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 Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 3:19 pm
Welcome to my journal! I'm Eljah_Black, but please call me Eljah.
I love writing. I've loved it all my life. However, the past year it seems that I've sunken into a horrible rut where I've neglected my writing passion. That's all going to change.
Starting with this challenge I'd like to reintroduce myself to writing. I can't think of a better way of doing that than writing every day.
Feel free to come in and ask me questions or have a little chat! heart
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 4:07 pm
I will definitely be coming in and chatting. <<; >>; cx
I can't wait to see what you come up with for the prompts. I really understand how ruts can happen, and I think this is a great way to climb out of it. Good luck!
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 4:15 pm
Great to have you here! I'll definitely be stopping by to see what you write. I know it's not always easy to get back into something, but hopefully this challenge will help. Good luck!
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 4:32 pm
xVoldie I will definitely be coming in and chatting. <<; >>; cx
I can't wait to see what you come up with for the prompts. I really understand how ruts can happen, and I think this is a great way to climb out of it. Good luck! PandorasJackinthebox Great to have you here! I'll definitely be stopping by to see what you write. I know it's not always easy to get back into something, but hopefully this challenge will help. Good luck!
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 4:42 pm
Eljah_Black PandorasJackinthebox Great to have you here! I'll definitely be stopping by to see what you write. I know it's not always easy to get back into something, but hopefully this challenge will help. Good luck! It's okay, I wrote this challenge with people who haven't written for a while (like you, AND like me--I haven't written very many original things recently sweatdrop ) in mind. That's also why this isn't a CONTEST--I didn't want people to feel pressured to produce 365 masterpieces, that's just too much and it would turn out horribly. I began offering the reward to give people motivation not just to do the challenge but to WRITE. It's easier once you get the ball rolling to write frequently, and write well. It's also a great outlet, in terms of emotions. 3nodding There's no pressure to produce "high quality" right off the bat. You just have to start somewhere, and if that's at the rock bottom, well, there's good news: Nowhere to go but up. ^_^ Also, at any time you can go back and edit what you've written to improve it. There's no rule against that. Something can start out horrible and end up great. It happens all the time.
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 5:14 pm
1. New Beginnings
1,147 Words “Mom, it’s not too late to change your mind, you know,” I tried to explain. “We can just go home and unpack, either way we would be unpacking so it’s not that bad.”
“Emily, I’ve had it with your complaining!” my mother practically yelled. She averted her gaze from the road to glare at me. I quickly dodged her stare.
Looking back at the road, she continued to scold me, “When are you going to think about my happiness for once, huh? We’re moving for me, is that so bad?” It wasn’t her words that made me quiet, but the way she said it. I could hear the desperate plea in her voice. No doubt it was from the stress of her divorce from Dad. He got the girl and Mom got me. I looked out the window at the houses passing by. My mother didn’t know any better, though. I couldn’t blame her for sacrificing my own well being for her happiness. She wasn’t even aware of doing it. All she knew from the move was that she’d be with Doug Parker. She didn’t know that I’d also be living with Jake Parker, the guy from my grade who threw my books into a fountain and told everyone at school that I would look better with a paper bag over my head. They even signed a petition for me to do so. Sixty-three kids signed it.
The awkward silence must have gotten to my mom because she was talking again, “Emily, I just want this to be a bright new beginning. I don’t want any negativity when we’re about to start anew.”
“I understand, Mom,” I said softly. I glanced at her curly, red-orange hair that fell haphazardly around her pale face. A weak smile tugged at her lips when she met my eyes. I turned back to the window. I couldn’t ruin the little happiness that she was clinging to.
We pulled into the driveway of a small, two-story house. A tall man with dark brown hair, matching eyes, and a pair a big, thick-rimmed glasses stood by the front door waving a hand at us. My mother beamed at him.
“Get your bags, Emily,” my mother chirped as she jumped out of the car and walked up to Doug. I had to look away before they started kissing one another right there. I threw my backpack over my shoulders and picked up my two suitcases.
“Where should I go?” I asked my mom and Doug when I reached them.
“Up the stairs and first door to your right,” Doug said, smiling down at me. I didn’t feel quite inclined to do the same so I left quietly.
Following his instructions, I stood in front of my new room. It smelled of dust and boys’ socks. It was also a bit small, but what could I expect. This move was for Mom so it only made sense that she’d get the good stuff. Walking over to my twin sized bed I place my suitcases on it and opened them up. There was a dresser and a closet with mirrors on it so I figured I may as well get settled.
“Ugh. The ugly troll is here,” a voice said from behind me. I didn’t need to turn around to know it was Jake, but I did so anyway.
“What do you want, Jake,” I asked defensively. He shrugged as if he had every right to be there. Then again, I guess he did.
“I was hoping your mom would leave you behind. Too bad we can’t be so lucky,” he said. I agreed with him there. I wished Mom would have left me behind. She could have checked up on me every week or so. I would have been fine. It definitely would have been better than living here.
“Just leave me alone,” I said, though it may have come out as a question instead.
“I’m just welcoming you,” Jake replied with snide glee.
“Making nice, you two?” Doug said, appearing behind his son in the doorway. I opted not to say anything.
“Yeah, Dad,” Jake replied.
“Hmm, maybe you should leave Emily alone for a while. Let her get adjusted,” Doug said. Maybe Doug picked up on the tension or he was just being kind, but I liked him a little more for that. Jake shrugged before walking away.
“Whatever,” he muttered before walking down the hall.
