. Dumbledore is not omnipotent. He's had some pretty big things happen right under his nose.
9. Alcoholism isn't terribly entertaining.
10. Same with drug use.
11. No matter how fascinating you find your very own self-insertion who can resist Unforgivable Curses with impunity, wrap Dumbledore AND Snape around his/her little finger, score higher than Hermione, outfly Harry, beat Ron at chess, and so on and so forth, chances are you're the only one.
12. Sex is ok if you do it well.
13. It is pointless to cripple a character and then hand over magic spells/abilities that effectively cancel the injury.
14. When making up your own character - don't have them be so damn perfect.
15. Do NOT have your new character immediately score with your personal fav witch/wizard of the opposite sex.
15a. Same as above, only substitute for "same sex."
16. No special powers to the new character either.
17. Just because you're gay, that doesn't mean your favourite witch/wizard is too.
17a. Same as above, only substitute for "transvestite."
18. Harry becoming a vampire just so you can cross with Buffy is extremely stupid.
19. When writing sex, remember to actually stay in character. For example - Hermione isn't a whore.
20. Evil clones are kinda stupid when you really think about it.
21. Never, ever assume that the audience remembers what happened in the last book.
22. Dean should never use the word '*****.'
23. In general, racism is a tad heavy for an HP fic.
24. You'd better keep the characters consistent to the books. Example - Hermione isn't a whore.
25. When crossing story lines with other fandoms, pick something that people have heard of.
26. Transfer students are a pretty dumb idea.
27. Transfer students from America with hoopy special powers are a really dumb idea.
28. Draco is not fluffy. He was raised by a Death Eater.
29. Death Eaters are not fluffy.
30. Draco is not likely to fall in love with a Mudblood.
31. Harry does not need additional hoopy magic powers.
31a. For that matter neither does anyone else.
32. If Sirius is walking around like a free man, you'd best explain why.
33. If Sirius has been proven innocent, give some details.
34. Harry and Draco are not likely to let 4+ years of unrelenting hatred go without a major back story.
34a. I don't care how horny they are, they still hate each other.
35. No matter how much you want it, Snape is not attractive (except in the movie), so you'd best explain his makeover.
36. Not all Slytherins are evil.
37. Slytherin is not short-hand for 'Death Eater in Training'
38. Know the damn characters.
39. There are more characters than you think.
40. Percy can be an interesting character.
41. Ginny is not a shagtoy.
42. Chamber of Secrets aside, Ginny is not EVIL. We would have noticed by now.
43. When writing MWPP fics, remember that Peter is not EVIL yet.
44. Until JKR says otherwise, MWPP were not collectively known as the Marauders. Learn about punctuation.
45. Crabbe and Goyle are essentially non-characters.
46. Lucius has better things to do than try to have sex with anything with legs.
47. Harry is not secretly related to any of the bad guys.
47a. This includes Voldemort. (Thanks Jayde!)
48. No sex scene should EVER involve Dobby (or any other house elf for that matter) unless it involves ONLY house elves.
49. Draco is not the Heir of Slytherin (in a genetic sense).
50. Draco and Ginny need a significant back story before they will ever be a couple.
51. Hagrid should never be described as looking 'sexy.'
52. House elves can be used to add both humor and atmosphere.
53. Students and teachers should not be romantically involved.
54. Your sex scenes are cheesy. Accept it.
55. Harry is not a qualified gardener, so enough with the freelance landscaping.
56. Harry does not have a 24/7 spy cam into Voldemort's thoughts, vision, dreams, life, etc.
57. Hair does not take three paragraphs to describe.
58. Snape is technically a good guy, so give him the damn DADA job.
59. There is no such thing as a Foreplay Fairy. Virgins have little to no clue what they're doing, so your sex scenes should reflect that. Also, see #54.
60. Voldemort didn't become the most powerful Dark wizard by being careless and/or stupid.
61. Anyone (read 'Harry') having multiple Animagus forms is a really dumb idea.
62. Mrs. Weasley is not likely to discuss sex on Platform 9 & 3/4.
63. It's really stupid of Harry to go anywhere without his wand, even if he can't legally do magic.
64. Ron might actually approve of his little sister dating Harry. "After all, it could be Malfoy."
65. You cannot Apparate on the grounds of Hogwarts.
66. Apparate and Disapparate do not mean the exact same thing, so stop interchanging them.
67. Hermione is not likely to shag Seamus' brains out and then curl up next to Harry.
68. Don't take out your mental illness on HP. This includes such things as Hermione/Crookshanks, Harry/Dead!James (yak!!!), Harry/Hedwig, Ron/Scabbers, and so forth. (Thanks Jayde!)
69. Ron does not have to be great at Quidditch.
70. Neither does Ginny.
71. In general, communing with spirit animals is cool, but can also be super dumb with just a stroke of the pen.
72. Enough with Lupin communing with wolves.
72a. And on that note, there are no wild wolves in the UK.
73. Lupin makes a damn good DADA professor.
74. Know the damn characters.
75. If you're going to write a sixth year fic (or any fic that skips years) then you'd better let us know what happened in the previous years.
76. And on that note, excessive flashbacks are annoying. Write a separate fic.
77. Under no circumstances should giant mecha ever appear in the wizarding world.
78. Likewise, the Gundam characters are not really wizards or students at Hogwarts.
79. Songfics are annoying.
79a. Songfics that have a character listening to a song and being wistful about someone are -really- annoying.
79b. Songfics require actual writing, not just song lyrics with names thrown in.
79c. Songfics about the older generations (MWPP/L, Founders, et al) should not be centered around today's music.
79d. And while we're on the subject, make sure you credit the ORIGINAL writer/singer rather than the current pop star who is covering it. (Thanks Ryven!)
79e. CD players do not work at Hogwarts. (Thanks Tepmurt!)
79f. Pureblooded wizards (Ron, Ginny, etc) more than likely do not listen to American Muggle pop music seeing as how they live in the UK and grew up in the wizarding world which has its own famous musicians.
80. Under no circumstances should Snape be covered with syrup.
80a. Especially if it somehow involves Lucius Malfoy.
81. Nobody wants stories about Crabbe and Goyle.
82. Nobody wants stories about Seamus and Dean either.
83. (Deliberate) Wandless magic is classified as a hoopy special power. See rule #31.
84. Apparition is a self thing only. You cannot transport other people.
85. Raping Hermione and/or Ginny seldom serves any real plot.
86. Harry being raped by his uncle stopped being amusing a long time ago.
87. Harry's bitching about how cruel the Muggles are to him is about as interesting as Draco whinging about his dad's expectations of him.
88. Likewise, nobody cares about Draco's problems.
89. Don't screw around with mythology unless you know what you're doing.
90. For all intents and purposes, Founder fics are really about four Mary Sues.
91. Don't take out your mental illness on HP. This includes such things as Harry being suicidal; playing with knives, guns, eating pills, coiling nooses, and such.
92. Muggles suddenly becoming magical because of a curse cast by Dark wizards is stupid.
93. Sirius tried to get Snape killed, ergo he does not have a secret crush on him.
94. Fights about jealousy have been done to death.
95. Ron being insanely jealous is like whipping dried glue.
96. Enough with Moony and Padfoot chasing cats.
97. The next person to make a play on Sirius/serious gets mailbombed.
98. Male characters becoming pregnant is a really moronic idea so don't bother.
99. Harry would never be sent to live with Snape or Malfoy.
100. Trying to explain what the Department of Mysteries is or what it does will probably turn out very dumb. It's called the Department of Mysteries for a reason. Leave it alone.
