I am me, myself, I am only myself.
I am me, myself, I am only myself.
She kept repeating it in her head, over and over again. She woke in the early hours and as Cellen was off, perhaps scrounging for something for the both of them, Reisx came to rest in the sanctuary of the sleeping hills. The dawn was just breaking, the sky lit in pastels, and she breathed deeply, and smiled. As she came to a grove of gnarled trees, she relished in the feel of the bark smoothing and rubbing against her back and sides as she maneuvered through them, looking at the raised trees that looked as if they wished to walk just as she could.
She breathed, and spoke aloud.
"I am me, myself, I am only myself."
Cellen had so much devotion, and faith, and she felt her doubts slipping in his presence. She felt her strength, her pride returning. She felt like she wanted to stride into the settlement, during the day, find the male fighter and show him what, no, who she truly was. She smiled, thinking about it. Stretching her muscles, her body reacting, wanting more, wanting the aggression, the activity, the thrill of the fight, but not the pain of imprisonment.
She wanted to fight, to show her strength, but, it would come at a price, that she knew.
But, she had to remember always:
"I am me, myself, I am only myself."
What do you wish of me, she wished to ask her anxious mind and curious eyes. They were taking her somewhere, deeper into the thicket before her. She did not remember coming this way, not even looking for small game to hunt. She sniffed the air, caught no familiar or foreign scents. It smelled, clean. But how could this be? There was so much here, so much to infiltrate her nose, but everything fit, everything had a place and purpose.
Just as she did.
JUst as Cellen told her, time and time again.
Reisx believed her place was out here, but, she no longer believed in just that. She believed she belonged here, but in his heart, as a part of him. Cellen, his thoughts, his heart, could not escape her dreams, and she thought of him when they were apart. He made her stronger, wild, and she relished in the feeling, the exhilaration, the freedom-
The life.
I am me, myself, I am only myself.
But not only herself, she corrected. To be herself, her individual, Cellen was there, always there now, whether in mind, body, presence or dream. He was her anchor, her determination and power, her stamina, and strong shoulders. She smiled. Yes she was herself, but not only herself, they were one.
Reisx was herself, only herself, but she was made of the wild, her past, and of Cellen. She was of the here and now, her experiences, her hopes and dreams for the future, and her trials and tribulations that would no doubt occur in the future.
She let herself become still, letting her ears listen to what was around her. Breathing in she caught the sweet scent of a tree that she remembered vividly as a pup, but she could not place it. The name, the tip of her tongue, but it was sweet to smell and taste. Succulent, almost like a freshly fallen fruit, but there was something else along with it too: remembrance.
To be able to face what plagued her, forced her mind and body into such a caged reprieve from what she knew and love, she had to prepare, she knew those around her: Cellen, Ai, Seven, they could help, but, they would never be able to understand the extent of the turmoil she endured. She needed to train,a s if a fighter, still, so she would be ready to face him, be ready for anything that came across her at all.
Breathing deep, she let a puff of air escape her maw, a white mist converging into a mass and then becoming nothing midair. She repeated it several times, breathing in and out, remembering the phrase, repeating it in her mind, Remembering, she had to remember and never forget.
She could never allow herself to forget who she was, never again.
She remembered very little, from when she was very young. She remembered feeling the grass beneath her paws, and how strange the cobblestones felt in comparison. She remembered the taste of fresh stream water being filtered over smooth rubbing stones, how the stones felt so smooth to the touch, but how harsh and rough concrete of the settlement was. There were so many differences between what was then and now, just passed, but she had to take it all in. And, though she didn't want to, she had to accept that it happened, that it occurred, and accept that some of the reason for it happening was her fault and that she needed to come to terms with it.
She breathed again, sighing, letting her silver eyes look up to the sky, some stars filtering through, just slightly, dull against the canvas they lay upon.
If only she could have gained as much distance as the stars could, perhaps she could gain a better perspective on how to continue.
She knew, of course, she could return to that grove, out to where that area was and hope to run into one of the others, hope they would give her some advice on how to continue. But she remembered what they said, she needed to be able to help herself, or others would not be able to do anything for her. She needed to accept who she was, and give into instinct, no matter the cost, so that she could become whole and heal, she needed to become Reisx, truly, Reisx, she in herself, and live on strong in spirit, body and mind.
She needed to be her, herself, and only herself, and live so that she could live happy days from then on.
