|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2011 11:36 pm
Name: Thisbe Day
Nickname: Bee (But normally just called Thisbe)
Age: 16
Birthday: September 8th
Sign: Virgo
Gemstone: Sapphire, Zircon
Blood Type: A
Fav. Food: Ginger Tea. Or does that not count as a food? Fruits, anything mint, especially Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream, Homemade dishes, sherbet (if it isn't Mint choco ice cream, its sherbet!)
Hated Food: Mexican food, Thai food
School: Meadowview High School (Co-Ed)
Hobbies:
Shhh, I'm reading! - Thisbe loves reading any kind of book –– that is, except for the type she doesn't call books: chick-lit. You can constantly see Thisbe with her nose in a book, be it big, small, boring, entertaining. If there is any kind of book around her, she's gone. You may never regain her attention again if you do not confiscate that book of hers.
Allow me to introduce you to Bach... - Thisbe is a music lover. She loves all genres of music, especially classical music. She plays the cello and played the piano when she was younger, and has perfect pitch, so when she's bored and having no books to read, she's drowning in music.
That constellation! - Thisbe loves astronomy. She owns about 3 different telescopes, all different sizes. She wants to chart the stars, and note all the visible constellations. She wants to become an astronomer when she grows up.
Virtues:
Bold - Thisbe isn't scared to do things. She could easily win every game of truth or dare (or just dare) if points were recorded at every sleepover. She's not afraid to go up to strangers and ask strange things. She is often the first to speak up in every class at the beginning of the school year.
Serious when she needs to be - This girl knows bum from fun. She knows when to keep a straight face and when to burst out laughing. Thisbe can tell when an atmosphere's just changed, when someone just took a joke to heart, when the mood becomes edgy... No matter how funny someone's joke was, if someone else isn't laughing and is hurt, she won't laugh. However hard she wants to. If she's in class and people are making jokes but its a serious conversation about discrimination or rape, she will actually tell those jokesters to "shut their traps."
Determined - Man, when Thisbe has her mind set on something, she's determined to get it. Unless she changes her mind. But she will do everything to achieve it.
Competitive - Whatever game, sport, musical chairs game, she's so competitive. She hates to lose and won't say no to any challenge. She uses her own capability to get it. To win.
Flaws:
Perfectionist- Yes, this is such a flaw. She isn't just a perfectionist about herself, but also the people around her. It ticks Thisbe off if she sees someone's shirt is crinkled... She would just march up to him/her and tell him/her. Which refers back to bold. When she's in a group, every single little thing needs to be perfect and planned out.
Bossy - Thisbe likes things to go her way when she's working in groups or in a team. She doesn't like it when people suggest that she's wrong, so she always compels others to do what she says and gets irritated when they don't.
Insecure - Even though Thisbe seems like a stubborn teenager who is confident about everything, she is very insecure. She doesn't trust people easily, and questions things that shouldn't be questioned.
PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION
Eyes: Doe-eyed, greyish yellowish (if you prefer not to have fantasy coloured eyes, they can just be grey) eyes
Hair: Jet black hair, very straight. Side swiped bangs with bright highlights. Tends to keep hair in either a pony tail or a fishbone (fishtail?) braid. Occasionally lets hair down. Usually tied with either a yellow ribbon or a blue one. Highlights can be visible in the braid but not in the ponytail. Her hair goes down to about her waist, so when tied up slightly shorter. (Bangs are optional... they may interfere with the visibility of the tiara in her fuku)
Face: Almond shaped face, very very very slight splash of freckles, like 2 or 3 here and there. Result of being in the sun for too long. A small healing scar under the left eye.
Clothes: Tends to go for the punk style. Often wears street shoes (Converse, Vans) and combat boots. A special woven bracelet is always worn (from her sister) with a sun charm.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Nov 27, 2011 11:39 pm
Senshi: Sailor Umbriel, Senshi of the Night (Umbriel being the darkest of Uranus's moons)
Challenge:
Long: When I'm through with you, you won't see the night ever again! (Twist on never seeing the day again biggrin )
Short: Your defeat will delight the night!
Fuku Colour:
Main Color: Dark Blue (Indigo with less purple)
Secondary Color: Silver (for Metal parts, non-metallic silver for cloth parts), White also works
Fuku: *A note so I don't have to keep referring, I really like Scylla's fuku, so many parts may refer to her fuku.*
I really don't mind so much for the fuku, only if it turns out tacky or something. I'm sure the artist will think up a beautiful designs. Below are just some ideas, and how I view the topic of the night.
Collar -- I think plain would be nice, only maybe it could look like its been ripped on the edges? I don't know, it depends on the artist. Or plain with silver lining. Dark blue.
Bow -- Bow probably with silver lining, if the collar had silver lining. Dark blue.
Bodice -- Any.