101. Any rule can be violated by a good author.
102. You are probably not a good author.
103. Hermione does not have a nickname. I assure you, we would have seen it in print by now.
104. Ginny is not a masochist.
105. James Potter coming back to life is largely unneccessary.
105a. James coming back just to have sex with Harry is completely unneccessary.
106. Stop describing people as "mysterious" as it gets VERY annoying.
107. Draco being Sorted to a different House...
107a. ...only to use him as a replacement for Hermione or Ron is really pointless.
107b. ...needs a really good plot.
107c. ...has a lot of potential, so make sure you're up to it.
108. Dark Marks are not distributed like candy at Halloween.
109. AU fics that rewrite canon can be masterfully told but can also be super dumb with just a few keystrokes.
110. Alan Greenspan becoming Headmaster of Hogwarts is a really dumb idea.
111. "Sudden incidents" that make a character see someone "in a whole new light" are very obvious plot devices. STOP IT!
112. Enough of having the new DADA professor be Snape's old/new flame.
113. DADA profs don't have to secretly be Dark wizards/Death Eaters. (Thanks Hannah Bell!)
114. Stop writing summaries filled with questions. Don't make us tell you what the fic is about.
115. Do not name your original character "Destiny" or "Fate" or anything else so BLEEDING OBVIOUS!!
116. Know the damn characters. (Hey, you knew I was going to say it at some point.)
117. Dumbledore would not think that teaching Harry the Dark Arts is a good idea.
118. Oliver is not gay. He's not straight either. He lives, breathes, and sleeps Quidditch.
119. I am so bloody sick of the phrase "the final battle."
120. I promise you, Draco would never be taking Muggle Studies.
121. Going into the Forbidden Forest does not get you glory, it only gets you dead.
122. Being Head Boy/Girl does not mean you get your own bathtub.
122a. Neither does it mean you get your own room.
122b. Especially neither does it mean you -share- a room with your counterpart.
123. British people would never use the word "a**" unless talking about a donkey.
124. It is not good writing to elicit cheap laughs by using the words, 'tits,' 'botty,' 'wee-wee,' 'knickers,' 'knockers,' or 'semprini.' (Ten points to whoever gets the reference.)
125. Hermione does not count brushstrokes like Marsha Brady.
126. Why is it that no matter her age, Ginny is an expert at all things womanly (i.e., make-up, clothing, interior design)?
127. Apparating with a hangover (or while drunk or otherwise intoxicated) would probably splinch you.
128. Suddenly!Gay!Ron dating Suddenly!Gay!Draco doesn't work.
129. When writing OCs from America (which you will probably do despite everything I say to convince you otherwise), please bear in mind that nobody outside of Massachusetts (ok, New England if you want to be picky) should ever say something is, "Wicked cool!" or "Wicked good!" and so on. (For the record, still pronounced, "Wikkid!")
130. For cripe's sake, explain how they got the damn Map back!
131. Remus is not a Zen Master.
132. Enough with Ginny and diaries.
133. Riddle's memories were wiped from the diary. So sayeth Dumbledore.
134. Even if Ginny "somehow" got Riddle's diary again, and she "somehow" got it working again, I don't think she'd be stupid enough to use it.
135. Some ships just don't work. Ex., Voldie wants to KILL Harry, not schnoogle him.
136. Ordinary people do not taste of strawberries for no good reason.
137. Exchange students are stupid in Trio!Fics and they're just as stupid in MWPP!Fics.
138. Given the choice between a beautiful princess and Snape, Harry would choose the beautiful princess.
139. Lucius Malfoy would never be teaching at Hogwarts while Dumbledore is still in charge.
140. Cho isn't stupid; she knows that Harry likes her. Fics where she's not sure are dumb.
141. There needs to be a good reason for students in different years to be working on class projects together.
142. Prophecies about soulmates are stupid.
143. Corona is a beer (and not a very good one at that) and a word used to describe astronomical phenomena, not people.
144. Ron being poor and Hermione wearing a big honkin' diamond don't mesh.
145. Stories about fangirls being magically transported to Hogwarts are stupid.
146. Hermione and Ginny do not live in the same dormitory room.
147. Dark Wizards do know how to love (and also how to make love, but that's not against the rules either).
148. Harry hates the Muggle world.
149. Nobody I know would climb a whole lot of stairs and stand out in the bitter cold of the Scottish night (in winter no less) just for a few kisses.
149a. If you're doing more than kissing in the bitter cold of the Scottish night (in winter no less) you need your head examined.
150. I'm sick of the new DADA professor having a dark, haunted, brutal, or otherwise not happy and fluffy past. Psychologically unstable people should not be teachers.
151. Nobody goes on random walks to learn unexpected truths about his/her life.
152. "The truth" just isn't that shocking anymore.
153. Stop writing stories about Time-Turners.
153a. If you insist on writing a story about a Time-Turner, at least do the math. 1 turn equals 1 hour. 24 turns equals 1 day. 8766 turns equals 1 year. 157,788 turns equals 18 years. Nobody can fall down that many stairs and live.
153b. And also realize that one stair would not neccessarily mean one turn.
153c. Ergo, Hermione/Marauder fics are dumb.
153d. Time travel spells are just as dumb.
153e. But not as dumb as time travel potions.
154. No fic should be 90 chapters long. This means you, SlowFox! (btw, great fic!)
155. Gilderoy Lockhart should not be on a broom. He can't even hold onto his wand.
156. Neither Crabbe nor Goyle should be watching while Harry and Draco ... -do- things.
157. If you make up a Sorting Song, at least try to give it rhyme and meter. And you really should make up a song, unless the main characters miss the Sorting (and don't be lame and say, "Harry sank into his thoughts/memories/depression and didn't pay attention.")
158. Neville does -not- have a crush on Snape.
159. There should never be a character likened 'Hermerella' or 'Dracorella'. For that matter, leave classic fairy tales alone.
160. It's a -bad- idea for Hagrid to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. I should -not- have to tell you this.
161. Someone who has destiny on his side doesn't lose. That's what having destiny on your side means.
162. When is someone going to meet another person at the top of the Astronomy Tower for the purpose of throwing him or her off of it?
163. Songfics are bad, get it? Songfics within songfics are worse.
164. Voldemort is not out for Harry's blood. He already got some of that.
165. When using the movies as canon... just remember that Chris Columbus is perpetually stoned.
166. While I grant that mayhaps the Slytherins "keep it real", I'm quite sure that they don't use such terminology in the era of MWPP.
167. Importing television concepts (American Idol, Survivor, etc) to Hogwarts is massively retarded.
168. What is it about turning fifteen/sixteen and suddenly having to decide whether or not to be a Death Eater? No one is crafty enough to hide a big, ugly tattoo on his left arm, not when the baths are common.
169. You are not a Hogwarts character. Deal. (Thanks Clam Chowder! "That's 'Chow-Dah!'")
170. Being single does not make you gay. <- Rule of Life, learn it!
171. Do not cross with Star Trek. Ever. (Thanks Van!)
171a. Although Hagrid can raise Tribbles if he likes.
