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 Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2011 3:30 pm
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Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2011 3:31 pm
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Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2011 3:32 pm
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Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2011 3:37 am
[ I will replace this with crit in one minute but for now
Venice: o____________________o *falls in love with*
If its plague your going for we should make a team of all the gross senshi powers XD!! Just need decay and acid in on the dea|!!! <3
CRIT TIME:
Ok just saying i love the image of her, she is so pretty (I WANNA BE HER!!) but saying that I have read over her personality and do find she clashes with herself a little bit - but nothing major!!
What I find is that to be shy and meek is ok if you, yourself are not screaming for attention as he appearance is doing. She will never be able to walk down the street without someone staring at her, shouting (possibly insults) or even asking her the background on her tattoos. Its not the best place for a shy person to put themselves in, they are asking to be spoken too.
That said i love the softer side of her, the side people wont see on 1st impressions. They see a girl with tattoos and piercings and expect her to be some hardcore a** kicker, but underneath that she is a sweet person who loves animals and has been scarred by life. She is totally the face for the phase "dont judge a book by its cover."
I think maybe tone down the shyness/meek a notch. With her wanting to try life to the full, jumping of cliffs etc etc she cant be 'shy' about it, she has to grab the bull by the horns and go for it and her current personality doesn't translate it very well. I dont think she should be the crazy adrenaline junkie - ultra confident person, but maybe have the shyness become just 'quiet girl until known better'. Like she can be the person in the kitchen avoiding people until someone does speak to her and then she can errupt into conversation. She doesnt have to be the life and soul of the party but if someone asks her to dance she is more than willing to go for it! Maybe have her 'shy until prompted?' I MAKE NO SENSE
Either way I think she is one very cool cat, i think her whole experience of illness works well with how she treats life now and how open minded she is. It will also make for some amazing plotness in the future, like a friend getting ill, flashbacks. Do we have a senshi of disease?? They should never meet XD;;
Hope this helps somewhat!! ]
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Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2011 10:14 am
YEAHH GROSS SENSHI UNITE 4 EVR!! >DD i guess i'm trying to show that she's ... socially shy, not physically. she's fine with maybe i should rephrase that as socially awkard? and that she's really easily lead and pushed around. idk, i think it depends on what town you're in. i see tonnes of people covered in tattooed here in montreal, it's so common that don't even blink, while if she was in a more conservative city there would be more of a reaction. she nerves herself up for this with the kick-boxing, as it calms her down when she remembers that if she wanted to, she could plant her foot in their face. i gotta find a way to work this in ehhe < w >;; idk i used to be SUPER shy when i was young, and i shaved my head (as a girl that is a pretty big thing), pierced my face, and dressed uber-goth. it was my 'defence' against people who would normally take advantage and pick on my shyness, as they'd be scared off by my appearance. kind of like animals in the wild using colour and fluffing to fool predators?? ahah... so, i kind of used my experience to reflect on her there?? i'm trying to make it so that when she's pushing herself, when she's out doing something crazy, she can pull herself out of the shyness which is why she loves it so much. trying to find wording for that is hard DX
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Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2011 2:22 pm
changed shy a bit so that it better reflects and defines why she's shy, a fear of saying the wrong thing from her side, not actually being afraid of people.
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Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2011 10:35 am
got the first draft of the attacks down, come at me bro
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Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 7:53 pm
I feel like a plague fuku should me less... neon.
Maybe more like the dark ages garb?
I dunno, just my two cents.
xD
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Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 8:18 pm
it's supposed to be like .. phlegm and stuff, though yeah its still really wip and only a rough idea :>
i'm not really concerned with the outfit yet, that's the last thing i'll seriously work on X)
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Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 5:37 pm
Hello Amicable!
Since you requested us to look at civvie only, that's what I'll be doing. I can't help but say your senshi side looks neat-o though, and good luck to you on working on it.
Anyways!
Cadence is a super cool character!
Her hobbies and virtues are pretty solid and I only really have a few questions and issues with her flaws.