Sleeves -- Doesn't really matter. I think it'd look better without sleeves.
Brooch -- Misshaped silver Star (not completely equilateral)with a sapphire/zircon set in
Bottoms -- Something cool and punky.
Tiara -- Something metal and silver, http://www.etsy.com/listing/71461627/earendil-circlet-wedding-silver-celtic like that with a sapphire/zircon set into the middle.
Choker -- Choker. Silver, matches with tiara.
Shoes -- Something like Scylla's?
Gloves -- Either gloves or silver bracelets.
Accessories -- Earrings and a necklace would be nice. And of course her signature bracelet.
Attacks:
Sailor Scout Attack: Umbriel's Shadow
Duration: Once per battle to ensure her to have full energy for hand to hand combat. It lasts about 30 seconds-1 minute, just enough time for Umbriel to get closer to the opponent.
How it works: Umbriel puts her hands together and shadows shoot out of her hands (magic missile, if you will) and it will surround the enemy for 30 seconds-1 minute. It follows the enemy if the enemy runs, but the following will lessen the amount of darkness. However, if the enemy anticipates this attack and runs, this attack will only work if the missile hits the enemy and THEN becomes a cloud of shadows.
Super Sailor Scout Attack: Umbriel's Shadow Night
Duration: Twice per battle to ensure Umbriel to have full energy. It can last up to 2 minutes now.
How it works: It works the same as the first attack, except the shadows become thicker and it lasts longer. It also traps the enemy, meaning the enemy cannot move, making it easier for Umbriel to knock the enemy out.
Eternal Sailor Attack: Sudden Nightfall
Duration: Once per battle is the limit. Trying the second time would kill her. It can last up to 5 minutes.
How it works: This is a follow up to Umbriel's Shadow/Shadow Night. As the darkness surrounds the enemy, she shoots another missile out which will result in a shape in the cloud of darkness. It can attack the enemy, but only minor attacks. This will also serve as a distraction as Umbriel gets close to the enemy. The shapes can be anything from bats to owls to wolves, things that go bump in the night. There is only one shape.
Fighting Style:
Umbriel is small, light and speedy. Umbriel and her alter-ego are both very logical. They like to analyse things. If you faltered after her blow, she would take it apart bit by bit and then attack your weak spot she'd discovered in those 10 seconds. She is quick-minded, but what slows her down is her perfectionist personality. One mistake, and she's down for most of the battle. One falter, she blames herself so badly for it she can no longer focus on the rest of the battle.
Note: This is edited, is it better?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Dec 23, 2011 1:12 am
You have a wonderful start to a character! I'm usually pretty bad at critting flaws and virtues, so I'm just going to stick with the senshi aspect of your character if that's alright.
While I don't think that Night as a sphere will be a problem, the name might be as it is very close to an already created characters name. I would come up with a couple more back ups in case this happens. Might I suggest:
Umbriel - it is the darkest of Uranus's moons
Atropos- Sounds cool. Of the the Greek Fates along with
Lachesis
Or if you don't like those, there are a few lists floating around that you can access that have lists upon lists of names!
As for the attacks you have, they are incomplete. All attacks need to have:
Name
Description
Number of times the attack can be used
If there is an effect like confusion, slowing, ect, then there needs to be a time duration.
Ill give an example of my character. Grus's power summons a cloud of feathers that hinders the view of the enemy.
She can use it twice in battle.
The cloud lasts for thirty seconds before the feathers lose their magic and fall to the ground.
With that in mind, you'll have to go a little more in depth. Remember when picking a time limit that most battles only last two or three minutes.
Sailor Attack:
Summoning a sword is not going to be allowed. Senshi use magic; the Negaverse uses items and weapons. The item also contradicts her power sphere. If she is the senshi of night, why is her power using the light around her?
Super Sailor Attack:
Same story as the first. The idea of surrounding the enemy in darkness as part of the attack is good! You will just have to a duration time to the darkness. How long will the enemy be unable to see? Is there a distance limit? Say they were to just take off running in one direction, would they eventually run out of the darkness, or does the darkness follow them?
Eternal Sailor Attack:
This attack steps on too many toes. We already have a senshi of Canines that summons a large dog to attack as well as a senshi of owls that might feel this is too connected to her sphere. The name also doesn't really have much to do with the attack itself.
For a senshi of Night, maybe you can try hindering sight as your first attack. Then with the second, maybe while they are surrounded in darkness, they will hear things nearby but can't see them (things that go -bump- in the night). For a final attack maybe that -thing- that they hear can attack them, though what it looks like isn't really clear? Like it would look different to each individual (like how things look different and scarier in the dark)
This is just a suggestion of course, you can totally ignore my idea if you'd like.