172. "Lord Voldemort" is pure-blooded; Tom Riddle is not. (Thanks Jayde!)
173. Ginny/Cho is a ludicrous prospect at best.
174. Cho Chang has -not- taken a public vow of chastity. Yet.
175. I very much doubt that there is only one, unisex, prefect's bathroom.
176a. Do not write fics while drunk, stoned, high, tripping, rolling, or dusted.
176b. Do not write fics while overdosed on sugar, caffeine, or while underdosed on sleep (or any combination thereof).
177. Ron would not call Hermione a Mudblood. (Yes, I've seen this.)
178. Truimphant!Voldemort fics can be really cool, but not if the only point is to ship a certain way. This includes things that would be filed under the category of "Not Bloody Likely" such as: Charlie/Hermione, Sirius/Cho, and Ron/Alicia.
179. Harry Potter as the Heir of Gryffindor has been done. And redone, and overdone, and beaten like a Bludger. Stop making it the focal point of your story. I know it's probably going to happen in canon, but it's driving me stark raving mad.
180. Hermione would be neither happy nor eager to see Fleur Delacour.
180a. Hermione wouldn't -date- Fleur either. (Thanks Jayde!)
181. Nobody at Hogwarts qualifies as a "sk8r boi."
182. Nobody should ever trust a Death Eater to keep his word.
183. British people can easily become embarassed.
184. The Yule Ball was a part of the Triwizard Tournament. Enough already.
185. About that skinny kid (Harry, Draco, whoever)... somebody give him a sandwich!
186. Redeemed!Draco does not have to be gay.
187. Hermione neither likes, trusts, nor studies prophecies and divination. No summary should have in it the phrase, "Hermione finds a prophecy," or anything remotely similar.
188. Harry should not be interested in either Ginny -or- Hermione if she looks like Lily Potter. That's something that Dr. Freud would have a field day with.
189. Stories about a character (Mary Sue) who decides that her Holy Crusade will be to make sure that {character 1} and {character 2} fall desperately in love are massively stupid.
190. Hermione is not Harry and Ron's f** hag.
190a. Neither is Ginny. (Spooky.)
191. Snape does -not- hate Harry because James rejected him.
191a. He is also not going to fall in love with Harry because he's "just like his father."
192. Snape was in love with Lily and it was his unrequited love that drove him to be a foul, murdering Death Eater who doesn't know how to wash his hair. Get a new plot, will you?
193. Harry has enough problems of his own; don't make him into everyone's confidant.
194. Mary Sue does not just come in the form of a student. She often comes in the form of a Professor. She almost always teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts. Beware combining this with the suggestion in Rule #192.
195. Why is it that people have just -one- original character?
195a. This is especially true in MWPP, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, certain year Gryffindor, certain year Slytherin, and future fics. Few names means more OCs, fool!
196. Very few authors can handle trilogies. Duologies are fine; singles are fine too.
197. Old!Dumbledore is -not- sexy!
198. Ron would not casually mention that he was going to try out for the team. He loves Quidditch.
199. "Extra credit" does not mean "sex."
200. Lucius does not talk to his cane. It is not his "precious."
201. Dumbledore should not be shagging students.
202. Just because you -can- do something does not mean you should.
203. Don't beg for readers or reviews. "If you build it, they will come."
204. If your protest against one of these rules is, "But I know this one fic where..." then don't bother. Once can be done. The rest probably suck.
205. Do not allow this list to give you plot bunnies!
206. You people are all insane. (Take that however you want to.)
207. Romance fics involving paintings can be well told. (See Deth plug. See Deth plug more.)
208. Quidditch is not canceled because of a little snow.
209. Don't tell us your fic is currently X/Y but will eventually be X/Z. That takes all the surprise out of it.
210. At the age of fifteen, Harry should just be coming into his own. Frequently.
211. Draco defying his father just isn't gasp-worthy anymore.
212. Portraitcest is defined as relations between characters in two paintings that were painted by the same artist using the same canisters of paint.
213. The wizarding world has no use for psuedo-Goths.
213a. Neither does the rest of the world.
213b. Please remember that all the real Goths are dead.
214. Hogwarts does have uniforms. No matter how ber-special your original character is, she can't go to class in blue jeans.
215. Snape having the greasy hair, yellow teeth, etc, etc, for the purpose of making people underestimate him is stupid.
215a. However, there are now such things as whitening toothpaste and shampoo for greasy hair. If you want to beautify Snape, consider investing in these products.
216. Having students skip years is just plain dumb.
217. If your Founder!fic has a Godric/Rowena/Salazar angle, I don't want to read it.
218. Incest is not the best. Do not put your sister/brother/mum/dad/cousin/aunt/uncle to the test.
219. While I don't doubt that Exploding Snape could be very interesting indeed, the proper name of the game is Exploding Snap.
220. Why is it always Crabbe and Goyle, why never Goyle and Crabbe?
221. The Cruciatus Curse does not give the good sort of pain.
222. You cannot put Imperius on animals.
223. Know the damn characters! (Very few people are obeying this Rule, hence it will be repeated.)
224. Script format is annoying.
224a. Narrative format with so few details as to resemble a script format is annoying.
225. Slyth!Harry does not have to be gay. (This is the counter to Rule 186)
225a. For proof, please read my fic, They Shook Hands
226. Not everything is subtext. Sometimes a wand is just a wand.
227. Your blatant subtext is not clever.
228. Any of the Harry Potter books falling through timeholes is a stupid idea.
229. With only a short time before OotP is released, don't start writing a fifth year fic.
229a. Now that OotP has been released, don't write a fifth year fic and call it 'Order of the Phoenix'
229b. Because OotP was... controversial, you are free to write AU fifth year if you so wish.
229c. In fact, please do so.
230. Ginny knows better than to get pregnant.
230a. So does Hermione.
231. It's really stupid if Hogwarts doesn't teach DADA anymore. (This Rule was written before OotP, and that book just proved the point.)
232. Tom Riddle is the last descendant of Salazar Slytherin.
232a. That means he does not have children.
232b. Especially not daughters who are Harry's age who transfer to Hogwarts.
233. There's no such thing as the Young Death Eater's Club.
234. Stop quoting Dumbledore's speech about choices.
235. Like Gilderoy Lockhart, Neville Longbottom really doesn't belong on a broom either.
235a. Let's include Peter Pettigrew on that list while we're at it.
236. Does anyone want to explain why Voldemort is suddenly way more ber-powerful than he was when he first rose to power? You say he is, but you never explain why.
237. Zacharias Smith is not a less evil version of Draco Malfoy.
238. Being raped and beaten is one plothook. Falling for Harry Potter is a second plothook. THEY ARE NOT CONNECTED!!!!!
239. Time vortexes do not just appear in convenient empty corridors at Hogwarts.
240. Unless your character comes from a different wizarding school, she does not know enough about magic to be placed higher than first year. Magical learning is cummulative. You certainly cannot start in seventh year. I mean, what's the point?
241. Harry having trouble sleeping is not a shocking revelation.
242. Tonks is a canon Sue. She's the Wesley Crusher of the Potterverse. Use her if you must, but do NOT abuse her.
243. Draco Malfoy wouldn't be caught dead in a Wal-Mart.
244. Know the damn characters!
245. Don't ever say that "Ron and Hermione make a decision." It should be "Hermione makes a decision and Ron is unable to convince her otherwise."
