The most awkward thing in the jackin’ world was to be caught with a protection charm in your hands and a fluffy minipet stuck under your foot--by your grandfather’s ghoulfriend. Roch stared big eyed at the female that had just barged into his bedroom, bags of food hanging from her arms and boxes of more almost blocking her view.

Oh if only they had, he thought as the food dropped to the floor, and her jaw dropped open. “R--R--Roch?” she asked in a stutter. “What are you doing?”

“This ain’t what it looks like!” Roch said quickly, the minipet squirming free and racing away at top speed. Roch cursed, feeling a headache coming on. Things were just going to get worse, he was certain.

“Roch... I know you LIKE your minipets,” Monica said slowly as he got to his feet, still holding the protection charm, “but certain things are just--just--“


“Huh?” Roch asked blankly.

“They’re just not appropriate!” the pole dancer told him. “Oh dear, oh dear, what am I going to tell your grandfather?” she asked as she started trying to pick up all the fallen food. “Roch, I really think we need to find you a--a ghoulfriend,” she said as he came over, helping her pick it all up.

“What?” Roch asked, even more blankly.

“You see, I know teenage boils--they’re--well of course you’re going to want to--to experiment,” she said. “But I really think you should do it with a--a nice ghoul or boil that will develop FEELINGS for you, and be emotionally supportive and--“

“I am so jackin’ confused right now that I can’t even say,” Roch said finally. “WHAT exactly did you think I was doing?”

“WHY do you have that protection charm?” she demanded, not even answering that question. “You’re way too young--well, you’re not, but emotionally you aren’t equipped for--“

“Are you talking about sex?” Roch asked finally. “You might notta noticed, but... I’m the only one in the room right now?”

She turned bright red, making him wonder what in the jack she was thinking, and then deciding he didn’t want to know almost as quickly. “Roch, I think its time we had a talk,” she said, her ghoulish voice sounding surprisingly serious.

“Granddad--“

“No, I’m sure Vegas told you some very... interesting things, but he isn’t a female, Roch. You need to learn some things from females, not from... well... Vegas,” she said, heading to his bed and crawling onto it. “Come here,” she said, sitting on her knees and patting the bed in front of her.

Oh, that was even more confusing to him, Roch thought. Because the truth was, Monica was SMOKING HOT, even if she was closest to being a grandmother he’d ever had. “Um, this isn’t going to be a hands on--“

She shot him a sharp “I don’t think so” glare and he shrugged, heading to the bed to sit down a foot away from her. “Okay... um... what do I need to know?” he asked, glancing at her. Man this was awkward. And he had totally lost his sexed homework. Dammit.

“Sex isn’t something you should take lightly!” the pole dancer told him seriously. “It’s as much emotional as it is physical! Especially for females! You need to be gentle, to--to make them know that they’re important to you, that--“

He stared at her. “Monica?” he asked finally. “WHY are you with my granddad? He’s a real jacktard, and every time I turn around he’s got--“

“Got?” she asked, looking confused.

“Got--“ He couldn’t say it. If he told her what a perverted jerk Vegas was, she would leave him, then he’d be out of meals and... well, Monica. “Nowhere NEAR as pretty a face as you do,” he finished. “He’s pretty ugly. You could get a WAY better lookin’ guy--one not so old, either.”

“No,” she said quietly. “You don’t know how well your grandfather treats me, Roch. He treats me like a--a respectable person, not just a piece of flesh. He’s kind. He never lets anyone touch me, either. He’s a good man.”

He stared at her, wondering for the first time what might have happened to her before she hooked up with his grandfather. Then she took the charm from his hand. “Why don’t we start from the beginning?” she said, her voice chipper again. “This protection charm, it’s VERY important that you apply it right! Otherwise, especially if your ghoulfriend or boilfriend is a different species, you could cause a lot of trouble! And some people say that placement is extremely important as well,” she told him, reaching for the button of his pants.

“WHAT?” he yelped, jumping a good foot backwards, his hands going down over his zipper. “Say it don’t show it!” he said, turning bright red with embarrassment.

“Oh don’t be so shy, you don’t have anything I haven’t seen before!”

“Monica!!” he yelped. “I really don’t think this is a good idea!”

“Oh just man up and show me your tummy!”

He stared at her. “My... tummy.”

“Your tummy!”

“JUST my tummy?” he asked, giving her a sharp look.

“Well it’s not as if I want to see your bait and tackle!” she said seriously. “You’re like my grandson! That’s just not right! It's just the spot OVER it!”

He let out a breath of relief--

“And once we get this applied we’ll start working on your technique!”

He’d breathed too soon.

It was no wonder that the minipet that he dropped off at Cricket’s was messed up. So was his head.

((WC: 945))