Welcome to Gaia! ::

The Conversation In Which You Lost Your Fear

What day was it exactly? what month?
Were we happy, or were we perhaps in mourning?
I don't know the situation; my memory never did work quite well
but I do remember this conversation

Candle lights, soft glimmering into the pool of wine filling my glass
the only light in the room strong enough to show me your face
(for the curtains had worked extra well blocking out the light)
With poorly cooked dinner besides us
the smell of burnt roast wasn't enough of a distraction

even in dim lighting it was obvious; you were happy
you just screamed it from your movements
And we talked about how it felt . . .
how it felt to be alive for the first time without fear

Without the influence of a foreign purpose
every wound in your heart was just beginning to heal
but we bandaged them anyway, to help them in the long run
I listened to each of these wounds as you spoke.

And god did you speak!
The world was never so bright and colorful as you described it on this day!
I could feel the heat of the sun; even through the cold frost of winter
I could taste the gourmet meal in the catfood smelling roast
and best of all; I could see your bright white teeth shine through in the darknened room

And so began our conversation on fear in the day in which it all disappeared
Stumbling over not a word, your fears and your concerns flew from you
I could feel them touch the ground like an anvil discarded from the ship
and you were free to swim again. Where ever you wished.

You were my clean slate; which made me the innocent
hid me from the truth; and made me smile sincerely
your troubles were just the beginning and I was a solution
but you should have swam; you should have swam

Even with everything having found its way to the surface
a few things remained in the distance; a few important things
the needle that I found hanging in your bedsheets
a belt wrapped around your arm lazily; you were a centerfold
a symphony of silent tears that caressed softly my cheeks

We would never be complete, nothing would be the same as before
As your eyes were fearless; they were also devoid of life
Your limp and cold body would no longer hold mine as they once did
I would never feel happiness again; I was afraid as I held you in my arms
Numb.

I wondered from this point, the conversation of fear sticking with me
you were forever asleep now; and that comfort was a soothing consolation
The liquid that I now injested like water was just a step towards finding you
and the bullet to my throat was the final step towards you once again

But nothing. I was daunted by the thought, as I thrust myself to the wall weeping clamourously
I was unable. The ache that I felt at that moment made me remember the conversation
The conversation about fear; and my reaction to it. I needed to remember
the chains that held you down were gone
and you were swimming