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 Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2011 5:26 pm
This is my first public RP in a long, long time. Crits, if anything needs to be changed (and I'm sure there will be), let me know. Edited on Nov. 6: I took into consideration of the changes I needed to make. I've dropped the unnecessary second Tsui to her name, added more to her Virtues and Flaws, and tweaked around with her attacks. If there are anymore crits, let me know. Also, as far as her hair goes, I wasn't meaning literal cat ears, but hair buns that are shaped as cat ears. I put up more references in case anyone was confused, but I also added a second possible hairstyle if the cat-ear hair buns are still off limits. To those that have critiqued Gwen/Tsui, thank you so much! SailorTsui, Senshi of the Tigers. Name: Gwendolyn Caspian Nickname: Gwen, Lynn by her sister Age: 15 Birthday: July 29 Sign: Leo Gemstone: Gold Blood Type: O- Fav. Food: Steak, medium-well, with loaded mash potatoes Hated Food: Tapioca pudding and anything vegan (she loves meat and dairy too much) School: St-Magsdalena's Seminary, though Gwen is on an epic quest to get out of this school. She lives with her sister, whom has graciously allowed her to stay free of rent, though at the cost of her going to the only school that she could afford (and close enough to their apartment so that Gwen can walk home instead of being picked up.) Due to Gwen's righteous and stubborn nature, she tends to get into fights as well, giving the poor nuns at St. Mags a run for their money. Hobbies: Gymnastics – If there’s one thing that Gwendolyn likes to do, it’s show off, and gymnastics is the perfect outlet for that sort of impulse. Her smaller stature helps in keeping her nimble, even though her diet is constantly threatening to sabotage her. Her favorite part is the floor programme, as it allows her to express herself, as well as be the center of attention. The pommel horse, however, is likely to do her in someday. She takes her love for gymnastic elsewhere, balancing herself on fences or ruining her spring bed with constant backflips (she dares not try any of these stunts near her computer or gaming consoles, though… her sister would kill her!) Video Games – Mainly, RPGs and action games. She would be a great gymnast if it wasn’t for those fancy consoles and their time consuming ways, but she hardly has time to regret the countless hours she spent either grinding her party up for the next boss or tinkering with her graphics card to force her computer to handle the next biggest game. She’s likely to have some sort of handheld on her person at all times and does well enough with hiding it. Sometimes. Sketching – On the off chance that she’s not flipping around on the parallel bars or trying to top the highest score at the arcade (which is most likely her’s to begin with), Gwendolyn can be found sketching in her small art pad, notebook, homework, anything and everything that has a flat surface. They’re not especially good, but they’re not stick figures either. It’s not a real serious hobby, but she’s not afraid to show off her sketches- even during exams. She doesn’t like to leave an empty answer, so she’ll trade in a few points for a humorous little doodle. Animal-Lover- Gwendolyn has a weak spot for animals, all great and small. Cats, dogs, domestic rodents, horses, sheep, pigs and the list goes on and on. With the exception of pigeons and carrion birds, Gwendolyn will often confide in her furry little friends when she grows too annoyed by humans, and she especially adores her little rat, whom she “affectionately” named after her step-father, Micah. A rat was the only pet she could sneak into the apartment complexes, as cats and dogs aren’t allowed. Petting zoos, pet stores and zoos are often on her to-do list on the weekends or after school, so if she needs to be found, there’s a good chance she can be found her. Virtues: Energetic – Gwendolyn has a lot of energy, and she’s willing to share it with anyone, regardless if they want it or not. No one really knows where she gets her drive from, but one thing’s for certain: If she does anything, she does it big, she does it loud, and she, more often then not, does it with style. During classes, she’ll often be found kicking her feet, much to the annoyance of the person sitting ahead of her, and her energetic nature gives her an edge on the gym floor, as well as her duties as a Senshi. In combat, she will push herself to her limit and give it her all, often trying to finish the fight in a single blow as to not let it drag on too long. Where does the energy come from? Her diet? Her fighting spirit? Whatever its source, she has a good control over it and tries not to let a single bit of it