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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
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 Posted: Wed Apr 04, 2012 10:36 pm
He had a lot of regrets in many ways. Like what he'd left behind. His failures. His self doubt. His heart. Cass wasn't a regret but part of his relationship with her, how it was? He would regret not talking, not dealing with it. He had tried avoiding, smothering his feelings but no matter what he did they rose up, threatening to override his normal, logical thoughts.
He led her to a more secluded area before he stopped mid stride. God what was he doing? Dragging Cass out to talk with her. She'd been helping people and he'd pulled her from that for what? For talking about his feelings and s**t? He-
Marcus, this is your last chance.
The thought of the end came back and his resolve was strengthened. He had now or never. "Cass I want- I want to talk to you." God how did he start? "About..us."
Brilliant.
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Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2012 12:00 am
There was a part of her that was puzzled when Marcus pulled her outside to talk, knowing fully well that it was out of character for what they'd discussed. Missions were supposed to be time they spent away from each other - time to keep from being distracted by one another.
Everything seemed to amplify the worry in her head, turning to look at him when he stopped, passing him a concerned look. Even in her head, Nicodemus was oddly silent. Not protesting the distraction - as though he knew something she didn't. Or perhaps he'd been through this kind of thing before. The chats before everybody died.
Still, the way he started off caused a small flash of concern to pass over her face.
"...What do you mean, about us?" she asked, sounding almost..concerned.
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
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Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2012 12:10 am
"About us. And... our futures." His hands went to her, thumbs running over her skin as he seemed to focus on that feeling. "I- We didn't talk much about this. About... what could happen." He'd avoided it, like so many other things. A step forward, and he rested his forehead against he own. It was a moment of quite, even with the hum of other around them in the distance. All Marcus could hear was the steady beat of his heart.
"I didn't want anything to happen without-" Blue eyes looked up, fear visible in them. "Without having the chance to say goodbye." The word almost didn't come out, but once it did, the rest came easy. "I love you. I mean I really love you. The idea of you not coming back- of us not returning together.. it scares me Cass. I want to be able to protect you but here I- I can't do that. I don't want to loose you Cass." His hands were sill rubbing her own. "The thought of you- not being there scares me more worse than anything I've ever felt."
And the fact he was that in love with her, silently, scared him as well.
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Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2012 12:24 am
As he spoke it welled up every paranoid feeling she'd been trying to swallow down inside of the tent - and inside of her head. Every nervous laugh, every 'Oh my god, we're going to die' she felt bubbling up in her gut. Even as Marcus reached out and touched her, Cass's always diligent and strong facade was crumbling underneath the weight of just how possible it was this was the end of everything. She was shaking.
Shaking and trying to not just break down.
The fear in his eyes was countered with the fear she gave in the look back. It was raw and completely exposed. Cass squeezed his hands back.
I offered each of you a home, a way out, back to your happiest memories. It is not too late to still turn around and close your eyes, you are and can still be children.'
This is what you wanted is it not? A means out, without being burdened by responsibility? It is not your fault children, noone will blame you if you sleep here.
It had been so tempting....
I cannot stay here because I am someone's happy memories and I need to go back to him.
She'd known her answer, even if it had lead her here. Possibly the end of everything. The end of a five year old girl who had been plagued by ghosts. The end of a 13 year old girl who had longed to go to school. To have a best friend who could tease her about liking a boy.
The end of a 16 year old girl who had run away from it all and fallen in love. It was a painful burden.
"I.... I don't know what I'd do if you didn't come back." she said, voice shaking. She wanted to cry. It was so obvious even as she began to try and hold back to sniffles. The tears. It was quickly turning into a losing battle. Her heart ached to even think of the possibility he was presenting to her. For only one of them to go home.
This was why they'd said they would not die to save each other. That burden was not something Cass could have carried at all.
"I don't want it to end here." she began to weep, breaking. "We haven't had long enough." She choked on her own tears - tears she'd been holding in for too long. "I love you." she managed, "I keep hoping this is some horrible trick my mind is playing on me and I'll wake up. I'll wake up curled up next to you like I always do."
"I told you it'd last forever. I am giving you forever. I just don't want forever to end so soon..."
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
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Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2012 12:56 am
Dis was silent, yet his presence was comforting him. Soothing even. A brush against his mind. Normally this would be the part where he'd be chided, mocked, have his love turned into something sexual and yet the weapon held back, letting Marcus have this time, this moment, to himself.
