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 Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 9:25 am
QUEST FORM
Basics ::
xxxxxName: Tamaki (玉亀)
xxxxxNickname(s): Tama, or anything else that comes up.
xxxxxFaction: Diamonds
xxxxxAge: 21
xxxxxHeight: 5'2"
xxxxxBody Type: Short and slightly pudgy, he's active enough that it just looks like baby fat. Really though, would you trust a skinny baker?
xxxxxBlood Type: A
Poké-basics ::
xxxxxPokemon: Togekiss
xxxxxPokemon type: Normal/Flying
xxxxxNatural Ability: Serene Grace
xxxxxPerma: Nope, he'll fully evolve!
xxxxxMoveset:
xxxxxxTogepi:
xxxxxxx - Metronome | Normal | Status | The user waggles a finger and stimulates its brain into randomly using nearly any move.
xxxxxxx - Sweet Kiss | Normal | Status | The user kisses the target with a sweet, angelic cuteness that causes confusion.
xxxxxxx - Bestow | Normal | Status | The user passes its held item to the target when the target isn't holding an item.
xxxxxxx - Wish | Normal | Status | One turn after this move is used, the target's HP is restored by half the user's maximum HP.
xxxxxxTogetic:
xxxxxxx - Metronome | Normal | Status | The user waggles a finger and stimulates its brain into randomly using nearly any move.
xxxxxxx - Wish | Normal | Status | One turn after this move is used, the target's HP is restored by half the user's maximum HP.
xxxxxxx - Double-Edge | Normal | Physical | A reckless, life-risking tackle. It also damages the user by a fairly large amount, however.
xxxxxxx - Magical Leaf | Grass | Special | The user scatters curious leaves that chase the target. This attack will not miss.
xxxxxxTogekiss:
xxxxxxx - Wish | Normal | Status | One turn after this move is used, the target's HP is restored by half the user's maximum HP.
xxxxxxx - Magical Leaf | Grass | Special | The user scatters curious leaves that chase the target. This attack will not miss.
xxxxxxx - Aura Sphere | Fighting | Special | The user looses a blast of aura power from deep within its body at the target. This move is certain to hit.
xxxxxxx - Air Slash | Flying | Special | The user attacks with a blade of air that slices even the sky. It may also make the target flinch.
Personality ::
xxPositive Traits
xx"No problem! I can get that done by tomorrow!" - Diligent
xxxTamaki's general attitude about anything he has to do, is to just roll his sleeves up and get it done. He enjoys not only the feeling of completing a task, but all the effort it takes to get there. Everything is a challenge to be taken on and defeated. This makes him a bit of a workaholic in respect to his baking, and he very rarely takes time away from work for a little bit of "me" time. Coupled with his tendency to refuse to cut corners even when pressed for time, his "me" time is nigh nonexistant. He also sees no problem with working throughout the night on a project, often working to the point where he just passes out from exhaustion. When he wakes up from this, much needed, rest, he usually flies into a panic and gets for, lack of a better term, grumpy with himself. This often gets directed outwards at others, over silly things like "Why didn't you wake me up!?"
xxxWhen Tama takes on a project, he will see it through till completion. This might seem like a good thing in theory, but in practice it ends up with Tama working for days on a harebrained project, refusing to admit to defeat, and neglecting other duties he has. Couple this with a particularly complex, nigh impossible project, Tama's perfectionist tendencies, and you've got a disaster brewing. He won't quit until it’s done, and heaven forbid you suggest otherwise. More than likely you'll be chased out of the kitchen by a flung pan or stream of curses, or if he's feeling particularly serious you'll get a deadpan, cold stare. If he's feeling more reasonable he'll go off on a tangent listing the inane reasons as to why this particular project just has to be completed, usually including something about his honor as a baker! This extends further than just work, and nearly anytime Tama gets something set in his mind, it is nigh impossible to dissuade him from it. If he has a low opinion of a person, for whatever reason, it will take either a great event or a great amount of time to convince him otherwise.
xxxUltimately though, it is one of his biggest work strengths, letting him take on challenges others would normally balk at.
xxxIn terms of interpersonal relationships, Tamaki greatly values his friendships, and actively works to maintain them. He'll be among the first to plan out a stellar party for a friend who's feeling down. But... he is the type to put work before recreation, and as such, if he has a project keeping him busy he will cancel plans or reject invitations. This can be frustrating to the people who get stood-up in favor of his baked goods, but in keeping with his work ethic, when he can turn his attention to them, he'll work just as hard to make it up to them. He does a little irritated with other people who slack off excessively, or allow their work to pile up while they play around. Usually he can bite his tongue, but if others are being impeded by the person's laziness, he can be quite harsh.
xx"Honestly, I think..." - Truthful
xxxAs a rule, Tamaki strives to be as upfront and honest as he can about everything. He doesn't like lying to people, as he feels it is insulting to both them and himself by denying them an honest answer. He isn't blunt, though, he picks his word carefully and sugarcoats everything, as it is part of his job. If pressed though, pushed to further elaborate or comment, he can become quite harsh with his truthfulness.
xxxIt is foolish to never lie, however, and there are cases where Tama honestly believes a white lie is acceptable. On these occasions he will dwell on the lie for quite some time after, though his guilt level varies. If the lie was told to protect a friend, say from a mishap in the bakery that Tama chose to take the fall for, while he'll feel bad for lying to the person that was affected, he can balance it out with the warm feeling from protecting the other. It is a little easier to handle lies told to customers or strangers, and Tama's reaction to lying to his friends can be a little extreme. Even if he initially tells the lie to protect thier feelings, it will gnaw at the edges of his mind for weeks. This can make him as irritable as his lack of sleep does. In the end, he'll snap and either become irrationally angry or fall onto his kneees begging his friend's forgiveness.
xxxxxNeutral Traits
xx"The lettering is crooked... No! You can't take it out yet... Let me re-do it..." - Perfectionist
Every single thing must be absolutely perfect before Tamaki permits it to leave his kitchen. Not a drop of icing out of place, or lopsided slice of cake. He would rather start over from square one, than to let an imperfect work be sold. This attention to detail makes his goods wonderful works of art, but can really hinder him on elaborate pieces or when he's in a time crunch. I doubt the Red Queen would like to be told that her birthday cake was late because the baker chose to toss it out and start over at the last minute.