246. "Raging hormones" is not a plot idea, it's a fact of life.
247. There is no secret room in the Slytherin dungeons.
247a. This also includes Snape's office and quarters.
247b. Especially not secret torture/pleasure chambers.
248. The song for any Tonks songfic should be Modern English - I'll Stop The World (And Melt With You)
249. Wizarding abortions are probably less painful and messy than Muggle abortions.
250. "The prophecies have foretold the love of..." NO THEY HAVEN'T!!!
251. You cannot write post-OotP Harry/Draco. Sorry, it just ain't happening.
252. Harry has no business being a student at the Salem Witches' Institute.
252a. Ditto that for Draco.
252b. Ditto that for any male character.
253. If caught in a situation which looks bad, but actually isn't, the most important thing is to act casual.
254. If someone wants peace and quiet, there's a little thing called a Silencing Charm.
255. A female character asking Snape to teach her Occlumency is not a prelude to a relationship. He most likely won't even teach her, not just because she asks him to.
256. Ye olde tyme spellings are annoying in names. I don't care what family your character comes from, the names will evolve. See, written language is nothing more than a way to reproduce the sound of a word. As the way we talk changes, spellings change to reflect this. That's why Olde English is incomprehensible to us, and Middle English barely less so. You can understand Victorian English at most.
257. I should not need a pronunciation guide to your OC's name.
258. Even if you never use a beta reader (and shame on you!) please, please, PLEASE get one if you write accents.
259. Make sure you are well prepared before you play with the multiverse.
260. Ron sitting or standing and cuddling Crookshanks is very, very odd.
261. If you write Umbridge!fic, you are a seriously disturbed individual.
262. Luna Lovegood is a Mary Sue. Think about it; she appears from nowhere and it's all, "Hi, I've always been here", she has convenient connections (the Quibbler), and she instantly has things in common with Harry. Think about it.
263. Ask not what mistake the character made, ask more what mistake the author made.
264. Don't put yourself in the fic to manage Harry's love life. He'll figure it out the way other boys do: by trial and error.
265. You cannot fight Voldemort with karate.
265a. Ditto that for any other martial art.
266. Passive mode is fine for quick little ditties. Pages and pages and pages of passiveness is really annoying. We want some action.
267. Love at first sight is shallow.
268. Don't say that your fic is written in a Rowlingesque manner or use words to that effect because (brace yourself) OotP was a bad fanfic. *nods* If someone in the fandom had written that, it would have gotten flamed once a day and twice on Sunday.
269. You don't regain your sanity if you're insane and in Azkaban.
270. Mudbloods do not get sorted to Slytherin. Salazar would be turning over in his grave.
271. Harry should not be arrested and put on trial for using the Unforgivables on Voldemort.
272. Don't say that no one can use your OC without asking you first.
272a. Did you ask JKR before you used her original characters? No, I didn't think so. So shut up!
272b. And besides, who would want to use your OC?
273. Voldemort does not recruit Death Eaters via owl during mealtime in the Hogwarts Great Hall.
274. It is not neccessary to specify Jealous!Ron.
274a. Nor is it neccessary to specify Prat!Ron, Git!Ron, Idiot!Ron, or any other derogatory term.
275. Nobody likes the new transfer student at your school, and things are no different at Hogwarts.
276. Do recall that the Hogwarts uniform includes "One plain pointed hat (black) for day wear."
277. Fleur Delacour does not transfer to Hogwarts in the Trio's sixth year. She was already seventeen at the time of the Triwizard Tournament.
278. Draco is not allowed to tutor any Gryffindor in Potions.
278a. Potions-tutor!Draco Discussion
279. Veritaserum is a strictly regulated potion. It's probably not something just anyone can brew or has conveniently laying around.
280. Nobody wants yet another story about how Sirius' One True Love has been pining for him all these years, hating herself for loving a murderer, and now that he's free can they be together again or not.
281. 'Slimy git' is overdone. Find something new. Using the word 'git' does not make you, the author, British.
282. Snape is very selective about who he lets into his NEWTs Potions class.
283. Snakes do not have masters.
284. Draco Malfoy is not a Veela. He is not part Veela.
284a. You want me to defend this? Fine. Malfoys are pure-blooded. Veelas are not human. Need I go on?
285. Harry is angsty. You are whiny.
286. Do not call it DADA. It looks stupid when not in conversation and it looks really stupid if someone is saying it.
287. Hermione was a catgirl once. It didn't work out too well for her. Your OC being a catgirl would work as bad or worse. If you don't watch anime, this Rule does not apply to you.
288. UST is pseudo-psychological poppycock.
289. Your summary is no longer allowed to use the word 'cool'.
290. The tubs in the prefects' bathroom do not have a 'hot fudge' tap.
291. Good planning is the key to a successful story.
292. All good fics need humour.
293. Keep your summary the same for every chapter so we'll know what the whole fic is about if we just catch the information on one chapter. For individual chapter information, include an "In This Chapter" message in the summary.
294. The entrance to the Slytherin common room is a bare stone wall.
294a. They do not have a portrait covering the entrance like Gryffindor does.
294b. Especially not a portrait of Salazar Slytherin himself.
294c. What are you, stupid?
295. Lots of people in the world have brown hair.
296. Gay boys, no matter how gay they are, are still boys. Get a male beta reader if you can, to keep the boys acting like boys and not girls.
297. If you need good dialogue, do a bit of role-playing with your beta reader.
298. If your beta reader has a good idea, don't hesitate to borrow it. You've probably given her plenty of good ideas too.
299. No eleven year old is flamboyantly gay.
300. Harry's parents were Lily and James Potter. JKR has beat us over the head with the fact that he is a carbon copy of James but has Lily's eyes.
300a. He is not Voldemort's son. (See Rule 47a.)
300b. He is not Dumbledore's son. (Eeew, Old!Dumbledore having sex. See Rule 197.)
300c. He is not Snape's son. (Snape hates him.)
300d. He is not Sirius' son. (That's just dumb.)
300e. "But he could be-" No, no he couldn't. It's stupid. Move on.
301. A liquid tonne of caffeine and a sandbox full of pixi stix is not a substitute for a well-written humour fic.
302. None of the Houses has a secret entrance/back door/fire escape.
303. Learn about mythology.
304. Adding the suffix -is or -us does not turn English words into Latin. (Thanks Janie!)
304a. Latin Dictionary and Grammar Aid
304b. English to Latin
304c. Latin Word List
305. Never overestimate the intelligence of your audience.
306. Don't get mad when your beta reader tells you that your fic/chapter sucked hard.
307. Those who can write, do; those who can't, post on ff.n
308. To Hell with parental controls for the Internet; I say password protect the word processors! (Word, Works, WordPerfect, Wordpad, Notepad, and any others you might have.)
309. I am the final arbiter of what is or is not a good idea.
310. Meddle not with the author of this list, for he has fangirls. Rabid fangirls
2. Harry is not EVIL.
3. Neither is Ron.
4. Neither is Neville.
5. For that matter, all Gryffindors are, on the very basic level, good guys.
6. You can make them evil IF you actually give a plausible back story.
7. PS/SS Chapter 5: "There's not a single witch or wizard who went bad who wasn't in Slytherin." -Hagrid, but he's lying because Sirius Black (although it was really Pettigrew who turned) was in Gryffindor.