SO here's some stuff for you to chew on. She sounds interesting and I am intrigued what you can do with this sphere!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2012 9:36 am
ON THE CIVILIAN SIDE ---
For the smelling hobby, a lot of this is very unclear to me. It is listed as a hobby, although referenced as a flaw, and not fully explained either way. What is meant by smelling being a hobby? It references within this section that hugging might also be a hobby, but doesn't explain that any further. What is meant that this explains why she has a bathroom in her house?
I normally would save the fighting style section for the Senshi side, but it has a lot to deal with her civilian side as well so it will be addressed in this section.
I am concerned about the number of talents she has - they seem a bit too extraordinary. She is said to play the cello, the piano, the harmonica and sing at a perfect pitch - which is quite an accomplishment to start with. But in the fighting style on the Senshi portion it references that she also has taken karate classes since she was a child and also knows archery, fencing, and is able to make a weapon out of anything that she gets her hands on. She has also set a record time in two different sprints at her school, and overall is described as an excellent fighter.
This is all too unbelievable - the amount of dedication and time necessary to excel at just one or two of these things would trump the amount of time she has to practice the others. She is described as being at the top of her game in too many things, such as singing, combat, and running that it becomes difficult to believe. To add to that, all of her combat and running skills aren't mentioned in her hobbies at all, so there is no motivation given to why she is trained in these things.
What motivated her to become such a good combatant? How did she gather so much experience in combat? That she is so good at combat doesn't make sense for the character. Remember, until her awakening she will be an ordinary teenage girl with as much reason to be trained in combat as any other teenage girl.
In general, the language describing her fighting style needs to be drastically turned down. It describes her being able to blind her combatants with a handful of dirt, leave her opponents with multiple cuts using a twig, and being able to identify and attack a weak spot of her enemy in ten seconds. This is all very over-powered.
It also describes her as someone who "loves to get up close to the opponent and watch their face twist up in agony" which does not fit with the character's personality in the profile. This phrase sounds a bit sociopathic and concerning.
As for her virtues and flaws...
The "Serious when she needs to be" virtue could use more explanation or examples other than times when she is not laughing at serious situations, since it is more of a flaw on the end of people who do laugh at serious than it is a virtue on the end of people who don't laugh.
The "Determined" virtue could stand to be a bit stronger. Right now it is undermined by saying that is really focused unless she changes her mind.
"Competitive" virtue needs to be described more as a virtue since it is one of those characteristics that can go either way - too be too competitive or consequently be a sore loser could be a flaw, but to have a competitive drive could be a virtue. If this remains as a virtue, focus on the positives!
For flaws, the "Bossy" flaw reads much like a repeat of the "Perfectionist" flaw as written. However, they could be differentiated. In the "Perfectionist" flaw it talks a bit about her bossing people around, so focus on that in the "Bossy" section and talk more about how being a perfectionist affects her in the "Perfectionist" section.
"Tomboy" wouldn't qualify as a flaw, or at least not as written. What parts of being a tomboy would be a flaw? That she hangs around with boys or seems masculine are not flaws.
The "Insecure" flaw needs work as well. Within this flaw it says she is described both as seeming like a "stubborn teenager who is confident about everything" yet "very insecure." This is a big contradiction. Flaws need to be externalized and noticeable by others. Why is she insecure? How is she insecure if she is confident?
ON THE POWERED SIDE ---
Unfortunately, a Senshi of Night sphere would be a tough sphere to work with. As it stands, the spheres of Stars, Moon, Darkness, and Shadows are all on the restricted list. There are two Senshi in play with the sphere of Twilight and Eclipse. With this all in mind, a Senshi of Night would need to have powers that are unrelated to the stars, moon, darkness, shadows, twilight or the eclipse. My top suggestion would be to find an alternate sphere you are comfortable with or may enjoy.
However, within the sphere there are some options that can be explored...
If the powers were to focus less on shadows and darkness and more on something like night blindness then that may be more viable.
The current powers are a bit unclear as well. I am not sure what is meant by the Scout attack - she summons magic missiles to surround her enemy for 30-60 seconds for what purpose? Likewise, the Super power is unclear as it is based on this. There is a reference to shadows and clouds of darkness - these would be crossing into the territory of Shadows and Darkness as restricted spheres and has little do to with specifically Night itself as a sphere.
Likewise, the Eternal attack focuses more on Shadows and Darkness than it does on Night as well. There is some more association here, but may step on the toes of Senshi of Twilight whose powers deal with being distracted by seeing strange things in the peripheral shadows and darkness.