go to waste. Righteousness – Despite her upbringing and the troubles that chased her out of her old hometown, Gwendolyn has a strong sense of morality and within her small chest burns the bright flames of righteousness. While she acknowledges that the world isn’t completely black and white (like her hair), she still feels that’s no reason to let go of morals entirely. This courtesy is given to friends, acquaintances, or anyone that just looks pathetic, and for her fellow Senshi, she’ll definitely let them know that if there is ever a great injustice done to them or herself, she’ll be there to defend righteousness and what she feels is proper. Her strong sense of righteousness often lands Gwendolyn into conflicts and heaps of trouble, but so long as she knows she’s doing the right thing, she’ll keep her moral stance no matter the danger. Audacious -- Gwendolyn is willing to try anything once, else how would she know what she likes or doesn’t like (need not mention the disaster with the tapioca pudding). Her willingness to venture out makes her a great guinea pig and often sets a good example to others (at least, that’s suppose to be the point.) In the classroom, she’ll volunteer to go first when it comes to reading reports out loud, or answering a math question (even if it’s completely wrong, which most likely it will be, knowing her). She enjoys going first in her gymnastic events, both to set the bar for other contenders, as well as hurry up and get the parts she doesn’t like out of the way. When in combat, if there is ever a need for someone to strike first or even act as bait or decoy, then SailorTsui is the one to call upon. No one is sure what compels her to act first, whether it’s out of sheer bravery, ending the fight quickly or even to show off, but Gwendolyn doesn’t mess around. FlawsSelf-centered – Gwendolyn likes to be the center of attention, so much that many feel as if she’s a drama queen. And they’re absolutely right. She often doesn’t think about the grand scheme of things and will try to take the spot light, regardless if it’s a task she can handle (or, most likely, can’t handle). This gets her in trouble as far as gymnastic goes, as she’s often lectured for not getting along with the rest of the team, despite her arguments saying otherwise. In combat, this especially comes into play, as it is her driving force for a lot of her actions. The fuel for her energetic nature and audaciousness is often fueled by the need to be the center of attention, often putting herself and others in danger just to fulfill that need. Perhaps her family relations and upbringing had something to do with this behavior, though Gwendolyn isn’t like to acknowledge any of it. Brash -- Look before you leap is something Gwendolyn missed- maybe she whipped out her Tamagotchi during this lesson in grade school? Her energetic nature and sense of righteousness often cloud her judgment and she will leap out at the first chance she sees, often without thought or care for the consequences. She’s quick to judge both people and a situation, and while her valiant charge may be impressive to watch, she’ll end up looking like a self-righteous fool when her efforts backfire against her. She’s also likely to overlook traps, as her mentality is that if she’s quick enough, she can rush past them quick enough then she can avoid their effects (a flawed mentality). Obnoxious – Gwendolyn is energetic, so much so that if she’s not going to spread her disease, she’ll likely drag you down with it. She doesn’t have a good idea of self control when it comes to pumping out the energy levels, and this often works as a great repulsion shield to the normal or more extrovert people. This especially hurts her when making friends, both at school and among her fellow Senshi, as putting up with her energetic nature, her constant cries for attention, and her blind charges into battle can be both annoying and hazardous to their health. Gwendolyn has no idea why no one seems to put up with her for long, so her attempts to gain their attention only increases and the cycle starts over again. PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION Eyes: She has large, Amber colored eyes, which appear more yellow in tint than brown. Visual Reference for eye color and shapeHair: She has short, messy hair with two long strands that cover her eyes and rest of her chest. She has naturally black hair, but she has dyed white streaks in its, mostly with the bangs and the strands at her ears. -- Possible new hair styleFace: She has a round face with chubby cheeks, and while her nose is small, the tip of the nose actually pivots upward. On her left cheek, she has three feline-like marks, but it’s uncertain if they are tattooes, or misuse of eyeliner. Nose reference Facial Reference