8. Dumbledore is not omnipotent. He's had some pretty big things happen right under his nose.
9. Alcoholism isn't terribly entertaining.
10. Same with drug use.
11. No matter how fascinating you find your very own self-insertion who can resist Unforgivable Curses with impunity, wrap Dumbledore AND Snape around his/her little finger, score higher than Hermione, outfly Harry, beat Ron at chess, and so on and so forth, chances are you're the only one.
12. Sex is ok if you do it well.
13. It is pointless to cripple a character and then hand over magic spells/abilities that effectively cancel the injury.
14. When making up your own character - don't have them be so damn perfect.
15. Do NOT have your new character immediately score with your personal fav witch/wizard of the opposite sex.
15a. Same as above, only substitute for "same sex."
16. No special powers to the new character either.
17. Just because you're gay, that doesn't mean your favourite witch/wizard is too.
17a. Same as above, only substitute for "transvestite."
18. Harry becoming a vampire just so you can cross with Buffy is extremely stupid.
19. When writing sex, remember to actually stay in character. For example - Hermione isn't a whore.
20. Evil clones are kinda stupid when you really think about it.
21. Never, ever assume that the audience remembers what happened in the last book.
22. Dean should never use the word '*****.'
23. In general, racism is a tad heavy for an HP fic.
24. You'd better keep the characters consistent to the books. Example - Hermione isn't a whore.
25. When crossing story lines with other fandoms, pick something that people have heard of.
26. Transfer students are a pretty dumb idea.
27. Transfer students from America with hoopy special powers are a really dumb idea.
28. Draco is not fluffy. He was raised by a Death Eater.
29. Death Eaters are not fluffy.
30. Draco is not likely to fall in love with a Mudblood.
31. Harry does not need additional hoopy magic powers.
31a. For that matter neither does anyone else.
32. If Sirius is walking around like a free man, you'd best explain why.
33. If Sirius has been proven innocent, give some details.
34. Harry and Draco are not likely to let 4+ years of unrelenting hatred go without a major back story.
34a. I don't care how horny they are, they still hate each other.
35. No matter how much you want it, Snape is not attractive (except in the movie), so you'd best explain his makeover.
36. Not all Slytherins are evil.
37. Slytherin is not short-hand for 'Death Eater in Training'
38. Know the damn characters.
39. There are more characters than you think.
40. Percy can be an interesting character.
41. Ginny is not a shagtoy.
42. Chamber of Secrets aside, Ginny is not EVIL. We would have noticed by now.
43. When writing MWPP fics, remember that Peter is not EVIL yet.
44. Until JKR says otherwise, MWPP were not collectively known as the Marauders. Learn about punctuation.
45. Crabbe and Goyle are essentially non-characters.
46. Lucius has better things to do than try to have sex with anything with legs.
47. Harry is not secretly related to any of the bad guys.
47a. This includes Voldemort. (Thanks Jayde!)
48. No sex scene should EVER involve Dobby (or any other house elf for that matter) unless it involves ONLY house elves.
49. Draco is not the Heir of Slytherin (in a genetic sense).
50. Draco and Ginny need a significant back story before they will ever be a couple.
51. Hagrid should never be described as looking 'sexy.'
52. House elves can be used to add both humor and atmosphere.
53. Students and teachers should not be romantically involved.
54. Your sex scenes are cheesy. Accept it.
55. Harry is not a qualified gardener, so enough with the freelance landscaping.
56. Harry does not have a 24/7 spy cam into Voldemort's thoughts, vision, dreams, life, etc.
57. Hair does not take three paragraphs to describe.
58. Snape is technically a good guy, so give him the damn DADA job.
59. There is no such thing as a Foreplay Fairy. Virgins have little to no clue what they're doing, so your sex scenes should reflect that. Also, see #54.
60. Voldemort didn't become the most powerful Dark wizard by being careless and/or stupid.
61. Anyone (read 'Harry') having multiple Animagus forms is a really dumb idea.
62. Mrs. Weasley is not likely to discuss sex on Platform 9 & 3/4.
63. It's really stupid of Harry to go anywhere without his wand, even if he can't legally do magic.
64. Ron might actually approve of his little sister dating Harry. "After all, it could be Malfoy."
65. You cannot Apparate on the grounds of Hogwarts.
66. Apparate and Disapparate do not mean the exact same thing, so stop interchanging them.
67. Hermione is not likely to shag Seamus' brains out and then curl up next to Harry.
68. Don't take out your mental illness on HP. This includes such things as Hermione/Crookshanks, Harry/Dead!James (yak!!!), Harry/Hedwig, Ron/Scabbers, and so forth. (Thanks Jayde!)
69. Ron does not have to be great at Quidditch.
70. Neither does Ginny.
71. In general, communing with spirit animals is cool, but can also be super dumb with just a stroke of the pen.
72. Enough with Lupin communing with wolves.
72a. And on that note, there are no wild wolves in the UK.
73. Lupin makes a damn good DADA professor.
74. Know the damn characters.
75. If you're going to write a sixth year fic (or any fic that skips years) then you'd better let us know what happened in the previous years.
76. And on that note, excessive flashbacks are annoying. Write a separate fic.
77. Under no circumstances should giant mecha ever appear in the wizarding world.
78. Likewise, the Gundam characters are not really wizards or students at Hogwarts.
79. Songfics are annoying.
79a. Songfics that have a character listening to a song and being wistful about someone are -really- annoying.
79b. Songfics require actual writing, not just song lyrics with names thrown in.
79c. Songfics about the older generations (MWPP/L, Founders, et al) should not be centered around today's music.
79d. And while we're on the subject, make sure you credit the ORIGINAL writer/singer rather than the current pop star who is covering it. (Thanks Ryven!)
79e. CD players do not work at Hogwarts. (Thanks Tepmurt!)
79f. Pureblooded wizards (Ron, Ginny, etc) more than likely do not listen to American Muggle pop music seeing as how they live in the UK and grew up in the wizarding world which has its own famous musicians.
80. Under no circumstances should Snape be covered with syrup.
80a. Especially if it somehow involves Lucius Malfoy.
81. Nobody wants stories about Crabbe and Goyle.
82. Nobody wants stories about Seamus and Dean either.
83. (Deliberate) Wandless magic is classified as a hoopy special power. See rule #31.
84. Apparition is a self thing only. You cannot transport other people.
85. Raping Hermione and/or Ginny seldom serves any real plot.
86. Harry being raped by his uncle stopped being amusing a long time ago.
87. Harry's bitching about how cruel the Muggles are to him is about as interesting as Draco whinging about his dad's expectations of him.
88. Likewise, nobody cares about Draco's problems.
89. Don't screw around with mythology unless you know what you're doing.
90. For all intents and purposes, Founder fics are really about four Mary Sues.
91. Don't take out your mental illness on HP. This includes such things as Harry being suicidal; playing with knives, guns, eating pills, coiling nooses, and such.
