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 Posted: Tue Dec 13, 2011 6:49 pm
Ganymede’s demeanor at the end of the Gladiator Tournament was much different than the free-spiritedness and the self-assurance that he’d greeted it with. Despite making it to the semi-finals, he didn’t walk away from it with his head up high, nor did he stalk off in a fit of frustration after his defeat in the fourth round—though he was frustrated with himself. He should have done better. He should have taken it more seriously from the beginning.
More than anything, he was upset by his failure. He’d gotten further than any of the other Jovians, sure, but what did that matter when he couldn’t even place? How could he even take pride in what he’d accomplished if he hadn’t even really made any sort of impact on anything? He’d simply glided through on luck more than he had on skill, and when it came down to it, when he finally had a reason and a purpose to try and claim victory, he couldn’t even see it through to the end.
He dragged his feet as he left, with his head lowered and his shoulders slumped. His eyes stung and felt wet, which didn’t improve his mood at all. It only frustrated him more, because he didn’t think he should be so upset; he didn’t think he should feel the need to prove himself to anyone. He knew what he was capable of, whether or not anyone else did. He knew what he thought and how he felt and how strong his convictions had become. He shouldn’t need the approval of anyone else to feel as if he were worth anything in this war.
And he didn’t need it. But he wanted it and he hated that, because it shouldn’t matter. It hadn’t before. He didn’t know why it did now.
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Posted: Tue Dec 13, 2011 7:16 pm
Valhalla had stayed to watch the rest of the tournament battles, despite having lost in only the third round, but it was better than a lot of others, so it wasn't as though it was anything he was too upset about. He had been upset that he'd lost for a while, but now he just didn't care. It was just a game, really.
"Ganymede, wait up," he tried calling to his friend as he followed after him, having just seen him lose to another senshi. It wasn't that Ganymede hadn't fought well, it was just shitty luck.
It was strange, knowing who Ganymede was outside of his outfit, but at the same time it made things a little easier. He knew what he was going through, at least. He knew his father was sick and he was practicing for the Nutcracker in the month of December. He knew that he obviously still felt something for him, whether it be fondness or... who knew what... And while Valhalla's first reaction was to push that away, he couldn't just let Ganymede wander off on his own after having such a blow to his ego.
"Hey..." he tried again, finally catching up to him and reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder, wanting to make sure he had his attention. "Hey, what's that look for? You did great. It's just a game, anyway, so don't worry about it," he tried, but he didn't know how good it would do.
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Posted: Tue Dec 13, 2011 7:43 pm
He didn’t stop walking when he heard Valhalla come up behind him, but had to when a hand came down on his shoulder. He knew he wouldn’t have been able to get away if Valhalla insisted on keeping him there, and even though it didn’t seem as if the page did, Ganymede wasn’t in the mood to test it now. He stopped and turned to look up at him and didn’t bother to disguise his disappointment.
“I know it’s just a game,” he said. His voice trembled somewhat. Normally he would have tried to stop it, but at the moment he couldn’t find the will to bother. “I know it shouldn’t matter, but it does. You wouldn’t understand.”
Sometimes he envied Valhalla the ease with which he took to this superhero business. If he’d had such an easy time of it himself in the beginning of his senshihood, he thought he might have been able to bow out of the tournament with more grace.
“It didn’t matter at first, but then I got more serious about it and I really wanted to win for you,” he explained. “And I thought, maybe if I did win, or if I could at least make it to the final round, maybe I could… I don’t know… prove something. You know, that I’m not as pathetic as some people think I am. And I know that shouldn’t matter, and for the most part it doesn’t, but sometimes… sometimes I just… I just want to show people that I can do this, that I’m not as useless as I was before, and I was starting to think this tournament was a good way to do that, even though I only entered it to have fun.”
It had been fun, at first. Up until this round, he’d enjoyed himself. Now he felt like such a sore loser, when that wasn’t even really it. He wasn’t upset that he hadn’t won because he wanted to win for the sake of a prize. He didn’t care about any of that. It wasn't even about the competition. He was upset because he wanted to be taken seriously. He wanted people to look at him and see him as someone who was worth at least a little respect.
