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 Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 7:24 pm
He did not want to think about anything at all.
When he arrived back at Deus Ex Machina Headquarters, Gale said nothing to anybody, not even to the various hunters ambling around the island who gave him startled looks when he traipsed back in, bloody, sweaty, and as white as a sheet. He did not even have the energy, nor any real desire, to slam the doors behind him as he went.
The frustration had disappeared into a blank void.
He did not want to feel anything.
He did not even know how long it took him to get back to his room, but when he finally did, he stood there, as though he had forgotten why he was there and he wasn't entirely certain what exactly he was supposed to be doing - or even where he was.
For several long moments he just stood there, dressed in his stained, ripped uniform, and did nothing, the door to his room still wide open. And, not for the first time that day, he had the same thoughts as he had had before, the same thoughts he had struggled so violently to suppress for so long.
I don't belong here.
<< Gale - >>
Without a sound, or even an acknowledgement towards the weapon, Gale grabbed the nearest thing off of his desk - an empty vase - and threw it against the wall with as much force as he could. It shattered instantly on impact, showering the floor with bits of broken glass and shards of porcelain.
Then came the books. The lamp. Clothing. Anything and everything he could find was thrown violently at the wall, the floor, anywhere.
<< GALE! >>
Jinhai was shouting in his head, yelling at him to stop, but he wasn't about to, not now, not anytime soon.
I don't belong here.
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Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 11:41 pm
It wasn't uncommon for them to look drained or emotionally detached. Hell, it wasn't weird for them to sort of pull up a wall of a mask. Marcus coped with pushing his body to it's limits, testing himself, pushing himself as far as he could. He coped by being around Cass and reminding himself he had something worth protecting. Occasionally he snapped. It happened, it was to be expected in some ways but- When he snapped he was usually in the gym, alone, or he was outside by the broken down town, in the middle of trying to fix something, rebuild what was broken.
He didn't want people to see him break down, he didn't like it when he broke down. He was about control, survival- freaking out and flipping out hardly did s**t. He also didn't see many other hunters freaking out, much less any of the strays. They were... getting used to it, it felt like, as terrible at it seemed.
So The sounds coming from Gale's room were.. alarming to say the least. Walking by his door, it was easy to see the damage and think Gale had just flipped his s**t. He was getting ready to throw more s**t and just- Going into the room and slamming the door behind him, Marcus went to stop him from throwing anything else. "Jesus ******** Gale, calm down!"
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
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Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2012 10:24 am
He hadn't really been paying attention to anything else, which meant that when strong hands grabbed his arms, Gale leapt about a foot in the air, jolting sharply. He knew who it was by instinct, and from the heavy, familiar voice that snapped to him, but it didn't mean he was actually going to listen to it. Instead, he struggled violently, shoving Marcus away and grabbing the next nearest thing - a small crate filled with various knickknacks - and flung it at the wall too, where it hit with a resounding crash.
"Get AWAY from me!"
The shout ripped from his throat, Gale's gold eyes flashing as he struggled away to find something else to throw. Considering there wasn't much else in the room - his minimalist, obsessively neat ways had come back to haunt him - he didn't have very many options left.
He was thinking again. He didn't want that. Thinking meant feeling and feeling meant pain.
He didn't need pain.
Gale's fingers grappled for the bedsheets this time, intent on dragging them off the bed and flinging them away.
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Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2012 1:44 pm
Well s**t was hitting the fan pretty ******** quickly. Which was pretty surprising because just- Gale. Gale, who was the youngest but one of the more, if not one of the most serious, in control guys Marcus knew. Gale who would even tell him to shut up at times. Gale, a guy Marcus had a pretty high level of personal respect for. Gale wasn't one to flip his s**t and let it hit the fan. If he was, this was the first time Marcus had seen it at all.
Shoved away, he flinched when the other trainee grabbed something else half expecting it to be aimed at him. Small comfort that Gale didn't. As he began to look for more things to break, Marcus took the opportunity it presented. Never look a gift horse in the mouth right?
Also never try to fight a pissed off hunter.