The feeling of her hands in his- the touch was enough. The tears were enough. His control broke and he drew her into his arm, grip tight. He didn't want to let her go. He didn't want this to be the last time he held her. It was a thought he had each mission but this one. This one scared him. They had all died before. Trainees hadn't been sent before. Would they be sent to fight? Or just- fodder? Disposable they'd been called.
He didn't want the feeling of her against him, warm and alive, tears pouring out to be the last memory of her. She wasn't disposable. Cass couldn't be replaced. "I love you." There was a distinct crack in his voice as he buried his face in her hair, her neck. He didn't want her to see his own tears. He was supposed to be strong, he wasn't supposed to cry. He wasn't supposed to be 'weak'. Cass had showed him he wasn't unlovable. That he wasn't worthless and something to be used and tossed aside. He wanted it to be like that. His fears rooted in his life were set aside when she was with him.
She loved him, and for Marcus that was enough of a reason to drive him forward.
"I love you so much I'm terrified Cass. I scare myself because of it. I love you so much it terrifies me because no matter what I say- You'd come first." He'd tried. He tried so hard and yet...
"Promise me Cass, promise me that no matter what happens, you'll be happy. You'll live, even if I'm not there." He pulled back, anguish in his eyes. "Promise me you'll survive if I don't."
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Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2012 1:09 am
As he drew her close the tears came more readily as her fingers tangled in his coat, her face buried in his shoulder. She just wanted to stay like that for eternity - albeit all the tears would have to go. Cass knew enough in that moment that the future, for the first time she could recall, was uncertain. There was a chance everybody was going to die. Or even just half of them.
Most of them. The image of Aria, crippled by the mere memory of the events from twelve years prior flashed into her mind. The hunters inside the tent, the looks on their faces when fighting had broken out. 'Seriously?' they'd seemed to say. 'You're seriously doing this right now?' It wasn't a time for them to just kill each other. She wanted to live so badly. She wanted him to live even worse than that feeling of survival that Nicodemus was being pushed around by in her head. It was a powerful and desperate feeling.
Where had that feeling she'd had in her head when she'd taken the mask off gone? She'd had nothing to lose, she hadn't even hesitated when she'd done it. She'd become a martyr without even a shred of doubt.
If Nicodemus had convinced her to stay away from Marcus, would he have had that in her still? That same martyr with nothing to lose? But oh, she had something to lose - someone who was holding her close, burying his face into that same spot against her neck that it always seemed to find. Something that would always belong to him.
She'd never let anybody else have it.
"I can't make that promise...." she answered softly, her voice cracking. "I just...I can't promise I'd be happy without you. I don't know what it feels like to be happy without you." It wasn't like she'd been miserable before then, but...
He was the moon.
The light in her darkness.
Even as she spoke, tears continued to roll down her face. "I can't call a life without you living."
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
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Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2012 1:41 am
Why did this hurt? Why did these feeling hurt so much? Love was supposed to be complex and everything but this was too much. Too much left to fate. To chance. She was in his arms and he loved it and hated it. She was- She was his reason now. The thought came with clarity. He fought for humanity yeah but, when he fought he did it because of her. He wanted to protect her. Keep her safe. Hunter or not, he loved her to the point that each time she went on a mission, he worried. It was why he avoided her. Because he put her first. He always would.
She said she couldn't promise. She couldn't be happy without him. He didn't want that. "You have to Cass." He kissed her forehead gentle, hands letting go to cup her face. "If I died and you never smiled again then I'd never be able to move on. You mean so much to me and- I can't die. I can't die thinking you'd never be the same. I want you to be able to smile even if I'm gone. I want you to be able to laugh when it's not my jokes. I want- I want you to be able to be happy." He didn't kiss her, he just smiled though it was sad.
"I love you but no matter what happens to me you have to live. You have too Cass. If I die... I want to know you'll at least try. I want you to be happy even if I'm not with you anymore."
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Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2012 2:06 am
She couldn't promise him. Even with all of his reasons, she knew she couldn't make that promise and then keep it. Even with that idea that maybe...just maybe he'd become a ghost and linger on because of it - that thing she hated most. She knew she couldn't do it. All of his intentions. All of what he needed to know.
It was all about if he died. But there was one truth that held her back from just complying with his wish. One thing she held onto that was just as true. Just as valid.