Overall, while there may be a lot of fixes suggested, I do think that everything is fixable! When you have gone through my notes and have made your revisions, feel free to quote me for another look. If you have any questions you are free to quote me and ask those as well!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Nov 03, 2012 1:50 am
I'm not exactly sure how to edit, so I just delete some stuff. I realise that I did make her too mary-sue, haha. I basically just deleted the smelling thing since it was pretty weird anyway. For the music bit, I'd just like to say that I know a lot of people who know 3 or more instruments, and also by "perfect pitch", I mean, uhm, its sort of difficult to explain, but it's like being able to recognise pitches and notes, not necessarily just singing. I've changed the fighting style since that was way to unbelievable, as you can see I just left the light, speedy and logical bit. --- I'm not sure how to change the serious and determined virtues. Not sure how to expand on both, could you give me some tips? Also competitive, I think maybe I could just merge that with determined? As in determined to be best at everything and such? As for bossy, I've slightly changed the wording and added a bit more. I realise that the flaw is very similar to perfectionist, but still slightly different, so I've tried to write the flaw differently so it stands alone. I've just deleted the tomboy part since I realised its basically just her personality and isn't a flaw or a virtue at all. = = The insecure flaw, I was about to explain that it was on the inside, but you just said that they need to externalised and noticeable, so maybe could I change it to, say, she is very sceptical of other what and what they say, and tends to question what they do? Or how would you suggest to change it to? -- I took the sphere night out of a list in one of the information forums, but I realise that this is probably too hard to work with. Since this is my first quest and I'd like to keep this character, what would you suggest I change it to? By magic missile, its like a shot of darkness? I don't really mean magic missile as in a magic missile, but like, say if my character could work with water it would be a stream of water rushing at the enemy? I guess that's how to explain it. From a previous crit, she suggested that negaverse uses weapons and senshi used magic (my previous attack being a sword). Because my sphere is night, I couldn't really think of any "magic" that would do any type of attack (for example if my sphere were water, then I could drown/freeze the enemy, but my sphere is night, and I can't make the enemy fall asleep, since there's already a senshi with that sphere), so I was thinking of hindering the enemy's sight and then just having the senshi go and do close combat. However, I realise that the enemy would step on the spheres of darkness, shadows etc. So, I think I'd just change my sphere. I don't want to sound lazy, but I'd rather have a sphere that were closer to my current one, as thinking up attacks is pretty hard = = Anyway, thanks for critiquing. I hope my character is a better one now, although I still have to fix so much, haha. Its my first time doing a rp, so I'm completely new with all this thinking up characters thing. Thank you!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Nov 03, 2012 2:52 pm
ON THE CIVILIAN SIDE ---
Combining the Determined and Competitive virtues would be a good start to expand on both traits, and would even out the number of virtues and flaws.
For the Serious virtue, the trait is a fair virtue but the examples given within its section have less to do with being serious and more to do with being decent or appropriate. Particularly, the examples are about situations where if she were to be not serious, it would be a flaw. The norm in situations where people are talking about discrimination or rape is to not make jokes, so how does her seriousness become more evident than the norm in this situation? Giving less extreme or situational examples of when her seriousness comes through would clear this up.
The Perfectionist and Bossy flaws read as too similar still. Her approaching people and telling them what is off about them is less being a perfectionist and more being bossy, so that should go under the Bossy section (since they are standards she holds other people to). However, the standards she holds to herself and the negative impacts of that can go under the Perfectionist section.
The Insecure flaw is still a contradiction within itself since there is no reason for this girl to be insecure, and the section doesn't delve into that. Within the section it refers to her as a stubborn and confident teenager. How is she simultaneously confident and insecure? Why is she insecure?
ON THE POWERED SIDE ---
For the fighting style, it still says, "If you faltered after her blow, she would take it apart bit by bit and then attack your weak spot she'd discovered in those 10 seconds." This makes her sound way too powerful. Why is she able to detect someone's weak spot so easily? That type of analysis is learned after a lot experience in combat training.
An option within the sphere of night could deal with night blindness. This may be similar to darkness, but as long as the focus is more on night that darkness then the powers would be acceptable.
For instance, her scout ability could cause her opponent's vision to go dark as if it were as dark as night. Their eyes would be able to adjust to the darkness as time goes on, and eventually regain full vision. For the Scout attack this could last for maybe 30 seconds with increasing visibility during this time (i.e., 5% visibility upon casting, 50% visibility halfway/15 seconds in, 100% visibility after 30 seconds) and perhaps 45 seconds for Super. Then her Eternal could impact multiple targets. As long as darkness and shadows aren't the focus - but darkness of night is the focus - then it could be passable.
(If that is similar to what you had intended before, forgive me - I wasn't quite sure because it was mentioning the bolts and shapes and had too much to do with shadows.)
As for alternative spheres, I am not sure what to suggest. Spheres that are related to Night would run into the same problems and restrictions.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Nov 03, 2012 3:03 pm
Just popping in to throw out a suggestion. Since the night isn't always dark (depending on the phases of the moon and where in the world you are located), what about making the sphere more about things that thrive during the night? Maybe the powers can be nocturnally based?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