Thankfully, his perfectionist driven critique is more aimed at himself, in a case of the usual artistic-type's 'You're your own worst critic' mentality, so he doesn't hold others to the same insane standards as he holds himself.
This can however come off as very condescending, and maybe even hypocritical and insincere, when he rips apart a complex 5-tiered wedding cake he made with a list of minute imperfections, and then turns around to praise an amateur sheet-cake someone made at home. Simply put, he understands baking and all of its intricacies like the back of his hand, and doesn't expect the same level of knowledge from others. He is thrilled when others show an interest in his passion, and takes no issue in lavishing praise like a mother might do towards a child's project. However, if directly confronted about this, his sincerity demands he be honest about the imperfections he perceives. He tries to be gentle, but opening those floodgates can be a little... crushing.
In fields other than baking, particularly in interest fields he is not as well versed in, this can become a major source of frustration for Tamaki. For example, while trying cooking a complex meal, and failing, Tama will constantly compare his results to what he views as a similar level baking. "Whaaat? Why did this extremely difficult to make dish not come out right? If it was this other extremely difficult to make baked good I could do it perfectly!" This could irritate some people who see Tama's constant self-critique as fishing for attention or compliments.
xxxxxNegative Traits
xx"Don't tell me how to do what I do!" - Rebellious
xxxTamaki is extremely resistant to external controls and authority figures, perceived or real. The very idea that someone would dare to tell him what to do and how to do it, chafes as much as a set of real chains would. And to these attempts to control him, this normally cheerful baker responds very aggressively. Even a well intentioned friend, worried about his health from long nights working, would be well advised to not critique his work-habits, or worse, try to forcibly intervene and drag him out. Best case scenario would be said friend being rebuffed and then given the cold shoulder until Tama is done working. Worst case, if they push or scale-up thier efforts, Tama will physically resist.
xxxHis love for independence, his and others', leads him to also quite actively protect it. As a child his ability to do so is limited, so as he grows, he makes and effort to be better able to act on his desires.
xxxIn the cases where it is imperative for him to bow to the will of another, he does so begrudgingly and with none of the care he normally gives to his actions. After the fact, he laments and beats himself up over giving in. This can often be marked by a negative shift in his attitude towards others in general, even if they were uninvolved.
xxxThis rebelliousness also comes into play with his customers. While he is normally quite sweet and doting to his customers, as he enjoys their patronage, customers that are unreasonably demanding grate on his nerves to no end. While he will grin and bear their behavior for a time, once he gets pushed over that magical breaking point, all concerns for being sweet go out the window and he defends his creations and decisions with unrelenting fervor.
xx"... Oh! No! What do I do!? What do I do!?" - Excitable
xxx This particular facet of Tama's personality really shines through while he's working. The prospect of a new project really gets Tamaki going, to the point that he can be a little over the top in his reactions. This level of passion is generally thought of to be a good thing, but it shows up more frequently in a different, not helpful way.
xxx Normally Tamaki can keep a calm, level head while working. But when something goes wrong, be it falling asleep in the middle of working or discovering a flaw at the last minute, Tama flies into an instant panic. Dishes and ingredients will start flying, and he'll race around trying to fix things, only he usually makes things worse. Without outside guidance, this will usually continue on until Tama runs out of steam again, but on some rare occasions Tama himself can master his more anxious tendencies. Remarkably, he can handle last minute customer requests quite well. It is almost as if the revised request resets him back to his beginning, "roll up the sleeves and work" mindset.
xxx Outside of the kitchen, this trait can make it hard for people to handle Tamaki. It would take the patience of a saint to get through one of Tama's fits of excitement, let alone multiple ones. Hand him some new kitchen contraption, even a dinky one with a super-specialized use, and Tama will carry on endlessly about it and all the new possibilities it opens up, etc, etc.
xxxxxLikes:
xxxxxxx The sun and fresh air, sweet things, windows, independence, happiness
xxxxxDislikes:
xxxxxxx Bitter and bland tasting things, stuffy rooms, being bossed around, external controls on his life, needless strife, imperfect work (of his own)
xxxxxFavourite Food:
xxxxxxx Is it sweet? Is it baked? Then yes. Other than that, he enjoys savory and hearty types of meals, potato soup, curries, etc.
xxxxxHobbies:
xxxBaking - Tama developed an interest in baking early on in childhood, and has since absolutely devoted his energy to learning it. While this extends to stuff like bread, his real focus is on sweet baked things~
xxxJogging - Part of being a baker, is tasting what you make. That can make you chubby if you're not careful. So, Tama took up jogging as a way of keeping himself in shape. It also gives him an excuse to be out in the sun more.
xxxArt - Part-and-parcel with baking, in Tama's mind. What good is a tasty cake, that no one will ear because it looks gross? He enjoys sketching out designs for everything from big elaborate cakes, to little cookies.
xxxxxInterests:
xxxCooking - Having devoted his time to focus on the intricacies of baking, Tamaki neglected other aspects of cooking. While he isn't bad at it, he is limited, and desires to remove these limitations when he has free time.
xxxMusic - While baking, nothing helps the inspiration flow more than a song! Tama likes to sing, though he's reluctant to do so around others.
xxxTea - His caretaker sold tea, so he spent much of his time around it as a child. He has an appreciation for the drink, though he never took the time to learn its intricacies.
xxxReading - Books opened the door to baking for Tamaki, and he has always appreciated this. While he doesn't have as much time to read as he'd like, he makes a point of at least reading a new book every couple weeks.
xxxxxFaction Opinion: "I really like it here. There's no fighting over space. I get to bake what I want, when I want, and my treats are always in demand."
