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 Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2012 3:26 pm
I really need to get this off my chest. Bearing in mind that my nan is religious, but' im not. I gave up years ago because of abuse in my childhood. What God would allow that to happen to a child?
I just had a blazing row with my Nan [She is, in every way but biologically, my mother for various reasons] that basically started off with her saying my boyfriend should learn to drive and get a better job. Me and my boyfriend have talked this through and agreed that with us moving in and having to adjust bank balances and things like that, now isn't the time for him to really learn. It's just too expensive. My Nan wouldn't accept this, saying we couldn't get married on our salaries or start a family. I'm only 22, I have time to have a family, and marriage isn't that high on our agenda. Sure, I wouldn't mind, and I would have a church wedding for my family, I would even christen the child so I can gift one of my relatives with the 'Godmother/father' moniker as I am one myself and think it's a nice tradition. I just don't believe in God, that's all.
Nan doesn't agree with this. When I explained that I didn't believe in God because no God would let a child go through what I went through she said this:-
"For God's sake, he was only a child himself."
The person who abused me is seven years older than me. I know the abuse was happening when I was five, or atleast started then. That would make him at least thirteen. At that age, even with mild learning difficulties, you would know doing things like this is wrong. The fact that my Nan said this, basically saying that it wasn't really his fault, almost implying that I brought it on myself, hurts me so much that even typing it is hurting me.
I can't look at an erect p***s without feeling such deep shame and guilt because I am enjoying that I have to make it stop. I am almost pushing a man I love away because of it and am going through counselling.
The mere words hurt me so much, I just want to know how you would feel about this. Am I grasping at things that aren't there and am therefore in the right, or am I completely wrong?
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Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2012 4:52 pm
Absolutely none of that is your fault. Do NOT think of it that way. The age of the abuser does nothing to change the fact that they hurt you.
My brother had much the same experience as you, except it wasn't abuse. He has Asperger's Syndrome, and he is the most non-religious person I have ever known.
Our grandmother (who is deeply religious) nearly had a heart attack when she found out he doesn't believe in God. She wouldn't take to him for quite a long time.
Now, the way I got her to understand was by sitting her down and explaining that he isn't religious because he doesn't want to be. It was not his choice, and it is not yours either.
Some things happened in your life that you couldn't possibly have controlled and that is NOT your fault. If your Nan thinks that it wasn't really abuse because the abuser was a 'child', then she needs to understand that you were still hurt and it affected you greatly later on in life.
Perhaps you could try explaining this to her more. Take awhile to think about exactly what you're going to say to her and then tell her. Really explain why it's unfair to say that a 'child' (really, who thinks a 13 year old is a child anymore? At that point, they should have some sense of maturity) isn't at fault for what they do to others.
I really hope that you resolve things with your Nan. Family conflicts are the hardest to deal with.
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Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2012 4:57 pm
Spork Bandit Absolutely none of that is your fault. Do NOT think of it that way. The age of the abuser does nothing to change the fact that they hurt you. My brother had much the same experience as you, except it wasn't abuse. He has Asperger's Syndrome, and he is the most non-religious person I have ever known. Our grandmother (who is deeply religious) nearly had a heart attack when she found out he doesn't believe in God. She wouldn't take to him for quite a long time. Now, the way I got her to understand was by sitting her down and explaining that he isn't religious because he doesn't want to be. It was not his choice, and it is not yours either. Some things happened in your life that you couldn't possibly have controlled and that is NOT your fault. If your Nan thinks that it wasn't really abuse because the abuser was a 'child', then she needs to understand that you were still hurt and it affected you greatly later on in life. Perhaps you could try explaining this to her more. Take awhile to think about exactly what you're going to say to her and then tell her. Really explain why it's unfair to say that a 'child' (really, who thinks a 13 year old is a child anymore? At that point, they should have some sense of maturity) isn't at fault for what they do to others. I really hope that you resolve things with your Nan. Family conflicts are the hardest to deal with. Thank you, really just thank you. I needed that.
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Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2012 3:26 pm
Just to let everyone know that me and my Nan have hashed out our differences, we had our argument [we are both stubborn, it was bound to happen. She makes me shout because she doesn't listen sometimes.] and have reached an understanding. She doesn't understand why, but she knows she can't change my mind and loves me all the same.
Thank you all for your kind words and advice, it is very much appreciated.
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