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Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2011 5:29 pm
And now, the Senshi. She's named after the star Tsui, the Turtle Beak of the White Tiger constellations (hence why she's the Senshi of the Tiger, since Fall is accounted for). If there's anything I need to work on, especially the attacks, let me know. Senshi: Sailor Tsui, Senshi of the Tiger Challenge: “You won’t see this tiger until it strikes!” Fuku Colour: Main Color: Silver Secondary Color: Black Fuku: Collar – Silver rings, actually part of the Bow, hence the color and material. Bow – Silver wired bow. Visual example Bodice – Rhythmic gymnast leotard. Visual example Sleeves – No sleeves, but shoulders, chest and forearms not covered by leotard are a see-through black. White in color. Visual exampleBrooch – Round, gold (gemstone) in color. Bottoms – Fuku-esque dress with open front, dual colored. Silver is the main color with black trimming on the sides and on the bottom of the dress. Very limp and almost form fitting, to fight along with the gymnast motif. Visual Reference 1 Visual Reference 2Tiara – Two evenly spaced rings with a single, oversized jewel in center. Tiara is silver, the jewel is orange, like brooch. Visual ExampleChoker – Rings, same as Accessories. Silver in color. Visual example Shoes – White ankle boots with black front and heels, and from the ankle to the calf, silver rings that match the ones on her wrists and neck. Boots Rings around anklesGloves – The Rhythmic gymnast leotard extends to cover her hands entirely, the color of the gloves are see-through black. Wrists are covered by silver rings. Accessories – Silver rings on wrists, ankles, and neck (choker). She also keeps her hair up with silver hair ornament seen here. Part at waist is also silver, to match the bow on the back, and meets at the front as a V shape. Visual Example Attacks: Sailor Scout Attack: Tiger Fist Strike. Sailor Tsui focuses her energy onto her fists and envelopes them into the form of white energy that look like a pair of tiger claws, charging forward and striking at her enemy in close range in an X-like slash, moving her arms outward to inward to cross at the end of the blow. If the blow hits, it is not powerful but quick and is meant to knock the enemy back, not knocking them to the ground but throwing them into the path for another Senshi to attack if there is one nearby. Because it requires her to be within arm’s reach of her enemy (and she doesn’t have very long arms), this leaves an opening for the opponent or another to strike her. *Can strike two times in a battle. *Knocks back the enemy by 4 feet (no stun effect) Super Sailor Scout Attack: Striking Tiger Flurry. SailorTsui’s Tiger Fist Strike’s power is enhanced significantly, as not only is her blow knocks the enemy back, but it also stuns them if she is able to make it connect, leaving them open for attack. This attack still requires her to be in close range combat, much like the first attack, but she puts more ‘umph’ behind her blows to physically stun the enemy, in hopes of preventing an immediate retaliation. Her time spent honing her powers has allowed her to aim at particular body parts, giving her the time to aim for an arm or leg to strike to immobilize that part of their body for 5 seconds, though at the cost of her having a more likely chance to miss. If she connects, she can knock the enemy back with a chance to stun. *Knocks enemies back 4 feet *Chance to physically stun enemy for 5 seconds *Can attack twice turns per battle Eternal Sailor Attack: Glorious White Tiger. The energy that SailorTsui’s been collecting not only envelops her fists, but has migrated to her legs as well, and her charge is even more ferocious than ever. She starts her assault with a powerful lunge forward, adding momentum to her strike, followed by her signature Tiger Fist motion, striking downward in an X motion and knocking the enemy back even further if she is able to connect, and she uses the last bit of her energy to leap backwards to add further distance between them. Like her Super attack, she is able to aim at specific limbs and can physically stun the limb, preventing the opponent from using that limb for ten seconds. She puts absolutely everything into the attack, hoping to incapacitate or greatly weaken the enemy as she will be completely drained of power and left vulnerable for ten seconds after the blow. *Knocks enemy back by 4 feet *Chance to physically stun enemy for 10 seconds *Can attack twice per battle
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Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2011 7:50 pm