Tama has a strong aversion to both controlling, authoritarian figures, and pointless fighting. This of course is what makes the other factions, Hearts and Spades in particular, tick. Clubs he is fairly neutral towards, as he does think they have the right idea about fun. He has a very negative opinion of the faction conflict, and cherishes the neutrality and peace that Diamonds affords him more than all the baked goods in the world.
xxxxxAspirations: "There's not enough happiness in the world. Sweet things make people happy, so, I want to give everyone the best sweets they can imagine."
As one might expect of the Togepi line, Tamaki is very concerned with the joy and happiness of others. He wants to leave a lasting impact on the world, one that makes everyone happier, and he uses his baking as a means to achieve this end.
xxxxxFears: "War is useless and pointless. It just makes people sad, usually for no reason at all..."
Tamaki has an intense fear of getting either personally pulled into the faction conflict, or the conflict spilling into his figurative "backyard" in Diamonds. This is in part because of the unhappiness conflict spreads, which runs counter to his aspirations. It also stems from a fear of the Red Queen, and other authoritarian type figures, who he thinks would regulate and control his work and life. Furthermore, Tamaki loathes feeling powerless to stop influences such as these.
Employment::
xxxxxTitle: Patissier of Perfection
xxxxxJob: Tamaki runs a small bakery that specializes in cakes, cookies, pastries, and other sweet baked goods. Being attached to a cafe/tea-shop, his primary business is supplying tea-time delicacies. However, this doesn't stop him from pursuing more elaborate ventures on request, or whim. (Concerning the low-tech status of Diamonds, he does cook with old-fashioned, wood-burning stoves and oven.)
Appearance::
xxxxxHair: Totally up to the artist~ I like surprises!
xxxxxEyes: Same as above~
xxxxxSkin tone: Maybe a lighter tan? His job keeps him inside, but he likes to go out in the sun whenever he can.
xxxxxPalette: I'm not to great with colors, but here are a couple palettes that caught my eye. Again, up to the artist~
xxxxxClothing: Hmm, probably practical but fashionable. Easy to cover with an apron or chef's coat, and he probably stays away from long sleeves. (They'd get in the way and get all messy)
xxxxxAdditional: I totally want him to keep his glasses. They're cute!
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Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 9:41 am
RP EntryQuote: Tamaki stared reverently at the object in his hands. Surely there had to be a mistake. He hadn't expected to receive a gift, not on this day of all days. And certainly not from that person. A faint tinge of pink colored his cheeks as he recalled the oh-so-nonchalant hand-off of his gift. It was like they didn't realize how important it was, or what day it was. But, that didn't make it any less precious. He ran his hands over the cover of the book, his mind momentarily preoccupied with his mysterious gift-giver. He'd always looked up to them, they were his role-model in a way. But he didn't think they had ever even noticed his looks of adoration.That thought made his blush grow stronger, this time from embarrassment. Shaking his head to clear away the thoughts, he carefully lifted the cover of the book and thumbed through its pages. As the colorful illustrations and meticulous lines of text flashed past him, he made an internal resolution. 'I will read every entry in this book... And by White Day, I will give the greatest gift ever in return.' ------- It was the morning of White Day, early morning to be precise. Or does 1am still count as night? Either way, Tamaki stood in the kitchen with a dozen pots and pans, up to his elbows in flour and sugar. The whole kitchen was a mess. Every conceivable counter space held a mixing bowl or baking dish of some sort, and the stove was crowded with a variety of chocolatey things bubbling away. On a make-shift table in the center of all this chaos, Tamaki stood peering at a propped open book. Despite the mess around it, the book was pristine, with not even the slightest puff of flour on its pages. "Alright... Take the bottom most layer and hollow out the center..." Tamaki muttered to himself as he turned his attention to the baking dish currently on the table. It was a very rich looking chocolate cake, and from the way it smelled, fresh from the oven. With careful precision, Tamaki moved a knife lightly over the cake's surface, tracing out the part that would need to be removed. Behind him however, and pot gave a violent hiss, and a large bubble of molten chocolate popped, splattering across the stove top. Turning from his current task, Tamaki darted to the stove, knife still in hand, and swiped at the dial to turn the burner's heat to low. It wasn't time for that yet... So he couldn't let it cool. Shoot! The cake... If it cooled too... He spun back to the baking dish to finish his initial task while it was still soft. This continued for hours until dawn was peeking through the windows. Finally, Tamaki stood back, grinning proudly at his creation. In the hollowed out center of his chocolate base cake, he had placed a red velvet cake layer that was twice as tall. There were small cutouts on the side of this cake, in the shape of delicate flowers, and they had in turn been filled with the chocolate center from the base cake. The base cake and top of the red velvet had been carefully covered in royal icing, with spirals of drizzled chocolate that traced out 'Happy White Day' in fancy calligraphy. The final touch, finished not moments before was a heart shaped from dark chocolate, with white chocolate lettering across it. 'Thank you' It was absolutely perfect, Tamaki concluded in his head, as he wiped a stray bit of icing off of the tray the cake sat on. He reached over and closed the book that had taught him all of this, sliding it into its protective carrying case with reverence. It truly had been a most wonderful gift, and a wonderful teacher. Beaming with success, Tamaki covered the cake carefully, lifted it, and set off to return the greatest of gifts ever. Quote: Set 1: (English) - Earl Grey Tea - Blackcurrant scone w/ clotted cream and strawberry jam - English Tea Pastries w/ Raspberry filling - Chocolate Sponge cake Set 2: (Turkish) - Rize Tea - Rahat Lokum* (Turkish Delight) [Rose, Mint, Lemon] - Baklava (Poppy Honey + Walnut) - Almond Macaroon w/ Clotted Cream Set 3: (Japanese) - Matcha - Azuki and Matcha Cake Roll - Momiji Manju* w/ azuki filling - Imagawayaki w/ vanilla custard filling Set 4: (Russian) - Russian Caravan (blend of oolong, keemun, and lapsang souchong teas) - Cranberry scones w/ Whipped Cream and Marmalade - Napoleon Torte - Strawberry Cakes Set 5: (Mexican) - Aztecan Hot Chocolate - Almond Cookies - Pan Dulce - Marranitos (Molasses Pig shaped cookies) Set 6: (Tama's Specialty) - Matcha - Chocolate Cake with Mint, Tangerine, Dark Chocolate ganache - Strawberry Shortcake - Wafer Cookies (Chocolate, Vanilla, Strawberry) Assorted: - Small Cupcakes (Red Velvet especially) - Almond or Chocolate Crossaints - Brownies - Assorted Cookies - Cinnamon Rolls * = Ordered elsewhere? Shou makes them?
