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Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2011 6:38 pm
Intro How to start a war
The world of Tyr was a world that was born out of chaos, and all through its life it had held to it. Ages rose and fell, kingdoms were created an destroyed, the people were constantly at war. Though within the chaos lingered times of peace, havens where life was quiet and undisturbed, where the natural order of things took on a slower pace than the rest of the world. Those areas aren’t what made legends though, heroes weren’t made from plowing fields, their deeds were that of the work of bloodshed, on Tyr the warrior's names were the ones that echoed across the years. What better place to find such names then on the battlefield. Though an era of peace had fallen over Tyr, science and magic wove about each other in complex patterns, races walked the surface of the world that had never been seen before, and the gods themselves had set up kingdoms of their own. Yet still tensions ran high, dwarfs, gnomes, elves, trolls were all outcasts from the human realms. Humans almost all lived within the godlands, under the rule of the gods, the gods wished for nothing more than complete control, and extinction of the races besides man. The small desert kingdom of free men was a haven for all. Though mostly made of humans, all races could be found among the market streets of the vast capital city. For now though all lived in peace, all had found a niche where they could live their lives, but Tyr could not stand this for long, a great time of trials was to come, and its coming would be terrible and swift. ***
Garishim lounged in his chambers, waiting for the perfect time to make his grand entry. He looked as a normal man, normal in the sense that he looked mortal, Garishim was in fact one of the ruling gods, the self appointed ruler of these lands. Tonight was a party in his honor, for the prosperity he had brought to these lands. His weakness for attention knew no bounds however, so he wished when he entered that all eyes would only see him. He dressed in rich silks, and vibrant colors, Wearing enough not to offend those of a more refined taste, but little enough that it didn’t take much to see the lines of his well toned body, tonight was going to be a long one. Behind the great doors to his room he could hear the party going, from the sounds everyone was enjoying themselves, and just starting to finally ask where their host was, he was not known for being late. Slowly he walked to the door, preparing to make his grand entrance. "Hello Garishim" Said a harsh voice from somewhere in the room, it was a quiet sound, a horse raspy whisper, but loud enough to carry, cold enough to chill the very air. Garishim turned around slowly, fire dancing in his eyes, he was angry someone was in his chambers, a very sacred place, a place where no one should be able to enter without his permission or at least knowledge. The room quickly reacted to its master, and a sudden angry red light engulfed the whole room, leaving every corner lit, and destroying any shadows. Standing in the center of the room was a man dressed all in black or dark grays, a tattered black cloak hung loose from his shoulders and seemed to drip darkness. In fact the area around the man seemed darker, and his shadow still hung on the floor beneath him. He didn’t wear shoes, but instead had black wraps over his feet and up his leg into his pant legs, and his hands held the same wraps, from his fingers to his elbow, his shirt was tight fitting and sleeved just to the shoulders as to overlap the wraps. His vest and pants were varied colors between black and a dark gray, making it hard to distinguish he outline even standing in the light room, making it so all the pockets, pouches, and weapons over his body almost impossible to see, and his face was covered, a black mask just up to his nose, leaving his eyes open, and another piece of black fabric hiding the man's hair. The only part of the man that remained visible was his eyes, and fingers, and from that little bit it was easy to tell his skin was white a parchment, this was a man who lived his life in the shadows. Though the man stood in the presence of a god he seemed unafraid, a strange thing indeed, especially considering the fact he wore no armor. Garishim let out a low chuckle, as he thought of the many ways he was going to punish this little man, how he would torture him till he begged for death, how he would make him pay for irritating him. "A foolish thing coming in here little man." The figure said nothing, nor made any moves, just stood as a statue, eyes intent on the god before him. Garishim