92. Muggles suddenly becoming magical because of a curse cast by Dark wizards is stupid.
93. Sirius tried to get Snape killed, ergo he does not have a secret crush on him.
94. Fights about jealousy have been done to death.
95. Ron being insanely jealous is like whipping dried glue.
96. Enough with Moony and Padfoot chasing cats.
97. The next person to make a play on Sirius/serious gets mailbombed.
98. Male characters becoming pregnant is a really moronic idea so don't bother.
99. Harry would never be sent to live with Snape or Malfoy.
100. Trying to explain what the Department of Mysteries is or what it does will probably turn out very dumb. It's called the Department of Mysteries for a reason. Leave it alone.
101. Any rule can be violated by a good author.
102. You are probably not a good author.
103. Hermione does not have a nickname. I assure you, we would have seen it in print by now.
104. Ginny is not a masochist.
105. James Potter coming back to life is largely unneccessary.
105a. James coming back just to have sex with Harry is completely unneccessary.
106. Stop describing people as "mysterious" as it gets VERY annoying.
107. Draco being Sorted to a different House...
107a. ...only to use him as a replacement for Hermione or Ron is really pointless.
107b. ...needs a really good plot.
107c. ...has a lot of potential, so make sure you're up to it.
108. Dark Marks are not distributed like candy at Halloween.
109. AU fics that rewrite canon can be masterfully told but can also be super dumb with just a few keystrokes.
110. Alan Greenspan becoming Headmaster of Hogwarts is a really dumb idea.
111. "Sudden incidents" that make a character see someone "in a whole new light" are very obvious plot devices. STOP IT!
112. Enough of having the new DADA professor be Snape's old/new flame.
113. DADA profs don't have to secretly be Dark wizards/Death Eaters. (Thanks Hannah Bell!)
114. Stop writing summaries filled with questions. Don't make us tell you what the fic is about.
115. Do not name your original character "Destiny" or "Fate" or anything else so BLEEDING OBVIOUS!!
116. Know the damn characters. (Hey, you knew I was going to say it at some point.)
117. Dumbledore would not think that teaching Harry the Dark Arts is a good idea.
118. Oliver is not gay. He's not straight either. He lives, breathes, and sleeps Quidditch.
119. I am so bloody sick of the phrase "the final battle."
120. I promise you, Draco would never be taking Muggle Studies.
121. Going into the Forbidden Forest does not get you glory, it only gets you dead.
122. Being Head Boy/Girl does not mean you get your own bathtub.
122a. Neither does it mean you get your own room.
122b. Especially neither does it mean you -share- a room with your counterpart.
123. British people would never use the word "a**" unless talking about a donkey.
124. It is not good writing to elicit cheap laughs by using the words, 'tits,' 'botty,' 'wee-wee,' 'knickers,' 'knockers,' or 'semprini.' (Ten points to whoever gets the reference.)
125. Hermione does not count brushstrokes like Marsha Brady.
126. Why is it that no matter her age, Ginny is an expert at all things womanly (i.e., make-up, clothing, interior design)?
127. Apparating with a hangover (or while drunk or otherwise intoxicated) would probably splinch you.
128. Suddenly!Gay!Ron dating Suddenly!Gay!Draco doesn't work.
129. When writing OCs from America (which you will probably do despite everything I say to convince you otherwise), please bear in mind that nobody outside of Massachusetts (ok, New England if you want to be picky) should ever say something is, "Wicked cool!" or "Wicked good!" and so on. (For the record, still pronounced, "Wikkid!")
130. For cripe's sake, explain how they got the damn Map back!
131. Remus is not a Zen Master.
132. Enough with Ginny and diaries.
133. Riddle's memories were wiped from the diary. So sayeth Dumbledore.
134. Even if Ginny "somehow" got Riddle's diary again, and she "somehow" got it working again, I don't think she'd be stupid enough to use it.
135. Some ships just don't work. Ex., Voldie wants to KILL Harry, not schnoogle him.
136. Ordinary people do not taste of strawberries for no good reason.
137. Exchange students are stupid in Trio!Fics and they're just as stupid in MWPP!Fics.
138. Given the choice between a beautiful princess and Snape, Harry would choose the beautiful princess.
139. Lucius Malfoy would never be teaching at Hogwarts while Dumbledore is still in charge.
140. Cho isn't stupid; she knows that Harry likes her. Fics where she's not sure are dumb.
141. There needs to be a good reason for students in different years to be working on class projects together.
142. Prophecies about soulmates are stupid.
143. Corona is a beer (and not a very good one at that) and a word used to describe astronomical phenomena, not people.
144. Ron being poor and Hermione wearing a big honkin' diamond don't mesh.
145. Stories about fangirls being magically transported to Hogwarts are stupid.
146. Hermione and Ginny do not live in the same dormitory room.
147. Dark Wizards do know how to love (and also how to make love, but that's not against the rules either).
148. Harry hates the Muggle world.
149. Nobody I know would climb a whole lot of stairs and stand out in the bitter cold of the Scottish night (in winter no less) just for a few kisses.
149a. If you're doing more than kissing in the bitter cold of the Scottish night (in winter no less) you need your head examined.
150. I'm sick of the new DADA professor having a dark, haunted, brutal, or otherwise not happy and fluffy past. Psychologically unstable people should not be teachers.
151. Nobody goes on random walks to learn unexpected truths about his/her life.
152. "The truth" just isn't that shocking anymore.
153. Stop writing stories about Time-Turners.
153a. If you insist on writing a story about a Time-Turner, at least do the math. 1 turn equals 1 hour. 24 turns equals 1 day. 8766 turns equals 1 year. 157,788 turns equals 18 years. Nobody can fall down that many stairs and live.
153b. And also realize that one stair would not neccessarily mean one turn.
153c. Ergo, Hermione/Marauder fics are dumb.
153d. Time travel spells are just as dumb.
153e. But not as dumb as time travel potions.
154. No fic should be 90 chapters long. This means you, SlowFox! (btw, great fic!)
155. Gilderoy Lockhart should not be on a broom. He can't even hold onto his wand.
156. Neither Crabbe nor Goyle should be watching while Harry and Draco ... -do- things.
157. If you make up a Sorting Song, at least try to give it rhyme and meter. And you really should make up a song, unless the main characters miss the Sorting (and don't be lame and say, "Harry sank into his thoughts/memories/depression and didn't pay attention.")
158. Neville does -not- have a crush on Snape.
159. There should never be a character likened 'Hermerella' or 'Dracorella'. For that matter, leave classic fairy tales alone.
160. It's a -bad- idea for Hagrid to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. I should -not- have to tell you this.
161. Someone who has destiny on his side doesn't lose. That's what having destiny on your side means.
162. When is someone going to meet another person at the top of the Astronomy Tower for the purpose of throwing him or her off of it?
163. Songfics are bad, get it? Songfics within songfics are worse.
164. Voldemort is not out for Harry's blood. He already got some of that.
165. When using the movies as canon... just remember that Chris Columbus is perpetually stoned.
166. While I grant that mayhaps the Slytherins "keep it real", I'm quite sure that they don't use such terminology in the era of MWPP.
167. Importing television concepts (American Idol, Survivor, etc) to Hogwarts is massively retarded.
168. What is it about turning fifteen/sixteen and suddenly having to decide whether or not to be a Death Eater? No one is crafty enough to hide a big, ugly tattoo on his left arm, not when the baths are common.