ANIMAL SENSHI YAY O / (i lead a team of animal senshi so im really excited > A>;;; ) FIRST OF ALL~ crystal academy is NOT led by the religious. (and not all nuns are mean! D: ) basically its a typical private school- rich girls, nice facilities, and state-of-the-art equipment. However, you don't have to be a rich girl to go there. You can also attend on scholarship, like a sports scholarship, or even art scholarship! (perhaps she attends on gymnastics scholarship? who knows!) st. mag's is actually more likely where you're going to be scolded by nuns XD It is a religiously led school, for the not-so-nice girls. This is basically where the "bad girls" go. The ones with records, or simply bad attitudes. To me, I read Gwendolyn as a Mag girl, if that helps. :> I would highly suggest writing more than a few sentences for your virtues/flaws, though that's totally not required. if you do though, it really helps fill out a picture of who she is as a person. For your virtues, at the moment she's coming off as a loud and proud sort of girl, but that's about it. What are things that really make her tick? What's something that would make me say "wow, I really want to be that girl's friend!" Basically, what are things that are uniquiely Gwendolyn. I think you have a great start, as I can really picture the character, but I think you could go more indepth with it as well. Just in the looks department (this isnt super nitpicky) but she can't actually have /cat ears/ as those are sort of reserved for the guardian cat characters. If you mean something like this then you're totally fine! Just making sure xD Senshi: Is there a reason you named her "TsuiTsui" instead of just "Tsui" like the star? For most powered characters, they need to be named strictly what the star is called. My personal senshi, Sailor Draconis, is only named so because the genitive of the Draco constellation is Draconis, and I got specific permission to do so. If I just missed something on the constellation page, let me know! I just didn't see it anywhere, and am asking for explanation xD For her attacks, you can't have real claws appear. It would have to be some sort of spirit-y not-so-real claws for her normal/super attack to work. Basically, think of Sailor Moon's tiara attack. She doesn't throw the actual tiara, but an energy disk created from the tiara. You could easily still make your attacks work, just so long as there aren't real claws. Maybe she just slashes with her hands and it feels like claws? I dunno, play with it! I think you should also specify if it knocks the enemy over, or stuns them. Do you mean it stuns lower enemies, and knocks back higher? A combination? Also, for her super attack, I think you might want mod confirmation on the actually-tearing-flesh thing. I'm not sure if that's allowed! It easily could be, I just don't personally know. Her eternal attack is a little Iffy to me. The fact that she has to have "two powerful downward kicks, one from each leg ... and it's followed by her" etc etc could very easily lead to godmodding in a fight. I learned recently (even people with characters make mistakes XD) that you can't actually say that you're hitting an enemy, as you can't predict what the enemy is going to do. IE: you can't say "Sally hit johnny in the shin" because it's not fair to not give johnny a chance to dodge/recoil (sorry, I'm not super great at explaning things). Perhaps instead, you could play with how the tiger's stripes supposed confuses animals as it hunts? Or maybe you could do some sort of "pounce" motif (as Tigers are known for their pouncing!) Also, killing is a definite no-no for eternal attacks. Even though, yes, most senshi try to eliminate their foes, you should NEVER assume you can kill a character with the attack, especially without a character's consent. Also also, you might not want to say she can't defend herself for two minutes. In ITNOTM, battles take place ICly in about 3-5 minutes. It will severely limit your abilities in big group rps if she's down for a whole two minutes! You could say she's exceedingly winded, or super drained. Perhaps anything that hits her feels like its causing twice as much pain? IM SORRY, I TEND TO RAMBLE WHEN CRITTING OTL I hope I didn't intimidate you or anything, and I sincerely welcome you to the shop! <3333
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Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2011 11:38 pm
You're not rambling at all. I think. XD I tend to ramble too, though with my description you wouldn't tell... I didn't want to risk coming off as too wordy with the description, so I'll go back and tweak it. A lot. I can find something to say, I'm sure.
As for other bits of the crit:
1.) Overlooked that bit about the cat-ears, so I'll tweak it some. I'm sure there's something I can find that is both cat-like but not into the Guardian cat style.