Using his own body, Marcus grabbed the 176 year old and flung the both of them to the floor. "I swear to ******** God Gale, calm the ******** down. I won't let go until you do just chill the ******** out, jesus."
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
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Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 2:06 pm
He was still struggling violently to get away from Marcus, even as the older hunter grabbed his arms and shoved him down to the floor. His head hit the wooden slats with a sharp thunk, which might have slowed him down a bit, if he were in his right mind. But Gale was too angry to even stop to register the fact that his head was now ringing painfully, and all he wanted to do was to get Marcus off of him so that he could go back to throwing things.
Throwing things - breaking things - that was all he wanted to do right now. He didn't need this, he didn't need any of this.
I don't belong here.
"Get - off - "
The scream wrenched from his throat, but his voice was growing hoarser, weaker, filled with less rage than it had been. Gale could feel the strength leaving him, and his arms, which had been flailing around, trying to rip them from Marcus' strong grasp, slowly stopped moving until they just stayed limp in his fingers.
His eyes felt hot and strangely damp - bloody hell, he was crying. Gale turned his face away from Marcus, his hair falling over his reddened face, hoping the older hunter would not see, even though he knew it was in vain.
"Let me go."
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Posted: Mon Mar 19, 2012 7:47 pm
For a while Marcus worried that Gale was going to summon his weapon on him, punch and kick him good. But his grip remained, and slowly, Gale seemed to wind down, his voice going out, and his body going limp. Then it happened. It was not something Marcus had expected, nor, was it something would even guess Gale did. It being Gale crying. Full on tears, no fancy tricks or anything.
Well s**t.
s**t indeed.
He didn't so much let Gale go as he pulled off and gave the younger man a bit of a one armed hug. It was kind of weird but Marcus didn't know what else to do. "I'm letting go until I know you won't freak out on me Gale." It hardly came out as comforting.
"What's gotten you to the point you'd flip out like this Gale? This... this isn't like you." The Gale he knew was calm and collected. He kept to himself and for his age was to Marcus one of the most mature hunters he knew. This Gale, this was the Gale he was familiar with.
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 11:27 am
He hated this. Hated everything about it, the way he felt as though something were breaking inside of him, the way his entire body ached in pain, the way his head was spinning, the way he was crying - and the fact that Marcus, of all people, had found him, was not exactly a positive point either. Not that Gale disliked him - in fact, other than Bix, Marcus was probably the person he was the closest too.
But I never wanted to get close to anybody. Look at me. I didn't even know Sandy and Barney that well, and yet...
...and Ben...
He didn't want to think about Ben. Thinking about Ben made his chest ache.
"I'm not...going to freak out," he mumbled, very quietly, and lifted his arm, pressing it over his face. He let out his breath in a long gust of air, feeling unbearably exposed and humiliated.
"I'm tired, Marcus," said Gale, in a voice quite unlike his normal dry, mildly exasperated one. "I'm..."
I'm not sure if I should still be here. He didn't want to say it out loud, but it hung there in the air anyway, heavy and imposing.
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Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2012 5:25 pm
Sighing, he let Gale go. "Good. Breaking all your s**t might get out that anger but trust me, replacing things, after- it sucks more." Especially if s**t was a memento or something expensive. Getting up off of him, Marcus didn't sit himself down, but rather leaned on the wall. Gale was out of it. Not in the crazy sense but in the sense something had been bugging him. People didn't often just 'snap', not even when dealing with-
s**t.
Shiiiiittttttt
"Gale, sorry I shouldn't- I should chide you for that. Sorry." Arms crossed, he looked away frowning. "....this about what happened or...?" He didn't know if it had to do with the recent mission, or hell maybe Eva just shot him down.
CRAP DID EVA SHOOT HIM DOWN?
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
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Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2012 7:28 pm
With Marcus' hands removed, Gale was free to move, and he did, sitting up very slowly, as though it hurt just doing that. It did, in a way, but not physically, and Gale's face was still turned away from Marcus, refusing to look at him. He did not want to see the pity - did not want to see that look, the one that people gave when they felt sorry for you. His face was wet, and Gale reached up, covering his eyes tiredly and hoping that no one else would ever see him in this state.