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Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 2:04 pm
Okay, heyo! I'm gonna talk about things in order, from top to bottom, so you can run on down it with me !
Man, what is it with Diamonds and the food industry? Diamond seems like a gigantic restaurant xD
I think Tamaki has the potential to become a strong character, but I want to establish my big issue right away: I have no idea what Tamaki is all about. You've only written his personality in regards to his work at his bakery, and the problem with that is: what happens if he's out of his bakery? Not everyone is going to want to come in and buy things from Tamaki in an RP, and you may have to strike out into the world, scary as that may be! You're going to see this come up throughout my crit, so now you know where I'm coming from!
Hard-working – Reasonable enough trait! What I want to know, though, is how this affects Tamaki's relationships with others! Does he work hard to keep up friendships, and does his hard work through the night ever get him grumpy? Think about how he acts when he's with others, rather than how he acts when he's working in the bakery!
Sincere – This is closer to being on the right track! However, I see absolutes in this trait. He NEVER acts on false feelings? That seems a little bit tough! I want you to try to think of exceptions, little concessions you can make where Tamaki isn't so sincere. What if someone else likes something he's baked, but he doesn't like it himself? Or vice versa? Is he going to be completely truthful with this person? Or is he going to lie so that he can keep his record clean?
Also, I'm not really understanding how sincerity shows in his baking! Maybe move this back to hard-working?
Perfectionist – Now, this trait is good. This is more like it. This is my favorite kind of trait, because it lets me work my magic with you questers. From this trait, we can get Tamaki's big issue that can make him unappealing to some. Doesn't this trait make him sort of... arrogant, and haughty? He thinks he knows what's perfect, and will even go so far as to throw out what he's working on to make sure it conforms to HIS standards. He never goes on 'pity-dates,' which obviously means he has a level of guy that he's too good to go out with. That's going to turn a pretty few off that might have wanted to be friends. He doesn't hold others to his standards – Is this because he thinks they couldn't live up to them?
Do you see what I'm doing, here? Giving him a bit of antagonism just below the surface gives him some depth, makes him a little easier to understand. I've never known somebody to be a hard workers, a perfectionist, and a completely person without being a LITTLE full of themselves.
Disorganized – Now, this trait strikes me as a little odd when compared to the rest of his character. Wouldn't this make his life VERY difficult? How is he going to keep up the image of the perfect baker if he has a reputation for clumsy work and a poorly-kept working environment? Wouldn't this trait be setting him up for a career-ruining mistake?
I honestly think Tamaki doesn't need this trait. You should consider replacing it with Arrogant or Haughty, as I outlined before! Now, keep in mind that you don't HAVE to, but I can't really think of any other alternatives for Tamaki, and I don't see it ending very well for him.
Stubborn – Once again, I'm struck by how well arrogant would fit with this. He just can't give up what he's doing because that would be so below him!
My only suggestion for this trait is to just expand a little, and tell me just HOW he'd act if somebody 'suggest(s) otherwise.'
Fears – I'm not sure what's going on here! Is he afraid of sugar not being a real thing...? Because sugar IS a real thing, so this fear is kind of groundless and irrelevant. What I want to see in the fears is something tangible, something Tamaki tries his hardest to avoid, rather than his worst nightmare.
Okay, there's a bit to chew through here, but I think you've got all the parts to make Tamaki really reasonable and understandable now. If you have any questions, or you'd like to talk with me one-on-one in case something I've said doesn't make sense, you can always send me a PM and we can talk!
Good luck, and I'll see you real soon <3
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Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 2:05 pm
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Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 5:20 pm
The March Hare needs his snackies? biggrin I dunno, maybe food industry people like being neutral? Here's whats been updated, as well as some more flailing attempts at me explaining things. Let me know if I just muddled things up more though. ^^; ---------- Hard-Working: Added more on how it affects relationships and the like~ Sincere: Re-worded "pity-dates" and clarified original intent. Reacted to mentioned situations, hopefully added a few concessions where "sincerity" might fall into the grey area. Perfectionism: Clarified intended "type" of perfectionism, as well as expanded on the whole "not holding others to the same standards." Added a little bit concerning his self criticism in fields outside his expertise. Disorganized: I picked this one partly because of Tama's more artist-y way of working, the kitchen with its utensils flung about is meant to be akin to an artist's workplace with pens, brushes, paints, etc all over the place. Most kitchens are similar, unless you clean up as you go. And at most restaurants and bakeries, you don't see the back room where all the cooking is done unless you ask. As with real restaurants, should he ever be asked, he'd probably do a mad dash to clean things up. I also thought the trouble this presented to his perfectionism was a nice contrasting mesh, and also a bit of a trope inversion, since most perfectionists are seen as very neat and orderly, bordering on OCD. As for the career-ruining mistake potential, that is certainly a minor plot hook I wanted to add in. At some point, running things on his own, Tama is going to need help to keep him from ruining everything, which I thought would be a nice chance for him to perhaps seek an assistant. I hope this explains things a bit better, but if you really think that this is an unworkable concept I can try changing it. Stubborn: Added reaction to the "suggest(s) otherwise" bit Fears: Updated! I wasn't really sure what to put here initially, but I think I managed to come up with a better, more realistic set of fears for him! Arrogant: I briefly considered this trait also, when I picked perfectionism as his neutral trait, but I decided ultimately it wasn't the kind of character I had in mind for Tama. He's sweet and well-intentioned, even if he comes off as condescending, hypocritical, or blunt. I think maybe some of my initial wording gave off the wrong impression, such as "pity-dates", which I meant not from a place of high standards, but more as an issue of type, compatibility, emotions, etc. That is to say, he won't date someone just because he'd feel bad rejecting them. Or something like that. I think I'm bad at explaining. D: As for the arrogance stemming from perfectionism, like I tried to explain a bit better in the updated blurb, its internally directed. Its inspired by the Greek term "Arete" which is, forgive the military sounding quote, "Being the best you can be." I also was hesitant to use this trait because, combined with others, he'd remind me of Cassanova a bit. And there's not enough room for two cool cats like that~ ---------- And so, I submit him to more critique~
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Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 6:26 pm
You've done an awesome job expanding on a few pieces of the advice that I gave, but I think that I was a tad poor at explaining myself, as well.