2.) I named her TsuiTsui because I felt Tsui was too short. The star itself is Tsui, and it was rather hard looking for a single star or celestial body that wasn't the constellation or set of constellation itself. She's roughly based off of the White Tiger: Guardian of the West, Metal, Fall and Righteousness, a lot of powers that have already been accounted for (except Metal, as I don't think Metalwork and Magnetism could strictly for metal, from what I've read in their respective bios). Righteousness was probably taken, and I wasn't sure how to go about making a Senshi of the West, so, Tiger it was. If using that particular star is a problem, then maybe I can use another within that realm, to go along with the Tiger theme? (Trying to avoid Lion, as there's a Zodiac named Leo I believe.)
3.) The attacks I was really iffy about, so any criticism there is welcomed. And I think what you mentioned about the 'she strikes with her fists but they feel like she's striking with claws' would be more suitable to the description (as I put in superimposed, but if that's confusing, I can definitely change it.) As for her Eternal Attack, I can drop the kicks entirely if you think it's too powerful.
As for the knock back vs stun: I didn't think about that. How's this? In her first attack, she to knock back enemies (without stunning, which they would be still able to retaliate but maybe throw them in the path of another Senshi's attack), and perhaps her secondary attack can outright Stun them (therefor leaving them open to another Senshi's attack). How does that sound?
I have a terrible concept of time, so I put down two minutes on the fly. I can change that to 30 seconds, if that seems more likely to fly well in a fight? I wanted there to be some kind of drawback to the Eternal attack so that I wouldn't be overpowering her.
I'll work on tweaking my Senshi later tonight. Thank you so much for the critique- now I have a good idea what to look for when reworking it.
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Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2011 6:46 pm
I'm just gonna address it in numbers like you did. Why? IM LAZY 8D 1) yup! I think that sounds like a good plan. Just a suggestion, mabye something like this? xxx Or maybe this? xxx Those feel kind of tiger-y to me! Although you should also know, you don't necessarily have to base appearances on the senshi sphere. Like the whiskers and the cat hairstyle is what I'm referring to. You'll notice Sailor Moon doesn't have anthing particularly "moon"-y about her, and sailor jupiter certain doesnt reflect the gas giant either! I understand wanting to follow a theme though, so I'm just throwin' it out there! 2) Ah I seeee. You'll have to ask a mod if "TsuiTsui" is okay but ... to be honest I don't think they'll just accept it "because you wanted it." You usually need a specific reason to actually change the name. After all, you wouldn't call Sailor Moon, "Sailor MoonMoon" because that's not the name of the planet! I personally think "Sailor Tsui" is fine, it doesn't sound too short to me! Sailor Mars only has one syllable, and the same amount of letters, as does Sailor Moon! :3 3) Don't worry! I definitely sucked at attacks when I first started. XD I think for the whole claw thing, you can definitely have claws made out of energy! I didn't mean to be like "NO CLAWS 4 U~~~" I just meant they can't physically be there. She could certainly have ghosty-enery claws! Again referring to Sailor Mars, in her attack Mars Flame Sniper, we see that a real arrow isn't actually created, but its implied by the energy's shape :> For your eternal attack, it's not so much just "dropping the kicks" as it is the description of what she does altogether. It's definitely not good to describe a motion that you'll be doing TO THE TARGET because its not only god-modding, but its also hard to do because every battle is different. You'll notice that all of the canon senshi have attacks that don't require some sort of physical contact (supreme thunder dragon, flame sniper, etcetc). In fact, I honestly can't think of any senshi in the shop who require touching either xD (though I could honestly be completely wrong. XD) The best way I can think to explain this is this: MAGIC~ Each faction in the shop has their own unique strength- for the negaverse, they have physical weapons, knights get buffing items, and senshi get offense magic. Since we're given the neato gift of senshi magic, we should use it! I think that transition from knock back to stun sounds great! Overall, for attacks I would really just say to get a mod's opinion. They'll have the best input on whats overpowered, underpowered, out of place, etc.! Since I'm not a mod, what I say isn't like THIS IS LAW. I could be completely wrong on some of these aspects, but they're my own opinions n u n Good luck!
