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 Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2011 10:02 pm
He was not sleeping well.
Truth be told, he was not sleeping at all. He had tried, of course - for several hours, after secluding himself away in his room and locking the door - for once. Ren had sent messages to everyone after his return, just to make sure they were all right, but he could not seem to get the energy to actually get up and see them face to face.
He did not know why. Under normal circumstances, he would have been panicked without it - his reactions during the field trip had been evidence enough of that, when he had demanded LW and Gabrian and Jove all shift to their regular forms so that he could see their faces.
But where was that need now?
Ren felt drained; there was a heavy despondency in his veins that seemed to weigh him down and drag him to the depths of darkness, a darkness that he could not fight out of.
Fire. So much fire.
He could still taste the scorch of heat on his tongue, still feel the burning all the way up his legs and arms until it consumed his entire body; a sensation he had never experienced before, never wanted to feel again.
Ever.
His hand was throbbing. Ren lay haphazardly on his bed, his head at the foot, blankets, pillows, and foxfires all strewn on and around him. It had been like this for several hours now, Ren attempting to sleep. But it wasn't working. His mind seemed to not want to rest, his thoughts going a thousand miles a second. He felt jittery, unnerved, like he was going to jump out of his skin.
And there it was - the desperation. It crawled up his being, clawed at his chest until his breath was coming out in short, staccato gasps.
Ren sat up, pushing his long, sweat-dampened hair away from his forehead. Without a sound, he swung his legs from the bed and left the room, ignoring the questioning gaze he was getting from Rhys. Down the hall he padded until he reached the stairs, and then he climbed down, back to the second floor and past the various doors until he reached the one he wanted.
He did not bother knocking; he never knocked when it came to a few certain people. Instead, Ren slipped quietly in, closing the door silently behind him. He stood there for a moment, just looking at the figure curled asleep on the bed, his hands still on the doorknob. Pushing away from it, he moved stealthily, as if on autopilot, over to where she lay. Quietly he pulled back the covers and climbed beneath them, his wings fluttering against his back. One arm went around LW's waist, the other under his own head. Ren curled himself against his ghoulfriend and buried his face in the werewolf's hair, breathing in her warm, familiar scent.
Don't leave me.
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Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2011 11:04 pm
She shivered and curled up in a tighter ball. Sleep was light and restless. Not going well at all. All of her minipets had tried to lay around her and comfort her, but none of them were helping. Their presence was a comfort and LW didn't feel lonely. But...they weren't the right presence. Not the one she wanted. The one she needed.
But she couldn't bring herself to get up. To leave. Part of it was fear. Fear of what she would find.
Or not find.
LW clutched the pillow her head lay on tighter, a small whine escaping. Austin and Fravashi (one of her newest additions) both lifted their heads and curled closer to her. Callix shared the pillow and offered his lady master a nuzzle with a soft croon.
None of them were right though! And finally, all but BB - of all her pets - remained curled up with her. All the tossing and turning she'd done and either knocked her pets off or they gave up trying to help. BB remained curled just under her pillow though, his little tail the only part sticking out. Her fingers curled around the small bit of fluff as she slowed her breathing down and tried to find a moment of peace. And she did. Partially. Enough that her body began to relax and unwind muscle by muscle. She didn't hear the door quietly open. Or catch the familiar scent that accompanied her room's newest occupant. Her pets regarded him with looks that could be labeled as relief. Austin thumped his tail once at Ren but otherwise did nothing else.
Warmth suddenly surrounded her. A warmth that had nothing to do with the covers she was buried under. And the scent! Cinnamon and vanilla. LW stirred, waking a little. Was she dreaming? Or was he real? A hand slid down and gently touched the arm around her waist. Real. Warm. The she-wolf twisted in Ren's hold until she was looking at him. Him! It really was him!
"Ren...." LW couldn't keep from burying her face against him, head tucked under his chin. She curled into him. Into the warmth she'd desperately needed.
"I love you, kitten." She whispered softly, emotion clear in her tone.
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Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2011 11:28 pm
Ren silently lifted his arm to accommodate LW shifting so that she could face him, resting it back around her waist once she was settled. His hand smoothed against her back as the shewolf's fingers drifted along his arm, and he pulled his hand down so that he could link his fingers with hers briefly.
Why does this hurt so much?