As for disorganized... I've taken classes at the CIA in Hyde Park, NY, I've entertained notions of becoming a chef in the past, I've known professional bakers and chefs alike. The first thing they teach you, and indeed, the most important part of a professional establishment, is that your area needs to be clean and organized. Being an artist is great when you're painting, but when you're making food for consumption... Disorganization leads to messiness, messiness leads to dirtiness, and it's only a matter of time before somebody gets sick from some of his baked goods. It's all well and good to have this idea for a later plot hook, but my experiences tell me that Tamaki would never make it far enough to get established for such a situation.
As for your choice to ignore my advice on arrogance... You say you want Tamaki to be 'sweet and well-intentioned,' but that isn't enough for me. Tamaki doesn't have a single internal issue that I can see, he has nothing that gives him flaws as a character, and at the moment, all I take from him is that he's the “picture perfect, inexhaustible baker to all of Wonderland,” and that just can't be. He can't not have a flaw, because then he lacks depth. I hate to be blunt, be shallow characters aren't interesting, and while you might have fun playing him, he's not going to be fun to play WITH.
Now, you've tapdanced over my attempt to suggest a flaw for Tamaki, so I'll put it plainly: I can't approve this until I see some depth added to him. And not just things that make his life difficult in the bakery, but problems that hold him back as a person, that give him difficulties with people and himself.
You say he fears conflicts and authority; do you think you could maybe find something in this? Think on it a bit.
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Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 6:44 pm
It wasn't my intent to ignore or "tapdance" on your suggestions. I merely was explaining my logic behind his character. So I apologize if this has upset you, as it seems it has.
It also was not my attempt to make a Mary-Sue-esque, shallow character. I was trying to go for something more light-hearted and fun, considering the setting and his faction.
I'll take Tamaki back to the concept stage with what I've worked out and see how I can adjust his traits to make him more interesting.
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Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2012 8:57 pm
Alright. I talked over the character concept with someone a bit more well-versed in HnKnA and Alice in general on ideas on how to add a different negative trait to the character, while still keeping in mind my original concept based off the Togepi's line abilities and descriptions.
I replaced "disorganized" with "rebellious" and tweaked the Fears and Aspirations portion of the form with a bit more information. Hope this is a step in the right direction at least.
Edit: Tinkered around more, streamlined trait blurbs and renamed "Rebellious" to "Combative", etc etc
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Posted: Fri Mar 30, 2012 12:00 am
Hey Dun~!
I'm going to give another crit to hopefully help you along your way.
I work in a similar way that Domi does where I go down your quest and mention things as I see them, however there is one thing I feel I should mention. Where you begin to put the personality and following information is rather clumpy and kind of hard to read through. With that said though, let me continue.
Domi has given a lot of good crit here and I have to agree. You have changed it quite a bit and addressed those issues which is good by me. I can see Tamaki as someone who needs to be in charge of his kitchen, a perfectionist, hard working and such. I can see that a lot of those traits make him likeable and people will respect that. I also see how that stubbornness is a flaw, but I think that Domi is right that there needs to be something about him that people don't like, something that makes him lame to be around.
I am super happy you decided to throw in a trait that way, however I am finding some difficulty in the fact that you've chosen combative. Now don't get me wrong, I do like this trait as a flaw as anyone who just immediately takes it to that level I wouldn't get along with all of the time. I can see that it would fit in, especially if he is so stubborn in his ways and such that it would cause him to be combative towards others who attempt to force their will on him such as trying to pull him from a project, him not allowing people to help etc.
What is confusing me though is that he fears the conflict of the factions and does not want to get involved. With a combative trait I can't see this really working together. Take for instance that in his fears you state he doesn't like what conflict brings, what difference is there in small or large conflict? Why is one okay and the other not? And if he is faced with an attack from another faction member in some shape or form – does he run to avoid the conflict or does he stubbornly stand and fight?
While I do understand people and characters as personality do have conflicting traits I feel that this is too big of one in this world to ignore. To attempt to be neutral is amiable and I think can be done, but not with a trait like that.
Other than those notes I really like Tamaki. If you just straighten the format a little and think about what I've put here then he can be an amazing character with the depth he needs.