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Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2011 6:38 pm
I would just like to throw in that one syllable names are totally ok and awesome! And I'm not just saying that because I have A Sailor Grus...... *cough cough*
Maybe her fuku could include a cat ear headband? Or maybe she's so into gaming that she regularly wears a cat ear headband or something. I don't see why this couldn't be allowed, but I may be wrong. For hair styles, I personally think that short hairstyles are more "tiger like" Something messy definitely speaks to the wildness of a tiger. Maybe to make it more tiger like, she can dye streaks into it. My character has red streaks in her hair, and in a shop that has green hair and blue hair, streaks shouldn't be a problem.
You can keep the power migrating to her legs as well, but maybe this just gives her a boost? Tigers as a predator stalk and then leap on their prey. They don't really have the stamina for chase. So many the power in her legs gives her a boost of a more powerful jump or two? So she can jump farther once or twice, allowing her to attack her enemy quickly, or get away quickly?
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Posted: Sun Nov 06, 2011 2:31 pm
Blue Eyed Melloon You can keep the power migrating to her legs as well, but maybe this just gives her a boost? Tigers as a predator stalk and then leap on their prey. They don't really have the stamina for chase. So many the power in her legs gives her a boost of a more powerful jump or two? So she can jump farther once or twice, allowing her to attack her enemy quickly, or get away quickly? That sounds pretty good, actually, and definitely fits more along the lines of a tiger. It's funny, though, as they're suppose to be stealth hunters and here's SailorTsui, loud, boisterous and flashy. I've taken this into consideration... Speaking of, I've update the first two posts to reflect some changes I've made. I'm sure there's still more I need to do before even trying to push this through, so anymore crits would be useful. I ultimately decided on St. Mag, because it seems more of her kind of school, and there's so much fun to be had there. Once again, thank you both so much!
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Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2011 7:24 pm
Hi ChibiGingi!
Welcome to the shop!
I think you have a wonderfully thought out character with Gwen. Her traits and hobbies are well written and explained. Nothing seems to out-right clash, and really I have nothing to add to them.
I am curious to know why she attends St. Mag’s. St. Mag’s is the school for underprivileged, poor, misbehaved and girls with… ‘issues’ to put it nicely. Is there a reason she attends this school over the general public school Meadowview? Is her family poor, or otherwise have some kind of issue that requires Gwen be monitored? (It could that she has awful parents, unlucky circumstances, or even as simple as Gwen has misbehaved when she was younger in big ways (starving for attention maybe?) and needs to be in an environment where she can get a bit of extra attention.) It’s something that’s worth mentioning somewhere. It's slightly hinted at that she did have troubles in her righteous virtue, but not really anywhere else. If her previous problems stemmed from a personality issue it's worth mentioning it as a flaw. If her problem was purely a family thing then you can totally just leave it for your character journal later on.
With the Powered section!
All your attacks require a number of uses. How often can she use her attack in battle ? (Considering most at under 5 minutes, twice is pretty typical.) With the stunning effect, how long is that going to last, 5 seconds? 10?
And just to make sure, are all her attacks purely physical blows? So just bruising/ knocking enemies back and the stun feature of the super? Her claws aren’t actually slashing and cutting/ ripping people ? If it is more damaging, and draws blood, it’ll probably need to be reworked, but if not they are fine.
Is there a stunning effect in her eternal attack (like when cats catch things the prey usually goes limp/doesn’t move much)? You could have the attack feel as though the target has suffered a critical blow, and incapacitate a limb for a limited time.
I like that they are offensive, though it is the most obvious thing to do with tigers and kinda applicable to any predatory animal. It touches on the idea of tigers being symbolic of power/wrath/anger, which I like, so it works just fine! I think there’s other routes you could have taken (camoflauge like their stripes, or mythical related stories), but overall what you have written works!
As these are pretty minor things to address. Feel free to quote me and I'll look it over again.