“You’ll have to excuse him. It’s all new for him, too. But he’s a good kid once you get to know him,” Doug said with a smile before leaving the doorway. I already knew Jake was not a ‘good kid’ and I knew I never wanted to get to know him any more than I already did.
I closed the door once he left. I didn’t want any other visitors. I sat on the edge of the bed, digging through my backpack. I pulled out a picture of Mom, Dad, and myself. It was the last picture of us together and smiling. I wonder if Dad had been seeing that girl back then.
“Emily? Can I come in?” my mother asked after knocking on the door. I didn’t answer, instead I shoved the picture back into my backpack. Mom opened the door and peered into my room.
“Everything going okay?” she asked. I just shrugged, looking down at my feet. Mom entered the room and closed the door behind her.
“Can we talk, Emily?” she asked again, moving a suitcase over to sit beside me. I shrugged again. I didn’t want to look at her. I knew some kind of guilt trip was going to happen.
Mom sighed, “I know this is all strange to you, but it’s going to be fine. Doug is a great guy and his son is a nice boy.”
“I know his son, Mom. He goes to my school,” I muttered.
“Maybe you two can be friends,” she said. I knew my mom was trying to make the situation better for me, but I was annoyed at her. She should have known better.
“I don’t think that’s possible,” I said.
“Now, Emily,” Mom said sternly, “You need to give him a chance.”
“Mom, you don’t understand,” I retorted, but my mother wouldn’t have it.
“That’s enough, Emily. I told you I don’t want to hear you complaining!” she almost yelled. I looked away from her. I didn’t want to cry in front of her. It’d probably just upset her even more.
“Now, finish up unpacking and be ready for dinner,” Mom said a little calmer, but still upset. She left my room while closing my door a little too hard. I tried to hold back the tears as I took out the family picture again.
“I wish I was with you, Dad,” I whispered, not able to hold the tears back any more.
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 5:18 pm
PandorasJackinthebox It's okay, I wrote this challenge with people who haven't written for a while (like you, AND like me--I haven't written very many original things recently sweatdrop ) in mind. That's also why this isn't a CONTEST--I didn't want people to feel pressured to produce 365 masterpieces, that's just too much and it would turn out horribly. I began offering the reward to give people motivation not just to do the challenge but to WRITE. It's easier once you get the ball rolling to write frequently, and write well. It's also a great outlet, in terms of emotions. 3nodding There's no pressure to produce "high quality" right off the bat. You just have to start somewhere, and if that's at the rock bottom, well, there's good news: Nowhere to go but up. ^_^ Also, at any time you can go back and edit what you've written to improve it. There's no rule against that. Something can start out horrible and end up great. It happens all the time.
I've never really used writing as an outlet for my emotions. Mostly because I felt nothing I wrote was really private when I was living with my family. Now that I live with my boyfriend I'm starting to write more personal pieces which feels great to get these things off my chest.
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 7:42 pm
First off, I apologize for being online so long and not commenting on this. I've been making a habit of checking all threads for updates, but somehow I missed this. I think I'd keep seeing just the last post and somehow assuming it was from earlier, and for that, I'm really sorry.
I thought this story was really great. It had two main themes that a lot of people could relate to. One, the consequences of divorce or an unhappy home. The second was the un-ideal social life, the being bullied.
I liked the heavy dialogue. You didn't neglect important details, such as emotions and the way people spoke, which can tell a lot about a character. It was very well done.
There are some technical things I'd like to point out, but just a small few.Quote: “What do you want, Jake,” I asked defensively.
Another thing I'd like to point out is the constant format of the dialogue.
"Dialogue," said this character in this way of speaking.
There isn't much variation in sentence structure of dialogue. It's always the first thing, and what follows is always in the same format. I think that with a dialogue-driven story such as this, it makes sense to have the spoken words first, but maybe in the future you could take note of that and try to experiment with writing it different. Example:Quote: “What do you want, Jake,” I asked defensively.
There are many ways to go about it, and I'm not bashing your story, just pointing out that it's pretty constant.
I really enjoyed the emotions in this. It's somewhat conflicting, because you can tell the girl doesn't approve of her father with the other woman (who would?) but she still would rather be with him. You were very good at setting the mood, her sadness, the mother's excitement and almost induced ignorance. She wants to talk with Emily, but then shuts her up at anything negative. I feel like it's a realistic reaction for how you've set up the mother's character.
I also really like how Doug kind of hints that Jake can be an a**, though perhaps he doesn't know the full extent of it. The reassurance that it would get better, the acknowledgement of the tension.
I really enjoyed this piece and I genuinely can't wait for the rest of your posts!
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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 9:06 pm
No worries. I'm usually "online" all the time, but I'm actually on another tab or watching a video or something. So don't feel bad for not getting to my story ASAP. And thank you for the feedback, I really appreciate it.
I'm really glad you think I did the dialogue well because sometimes I feel as if I overuse it. I'm constantly worried about if there's too much dialogue in comparison to descriptive text.
For the question, but not a question you were right. I didn't really imagine Emily to be saying it in an 'asking manner', but I think the question mark should be put there.
Usually I do mix up the action and dialogue sequence, but for this piece I was a little lazy. sweatdrop Looking back at it I'm surprised I had such a rigid format. Thank you for pointing it out to me. I'll make sure to keep an eye out for that pattern arising again.
I'm so glad that you think the mother seemed realistic. I was wondering if she was a little too closed minded or not, but I thought that after a horrible break up that she'd be so desperate for happiness she wouldn't want to see anything bad in it. It's really great knowing what I'm trying to portray through my characters is actually being portrayed.
I'm glad you liked it! blaugh I'm really looking forward to doing more prompts. 3nodding
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