169. You are not a Hogwarts character. Deal. (Thanks Clam Chowder! "That's 'Chow-Dah!'")
170. Being single does not make you gay. <- Rule of Life, learn it!
171. Do not cross with Star Trek. Ever. (Thanks Van!)
171a. Although Hagrid can raise Tribbles if he likes.
172. "Lord Voldemort" is pure-blooded; Tom Riddle is not. (Thanks Jayde!)
173. Ginny/Cho is a ludicrous prospect at best.
174. Cho Chang has -not- taken a public vow of chastity. Yet.
175. I very much doubt that there is only one, unisex, prefect's bathroom.
176a. Do not write fics while drunk, stoned, high, tripping, rolling, or dusted.
176b. Do not write fics while overdosed on sugar, caffeine, or while underdosed on sleep (or any combination thereof).
177. Ron would not call Hermione a Mudblood. (Yes, I've seen this.)
178. Truimphant!Voldemort fics can be really cool, but not if the only point is to ship a certain way. This includes things that would be filed under the category of "Not Bloody Likely" such as: Charlie/Hermione, Sirius/Cho, and Ron/Alicia.
179. Harry Potter as the Heir of Gryffindor has been done. And redone, and overdone, and beaten like a Bludger. Stop making it the focal point of your story. I know it's probably going to happen in canon, but it's driving me stark raving mad.
180. Hermione would be neither happy nor eager to see Fleur Delacour.
180a. Hermione wouldn't -date- Fleur either. (Thanks Jayde!)
181. Nobody at Hogwarts qualifies as a "sk8r boi."
182. Nobody should ever trust a Death Eater to keep his word.
183. British people can easily become embarassed.
184. The Yule Ball was a part of the Triwizard Tournament. Enough already.
185. About that skinny kid (Harry, Draco, whoever)... somebody give him a sandwich!
186. Redeemed!Draco does not have to be gay.
187. Hermione neither likes, trusts, nor studies prophecies and divination. No summary should have in it the phrase, "Hermione finds a prophecy," or anything remotely similar.
188. Harry should not be interested in either Ginny -or- Hermione if she looks like Lily Potter. That's something that Dr. Freud would have a field day with.
189. Stories about a character (Mary Sue) who decides that her Holy Crusade will be to make sure that {character 1} and {character 2} fall desperately in love are massively stupid.
190. Hermione is not Harry and Ron's f** hag.
190a. Neither is Ginny. (Spooky.)
191. Snape does -not- hate Harry because James rejected him.
191a. He is also not going to fall in love with Harry because he's "just like his father."
192. Snape was in love with Lily and it was his unrequited love that drove him to be a foul, murdering Death Eater who doesn't know how to wash his hair. Get a new plot, will you?
193. Harry has enough problems of his own; don't make him into everyone's confidant.
194. Mary Sue does not just come in the form of a student. She often comes in the form of a Professor. She almost always teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts. Beware combining this with the suggestion in Rule #192.
195. Why is it that people have just -one- original character?
195a. This is especially true in MWPP, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, certain year Gryffindor, certain year Slytherin, and future fics. Few names means more OCs, fool!
196. Very few authors can handle trilogies. Duologies are fine; singles are fine too.
197. Old!Dumbledore is -not- sexy!
198. Ron would not casually mention that he was going to try out for the team. He loves Quidditch.
199. "Extra credit" does not mean "sex."
200. Lucius does not talk to his cane. It is not his "precious."
201. Dumbledore should not be shagging students.
202. Just because you -can- do something does not mean you should.
203. Don't beg for readers or reviews. "If you build it, they will come."
204. If your protest against one of these rules is, "But I know this one fic where..." then don't bother. Once can be done. The rest probably suck.
205. Do not allow this list to give you plot bunnies!
206. You people are all insane. (Take that however you want to.)
207. Romance fics involving paintings can be well told. (See Deth plug. See Deth plug more.)
208. Quidditch is not canceled because of a little snow.
209. Don't tell us your fic is currently X/Y but will eventually be X/Z. That takes all the surprise out of it.
210. At the age of fifteen, Harry should just be coming into his own. Frequently.
211. Draco defying his father just isn't gasp-worthy anymore.
212. Portraitcest is defined as relations between characters in two paintings that were painted by the same artist using the same canisters of paint.
213. The wizarding world has no use for psuedo-Goths.
213a. Neither does the rest of the world.
213b. Please remember that all the real Goths are dead.
214. Hogwarts does have uniforms. No matter how ber-special your original character is, she can't go to class in blue jeans.
215. Snape having the greasy hair, yellow teeth, etc, etc, for the purpose of making people underestimate him is stupid.
215a. However, there are now such things as whitening toothpaste and shampoo for greasy hair. If you want to beautify Snape, consider investing in these products.
216. Having students skip years is just plain dumb.
217. If your Founder!fic has a Godric/Rowena/Salazar angle, I don't want to read it.
218. Incest is not the best. Do not put your sister/brother/mum/dad/cousin/aunt/uncle to the test.
219. While I don't doubt that Exploding Snape could be very interesting indeed, the proper name of the game is Exploding Snap.
220. Why is it always Crabbe and Goyle, why never Goyle and Crabbe?
221. The Cruciatus Curse does not give the good sort of pain.
222. You cannot put Imperius on animals.
223. Know the damn characters! (Very few people are obeying this Rule, hence it will be repeated.)
224. Script format is annoying.
224a. Narrative format with so few details as to resemble a script format is annoying.
225. Slyth!Harry does not have to be gay. (This is the counter to Rule 186)
225a. For proof, please read my fic, They Shook Hands
226. Not everything is subtext. Sometimes a wand is just a wand.
227. Your blatant subtext is not clever.
228. Any of the Harry Potter books falling through timeholes is a stupid idea.
229. With only a short time before OotP is released, don't start writing a fifth year fic.
229a. Now that OotP has been released, don't write a fifth year fic and call it 'Order of the Phoenix'
229b. Because OotP was... controversial, you are free to write AU fifth year if you so wish.
229c. In fact, please do so.
230. Ginny knows better than to get pregnant.
230a. So does Hermione.
231. It's really stupid if Hogwarts doesn't teach DADA anymore. (This Rule was written before OotP, and that book just proved the point.)
232. Tom Riddle is the last descendant of Salazar Slytherin.
232a. That means he does not have children.
232b. Especially not daughters who are Harry's age who transfer to Hogwarts.
233. There's no such thing as the Young Death Eater's Club.
234. Stop quoting Dumbledore's speech about choices.
235. Like Gilderoy Lockhart, Neville Longbottom really doesn't belong on a broom either.
235a. Let's include Peter Pettigrew on that list while we're at it.
236. Does anyone want to explain why Voldemort is suddenly way more ber-powerful than he was when he first rose to power? You say he is, but you never explain why.
237. Zacharias Smith is not a less evil version of Draco Malfoy.
238. Being raped and beaten is one plothook. Falling for Harry Potter is a second plothook. THEY ARE NOT CONNECTED!!!!!
239. Time vortexes do not just appear in convenient empty corridors at Hogwarts.
240. Unless your character comes from a different wizarding school, she does not know enough about magic to be placed higher than first year. Magical learning is cummulative. You certainly cannot start in seventh year. I mean, what's the point?
