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 Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2011 5:35 pm
So... hey. I'm Spice! Er, Lola.
Well, neither of those are my real name, but my real name is really uncommon in the area of Orlando I live in, so I just don't want this Gaia to be tracked down by anyone I know. So. Spice. Hi.
I'm 16, a Taurus, a lesbian, a feminist, my favorite colors are red, hunter green, and black, I love rich brown leather, soft velvet, broken-in denim.
So I guess this is where I'll just rant, because I'm on Gaia every day and maybe whoever happens to read this will maybe give me some objective advice, and plus a crew member who I've been talking to suggested I should check this out and the idea's been in my head.
So, uh, yeah. Don't judge me, I guess? Although this would be the last guild to do that, haha. And if I sound whiny, well... this is my rant space. Sometimes when I rant I sound whiny. Enjoy it.
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Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2011 5:50 pm
C'est le vingt-quatre novembre, 2011.
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Okay, so there's this girl, right. Ugh she's so cute and unbelievably adorable and apparently she likes me back! 19 years old, Italian, long dreads, septum pierced, and a senior at my school. Smart and opinionated and thoughtful but that's kind of the problem.
See, we've been "talking for a while", and we're at this point where we hold hands and people in our school know we're "together", and I kiss her and she kisses me back and it's good. So I really want to just ask her to be my girlfriend- because right now people ask us when we're together, "oh, are you guys going out?" and I don't say she's my girlfriend and she doesn't either, but I feel like we're at that point of commitment where neither of us is about to make eyes at someone else.
Fabiolaaaaa why do you have to ask questions like "what does dating even mean? I don't understand this society's concept of 'dating'". Ugh I love you for those questions but they're so frustrating, too.
The way I define dating is just a preliminary level of commitment where you're seeing someone exclusively, and you're not interested in anyone else, and you just want to see where it goes. I'd be really happy to be able to introduce her as "my girlfriend", because I know it's a remnant of our patriarchy, and I know it's possessive and maybe even demeaning, but it feels so warm. It would just be cute.
So I'm thinking of when we're back in school, asking her out "officially".
o///o
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Posted: Sat Nov 26, 2011 5:14 pm
C'est le vingt-six novembre, 2011.
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I got back to Orlando today, and I really felt like crying the whole time on the plane- not because "oh boohoo I only with one parent boohoo", or anything, but because of my.. best friend.
I haven't seen Maddie all week, and last vacation I only got to see Marrissa. This week i hung out a BUNCH with Jacob and Vicki, so Maddie had Jacob drive by her house yesterday (they're cousins) to pick up something she's had for me for a while. It was this small box, filled with "mementos" of our friendship, as you might say. See, since I've moved and can't talk to my friends as often, I'm really aware that no one down here in Florida is really my "best" friend or I'm theirs.. They just have known their friends so much longer. So my depression has lately started creeping up on me a lot more, and it's awful, and it reminds me that my friends are probably slowly forgetting me and that no one here cares, and it says all these horrible things to me that I know are somewhat true.
So, this box Maddie gave me.. the things in it are like, a talisman of sorts. On the flight, i sat there reading a collection of letters she had written every so often and never gotten to mail, and there was a collage of things that remind her and I of each other that she had laminated and she sewed into a wallet. There's barbie shoe earrings and lego block earrings she made that we had used to make together in middle school, and photos she had tucked in the box for me of her and her (ex)boyfriend at their proms (her school has prom every year because it's a VERY small arts school), and little pins she had made for me, and a small "papercraft" of Russia from Hetalia that we made at her house along with a whole army of papercrafts, back when we were slightly weeaboo-ish.
It's just... the way the little notes and letters tucked in the box were written was so natural, so frank, as if nothing had changed; I wanted to cry the whole flight long. I miss my friends a lot. Even though I've been at this school in Florida for two years now (third high school), I still get horribly depressed or socially awkward and nervous, and I feel so left out sometimes when I have this girl who's my "best friend" in school, but I know she has her best friend who goes to another school that she's known since birth, practically, and I get almost jealous, because I had that, and now I'm just adrift, and i really feel like whenever I'm absent from school, no one cares much, and if I disappear into Europe in a year and half (if plans go well), I feel like no one would notice.
But it's like this box, these letters, prove that someone does care. Because I just doubt so much whether anyone does.
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