"I love you. I love you more than I could ever put into words, Marcus. But......I can't die thinking I lied to make you happy." she replied, mostly deteriorating into sniffles. "I can't make that promise to you, Marcus. I...I just can't. Because then I'd feel guilty every time I couldn't be happy. Every time I couldn't smile. Couldn't laugh.
I wouldn't be the person I am now if I hadn't met you. I couldn't go on being the person I am now without you." It was a heavy burden she was putting on him. She knew this. Never the less, the weight of it was what he deserved to know. They weren't a fairy tale, despite what she was saying about not going on as she was without him.
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
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Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2012 4:43 pm
That wasn't what he wanted to hear. He wanted to hear she'd be okay without him, that's she'd be able to move on and be happy. He worried this might be what he'd hear but he didn't like it. Dis brushed against him mind, reminding him that he wasn't alone. That he wasn't wrong for feeling this way.
"Then promise me... if something happens. You won't give up." He lifted her face kissing at her tear streaked cheeks. "Promise me you'll never give up, that you won't let them tear you down. Just-" He kissed her nose, a small smile playing on his lips, not reaching his eyes, "I want you to live no matter what okay? If I die... I want you to be alright. Well." A small morbid laughed escaped him.
"I don't want this to be the end Cass, I really don't. I don't want this to be goodbye."
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Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2012 5:02 pm
His lips were soft. That had been one of the first observations she'd made about that first kiss. That first-and-maybe-last-at-the-time kiss. Why couldn't she have met him in another life? A better life? Sometime when they didn't have to worry about dying at any moment.
"That.....that I can promise." she relented. "If something happens to either of us, the other one has to go and kill all of those ********. That, I can and will do." She leaned against him, wrapping her arms around him and burying her face into his shoulder. "But I don't want that to be this soon...." she seemed to agree, which she did. She didn't want this to be the last time she saw him.
Held him.
Any of it. She didn't want it to be the last of anything.
After a moment she shifted, reaching to rustle about in her bag - her bag of magical supplies that weren't for 'if you lose your bag' emergencies (those were on her person directly. Aria was a good teacher and Cass a good student), seeming to look forever before she finally pulled out a permanent marker of all things.
Silently, she grabbed his left hand, popped the lid off of the marker, and began to draw. She'd never been the best artist, but she damn well was as careful as she could be as she took the next minute to draw on his hand.
Or rather, she drew a ring on the third finger of his left hand, face as serious as it could possibly be, saying nothing as she looked up at him and let go of it.
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
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Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2012 5:33 pm
What did you do when you didn't know what to do? Answer was you didn't think and you simply moved. Reacted. Cass could promise him that much and- "I promise that not matter what happens, I'll love you. I'd fight for you." Living or dead went unsaid. He wanted to protected her, but this time he couldn't. He had to- had to-
It hurts.
I know.
I thought I'd be able to do this. To just treat it like-
Like everything else? She isn't everything else. There is no shame in it Marcus. There is no shame in falling in love.
As she reached for her bag he waited, wondering what she was looking for. When she pulled out the pen, reached over to grab his hand- The small action of drawing on his had made his smile become real. This was why he loved her. Her face- her actions- "Don't make that face." He kissed her, soft and tender.
"I want to see your smile before I have to go." The kiss after was the one he wanted to linger, to relish. A lover's kiss, and possibly, a lover's good bye.
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Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2012 6:07 pm
"That's a promise I could make too...." she replied softly, almost sadly. It really was terrifying to her. Depressing. Her heart ached. She didn't want him to have to leave her. She wanted to find a corner to hole up in and just sit with him. But it wouldn't be productive.
It wouldn't help either of them. She knew that. Still, she held onto his hand tightly when he leaned in and kissed her - a real kiss. Not one of those passing by kisses. But the kind of kiss he would give her when they were lying in bed together and his hand was running up and down her back or after a particularly rough mission when they'd just be sitting together holding hands and finding nothing to say.
Her free hand went to the back of his neck, tangling in his hair as she leaned back against him, her lips brushing against his over and over and over again. She didn't want to pull away from him. She wanted to just stand there forever. Being near him. Not letting the future actually come to pass.
But it seemed like too soon she did. They could have been standing there for years and it would have felt like too soon to pull away, touching her forehead to his gently. She tried to smile, she tried to make it the best smile she could have ever had. It was difficult, though.
"When this is over," she started softly, "I'll get you a real ring."
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
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Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2012 10:09 pm
He laughed a bit, a real one to. "Idiot. I don't need a ring waiting for me." He gave a gentle squeeze to her hands. "I just need you."
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