“I’m just tired of feeling worthless all the time.”
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Posted: Tue Dec 13, 2011 10:14 pm
"Why wouldn't I understand...?" he wondered out loud, his eyebrows furrowing lightly in confusion and concern. Ganymede knew that he was quite competitive, so how would he not understand competition? Well, he knew it wasn't really the same for himself as it would be for Ganymede, but still...
He looked really upset though, and it had Valhalla hesitating and unsure of what to say in order to try to encourage him to keep trying.
"Why the hell do you think you're worthless?" He didn't try to hide his concern, and while he thought their 'break up' was much too recent to just forget, he never thought of him as worthless. "I mean... I know I haven't really been the best person to, uh... I mean, I know I haven't been all that supportive before, but... I don't think you're worthless... and I don't think you should feel worthless..." he tried to explain, but he wasn't really sure how well he was doing.
Ganymede had been one of the first senshi he'd met when he'd become Valhalla. Heck, even with the craziness of dating and the lies, he still knew that Ganymede had a lot more experience than he had, himself. And while he doubted he'd admit it, he did prefer to follow Ganymede's example, or even another with more experience.
Valhalla shifted a little awkwardly in place, glancing around and wondering what to do now. He wasn't really good with mushy sentimental stuff, but he also didn't want Ganymede to think that he didn't give a s**t. Because he obviously did. Otherwise he wouldn't have allowed himself to be put in a potentially embarrassing situation... recent kissing incident included.
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Posted: Tue Dec 13, 2011 10:35 pm
“Because I am worthless like this,” he argued. “I’ve never been good at it. For months I just ran away from it, and now I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing half the time, and even when I do or say things that I think are for the good of everyone instead of being selfish and doing things for myself or just standing around uselessly, I still get crap for it because people still think of me as the scared little ******** up I was in February.”
So maybe he was still a little hung up on some of the things that had been said about him up at the Surrounding. It had only been a short while ago. It affected him more than he thought it should, considering he was already plenty used to not giving a s**t about what people thought when it came to what he chose to do or say, or how he chose to present himself. But this was different. This wasn’t petty high school bullshit that he could just brush off and ignore. This was so much bigger than any of that.
He knew he shouldn’t be thinking of any of that during a competition like this. This was nothing like that. And even if he had won, who was to say it would even make any difference? It was just a game, just like Valhalla had said, just like he’d said during his match with Valhalla. Winning a game didn’t mean he’d be worth any more in the eyes of others.
Ganymede struggled to compose him, but it wasn’t easy. Every time he tried to tell himself it didn’t matter, another voice in his head piped up and told him that it did. Eventually, he leaned closer and rested his forehead on one of Val’s shoulders to hide his face from view.
“I… I want people to look at me and see what you see,” he admitted.
He’d thought he’d feel like s**t after they broke up, and he had for a while, but even despite that Chris still managed to make him feel worth more than he ever had before. Maybe it wasn’t exactly like it had been when they’d been together, but it was certainly enough. He might question whether Chris was angry at him, whether he still liked him the way he used to, but he never doubted that Valhalla believed in him.
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Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 4:56 pm
Valhalla didn't pull away when Ganymede leaned in to rest against him. Instead, he just let out a sigh and lifted a hand to place on top of the senshi's head, though careful not to knock off the hat perched on top. He should have known it was something more than just the tournament that was bothering Ganymede. While he wasn't sure of what had happened in the past more than what he'd been told, he knew that Ganymede was still being held back by it.
"You're not worthless..." he tried again, although he wasn't really sure how much it was helping. "No one knows what they're doing, okay...? And if they pretend to know, well... I'm sure as hell not following them." There was a difference between confidence through experience and underestimating things through cockiness. He knew he probably came off as cocky from time to time, but it was more a matter of at least trying, rather than sitting back and doing nothing.
He hadn't known how much the meeting at the Surrounding had affected Ganymede at the time, but as time went on it was only more and more obvious how much Ganymede wanted to be able to do something. To prove himself, to show others he was going to make a difference in the world for the better. And that's why he respected Ganymede — because even though he might not be the most experienced or best known of the senshi, he was at least trying, and that was worth a lot. To Valhalla, at least. Better than not trying at all.
