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Frozen Memories {hook and story so far}

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Prinnn

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 12:33 am


Its actually a realistic fiction but there was no subforum for that :/ Oh well, enjoy and tell me what you think. Its kinda short.

He had to get away. This wasn't a matter of life or death, this was a matter of death. There was no spectrum of surviving. Dogs howled behind him and he knew he was short of time. Every part of his was numb with the chilly hands of the snow. He breathed in heavily as a man in the background called out. He stumbled momentarily over his other foot. He paused for a moment tightning his grip on his shoulders. He looked around before he saw a lake. It was frozen and if he was lucky and daring enough he could make it across. The voices sounded in the background as he ran to the lake.
"He's getting away! Get him you idiots!" One guy screamed to his companions. The dogs howled, begging to be let of their leash. That means they want me alive... why? He continued to run faster than before. He was getting close to the lake. Freedom was new breath on his lips and he was so close to it. His foot met the ice and there was a light crack. Nothing too serious. He continued on the lake as the men continued to get close but stopped on the bed. Not daring to get closer. He smiled. He was actually getting away.
Then the ice cracked and everything became colder than the snow...


♥ ♣ ♠ ♦


Dezen awoke to the glimpse of sunlight that seemed through the open window. He turned away pulling the covers closer to him. He loved to sleep cold something about overheating just upset him. So every night he feel asleep with the window cracked and the fan on. He reached over to the switch located right by his bed and turned the fan off. He yawned and sat up. The room wasn't the rich life style or a poor one but something in the middle. There was a bed, bookcase, and a desk, but there was also a T.V, a sofa and a foosball table. Perfect for distracting us, Dezen always said. He ran his fingers through his black hair. He hated this camp, but there was hope. Being 17 soon to be 18 and going through the Rite of Passage and sent into civilization. Why do we get up so damn early? His cyan eyes scanned the room seeing if they already sent someone in to wake him up. No one. Which was good. He didn't like people getting in his buisness. He got up and stumbled to the bathroom still waking up. He flipped the light on. The door opened as Dezen mumbled under his breath.
"Dezen Marsh, this is your courtisy call, are you awake?"
"Yes..." He growled. "I am about to take a shower."
"Ok we just wanted to make s-" Dezen cut off the lady by closing the door. He sighed turning on the warm water and filling the room with steam. He sat for a minute warming up before he removed his sweats and hopped in the shower. The warm water felt good against his pale skin. He leaned on the shower wall for a while thinking about this place. He only had memories of this place, nothing on how he got here or even why. It was a blurred memory. He felt bad, he wasn't normally this mean to the staff but just lately they've been pissing him off.
He finished his shower as he used the towel to try and dry his kinda long hair. It went a little past the bottom of his ear. He used another towel and wrapped it around hip as he went back into his bedroom. He scanned the area noticing nothing was touched. He went over the dresser pulling out his uniform. The boys were given black slacks, a white t-shirt, and hoodie with the pockets stictched up. The Girls wore blue jeans, a black shirt, and a hoodie also stitched up like the boys. This was the only thing they were allowed to wear and there was multipuls of it. This place was literally like a prison. There was a tap on the door as Dezen was putting on his shirt.
"What?" He asked which was his way of saying come in. The door opened and a brunette walked in.
"Hi Dez, I thought I'd stop by and walk to breakfast with you. Good thing the courtisies already stopped by." She smiled. The doors were locked from the outside until the courtisies stopped by and opened them.
"They are pretty annoying." Dezen mumbled. She sighed.
"Yeah they are. So tell me how does it feel to be 2 weeks before the big day?" She smiled.
"Pretty normal." He smiled. "Why are you up so early Natalie?" Natalie looked out the window as she sat down on his bed.
"Daniel left last night... The Rite and everything." She looked at her feet.
"I'm sorry Nay Nay." He looked at her. "I know how close you two were."
"He was my brother..." She said. "But I'll see him when I get out. He promised me that. He never breaks his promises." Natalie smiled at him with her dark green eyes. "Never."  
PostPosted: Thu May 17, 2012 5:28 pm


I also noticed that there isn't a subforum for just fiction. But anyways...

Hmm, I'm not too great at constructive criticism, so I'll just say it how I see it.

First off, what you have is pretty good. I like it. There are some parts where the way you put the sentence together just seems kind of off to me. For example,

Quote:
He loved to sleep cold something about overheating just upset him.


Are you trying to say something like, 'He loved to sleep feeling cold because something about overheating just upset him." It also seems kind of odd to me, because if he likes to be cold when he sleeps, why is does he pull the covers closer to him in the sentence before? o.O Maybe be a little clearer on that part, I have a hard time trying to understand that little part.

Or I'm thinking too hard. :p

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Prinnn

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PostPosted: Thu May 17, 2012 5:40 pm


Thank you smile and sorry about that line. I'll fix it
PostPosted: Thu May 17, 2012 11:12 pm


Sounds like a really good concept, would love to see more and learn more about what's going and such. There are a few grammar and word/spelling issues though. Mostly just that you could use commas a little more. There is also a lot more telling than showing, but that took me years to work on and I still have trouble with that at times. :s Overall, good story though. smile

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