slowly started to advance, an evil grin coming to his lips. About ten feet away Garishim turned into a blur of motion, moving with godly speed as he closed the distance and reached out to grab the figure by the throat. Instead though he found nothing but shadows waiting for him, the man seeming to have just vanished which was impossible from these chambers, just like getting in should have been. "Yes, run maggot, I will find you." Garishim turned back to the door, the only way out of the room, then a slight noise, a soft sound, like dust settling down. Garishim spun, swinging his arm back with enough force to remove a man's head from its shoulders, but only empty air waited for him, then a blossoming pain in his stomach. Looking down the shadowed figure was crouching, having ducked his swing, and had stuck a knife in him, Garishim only laughed though, no weapon made by man could truly harm him. "What are you thinking, a foolish attempt, i am a god." "I know." Was all the shadow said as he deftly cut a rune into the god's stomach, and quickly danced back from his reach before he could react. "That is a present from the fallen, and your brother." The man then truly did vanish, the shadows seemed to hungrily leap to consume him, and then the room fell into darkness. Garishim stumbled back, feeling the wound burn with intense heat. He had no brothers, at least none he considered a brother, and none with the means to cause him harm, it was why the gods ruled together so well, none had the upper hand on any others, but this wound seemed dire. As for the fallen he could only guess that meant the free humans, or maybe the lesser races, someone had found something hidden, something the gods of old must have hid. Garishim hit the door to his chamber, breaking them open. The party quieted as the door to Garishim's room burst open, the god stumbled backwards, hitting the railing and toppling over, landing on his back on the marble floor bellow. The party went quiet, guards rushed to the god sprawled out on the floor. Garishim could feel the wound burning worse and worse, his vision was going dark, something was wrong for he wasn't recovering as he should from such a wound As a guard crouched over he tried to speak, though he found his tongue heavy, managing to only get two words. "The free" Then his world was dark, his body burst into flames, all around jumping back to avoid being burnt. As the flames died a rune was left burnt deep into the floor.
(((Any comments, advice, flaws that need pointed out, anything to help me, please PM or REPLY here. I have tuff skin, be honest, only way i can get better)))
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Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 11:46 am
(Sorry it took me so long to read this. I'm a bit of a ditz when it comes to remembering to do things)
Awesome! Ninjas, gods, magic, war.. all fantastic elements to have in a story. It seems really interesting, the kind of story I could really get into. The concept is memorable, yet fresh, and your dialog between ninja (as I shall refer to him until you give him a name) and Garishim was intense without being cliche,. Overall, I really liked it, so good job. ^_^
A few notes. You need to do some editing on some of your sentences. You like to do what a lot of people do and that is over use commas to make a sentence really detailed, but way to long. Commas should be used for appropriate pauses, but you can't just throw them in to replace periods. My biggest advice (and this is to everyone), is just to read through it, preferably aloud, and see where the prose gets a little awkward. Also, sometimes you repeated certain words a lot. Repetition can be a good vehicle to force a point, but most of the time it just seems tedious. Online thesauruses are a great tool for finding other words to use that mean the same. It'll make the prose flow nicely and add an extra level of creativity and depth to your story.
Hope this helps and I can't wait to read more.
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-l- Psychotic Saint -l- Captain
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Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 4:47 pm
Thank you ^_^
I have been wanting to put more up... but life is very annoying right now, and... well this is all fresh :p a story line that been going on in my head for a while but just now getting written.
That and im not sure how much to put online... i want to write books someday you see... and this is apart of the story, not sure if i want to write out a book online that i hope to publish someday as well lol...
who knows, need more though. my mind is demanding me to write more lol.