Fingers rubbed lightly against the senshi's scalp, hopefully in soothing motion, but Valhalla was willing to stop if it got too awkward or uncomfortable. He just wanted Ganymede to calm down and realize that he was over exaggerating, just a little.
"How I see you...?" he repeated, smiling lightly, fondly perhaps? But he didn't say anything else on the topic. At the moment he was proud of his friend for being able to follow through with the tournament. "At least you weren't beaten by a little girl," he pointed out, although he realized that might not have as much of an amusing affect as he was hoping it would. "You gave it your best shot. Everyone could see that. You shouldn't worry about winning or losing in something like this. Sometimes it's better not to have a definite winner," he attempted to revise.
One thing was certain though, and that was how he just wanted Ganymede to realize that he really was a good senshi. Despite the rough start he had. But hey. No one could be prefect, and it was definitely too much to ask someone to be perfect immediately.
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Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 5:10 pm
At the time, Ganymede hadn’t thought the disagreements or the bickering that had happened up at the Surrounding had affected him all that much. He’d been annoyed by it and he’d gotten defensive, but it hadn’t stopped him from working with his teammates or fighting in the final battle. If anything, it had pushed him more, made him more determined to prove himself, but now that that was over and the drama had settled, now that it’d had time to eat away at him, he realized it bothered him quite a bit.
He didn’t want to be the sort of person other people thought he was. He wanted to be better than that. He wanted to prove that he was better than that.
A tournament probably wasn’t the best way to do that, but he thought that it was a start.
“I don’t care about being well-known,” he said. He tried to take comfort in what Valhalla said, and while it helped a bit, it didn’t take all of the bad feelings away. “I don’t care about being some great spokesperson for the senshi cause, or having power and authority or anything like that. But I want to be dependable. I might not always like what happens, and I still don’t really like being a senshi, but I try to always be there. I try to help where I can.”
Sometimes he didn’t feel as if his efforts made much of a difference, and that was where a lot of his frustrations lied. That wasn’t anyone’s fault, really—not his or anyone else’s. That was simply how the war worked. He felt like they were getting nowhere, and that just made his misery and his doubt grow.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized without really know what he was apologizing for. Because he was getting emotional over something that shouldn’t even be all that upsetting? Or because of something else? “I wanted to win for you. I wanted to win for both of us.”
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Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 5:55 pm
"That makes me feel a lot better, actually," Valhalla admitted, trying to lean down enough to get a look at Ganymede's hidden face. He hoped that his smile didn't seem amused, but rather just sympathetic while trying to get Ganymede to cheer up. "That you don't really care for the limelight. I didn't think you were the type, but... I don't know. It makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who wants to help but not be some kind of... guiding light for others. Can you imagine how horrible my ego would be?"
Maybe it wasn't really the time to joke about things like that, but he couldn't figure out any other way to get Ganymede to stop thinking negatively about things. He knew he didn't want to be some great spokesperson, or have power and authority or whatever, but he could definitely understand wanting to be dependable.
"Don't apologize, silly," he said softly, gently pulling Ganymede's head closer to his shoulder to rest more fully against him. "You did great. I'm proud you got as far as you did. You got the furthest of the Jovians! Not that it really matters... This game was more about luck than it was about combat skill. Except I think I definitely won against Babylon," he pointed out, trying to hold back the smug grin that came with the knowledge that he'd punched the guy in the face. It wasn't anything to be proud of! He was totally against violence, but there had been things that Babylon had been saying that just rubbed him the wrong way... and from the moment they'd met, it seemed. Well, he'd been okay as a knight at the camp thing, but everywhere after that... he'd been waiting to punch him.
"You're worrying too much about things," he went on after a few moments, rubbing at his hair some more while his free hand went to rest against his hip, rather than just hanging there. "The important thing is that you're alive... right?"
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Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 6:16 pm
Ganymede might not be in the mood for joking, but the light, quiet, sympathetic manner in which Val was talking to him helped to calm him somewhat. He took a deep breath, held it long enough to try and center himself, and then let it out slowly, leaning a bit more heavily against the page in the process.