He hated this. Hated it so much it was hard to breathe, to even think.
"It's everything," he said, his voice thick, and he leaned forward, drawing his leg up to rest his forehead against his knee. "It's...everything. I came to be a hunter because this is what I knew I could do. I knew it. There was nothing left for me in London. My parents were good people, but they didn't understand, and they never would. I left when I was thirteen to go live with my uncle, and he didn't give a rat's arse about what I did or who I was with or even where I was. I could have been drinking down at the pub, doing mad, insane things, and he would have said 'that's nice' and went about his way."
It seemed as though once he started talking, he couldn't stop.
"It's funny, you know," he said, in a flat, dry voice. "I didn't think much about coming here. I told myself that this was the path I wanted, and I never thought twice about it."
He snorted, a derisive laugh escaping his lips. "Not until now, at least."
Somewhere behind him, a clock ticked, the sound slow and rhythmic, almost soothing. Gale closed his eyes, turning his head sideways, his hands linked together around his knee. Jinhai remained silent in his head, but there was a small, quiet murmur in his mind, as though the rifle were trying to comfort him in some way.
"I came here because I knew that it was the right thing to do," said Gale quietly, staring out the window. "Because this was the only place for me, and because I could finally start to feel as though I belonged somewhere. I've been on the outside for so long that I forgot what it was like to be part of a..."
He did not want to say "family" because it seemed to melancholy, too formal, so he said "group" instead, and closed his eyes. "And for a while it worked. Maybe a bit difficult at first, considering my age, but at least I had a routine. But...but then Leslie didn't wake up. And there was The First Incident with Ben. Bloody hell, Ben - "
Gale's hands had clenched together, his teeth tight. "I didn't even f***ing know him, so why? Why does it hurt so much when they die? Why can't I get it out of my head? All I can see are their faces, every time I close my eyes."
His fingers slipped into his hair, gripping the blonde strands. "And then I start to doubt myself, and everything starts to fall apart around me. The girl I lo...like, she's four years older than me and I know won't ever feel the same way about me. These missions, I knew they were going to be tough, and yet I still feel that pain every time I go on one, and then I start to think that maybe everyone was right all along."
Gale dropped his head again, pressing his forehead against his knee. He seemed beaten somehow, his shoulders shaking, hands still in his short hair.
"Maybe I am too young for this."
And there it was, the thought he had never wanted to say, never wanted to admit, now out in front of him. It hung heavy in the air, thick and black, and Gale let his shoulders slump, as though all of the fight had gone out of him.
Maybe I just don't belong here after all.
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Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 3:52 pm
It didn't take a genius to tell that Gale was in pain. The kind that bandages wouldn't even begin to touch. The kind of pain that wasn't talked about but more internalized. If Gale thought there was shame in crying, Marcus thought nothing of it. They had been through enough that a few tears could be afford. A bout of sadness could be granted and understood.
As Gale curled up, Marcus just stayed next to him. Not touching but just staying near. Watching. More then that, Marcus was listening. Gale didn't talk about himself easily. And this? Gale was just talking to him. About himself. As he listened lines of worry and sadness passed over Marcus's face. Finally the nail in the coffin for the conversation. Gale thought he was too young.
Marcus honestly didn't know how to respond to that. Gale was the youngest. His crush was older than him. Hell, pretty much everyone was older than him. And given the context Marcus just had no idea how that might feel. He was dating Cass, someone who was technically illegal in some states. While no one cared on the island he felt he should care. So-
"Gale-" He wasn't sure if what he would say would help at all, but he didn't like seeing Gale, his friend depressed like this. "You're the youngest hunter yeah but... You're death division. Intel. You were the first of us to get promoted. I mean Gale you're one of the guys that I trust to be able to have not just my back but know that above all, you'll do what is needed." He'd only heard mention of Gale's twin once but Ben was new.
Marcus wasn't sure what to say but the words just came out. "You're lucky. To have someone like your sister I mean. Even if she isn't awake yet, it doesn't mean she'll never wake up right?" He didn't know, but they never knew right? She might wake up tomorrow or...never. " And Ben was... the first hunter who didn't try to scare us. Who didn't treat us like s**t. He was the our wake up call and- and s**t Gale. We didn't even know. Stacy...Barney..there was nothing we could do. Nothing any of us could do."