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Posted: Fri Mar 30, 2012 1:20 pm
I hadn't realized how clumped up things had gotten! I was working on my netbook which only showed one paragraph at a time, but now that I'm back to my PC, I definitely see the issue there. Added a bunch of line breaks, so hopefully that'll be easier to read! Anyway, I think I've let my wording flub things up a bit again. To me, there is a very distinct difference between interpersonal-scale conflicts and ones as large as the faction conflicts. Yes, they both bring about unhappiness, but its on a different scale. A personal level fight will affect the two people involved, and maybe an inner circle. It could potentially be solved with an "I'm sorry" and some cookies. Faction conflict, with death and chaos and the like, isn't going to end just because Eian and the Red Queen decide to kiss and make up. The factions have been at each others' throats for years, and thats not going to just vanish because the leaders are done with it. Even if that ends the official conflict, the damage is done and will take years to heal. Consider the aftermath of real-world wars. There are still people who rankle over things that happened in WWII, particularly the "Thats for Pearl Harbor!" comments that came out directed at Japan in last years Tsunami catastrophe. Its YEARS past, those people probably were not even indirectly affected, yet such opinions still exist. Anyway, I was talking to Ret, going over the questions you asked, and she helped by making this write up of our conversation, which I hope covers all the bases, and makes the trait make a little more sense. Quote: His combativeness is set purely at the individual level, not the social level of Wonderland as a whole. It is geared toward issues surround himself directly, not events on a wide scale. A small, individual level conflict is far different than a conflict affecting all of society for Tamaki. For example, if someone tells him he cannot use red and green fondant on the same cake because the colors clash, this is far different than hearing about the queen’s executions or the mafia murdering people. Getting combative on a physical level with someone in his store over a cake is bad, yes, however, it doesn’t add to a war. It may cause emotional or even physical pain on either side, yes, but it is not the same as a war; war involves chaos, murder, death, the theft of people’s very lives. It is entirely different. Tama disdains war; it drags people in needlessly whether they want to be involved or not when certainly, in his mind, there must be other ways to solve the problems between the warring parties. In short, to Tama, while getting physical violent with someone contradicting him in the bakery may be bad, it’s fine because it is not contributing to that which he scorns: war. Being in the neutral territory of Diamonds, Tama doesn’t need to worry quite so much about being attacked by another faction. However, if a member of another faction were to attack him, this would cause the world of Tama the individual and the world of society Tama lives in to clash. He does not want to add to the horrors of war; this goes against his dream of ending all strife. At the same time, he is not going to simply allow himself to be killed. Also to be considered is whether this assailant was a person he knew, thus personalizing the event, and if so the relation to that person. He would be less inclined to fight back against an old friend than someone he was on bad terms with already. As a result, his reaction to the attack would ultimately depend on the situation. For example, if it was a Hearts member he was previously on good terms with, he'd probably defend and run at the first chance. If a Spades member he'd previously been antagonized by attacked him, he would likely fight. As for Clubs, who he is neutral towards by and large, with no prior relation to the person, it would definitely be a bolt moment. He would not want to hurt an old friend regardless of the situation; it would be a moment of betrayal and confusion. A prior aggressor already in the realm of his individual world is much different. In the case of someone Tama did not know, he would have no reason to try to fight them; doing so would only facilitate further aggression and war which he seeks to end through means other than fighting since hate and pain serve only to breed more of the same. This, again, contrasts to the example of someone who has already harmed Tama in the past in one form or another; a person such as that would be viewed by Tama as being part of his individual issues as opposed to being on the broad scale of the war. I hope this makes everything clearer, as I really didn't see a conflict between the trait and his fears. Just let me know if it still doesn't make sense~!
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Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 1:12 pm
HELLO o uo So let's see if we can work this out? I've split my critique up into two parts! The first part, before the break, is how I see things now o uo Without having read any of the other crits. The second part addresses any comments you have made on the issues! <3
In Sincere, just perhaps be careful to specify that when he "sugar-coats" the truth he's not making things up, or that's directly in contradiction with the trait that this is a part of xD; Like.. he can have a way with words that means he's good at saying something true, but ultimately if he's "sugar-coating" in a way that's untrue to save someone's feelings it should be a different trait, not "sincerity."
As a quirk, "scatterbrained" and disorganized do not fit the previous descriptions at all. A Hard worker who is also a perfectionist should never allow himself to slip into these things; if he naturally has poor organizational skills but he is a perfectionist, then he would naturally work harder at masking those imperfections. If he is a professional, and it says he keeps to his deadlines, this would not possibly at all be a good "quirk" unless you explain that he works very hard in one of his other traits to counter it, and what effect this has on him. In that case, however, perfectionist would ideally be bumped into negative traits, combative and stubborn could easily be combined, and we could either find you a new neutral trait or switch you over to the personality model #2. My other concern is that perhaps "Ineffecient" would even be a better negative trait if you expect him to be both disorganized and a slow worker (if he starts early but still takes to the deadline... that is definitely slow).
This is one very important thing to think about: if his whole life focuses on baking, I think he would sincerely benefit from having a specialty. It would enrich his personality a lot, and give him a really interesting talent. For example, some are extremely talented with fondant, and can sculpt masterpieces: some of the fondant experts maybe excel at scene construction, some at hyper-realism, some at making little people. Or maybe because of his talent with art he's really good at air-brushing cakes. Maybe his specialty is pies, and he is the best pie-baker of all. Really, right now, he doesn't have a specialization, and I feel like he could really stand out if you thought more about what makes Tama a really good baker. If he's not good, then by all means, build that in to his quest! Explain that he's rough around the edges but working. That gives him aspirations in a more tangible sense. Essentially, all bakers have something they "prefer" to do, just like any artist. Show us more of that, and you should be a lot closer to the finish line!
I think most of the problem with his "fear" lies behind the fact that "combative" is a trait name. In all honesty, both his negative traits sound like forms of mulishness or stubbornness at the moment, and "combative" makes it sound like he shouldn't really be afraid of conflict, given he's all too eager to bring it into his own life.
To summarize, here are the main causes for concern in the quest!
Tama does not have a specialty as a baker, which makes him sound flat. Give him a specialization, preferences, etc, and he'll gain a lot more depth.
Making him like combat and fighting styles does not suit his profession, his other interests, his career or his traits. Alternatively, he can be a baker who likes to fight, but then you need to build it into the rest of his personality. It can't just appear suddenly with no explanation, etc. If you want to do this, please put fighting into his history, his positive traits and explain that his combativeness employs fighting styles. Just because he doesn't like the "violent" styles doesn't mean this makes sense :( He's also supposed to be kinda pudgey, so... he clearly doesn't keep himself in shape. What would he do in terms of fighting if that was the case?