241. Harry having trouble sleeping is not a shocking revelation.
242. Tonks is a canon Sue. She's the Wesley Crusher of the Potterverse. Use her if you must, but do NOT abuse her.
243. Draco Malfoy wouldn't be caught dead in a Wal-Mart.
244. Know the damn characters!
245. Don't ever say that "Ron and Hermione make a decision." It should be "Hermione makes a decision and Ron is unable to convince her otherwise."
246. "Raging hormones" is not a plot idea, it's a fact of life.
247. There is no secret room in the Slytherin dungeons.
247a. This also includes Snape's office and quarters.
247b. Especially not secret torture/pleasure chambers.
248. The song for any Tonks songfic should be Modern English - I'll Stop The World (And Melt With You)
249. Wizarding abortions are probably less painful and messy than Muggle abortions.
250. "The prophecies have foretold the love of..." NO THEY HAVEN'T!!!
251. You cannot write post-OotP Harry/Draco. Sorry, it just ain't happening.
252. Harry has no business being a student at the Salem Witches' Institute.
252a. Ditto that for Draco.
252b. Ditto that for any male character.
253. If caught in a situation which looks bad, but actually isn't, the most important thing is to act casual.
254. If someone wants peace and quiet, there's a little thing called a Silencing Charm.
255. A female character asking Snape to teach her Occlumency is not a prelude to a relationship. He most likely won't even teach her, not just because she asks him to.
256. Ye olde tyme spellings are annoying in names. I don't care what family your character comes from, the names will evolve. See, written language is nothing more than a way to reproduce the sound of a word. As the way we talk changes, spellings change to reflect this. That's why Olde English is incomprehensible to us, and Middle English barely less so. You can understand Victorian English at most.
257. I should not need a pronunciation guide to your OC's name.
258. Even if you never use a beta reader (and shame on you!) please, please, PLEASE get one if you write accents.
259. Make sure you are well prepared before you play with the multiverse.
260. Ron sitting or standing and cuddling Crookshanks is very, very odd.
261. If you write Umbridge!fic, you are a seriously disturbed individual.
262. Luna Lovegood is a Mary Sue. Think about it; she appears from nowhere and it's all, "Hi, I've always been here", she has convenient connections (the Quibbler), and she instantly has things in common with Harry. Think about it.
263. Ask not what mistake the character made, ask more what mistake the author made.
264. Don't put yourself in the fic to manage Harry's love life. He'll figure it out the way other boys do: by trial and error.
265. You cannot fight Voldemort with karate.
265a. Ditto that for any other martial art.
266. Passive mode is fine for quick little ditties. Pages and pages and pages of passiveness is really annoying. We want some action.
267. Love at first sight is shallow.
268. Don't say that your fic is written in a Rowlingesque manner or use words to that effect because (brace yourself) OotP was a bad fanfic. *nods* If someone in the fandom had written that, it would have gotten flamed once a day and twice on Sunday.
269. You don't regain your sanity if you're insane and in Azkaban.
270. Mudbloods do not get sorted to Slytherin. Salazar would be turning over in his grave.
271. Harry should not be arrested and put on trial for using the Unforgivables on Voldemort.
272. Don't say that no one can use your OC without asking you first.
272a. Did you ask JKR before you used her original characters? No, I didn't think so. So shut up!
272b. And besides, who would want to use your OC?
273. Voldemort does not recruit Death Eaters via owl during mealtime in the Hogwarts Great Hall.
274. It is not neccessary to specify Jealous!Ron.
274a. Nor is it neccessary to specify Prat!Ron, Git!Ron, Idiot!Ron, or any other derogatory term.
275. Nobody likes the new transfer student at your school, and things are no different at Hogwarts.
276. Do recall that the Hogwarts uniform includes "One plain pointed hat (black) for day wear."
277. Fleur Delacour does not transfer to Hogwarts in the Trio's sixth year. She was already seventeen at the time of the Triwizard Tournament.
278. Draco is not allowed to tutor any Gryffindor in Potions.
278a. Potions-tutor!Draco Discussion
279. Veritaserum is a strictly regulated potion. It's probably not something just anyone can brew or has conveniently laying around.
280. Nobody wants yet another story about how Sirius' One True Love has been pining for him all these years, hating herself for loving a murderer, and now that he's free can they be together again or not.
281. 'Slimy git' is overdone. Find something new. Using the word 'git' does not make you, the author, British.
282. Snape is very selective about who he lets into his NEWTs Potions class.
283. Snakes do not have masters.
284. Draco Malfoy is not a Veela. He is not part Veela.
284a. You want me to defend this? Fine. Malfoys are pure-blooded. Veelas are not human. Need I go on?
285. Harry is angsty. You are whiny.
286. Do not call it DADA. It looks stupid when not in conversation and it looks really stupid if someone is saying it.
287. Hermione was a catgirl once. It didn't work out too well for her. Your OC being a catgirl would work as bad or worse. If you don't watch anime, this Rule does not apply to you.
288. UST is pseudo-psychological poppycock.
289. Your summary is no longer allowed to use the word 'cool'.
290. The tubs in the prefects' bathroom do not have a 'hot fudge' tap.
291. Good planning is the key to a successful story.
292. All good fics need humour.
293. Keep your summary the same for every chapter so we'll know what the whole fic is about if we just catch the information on one chapter. For individual chapter information, include an "In This Chapter" message in the summary.
294. The entrance to the Slytherin common room is a bare stone wall.
294a. They do not have a portrait covering the entrance like Gryffindor does.
294b. Especially not a portrait of Salazar Slytherin himself.
294c. What are you, stupid?
295. Lots of people in the world have brown hair.
296. Gay boys, no matter how gay they are, are still boys. Get a male beta reader if you can, to keep the boys acting like boys and not girls.
297. If you need good dialogue, do a bit of role-playing with your beta reader.
298. If your beta reader has a good idea, don't hesitate to borrow it. You've probably given her plenty of good ideas too.
299. No eleven year old is flamboyantly gay.
300. Harry's parents were Lily and James Potter. JKR has beat us over the head with the fact that he is a carbon copy of James but has Lily's eyes.
300a. He is not Voldemort's son. (See Rule 47a.)
300b. He is not Dumbledore's son. (Eeew, Old!Dumbledore having sex. See Rule 197.)
300c. He is not Snape's son. (Snape hates him.)
300d. He is not Sirius' son. (That's just dumb.)
300e. "But he could be-" No, no he couldn't. It's stupid. Move on.
301. A liquid tonne of caffeine and a sandbox full of pixi stix is not a substitute for a well-written humour fic.
302. None of the Houses has a secret entrance/back door/fire escape.
303. Learn about mythology.
304. Adding the suffix -is or -us does not turn English words into Latin. (Thanks Janie!)
304a. Latin Dictionary and Grammar Aid
304b. English to Latin
304c. Latin Word List
305. Never overestimate the intelligence of your audience.
306. Don't get mad when your beta reader tells you that your fic/chapter sucked hard.
307. Those who can write, do; those who can't, post on ff.n
308. To Hell with parental controls for the Internet; I say password protect the word processors! (Word, Works, WordPerfect, Wordpad, Notepad, and any others you might have.)
309. I am the final arbiter of what is or is not a good idea.
310. Meddle not with the author of this list, for he has fangirls. Rabid fangirls
I found it on Quizilla, but I guess that girl found it on FictionAlley written by Dethryl.
*Guarentee becomes null and void if you are found living, dead, or somewhere in between.