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Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 12:40 pm
zippedsiren Hi ChibiGingi! Welcome to the shop! I think you have a wonderfully thought out character with Gwen. Her traits and hobbies are well written and explained. Nothing seems to out-right clash, and really I have nothing to add to them. I am curious to know why she attends St. Mag’s. St. Mag’s is the school for underprivileged, poor, misbehaved and girls with… ‘issues’ to put it nicely. Is there a reason she attends this school over the general public school Meadowview? Is her family poor, or otherwise have some kind of issue that requires Gwen be monitored? (It could that she has awful parents, unlucky circumstances, or even as simple as Gwen has misbehaved when she was younger in big ways (starving for attention maybe?) and needs to be in an environment where she can get a bit of extra attention.) It’s something that’s worth mentioning somewhere. It's slightly hinted at that she did have troubles in her righteous virtue, but not really anywhere else. If her previous problems stemmed from a personality issue it's worth mentioning it as a flaw. If her problem was purely a family thing then you can totally just leave it for your character journal later on. With the Powered section! All your attacks require a number of uses. How often can she use her attack in battle ? (Considering most at under 5 minutes, twice is pretty typical.) With the stunning effect, how long is that going to last, 5 seconds? 10? And just to make sure, are all her attacks purely physical blows? So just bruising/ knocking enemies back and the stun feature of the super? Her claws aren’t actually slashing and cutting/ ripping people ? If it is more damaging, and draws blood, it’ll probably need to be reworked, but if not they are fine. Is there a stunning effect in her eternal attack (like when cats catch things the prey usually goes limp/doesn’t move much)? You could have the attack feel as though the target has suffered a critical blow, and incapacitate a limb for a limited time. I like that they are offensive, though it is the most obvious thing to do with tigers and kinda applicable to any predatory animal. It touches on the idea of tigers being symbolic of power/wrath/anger, which I like, so it works just fine! I think there’s other routes you could have taken (camoflauge like their stripes, or mythical related stories), but overall what you have written works! As these are pretty minor things to address. Feel free to quote me and I'll look it over again.Thanks for the crit... I'm so glad you had the time to look over it! :3 1.) I chose St. Mag due to Gwen's background, which I realized I neglected to post because at the time I wasn't sure which school she would attend, and once I decided there, then I'd come up with a background. Gwen's parents are divorced, with her father moving out of state and her mom getting together with a new guy (named Micah, whom Gwen named her rat after as a jab at him); with the new baby on the way, Gwen's older sister, Madeline, offered to take her in, despite having little income. Gwen also has a problem with truancy and because of her brash nature she tends to get into a lot of fights. So, I felt that St. Mag would fit her better than the other schools, though she's likely to want to consider getting a scholarship to get out of there (she'll probably be completely miserable). Figured it'd be fun to work with, RP wise. 2.) As for the attacks: I completely forgot about that... I'm terrible when it comes to numbers and perception of time. In her first two attacks (Regular and Super), she can attack twice, and the stun effect lasts for 5 seconds on the Regular, and maybe move up to 10 seconds for the super? And yes, they're purely physical and bruising/knocking enemies back, no cutting into the flesh and all that. I think either someone here posted that or one of my IRL friends who also participates in this shop informed me of that. As for the Eternal Attack, I changed it so many times it's likely I forgot what I put down for it. (I think it was original a Fist of the North Star style barrage of punches and kicks, but thankfully someone talked me out of that.) She puts a lot of effort into that attack, and since the Super attack does a knock back and a possible stun, would it be fair for this to offer the same effect with a definite stun if it connects? Or would that be OP? I rather like the idea of hitting a body part directly, as aiming for the legs would at least cripple or prevent them from moving immediately afterwards so that another Senshi can follow up (or give SailorTsui the change to escape if need be, after her 10-20 seconds of vulnerability is done). 3.) I was considering other routes as well. Though, camouflage doesn't seem to fit her personality at all (Gwen wouldn't know what subtle or stealth is if she looked it up in the dictionary), and the other concepts were either too abstract to pinpoint to tigers (Righteousness, or Guardian of the West), or were taken (Senshi of Fall). My other alternative was Metal based attacks, as that's the element that the White Tiger represents, but I think I chose the feral tiger based attacks over the metal-based attacks because I didn't want to take up 2 possible slots for another RPer that might be looking for an element for their Senshi. That's sort of where the metal rings around her arms, legs, neck and collar/box come from- an vague reference to the White Tiger and the element it represents (it also represents Righteousness, the West and the season Fall). I figured metal rings would give her a more 'circus' tiger look, and the gymnastic hobby and leotard would match the strength and nimbleness a tiger possessed. Thanks again for the crits... they're very helpful!
