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Library: Untitled poem - critique please

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Feigning Innocence

Blessed Lover

PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2011 11:12 am


Strong.
Live strong. Act strong. Be strong.
Strong. Strong. Strong.
Try. Try. Try again.
Always smile, always laugh.
Never fear, never cry.
Never weak.
A million bands of strength
Façade, necessary, unending.
Cannot let it break.
One in a million
One in a million problems.
Not alone, never;
Always lonely.
Cannot cry. Cannot fear.
Cannot let it break.
Must hold everything straight
And tall;
Head, neck, back.
Cannot let it break.
Never weak.
Live strong. Act strong. Be strong.
A choice, a right, a dream.
Hard, impossibly.
Tears unwelcome,
Shameful.
Cannot let it break.
One thing after the other
Problem after problem after problem,
Fear.
A crack in the dam.
A drop down the wall.
Never fear, never cry.
Never weak.
Cannot let it break.
A dream,
Pieces of glass
Shattered,
One in a million.
A crack in the dam.
A drop down the wall.
Must not, cannot
Let it break.
Fear, bold and dark
Tears, wet and cold
Another crack
Another dream
Glass on the ground
Must not, cannot
Let it break.
Tired, façade strong
Will weak.
So tired.
A road in the dark
Long and winding
Take strength to walk
Alone.
A choice, a dream,
One in a million
Failure,
Strong as the wind
Cold as glass.
Cannot fail.
Cannot let it break
Must not
Let it break.
Strong.
Live strong. Act strong. Be strong
Always smile, always laugh.
Tears like glass
Fear like death
Path, alone, tired.
So tired.
Must not…
Cannot…
Let it break.
Please. Let it break.
Cannot smile, cannot laugh.
Cannot be strong. Cannot try again.
Fear like glass in a million pieces,
Shattered on the ground.
A dream lost.
PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2011 8:42 am


I think it's very effective. It's got good imagery, repetition, and character development. I really like it. I wouldn't change anything about it (but my strength is prose; been years since I've been involved with poetry).

Actually, I think this poem will help me kill writer's block on a certain character, since it fits him mostly. Thanks for that!

Ysavvryl

Peaceful Lunatic


Feigning Innocence

Blessed Lover

PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2011 9:52 am


Haha, no problem I guess. Just do me a favor and don't use the actual poem in your writing.
PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2011 3:02 pm


I won't, of course. It just gave me extra insight into what he might be thinking. And it wouldn't work to use the poem, because he rarely smiles.

Ysavvryl

Peaceful Lunatic

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