If he is a perfectionist who cannot maintain perfection, he should have a sincere problem as a result of this. It can't just be like "Oh, no big deal, I just can't keep my space clean." I am personally a combo of perfectionist and "eh... whatever, leave it" and hold myself to high standards, but I am more disorganized than I am a perfectionist. And in art... Man, I keep a list of things I need to do, usually-- in a business like baking, if you're late, a customer will be pissed; if Tama's disorganized and gets an order wrong because of it, that is a huge no. If you want to make him this mix, then I suggest making him work under someone who is a perfectionist. That way, he can have a balance of the two, you can elaborate on any negative consequences / punishment Tama might receive, but you have a safety net that keeps him believable.
PART TWO
I understand why you wouldn't want to employ the perfectionist > OCD trope! But in this particular case, the reason we're trying to focus so much on this is because he also owns and operates his own business, right? So all of it together makes it kind of implausible D:
Adding the assistant... while it would sort of help, doesn't make sense as to how he got even this far on his own. If he was doing all of this alone, he'd really need to combat his disorganization. My final advice to you is if you want to keep him as the owner, you need to build in some strategies he has for staying organized and clean in his environemnt. What you can do the, if you want to justify finding an assistant, is say that under extreme stress his disorganization shows and he can't keep things together as well, which irks his perfectionism. In that case, he'd seek out an assistant for whenever he's really too stressed to handle it alone. Does this sound like a good compromise? If you really want him to be disorganized so that he can develop, what I equally recommend is that he starts off as an assistant and by adult has his own shop. By then, he should have learned ways to keep organized and clean. Another alternative is that he keeps his counters clean, for his cooking area, but the place where he decorates is messy. Otherwise you pose a health hazard, a fire hazard, risk ruining baking, a pest hazard (there ARE rats and mice in Sleepless, remember!) etc. These are all very, very real problems and as much fun as it would be to just say "well he's an artist," he's also a businessman unless he is someone's assistant.
I did, in fact, read the extremely long explanation as to your and Ret's opinion as to why combativeness should work. However, combative by nature has a military association, and as a pudgy baker, this is not jiving with me. On top of that, the reason why it doesn't sound like just a "personal" conflict is because it also says he's interested in fighting styles. I see two conflicting personalities within one person here; while it makes sense that people can have conflict traits, the space you're using to create this disconnect could be better used to explain other aspects of Tamaki that give him more focus and depth. He is in Diamonds, which is the Neutral faction, so a love of battle or combat doesn't make much sense in that respect either, at all.
Basically, my advice to you is above; both Never and Domi see trouble with combative, and I do as well. He is a pudgy baker in diamonds faction; I need your cooperation with us in this respect. If you'd like to talk it out with me via IM, please do so! Todearmylove is my address. If you prefer MSN, then find me at i_am_nobody_@msn.com. I'll be helping you from now on o uo The sooner we can work this out, the sooner you can play Tamaki! And that's what we all want, after all.
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Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 3:59 pm
Hey, Facey, I know it's not my app but I feel it necessary to post here and I'm just going to comment on your crit as I go because... frankly, right of the bat, there's something that really disturbs me about it and I'm going to bold this because it's really, really important. You need to clear your cache and/or do a hard refresh. What you read is not Dun's current Quest for Tamaki. It has been changed drastically since what you read and it appears your browser did not register the changes.She updated it about 5 am last night with all the edits she worked on with Concept (I was online at the time when she was editting, so I know, haha). "In Sincere," - You said this and I knew immediately that you weren't reading the correct Quest. Dun changed Sincere a long time ago. She added "Truthful" instead and it has been almost entirely rewritten. Combative was also completely replaced. Just to clarify, his current traits are as follows: Diligent, Truthful, Perfectionist, Defensive, and Excitable. Being a "pastry chef" actually is a specialization; they specialize in well... pastries. So, for example, Tama CAN bake yummy cakes, but he will always be best at the smaller things. Quote: Pastry is the name given to various kinds of baked products made from ingredients such as flour, sugar, milk, butter, shortening, baking powder, and/or eggs. Small cakes, tarts and other sweet baked products are called "pastries." That's from Wikipedia. Here's the link to the page on pastries. If you'll take a look, they're mostly small treats and things! Besides, we really need a specialist in things like tarts! It's Wonderland, Facey. Tarts are a major thing here~ Since I already said combative was complete removed, I'm not going to reiterate that. Not sure what to say about the perfectionist bit since I believe parts of that have also been revised. BUT, Facey, I do want to let you know something VERY important! My character, Shouji, works with Tamaki. One of his traits is "Efficient." I added this purposefully for roleplay with Tamaki; he helps keep him in line. ...Shou really doesn't stand for Tama's whole... rolling pin in freezer organizational quirks. Shou is really intolerant about it... do you remember that picture I drew with Tama getting kicked in the head? THAT is what happens. xD Does this make you feel a little better? Tama was never intended to work alone at the bakery once I was coerced into joining this! I suppose we should have mentioned this sooner~ ------------------------------------------ Moving onto your Part 2... What I'm guessing will happen with Shouji and Tamaki is they'll already be friends by the time Tama wants to open his bakery. Shou does have other aspirations, but he's there for his friends... and while he loves his caretaker, he doesn't like some other people who also live there. He's not going to remain living there, so moving out and sticking with Tama will be utterly fantastic to him. He'll have that fancy "assistant" job at the bakery (day-time, specifically; he still works with his old caretaker making boats (...yeah there's a backstory here about the boats but we'll probably get to that on my quest, yes?) on days and some nights the bakery is closed). He takes it in part not just to get away from home life, but also because Tama would be a bit useless without him, haha. Not entirely useless, but... things run more smoothly with him around. ...and uhhh. It's not a matter of cleanliness, I believe we mentioned. The disorganized part was a more a matter of where things are, not... oh my god its a mess there's frosting on the ceiling sort of idea, you know? xD Since combative was removed, I'm not really going to comment here. Again, I'm not sure what's wrong with your browser; I saw this entire post updated last night. Some part that your read had been gone ages ago as far as I know. =/ So, Facey, if you could... could you please do a hard refresh of this page?