It was not the being with LW that hurt; with her, he felt more at peace than he ever did anywhere else. She was the one person with whom he could be himself and not worry about anything else; the world had a tendency to melt away when he was with her, and now was no exception. But the pain from the fire, from the trip, from everyone dying, from him not being able to be her strength while they had been away...
It was killing him.
Her face was pressed against his chest, her fingers against his shirt.
"I love you."
Ren felt a swooping sensation in his stomach, his chest feeling tight. Quietly he smoothed his hand down her long, silky hair in repeated gestures, not saying a word. After a few moments his fingers drifted against LW's face, along her cheek until he could pull her face up to his and kiss her, gentle and soft. Then he drew away, gathering her up in his arms and hugging her so tightly he thought she might not be able to breathe.
He was trembling; and his eyes felt strangely damp, though Ren blinked rapidly as though he had something caught in his lashes, his face closing off, moving to something expressionless.
I'm not weak.
Except he was. He hadn't been there to protect LW, he hadn't been able to be her strength or hold her hand or support her when she had needed him.
Why can't I be what I want to be?
Ren buried his face back into LW's hair, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply. He wished he could surround himself with the shewolf, always breathe in her scent, her voice, her heart. His fingers tightened on her shoulders.
"I love you."
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Posted: Sun Nov 06, 2011 1:12 am
She shivered again, moving closer to her boilfriend. Jack she had missed him. Wanted to see his face. Her fingers slid from his moving up to trail lightly along his face. Her fingers felt cooler against his skin. Sliding her fingers a little further, she let them comb through his golden-brown strands before curling comfortably next to him.
LW had missed having him by her side. Missed the comfort his presence brought her. The way his scent calmed her. He was her partner. Her best friend. Her boilfriend.
The words had just tumbled out with no thought or prior planning. They were nothing but solid truth that LW felt was right. Those words were what she had wanted to say. Wanted to whisper for a long while. And she did love the turkey. Everything about him. From the smallest freckle to his heartwarming smile. The she-wolf cherished everything that was 'Ren'.
His hand stroked her hair and LW felt the tension leave her body completely. She nuzzled against him, cheek running along his chest until fingers brushed along her face and pulled it up towards his. LW shifted only enough to tilt her head up and return his gentle kiss. It ended too soon, she felt, but as he gathered her closer, LW felt something in her tighten. He was hurting. She didn't know why or what had caused it, but something was bothering him. Greatly.
She curled her fingers against his chest and pressed close as he held her tight. He was...trembling. LW could feel it and it had her moving closer, uncurling one hand so slide it to his back and rub slowly. Soothingly. It made her be more than just his ghoulfriend. She was his best friend as well.
And then, those three little words. I love you. It made funny little things happen inside her. Pleasant things. Joyful feelings.
The she-wolf stayed curled tightly against her best friend. She stayed like that for several minutes before pushing gently away, only far enough to meet his gaze. LW willed him to hold her gaze, not look away or hide. Leaning forward, LW placed a sweet and innocent kiss against his lips.
"Ren...dear heart, what's wrong?" LW asked quietly in a sweet voice.
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Posted: Sun Nov 06, 2011 9:07 am
He did not have the words to explain just how he felt; nothing seemed accurate enough. There was the complete and utter helplessness that came from his lack of strength, but there was also the heart pounding affection and love - yes, love - that made him want to lose himself in LW forever. Ren had not thought that he could have ever felt this way about anyone before; Jack knew that while his relationship with Alessa had been lovely and fulfilling, there had always been something missing. He did not know what it was, but whatever it was he had found it in LW.
She felt small and warm in his arms, her nose against his chest, and Ren closed his eyes, his face pressed into her hair as though if he inhaled deeply enough he could forever imprint her scent in his mind and heart.
Why can't I be what I want?
The desperation, the self loathing, the strong desire to tear his hair out in frustration over his messed up self all slid through Ren like fire in his veins. His fingers clenched against LW's shoulder, his eyes meeting hers as she forced his chin upwards so that she could look into his eyes.
It was rather painful; he did not want her to see the furious mix of emotions that were cascading through him, especially not when he still was trying to blink rapidly and get rid of that strange dampness. LW's lips were warm and gentle against his own; Ren felt his chest tighten with anxiety.
Slowly he moved his face towards hers, nuzzling his nose against LW's, ghosting his lips over her cheek.
"Nothing," he murmured. "Nothing's wrong."