Her body modifications hobby and her shyness are slightly at odds with each other. It's not to say that it's impossible for someone who looks like they might be very outgoing and adventurous (i.e. tattooed and pierced like whoa) to also be shy. That is totally realistic and do able. I however feel like that's something you should consider addressing. With her shyness and avoiding social interaction is just a bit odd when Cadence has this appearance that says LOOK AT ME! HELLO! HI!. Perhaps mentioning a bit more in the body mod hobby about what is it that really attracts her to doing it.
Or within the shyness trait, mention how her appearance might help her deflect people socially? Is it like a protective shell? Does she use her looks as a defense in 'look tough, feel tough, so you better not talk to me' way? In general, I don't like being the person to stereotype and say because your x, you must be x. However, I think it would be good to know if the way Cad has altered her body has anything to do with how she wants others to view her? I understand that she doesn't want to be known as that sick girl, but she could easily show off her health by dressing in sporty yoga pants and track suits. Why did she go with an extreme, alternative look?
I also think that shy might not be the most apt descriptive term. It can easily be confused with someone who is reclusive and doesn't want to be around people. Is that really the case for Cad? Or is it more that she's insecure with herself or just plain socially awkward? Another line or two describing how she might be withdrawn, or unsure of how to approach people in general would help define the flaw a bit more for me.
Those are just really minor tweaks. I do think that Hypochondriac and Addict need more work though!
Hypochondriac as it is is a very internalized flaw. It doesn't seem to be a flaw that can be really played up in an rp, because as it's written now it seems very much to only be something that goes on in Cad's mind. Rather than something she openly expresses. Can you please explain how this might effect her in a social situation? Does it only apply to her worry about serious illnesses or can it be applied to a broader definition like neurotic? Does she worry about other peoples health? Is she germophobic? What is it about this trait that can be SEEN and HEARD by others? Is she often expressing to other people that her headache must be coming from a brain tumor, she's going to die soon, a rash on her leg isn't posion ivy it has to be Ebola.
I also feel that addict really isn't a flaw at all. What you have is more a negative word, with a very neutral description. You've hinted that she might extend too far, but nothing else about the trait is really negative. It's all about how she's living her life and gaining experiences. That doesn't seem very bad too me. Perhaps instead of being an addict, her flaw could be that she pushes herself too far. She's so focused on showing others that she's okay, that maybe she goes beyond her own limitations and that has negative consequences (pushing herself to the point of exhaustion. getting into more than she can handle. refusing help from others because she 'do it herself').
Other than that, Cadence reads wells and seems very well put together! I hope to her entered in for customs and contests in the future!
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Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 9:52 pm
a year and a day have passed, but i've gotten around to working from this feedback I redid her look so it's far less extreme. still has some parts that will cause old people to stare, but not nearly as much. i've also tried to reword and clarify shy, as it's less of being self conscious physically, and more of worrying if you say the wrong thing? i've tried renaming shy as reticent, and made it more about her lack of talking than her fear of social situations. she dresses weird and pierces herself due to not wanting to be the sick girl yeah, but it also ties in with her addiction, pushing her appearance outside the social norm, and having people turn as she walks down the street adds to that thrill and kick that she needs to get by. put hypochondriac down in the extras and moved spoiled up, adding how it affects her when she interacts with other people. also i tried to emphasize how addict is actually messing with and hurting her life rather than strengthening her and giving her experience. either way i'll resubmit her to be critted, thanks for the feedback! biggrin
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Posted: Mon Aug 20, 2012 3:19 pm
hey! just curious, i saw your new senshi of pestilence, and i'm wondering if that means i can't quest for my girl's sphere anymore? just curious, as they are very similar (doubly so with the attacks) and i don't want to step on toes :>
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Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2012 3:25 am
Unfortunately, plague is too similar to pestilence since they are synonyms. Apologies! I realized there were two quests for it after I had already switched my sphere from Bones (taken) to Pestilence.
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Posted: Tue Aug 21, 2012 8:08 am
Totally go for disease sphere ninja I bet thats too close as well *fails a thousand times*
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