Tentative, he reached out, pulling Gale into a side hug. "I don't think you're to young for this. I think-" a sigh. "I think out of all of us, you're probably one of the best. You're young but it sure as all hell doesn't make you less."
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
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Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 6:11 pm
He felt drained, utterly exhausted. Unused to speaking so much at one time and about something so personal, Gale closed his eyes, reaching a hand up to wipe at his eyes. He'd stopped crying, at least, but his face was still damp and his chest still ached unpleasantly, making it difficult to draw breath. It was not, unfortunately, just a physical pain that he could take medicine for and make go away.
It ran deeper than that.
Marcus' voice cut into his thoughts, however - surprisingly gentle, filled with a firm reassurance. Gale's forehead was still pressed against his knee, but he was listening, even if he was not looking at the older hunter.
It was strange - in the beginning, he had never once thought that he would be friends with anyone. His age, combined with the fact that he had originally believed acquaintances to be something of a hindrance here, had made it difficult in the beginning. But now he was sitting here with Marcus - Marcus, who he trusted and respected, even if he was sometimes an idiot and he could never seem to win against. Marcus, who had never given up on him, even with the fact that Gale knew he was a stubborn brat half of the time.
A hand touched his shoulder and pulled him sideways into a hug. Gale stiffened automatically, his cheeks pink, but after a moment he relaxed into it, closing his eyes again.
"I don't know anymore," he said quietly. "Everything seems so clear for everyone else, but my path is just...black. As for Ben...I hardly knew him, but every time I close my eyes I just see that...that thing attacking him."
Gale gave a short, bitter laugh, shaking his head. "Pathetic, isn't it? It's been months since then, and I still can't let it go."
His voice grew quieter, Gale's shoulders slumping. "But...Marcus, you should have seen the look on his face. He was just...hanging onto the helicopter, and it got ahold of him, and he just...he knew, and he let go without even hesitating. He knew what he was doing when he let go...and he still did it. To make sure we all got away safely, because if he'd kept holding on, it would've...we would've..."
There was a long pause. His hands were shaking.
"I...I don't know if I could do that," he said, very softly, so softly it was barely audible. "And maybe that's why it still haunts me."
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Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 9:36 pm
In Marcus's defense, it was already awkward, a side hug was the least of their worries. Still, Marcus's mind wasn't even thinking about that. He was more thinking about what he might say, what he could do to help Gale. That was, if he could help at all.
A small squeeze and he listened to Gale more. A smile, small as it was ran across his face briefly. "Well, if it makes you feel better, I might be going into another division since I suck at being a moon hunter so much. My path is ******** up as far as I can tell."
Ben though- It sounded like... Gale had- Then it dawned on him. Gale had been on the same mission that killed Ben. Gale had seen, watched, Ben go to his death. Ben went to his death while Gale had watched. For a while, Marcus bit was quiet, unsure what to even say. Then after what seemed like forever- "I'm sorry Gale." To Marcus's knowledge, no one knew how Ben died. No one but Gale. Marcus was dealing with survivors guilt in a small way but that close- Gale had it worst. The even worse part being no one but the other hunters who knew that sort of thing happened... gale was alone in that boat.
"I don't think... I don't think it's just a matter of thinking you can do it. It's not something I think... any of us can just do you know." A frown. "I... when Cass and I first got involved... I told her that if it ever to came down to it... I never want her to die for me. I never want anyone to do that for me. And I also told her... That if I had to chose who to save, her or someone else?" He shook his head. "Its sad but if it came down to it I might leave her behind. I realized this and the thought of being in that position terrifies me. I honestly don't know if I could do it. I can say I'd put the mission, put other first but the thought of watching her die terrifies me. In the end I just don't know what I would do. I don't think anyone knows what they'll do."
He gave a small squeeze. "Not knowing doesn't make you weak Gale. Ben... Ben had years of experience. He probably didn't know either. I guess what I'm trying to say is like... Ben is the type of guy I think we should aspire to be. He was a good guy and in the end... he did the best that he could for us. You included."