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Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 6:22 pm
I understand about the posting online thing. A lot of publishers don't like it when you've posted stuff online. Has to do with claiming first rights or something. I don't know. I'd have to look it up. Plus there's always the risk of someone stealing. Still, I'm glad that you posted what you did and if you ever want an opinion on something you don't want to post, just shoot me a copy via pm. ^_^
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-l- Psychotic Saint -l- Captain
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Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 9:49 pm
-l- Psychotic Saint -l- I understand about the posting online thing. A lot of publishers don't like it when you've posted stuff online. Has to do with claiming first rights or something. I don't know. I'd have to look it up. Plus there's always the risk of someone stealing. Still, I'm glad that you posted what you did and if you ever want an opinion on something you don't want to post, just shoot me a copy via pm. ^_^
thanks, sounds good, will probably get something in the future ^_^ lol.
may put a smaller story i dont ever plan on publishing get up here. defintly want to share more, i need to get better... :p after all i barely passed highschool english... haha, self taught really... sigh
thanks again for help, and any help in the future, sure there will be lots
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Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:04 pm
Shadowmaster Vilkas -l- Psychotic Saint -l- I understand about the posting online thing. A lot of publishers don't like it when you've posted stuff online. Has to do with claiming first rights or something. I don't know. I'd have to look it up. Plus there's always the risk of someone stealing. Still, I'm glad that you posted what you did and if you ever want an opinion on something you don't want to post, just shoot me a copy via pm. ^_^ thanks, sounds good, will probably get something in the future ^_^ lol. may put a smaller story i dont ever plan on publishing get up here. defintly want to share more, i need to get better... :p after all i barely passed highschool english... haha, self taught really... sigh thanks again for help, and any help in the future, sure there will be lots Wow. You write pretty well for someone who barely passed english. If you ever want someone to proof-read for you, I'll do that too. Even with passing English, I still have to double check my work all the time... And please do post more. I'd love to see what other creative things you've come up with. ^_^
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-l- Psychotic Saint -l- Captain
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-l- Psychotic Saint -l- Captain
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Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:08 pm
Shadowmaster Vilkas ((Ok, now this is a story i am comfortable putting on the interwebs, weekly instalments i hope, till its done.)) Since this is a new story, would you mind posting it in a new thread? Just to keep things neat and so no one confuses it for like a second chapter to the previous story..
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Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:08 pm
-l- Psychotic Saint -l- Shadowmaster Vilkas -l- Psychotic Saint -l- I understand about the posting online thing. A lot of publishers don't like it when you've posted stuff online. Has to do with claiming first rights or something. I don't know. I'd have to look it up. Plus there's always the risk of someone stealing. Still, I'm glad that you posted what you did and if you ever want an opinion on something you don't want to post, just shoot me a copy via pm. ^_^ thanks, sounds good, will probably get something in the future ^_^ lol. may put a smaller story i dont ever plan on publishing get up here. defintly want to share more, i need to get better... :p after all i barely passed highschool english... haha, self taught really... sigh thanks again for help, and any help in the future, sure there will be lots Wow. You write pretty well for someone who barely passed english. If you ever want someone to proof-read for you, I'll do that too. Even with passing English, I still have to double check my work all the time... And please do post more. I'd love to see what other creative things you've come up with. ^_^ I need more people around me that write or something. Be better for bouncing ideas as for my writing, it from alot of RP, and creating a world with my cousin for our RP... that worls is where all my stuff is set :p history is a pain to create, almsot as much as the world itself. Not sure how much freedom i have here, but figureing this be a short story/ long story thread for my stuff :p since it all falls into the same category.
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Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:16 pm
-l- Psychotic Saint -l- Shadowmaster Vilkas ((Ok, now this is a story i am comfortable putting on the interwebs, weekly instalments i hope, till its done.)) Since this is a new story, would you mind posting it in a new thread? Just to keep things neat and so no one confuses it for like a second chapter to the previous story.. ok changed it... need help with title... lol
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Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 10:18 pm
Shadowmaster Vilkas -l- Psychotic Saint -l- Shadowmaster Vilkas ((Ok, now this is a story i am comfortable putting on the interwebs, weekly instalments i hope, till its done.)) Since this is a new story, would you mind posting it in a new thread? Just to keep things neat and so no one confuses it for like a second chapter to the previous story.. ok changed it... need help with title... lol Titles suck. I'd just leave it untitled til the very end. Then you'll know what to call it
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-l- Psychotic Saint -l- Captain
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