It was a lie, of course; there were a million different things wrong, none of which he wanted to admit to. Ren moved his face closer and let his eyes fall shut again, capturing LW's mouth with his own once more. This kiss, however, lasted a great deal longer than the other small, light ones. Every sort of desperate feeling he had was poured into it, Ren's fingers gripping LW's arm tightly, wanting to drown himself in the shewolf. A desperate, fervent kiss to remind himself that he was still alive.
When he finally pulled away, his breathing was ragged and uneven, Ren dizzy with his own feelings. He pulled LW as close as humanly possible, resting his chin atop her head as his body began to shake violently, unable to prevent the tears that had started to fall.
"I'm sorry," he gasped out, feeling his heart breaking. "I'm so sorry."
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Posted: Sun Nov 06, 2011 5:40 pm
If she hadn't thought something was wrong before, oh she certainly did now. Ren should know better! The she-wolf knew him better than anyone else and there was no hiding things from her. True she never pushed him to talk about whatever it was, but she never had to. He knew - or he better have known - she would always be there for him. Always be ready to listen when he was ready to talk. Or just provide him with the comfort of a friendly body to snuggle with.
Yet...there was more there. A deeper feeling. One that rang in honest truth like the words she had spoken. LW didn't know how to explain it. Just that Ren felt right. Being with him. Around him. Being his...
The emotions she saw in his golden gaze made her grip tighten on the gryphon and her heart squeeze. She wanted to help him somehow and couldn't stand seeing him like that. But she was nothing if not patient and sweet. Except when he lied. Violet eyes narrowed ever so slightly, a small frown forming. He wouldn't have seen it, unless he looked (which she doubted he did). Strangely, it didn't bother her that he tried to lie. No if anything, it worried her. Only confirmed that something was deeply bothering him.
"Ren." It was soft, not demanding, filled with concern but love as well. Nothing more was said, partially because of him. It was kind of hard to speak when someone was kissing you after all. And this kiss was different. All the feelings he was trying to hide, working hard not to say were poured into that kiss. And LW responded in the easiest way she could. By surrendering to it and pouring her own emotions and love and everything she was to him into a kiss. She barely felt the tight fingers digging into her arm, her only focus the gryphon that held her in his arms.
When they broke apart, she sucked in a few deep, shaky breaths. She didn't fight when he pulled her as close as possible, instead sliding her arms completely around him. The shaking had her holding him even tighter, cheek pressed against his chest as her eyes closed. LW ran her fingers through the long silky strands of her boilfriends hair. Her tail lightly flicked just enough for a soft yet soothing chime to ring rhythmically as she nuzzled Ren.
"For what, dear heart?" She asked softly, brushing her lips against his shoulder. "What the Jack do you have to be sorry for? You did nothing wrong. I have no reason to be mad." LW continued to tease his with her fingers as she spoke. "Don't do this to yourself, kitten. You're beating yourself up over something. Why?"
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Posted: Sun Nov 06, 2011 8:45 pm
He knew she did not believe him; LW was one of the only people who could tell when Ren was lying, when he was trying to hide something from her. It was not that he did not trust her, or believe in her, or want her strength.
He did not want her to see him as weak.
That was probably too late; LW had seen him at his best and his worst, considering that they had been best friends before they were dating. And even now Ren wondered how he had managed to get as fortunate as he was. How had he not seen what everyone else had? How had he been so thickheaded all this while?
Ren's fingers stroked through LW's hair as the trembling slowly subsided, feeling her warmth against his face.
"For not protecting you like I should have," he murmured, his wings fluttering, then folding downwards around the both of them so they created a sort of cocoon. "For not being there. For leaving, for losing control of my senses, for getting caught, for being weak...
"For everything."
A sigh escaped his lips, Ren absently rubbing his thumb against LW's cheek, his fingertips grazing her skin. "I've never been this uncertain before," he admitted, looking down at her. "I'm not used to...to caring for someone else. I'm used to being on my own, remember?"
He gave a small snort. "You'd think that after a year of being friends with you guys I'd get used to it by now, but I haven't yet. It's not that easy to get rid of that mindset, since it's so ingrained into my head.
"But you, my wolflove," he murmured, his eyes meeting hers. "You have made my thoughts entirely about you."
The room was quiet except for their voices. Ren ducked his head and kissed LW's forehead, lingering there for a long moment. It was silent for several minutes, and then he began to sing in a low, rough voice.
"So long, I've been looking too hard, I've waiting too long
Sometimes I don't know what I will find
I only know it's a matter of time
When you love someone... When you love someone...