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Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 4:36 pm
Five in the morning, that would explain it, as I opened the quest last night when we were talking about it in-thread. I had already started to reply by then. It took me a long time to type up those notes o uo So I guess since it was updated at such an abnormal time, you're right, it hadn't shown. Weird, though! I had some staff look over the quest this morning too, and they saw the same problems I did! Two people, in fact. I guess that all of us but you still had the old info until just now. How strange. Typically I ask that people take care of their own quests, Ret; it's extremely abnormal that you, instead of Dun, would reply to me. Anyway, humouring that, I will look at it--
I'm about to re-read the quest, but to address your concerns: Ctrl+F "pastry chef" on this page, and you'll find that it isn't mentioned a single time except for where you state it. Being a pastry chef is not a specialization, it is typically the name given to those who pursue professions involving baked goods rather than savoury foods. If you'd like a definition for that, here you go:
Pastry Chef A pastry chef or pâtissier (pronounced: [pa.ti.sje]; the correct French female version of the word is pâtissière, [pa.ti.sjɛʁ]) is a station chef in a professional kitchen, skilled in the making of pastries, desserts, breads and other baked goods. They are employed in large hotels, bistros, restaurants, bakeries, and some cafés.
That is not a specialization. Notice how it lists all the different baked goods, in general, that pastry chefs can be expected to do. Again, if you'd like to CTRL+F this page, tarts aren't mentioned anywhere except in your reply. As much as I'd like to know these things, I can't unless they're in the quest itself, hon!
I cannot crit quests in tandem with other quests, I can only offer comments based on what I see here! That's part of the crit system; I know you and Dun said you weren't familiar with this process o uo So in that respect, the reason why it remains a problem is that Tama is a business owner. Unless Shou is his partner in business, and always has been, it is difficult to imagine him starting a bakery alone with these traits. In that case, you can merely have Dun put this information into the trait description so that it explains how he can possibly be disorganized but still maintain a working bakery.
Strange, I didn't see you clarify anywhere that being disorganized wasn't related to mess. I'm also not sure how he is disorganized, then; if he's not messy, and he can get his work done on time, how is he disorganized? o uo Yes, I can refresh, and will do so shortly.
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Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 5:04 pm
Alrighty. I'm just going to call this quits. I'm sorry Facey, and Domi, and Never for all the time you've wasted on this clearly unworkable concept. I have put more time and effort into writing things up for a character I've never roleplayed, than I have for characters I've been actively roleplaying for the past 6-10 years. I apologize that Ret commented, instead of me, but to be honest, its because I just wanted to give up right then and there. This whole process is extremely disheartening. I was feeling good, working things out with Concept, and adjusting so it made a bit more sense. But whatever. At this point, just rehome this egg. I have never heard much good about Gaia based roleplays from my normal haunts, but when I saw this shop, and talked to everyone in it, I thought it would work out just fine. I was excited for this concept, and thought it would be fun and refreshing. Clearly, not. This character concept isn't just pulled out of nowhere. Its based upon people and characters I know. The "Disorganized Perfectionist" is my mother, who is as clean as can be, but when she gets going cooking she hyper focuses and things just go to chaos around her. The "hard-working"/"diligent" traits were also drawn from her, as she has a HUGE tendency to work herself to exhaustion when others are just like 'Nope, I'm done.' The "Health-Conscious Pasty Chef" is one of my friends who went to school to be a Pastry Chef (Yes. It is a specialization. She paid an additional 75k to be licensed as one, on top of normal culinary school.) The "Combative" part, yes was shoe-horned in a bit, but because it was said he needed a more unlikeable trait. But it was drawn from a Korean Drama character, Kim Sam-Soon, who is very much a combative, argumentative person. It doesn't mean shes always looking for a fight. I've tried, and tried to explain and rewrite for you guys. The fact of the matter is, this whole system isn't Character Development. Its boxing myself into limitations, rather than establishing starting points to develop from in actual roleplay. I am really sorry, if this comes across as angry or snarky. Its not meant to. But I'm just really tired and drained from working this concept to death.
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Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2012 5:15 pm
I am sincerely sorry that you feel this way, Dun. I realize that you based it on real people, but we explained to you time and again. Does your mother own her own bakery?... Does she run a successful business that way? I didn't even get to look at your revisions, you could have waited until I saw what you'd changed o_o Since Ret pointed out I was looking at an outdated quest.
I never once criticized the "hard-working" trait, did I? The system isn't "boxing yourself into limitations." What happened was you were dismissive to my critique staff, and they have been hand-picked because they know what they're talking about, they're generally friendly, and I care for them very much.
I'll give you a day to think about this, if you'd like to reconsider; we don't want to scare anyone away. This is how a critique process works, and I'm sorry that you don't like it. I care for everyone at Sleepless, because I poured months of work into the system. I did not even get to read your new quest; you should have waited, in case reworking it fixed your problems?
Quoting the definition of "pastry" at me, a rudimentary word that everyone probably knows, was very passive-aggressive. I realize that Ret said it, and not you, and that it was probably not meant in bad faith.
I am sorry that you are drained. I have drawn upwards of 15 boys in the past month or so, I am in the middle of finals, two of my staff members have tried to help you, and I set aside everything I was doing in my personal life to try to help you work this out. It never had to become so hostile.
In case you are wondering why I feel like I have the right to say these things, I have over a decade of formal experience in a writing critique setup; it is not an attempt to "limit," but when three people say "this trait does not match the other one" and your reply is always "yes it does," then we have a problem, you see? All that I asked you for was to fix combative, explain how far his "disorganization" extended into his professional life, and possibly add mention of Shou into his traits to explain that; then clarify what Tama's specialty as a baker is. How is any of that confining, Dun? Please explain to me?
Like I said, I will give you a bit to think it over, and reconsider. We're not trying to scare anyone off. Domi and Never are talented, sweet individuals, however; disagreeing with them is not personal, but accusing them of having done something wrong sincerely is. I would never accuse you of anything, and I'm sure you can treat us with the same respect. Think it over, chill out, and maybe reconsider. If, in a few days, you PM me and tell me you still aren't interested in continuing, then we will rehome. I'd rather not take an egg away from someone.
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