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
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Posted: Wed Mar 28, 2012 12:02 pm
Marcus' arm felt warm and reassuring against his shoulders, and for the first time in a very long time, Gale let himself relax just a little bit more, resting his head against the other, his eyes staring at some spot on the floor. He did not usually let himself get this far - nor did he usually allow any sort of openness with his emotions. It was rare enough that he even smiled - actually talking about this sort of thing was almost unheard of.
"That's...half of it, I suppose," said Gale, closing his eyes. He could almost feel the pain drifting from Marcus' voice, as tangible as his own. What he felt and what Marcus felt were similar, in certain ways, but even Gale knew he could not fathom the depth of the connection between Marcus and his girlfriend, the woman he was in love with.
What does it feel like? Gale wondered, with a sidelong glance at the older hunter. To have that sort of...bond with someone? To be in that sort of position?
He wasn't sure he even wanted to know.
"Ben...you know, he said it would be a quick mission. He said no one would get hurt, that we'd just be in and out and it would be done. He stuck his neck out for me, told Caelius that I was capable of coming along even though I was only a beginning trainee."
Gale rubbed his face tiredly. "But I don't think anyone knows what they'd do in a certain situation until they're actually in it. And I hate that."
His hands had clenched into fists now, Gale's shoulders shaking a little. "I hate not knowing. I hate being weak, I couldn't even win against - "
He stopped, and swallowed, trying to get his emotions back in check, slumping back against Marcus.
"Do you..." He swallowed again, moving away so that he could look at Marcus straight in the eye, his fingers clenched into the sleeve of Marcus' coat so tightly that his knuckles were almost white. There was a sort of quiet desperation in his voice that galled him, made him feel ashamed and humiliated of himself, but he needed to know.
"Do you think I can do it?" he asked. "Be...that sort of...man?"
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Posted: Wed Mar 28, 2012 1:01 pm
Marcus was hoping that he wasn't coming off like some kind of a**, like a pretentious jerk. He didn't want to make Gale feel worse or that he was being patronized because out of anything Marcus worried. He worried about his friends and their well being, sometimes more than he probably should but he worried none the less.
Ben had asked for Gale. The man had told Caelius he was good enough for a mission that fresh out. Maybe Gale didn't see it but- "I think that meant he saw that you could be a great hunter." He smiled. "I guess he saw in you kind of what I think a lot of us are beginning to see. You're not just a capable hunter, you're a good hunter. You kept fighting even when you were getting swarmed at the haunted house. You're more collected than I am half the time. I think Ben saw that potential in you before we even did."
Marcus thought it only made sense. Ben had been a time tested hunter so to bring along Gale- there had to have been something right? Even as Gale looked him in the eyes and asked him, Marcus could only see one view. "I think you shouldn't have to ask me Gale." There was a small smile, a vote of assurance. "I don't think you can do it because you're already that type of man. I already think you're a good hunter. You're not an idiot, you're not weak, you're not helpless. You're one of the best of us. That's what I think."
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iStoleYurVamps
iStoleYurVamps
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Posted: Fri Mar 30, 2012 7:05 am
"Pathetic" didn't even really cover the full range of emotions that Gale kept feeling, reverberating back and forth inside his head. He hated this sort of weak appearance, and had worked his entire time on Deus Ex Machina to rid himself of the "little boy" facade everyone had assumed at the beginning. And he had gotten this far, hadn't it? He'd made it this far.
How much farther could he go?
Marcus' words jolted down into him, echoing through his thoughts. Gale felt some of the tension in his shoulders relax, his fingers loosening on Marcus' shirt, and he sank wearily back down to his knees. Just the sheer amount of talking he had done had worn him out, and the roller coaster emotions was exhausting. He felt weak and tired, and he leaned his forehead against the older hunter, letting out a slow, shaky breath.
"...thank you," he mumbled quietly, barely audible. His cheeks felt as though they were on fire, he was blushing so much, but the words had needed to be said anyway.
"You know...for...that. For what you said...thank you."
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