“I just want things too much,” he said, laying his head on Val’s shoulder a bit more firmly. He closed his eyes and pressed his face into the side of Valhalla’s neck. “I want things to be over now. I’m tired of it all already. Sometimes I feel like I’m still being held back, and I know it’s probably just me doing it to myself. I always do that. I thought I was finally starting to move passed it, but it still creeps up on me. I… I don’t know what to do about it when I’m like this, when I never really feel good… not for long…”
He wasn’t used to the questioning and the constant second guessing. He didn’t usually have to worry about it in his civilian life, but being a senshi was different. He let his brain get too carried away with thinking and analyzing and worrying about everything. He knew that was preventing him from improving, from making a difference and have an impact, but he didn’t want to stop and grow too incautious.
“And now I feel like such a b***h and a sore loser and a horrible person,” he said. Stubbornly, Ganymede forced the tears back and pulled himself away from the page enough to look up at him. “You’re right. This is just a game. There are more important things. I know that. I don’t forget. Sometimes I just get… overwhelmed. I’m sorry. I just… needed a moment or something.”
He tried to smile, and though it came off a bit wobbly, he thought he managed it decently enough. He was still frustrated and upset and disappointed with himself, but he was starting to calm down.
“Thank you…”
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Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 6:41 pm
Valhalla held still as Paris leaned against him, keeping his hand against his hair. He wasn't entirely sure if he was managing to comfort Ganymede, but it was the best he could think of doing. It wasn't as awkward as he expected it to be, what with Ganymede all but clinging to him. They'd gone out for a few months, after all... it wan't like they had never been this close before. Closer even, but that wasn't really the point. The point was... Valhalla felt more comfortable knowing that he was helping Ganymede rather than being uncomfortable about their past.
"You're not a b***h or a sore loser," Valhalla corrected again, shaking his head at him. "You can be a sore loser all you want, just don't let it distract you from the more important things. Believe me. I understand how it's like to be a sore loser." As if he was proud of it. He wasn't, of course, but he knew he had his share of selfish need-to-win moments.
He stared down at the senshi when he faked a smile up at him, although he didn't smile nor frown, himself. Instead he just sighed lightly before leaning down to place a small, innocent kiss on Ganymede's forehead. He wasn't going to deny that Paris meant something to him, and whatever that something was, he wanted to protect it. "That was for not kissing you back when you won, earlier..." he explained. He knew that when Ganymede had asked for a kiss, he hadn't meant for him to just stand there. And if they were going to be talking about sore losers and trying to encourage each other to get over that hump, well... Valhalla figured he needed to hold to his own promises, rather than running away when he did lose.
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Posted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 6:53 pm
It wasn’t often that Ganymede melted—either as a senshi or as a civilian—but when Valhalla’s lips pressed against his forehead, Ganymede felt his heart give a lurch in his chest and he fell into the page, throwing his arms around his neck and hugging him tightly. It was a cool autumn evening, but here with Valhalla he felt incredibly warm. He placed his head back on the page’s shoulder and closed his eyes to soak in the feelings of comfort and safety he always felt when Valhalla—or Chris—was nearby.
He thought it should scare him that someone could make him feel that way, but it didn’t. It felt good. He didn’t know how he’d gone without it for so long, but he thought life was ten times better now that he had it. He could go back to ignoring all the things some of the others said as long as he had Val.
“Thank you…” he said again. He didn’t know how Valhalla did it, how he always managed to make him feel better with such simple words and nothing more than his close proximity, but it had worked before and it was working now. He hung onto him for a little longer, nearly holding on for dear life, before he slowly released him and took a step back. He didn’t go far, and when his arms slipped away he reached out to take one of Val’s hands.
He figured that wasn’t too much. They didn’t have to be dating to hold hands. Friends could do it, too.
“I’m okay now,” Ganymede reassured him. He took a breath to make sure and was relieved when it came easily. His eyes had dried, and after a quick sniff and another deep breath he was feeling more like himself again. He even managed to flash more of a genuine smile. “Come on. We can watch the final match. And then we can go grab some hot chocolate or something. My treat.”
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