It feels so right, so warm and true, I need to know if you feel it too
maybe I'm wrong
won't you tell me if I'm coming on too strong?
this heart of mine has been hurt before
this time I wanna be sure
I've been waiting, for a girl like you
to come into my life
I've been waiting, for a girl like you
and a love that will survive
I've been waiting for someone new
To make me feel alive,
Yeah, waiting for a girl like you to come into my life
You're so good, when we make love it's understood
It's more than a touch or a word we say
Only in dreams could it be this way
When you love someone... Yeah, really love someone...
now I know it's right
from the moment I wake up till deep in the night
there's no where on earth that I'd rather be
than holding you, tenderly
I've been waiting, for a girl like you
To come into my life
I've been waiting, for a girl like you
and a love that will survive
I've been waiting for someone new
To make me feel alive
Yeah, waiting for a girl like you
to come into my life."
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Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2011 4:59 pm
It was very difficult not to let the canine in her rumble in a hum of approval as fingers still stroked through her hair. It was, probably, one of her greatest weaknesses. Being a canine, she loved pets. Something that Gabrian had discovered and used against her when she was stressed. But this? This was just blissful. All the tension had fled from her body to leave warm and fuzzy feelings in it's place.
Now, if only Ren could lose the self loathing and guilt. As those were the two feelings she was leaning towards being the dominant ones right now.
LW just gave him a look. One that he had seen many a time across her features. It wasn't like the one Gabrian could direct at them (that was in it's own, separate category that neither she or Ren had managed to mimic). She hated seeing him beat himself up over stuff like this. Foolish things some would say.
She felt strangely warm and fuzzy when his wings folded around them. Made her feel like she was right where she belonged.
"I remember." LW said softly, slipping a hand up to brush under his eyes before curling her fingers around the hand at her cheek. "But you've gotten so much better!" The she-wolf tried to protest but found words didn't want to work now. She stared at him, many emotions flickering through her eyes as her heart missed several beats. Even when he kissed her forehead and lingered there, LW could not manage to stop staring up at him. Though there was a dampness to her eyes now though.
And when he sang, something wet trailed down her cheeks.
The she-wolf listened quietly, eyes closing, letting the words surround her. She felt her fingers curl tighter against Ren's hand, body shuddering once as she attempted to keep the strong emotions at bay. When the words drifted off, she didn't know what to say. Couldn't get words to form. But she wanted to say something! Wanted respond with all her heart.
Opening her eyes, LW tilted her head up towards Ren's. Her violet gaze seemed brighter, almost luminescent. The werewolf moved just enough to pull him to her (it wasn't hard, since they really couldn't get any closer, she thought) and kiss him. Where his last kiss had been desperate and full of emotion, her kiss was simply all that she was. Like the time he had followed her out under the full moon. LW hid nothing from this kiss. His. She was his. Her heart belonged to him.
Her hand moved to fully clasp his, palms warm together. But just as quickly, something small and cool appeared between them. Were Ren to pull his hand away, clasping the small object, he would find a familiar emblem. From my heart, to yours. Those had been the words once said to her.
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Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2011 10:52 pm
"Yes, I know," said Ren, catching the look LW directed towards him - it was the one that said she was clearly upset that he was blaming himself when he shouldn't have been, that she hated when he fell into these patterns of self-loathing and despair.
But it was not as if he could help it. Even with LW's gentle consolations, her soft voice telling him otherwise, Ren could not seem to escape those downward spirals. It was like a cycle; one moment he was happy and pleased, the next, lost in blackness. He knew it was not anyone's fault here - at least, for the most part. It was his father that had started it - had started everything.
I can't ever escape them.
LW's hand felt warm and small against his cheek, and Ren let his eyes fall halfway shut, his fingers tightening around hers. He turned her palm towards his face and kissed it, brushing his lips against her skin, lingering there to inhale the scent of spices that always made her so distinct.
His song, of course, was only for her; he could feel his ghoulfriend's body shaking next to his, LW desperately trying to hold back the tears, though he could already see the odd brightness of her eyes, the dampness on her cheek, just before she caught his mouth with her own in a quiet, gentle kiss that spoke volumes more than words ever could have.
Something small slipped into his hand, against his palm. Ren did not have to open his eyes to know what it was, and he kept it there, pressing between their intertwined hands, letting himself be lost in everything that was the woman he loved.
From my heart to yours.
Always and forever.
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