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Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2011 10:33 am
All good for St. Mag’s then. Since her brash nature can lead to her getting to fights, you should probably note that under the trait. If it’s something she’s trying to work on, you could simply say that she’s trying not to let her nature lead to extreme outcomes (fights), but it still does get the best of her at times.
With the attacks:
If she can only attack twice, please add that into the power descriptions. I’m fan of just adding a * note or a bullet point for things like that. But the number of uses and durations for effects should be listed under each attack. Don't forget to add one for eternal attacks!
As you’ve written it, the stun effect is part of the upgrade in her power, so it shouldn’t be present in the regular attack. As for the length of time the stunning effect is, that would depend on how strong it was.
If a target were completely immobilized, 5 seconds would do. If the effects are more like pins-and needles or they might *feel* as though a limb has been critically hit (in both cases, restricting some movement, but not all) you can go for a higher number like 10 in super , and 20 in eternal. If you go for stunning a particular limb, I don’t think it would be OP at all to say that if hit their movement of that limb is restricted for X amount of time.
Or the stunning effect could be more mental rather than physical so that opponents can move but (depending on their level) might feel a sense of intimidation (like how prey might ‘freeze’ in front of a tiger/predator, but they can still move if they wish). I’d recommend going with the less restrictive route (physical or mental), as I think it’d make for more interesting battles, but that’s entirely up to you. But you should describe how effective and in what form the stun is.
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Posted: Wed Dec 14, 2011 12:05 pm
zippedsiren All good for St. Mag’s then. Since her brash nature can lead to her getting to fights, you should probably note that under the trait. If it’s something she’s trying to work on, you could simply say that she’s trying not to let her nature lead to extreme outcomes (fights), but it still does get the best of her at times. With the attacks: If she can only attack twice, please add that into the power descriptions. I’m fan of just adding a * note or a bullet point for things like that. But the number of uses and durations for effects should be listed under each attack. Don't forget to add one for eternal attacks! As you’ve written it, the stun effect is part of the upgrade in her power, so it shouldn’t be present in the regular attack. As for the length of time the stunning effect is, that would depend on how strong it was. If a target were completely immobilized, 5 seconds would do. If the effects are more like pins-and needles or they might *feel* as though a limb has been critically hit (in both cases, restricting some movement, but not all) you can go for a higher number like 10 in super , and 20 in eternal. If you go for stunning a particular limb, I don’t think it would be OP at all to say that if hit their movement of that limb is restricted for X amount of time. Or the stunning effect could be more mental rather than physical so that opponents can move but (depending on their level) might feel a sense of intimidation (like how prey might ‘freeze’ in front of a tiger/predator, but they can still move if they wish). I’d recommend going with the less restrictive route (physical or mental), as I think it’d make for more interesting battles, but that’s entirely up to you. But you should describe how effective and in what form the stun is. Alright, I updated to first two posts with the stunning effects and Gwen's dilemma with St. Mags. Let me know if I need to reword it...
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Posted: Sat Dec 17, 2011 8:17 pm
 Don't forget to add the in the notes about how often she can use her attacks under each one! I know you've already said it above that it's twice for regular and super, but it does need to be said in the attack descriptions too.
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Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 1:12 am
zippedsiren Don't forget to add the in the notes about how often she can use her attacks under each one! I know you've already said it above that it's twice for regular and super, but it does need to be said in the attack descriptions too. Added the amount of times per battle the attacks can be used. If 2 for my eternal attack is too much, I'll gladly drop it down to one.
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Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 8:15 am
Don't get too excited just yet! You'll still need to wait for a full stamp from a GM, just to confirm it's all good.
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Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 11:05 am
Is there still a knockback effect for her Eternal attack the same way there is in her previous attacks? I see that you mention her pushing back the target, but it's unclear on whether she legitimately knocks them down. If you could edit in clarifying this point, I can stamp this!
Just making sure this is what you want for her Eternal attack, since as far as those go this one is pretty mild power-wise. That makes having two uses for it completely reasonable, though.
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