Welcome to Gaia! ::

I have always been stressed out, and I have been depressed via diagnosis since I was 9, so 11 years now. Numerous Deaths in the family, lost friends, people attacking me emotionally and the like. My Mother passed away, and my dad has been down as well, where I have the inward anger, his is outward and living with him has become the most difficult thing in the world. I could go into every detail, but essentially, the medication I am on for my depression is mainly for anger, dropping my mood to scary lows, my shrink does not understand urgency and despite job hunting, Medical inability to work in some cases and routinely going incoherent and in tears, I am not trying to find work and I am simply going for theatrics according to this man. Even now, he is laughing at my newly returned panic attacks, calling them excuses. and now threatening to kick me out on my own. (I realise a 20 year old should be out in some regard, but this is not helping)

There are few things scarier in life, than holding the impulse to punch your own Father in the face, but he is recovering from a bypass, and there is an inkling to punch him in the heart, which makes me feel worthless. and as I go on with these thoughts I get to the big, scary thought at the end of depression. I would rather not state it, but sadly and pathetically Suicide has popped into my head on more than one occasion lately. I can't tell this idiot, or I will be called a cop out, and if I tell my shrink, or a crisis counsellor or something I will be put under watch. I can't have that, I have to watch to make sure my dad doesn't over exert himself and if I didn't have my friends (most of which are online) I would go further out of my mind. Add in that if something does happen, and I wind up alone, I have no family to help out, or any ability to gain money to live.

I know fully, this is a touchy subject, and I know that Lorien and Nikolita must be in some part sick of the Canadian who has been looking for constant emotional help on these forums for years... I am just scared really, scared and utterly lost.

Anyone reading this fully, I thank you a ton, it means so much more than you could ever imagine. and The fact I am less scared of what I can do and the repercussions , than the idea of telling people, known or online what is in the back of my mind terrifies me.

I am not sick of you. Have you taken any college classes? You probably said whether or not you did before, but I can't remember. If you haven't, maybe you could try taking a class or two at a local college. If it goes well, maybe take a couple more. That would get you out of the house, it would show your father that you're doing something, a degree (or even just a few classes depending on what they are) might make it bit easier for you to get a job in the future, and colleges usually have counselors that students can talk to for free. Free counseling might come in handy if you're feeling really down in between your usual appointments. Maybe you could bring your dad in to one of your appointments some time so your therapist can explain depression to your dad. Some people just don't understand depression because they can't see it. But maybe hearing about it from a professional would help him to understand that this isn't something you're choosing to have or something you can just shake off. And maybe a family therapy session would help you and your dad get along better.

If you dropped out of high school, I think you would have to get your GED before you could go to college. I hear it's pretty easy to get if you're interested.

Glad to hear you're feeling better!

I'm not sick of you at all. heart Friends help each other right?

To go to college or to do something like an apprenticeship for a trade, I think most jobs would require a GED at the very least. If you can get that done, you'll have more opportunities available to you. smile