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 Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 4:03 pm
Just leave me be
In my misery
Just let me go
I've reached my low
No saving me now
I've taken my last bow
The show's over and done
And as I reach for that gun
I think it over one more time
I've taken my last climb
So now let me fall
Don't try to help me at all
Inside I'm already dead
So let me take the barrel to my head
I'm done hiding my pain
And I'll be gone by the next falling rain
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Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 4:29 pm
Dunno if it was intended, but it sounds like song lyrics in places. I think I get that impression due to the rhythm and rhyme of the poem. Not to sound harsh, but content wise its been done. And you have a cliche or two. But that doesn't make it bad, just common.
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Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 4:56 pm
I had noticed when I read it that when the rhyming ended in the couplet that it just seemed to stop. sweatdrop And if you read more of what I post, you will find that I, sadly, write a lot in cliches. I am hoping to stop that, and become a bit more unique, but I suppose it would help if I started writing again. Thanks for the comment, I hope to take every critique into consideration if I start writing again!
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Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 6:56 pm
I like it
But I think that it could use some work.
The numbers of sylablles per line is off. You start with short lines and they steadily get longer. I do that too sometimes, but I think it helps the flow of a poem like this if all the lines are about the same length. But if you think it works the way it is, don't change it - it is your poem after all.
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Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 7:47 pm
Since I am awful at going back and changing poems that I have already written, I will try to take that into consideration for any future poems!
Thankies for the comment!
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Posted: Sun Mar 05, 2006 2:14 pm
I find that cliche's used by powerful writers can be a good tool.
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Posted: Sun Mar 05, 2006 7:25 pm
Well then I guess I'll have to become a more powerful writer, and it will all be okay! 3nodding
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