Welcome to Gaia! ::

I do like the idea, but the poem is really out there on your sleeve. Some people will look at that and say, "Hey, I've read about twenty poems like that before, and half of them I have heard in church" Try to cloak it a little and hide the meaning between meataphors. If you want to know what I mean try looking at the poem "Same Song" I don't remember who wrote it but you can easily look it up. the idea is fairly similar to yours and well anyway, you'll see what I mean if you look it up. Try to play with your wording a little and your poem should be great, and if you like the way it is,...... mrgreen ........ good for you. Everyone has their style.