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 Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2011 12:44 am
Flatsale Ralts
◎Character Name: Moirai
◎Type: Pokemon
◎Species: Ralts
◎Gender: Male
◎Height: 5'6
◎Age: 21
◎Nature: Lax
◎Ability: Trace
◎Skill Set: Imprison, Lucky Chant, Teleport, Heal Pulse
◎Song: Bullet Soul
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Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2011 1:16 am
❂Personality❂
◎Neutral-Positive: Empathic -
Moirai can read others to a certain degree. He seems to be able to pick up things about people quicker than others and doesn't need to know someone as well in order to do it. Of course if the person is naturally difficult to read than Moirai will have a harder time of it, and may even give up on trying if the person is to closed off. He pays specific attention to peoples tone and body language - how they move, what they say, how they sound, and how they respond to him.
◎Neutral: Free Spirit -
Moirai is a bit of a hippie and he goes wherever he wants when he wants, and only stays for short chunks of time. The truth behind Moirais seemingly aimless wandering is his pursuit for constant happiness and entertainment. Whenever Moirai randomly skips from one area to the next he is really following exciting events, gossip, news of new attractions in new citys. Because no party lasts forever Moirai is often on the move, and it's rather rare to find him in the same exact place twice.
◎Positive: Charming -
Moirai hides his eyes beneath his long bangs, and because of that he uses a lot of body language and soft speech to convey his emotions and intentions. His attractiveness is his weapon and the boy can woo like no other when he wants to. Of course there are always those who are immune to his charm; which is really no concern to Moirai and he'll keep trying whether it's effective or not. He does it with good reason; seeing others happy makes him happy and in turn makes it easier for him to be social and participate in whatever is going on at the time. The higher the mood the higher Moirai feels; the more effort he puts into being engaging.
◎Neutral: Selectively Social -
Moirai is drawn towards positive situations like a magnet to metal. He craves happy activities and the people who indulge in them. He wants to be surrounded, admired and enjoyed by people who are having a good time for however long that good time lasts. The moment its over though, Moirai is gone.
◎Negative: Pathological Liar -
When Moirai first started lying it was mostly to himself, little white lies that made him feel better about life. Of course it progressed; lying felt good and better yet it seemed to help him avoid immediate trouble, consequences of his actions, and the retribution of others. There were times when Moirai would get caught in his lies to others, and he paid the price when it did happen. There were more times though when his little lies would give him just enough leeway that he could make them 'true' before everything came down around him. Without even noticing it lying became a part of his life; to the point where began doing it without even noticing. Where he would do it just to make himself seem better to others; to get out of the most trivial things where telling the truth would have saved him some hassle.
◎Negative: Fickle -
Moirai has a short attention span when it comes to things and people that bore and bring him littler or no emotional satisfaction. He enjoys others company for as long as they can keep him entertained, and the mood is high. He may give you his attention one moment and loose it the next; ignoring whoever he's dealing with in favor of something else that catches his interest. Moirai is also horrible at making eye contact; something that socially rude and can be aggravating to people who are trying to connect with him. It makes it hard to tell when he actually is paying attention to one person or another.
❂Strengths & Weaknesses❂
◎Strength:
Future-mindedness - Moirai likes to keep focused on the future and disregard things of the past; especially unpleasant things. He's always seeking the next enjoyable event in his life, and more importantly making plans towards it to ensure that it does occur.
Self-Assurance, Self-Love -
Moirai quite literally loves himself, from his head to his toes, and he finds every aspect of himself pleasing and flawless no matter what. Whether he's looking messy and unkempt or recently groomed. Moirai is confident in his ability to impress others; no matter the situation. While he enjoys others approval he does not rely on it, and in the end feels that his own opinion is what's most important.
Physical - Moirai is a cowardly wimpy hippy who has NO physical strengths!
◎Weakness:
Flight over Fight -
When it comes to baser instincts Moirai is a 'flight' kind of person. He will almost always run away from a situation where he feels threatened or overwhelmed. If he's not running away from it physically then he's trying to talk his way out of it; to use all of his charm and innocent looks in order to get out of an uncomfortable or frightening place. He especially avoids the idea of physical violence. Moirai simply doesn't see how anything good could ever come out of hurting yourself or others in that way. Even when it comes to self defense Moirai would rather flee, or use other measures to protect himself. Also, while Moirai enjoys trying new things he prefers to avoid high risk activities. Riding a bike, yes! Bungee jumping..No. He also hates the way bruises and scars look, or at least how he imagines they would look on his own body. Which only gives him more incentive to be protective of his physical being.
Easily Fatigued - Moirai may have a certain strength of the mind, but his body is another matter entirely. As a psychic pokemon he has always been weak in the physical area, and even though his human transformation gave him certain benefits he was unable to gain something he already lacked. He cant run as fast or as long as the others, cant lift heavier than average things or compete in areas that require above average strength. Even when Moirai does try he finds himself quickly hitting his physical limits.
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Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2011 1:51 am
❂History❂
Moirai's young life was filled with sibling rivalry, happiness, and smiles. He had no reason to frown after all, because their breeders made sure the pets there were happy; surrounded them with happiness even! After all, a happy ralts was a beautiful ralts and a beautiful ralts was expensive to come by, but worth every penny to those trainers who wanted something that was harder to catch in the wild. All the love and attention in that place made Moirai vain and spoiled. He considered his genetic donors to have been perfect, and he was proud of his lineage; a long line of lovely Guardevoirs and Gallades whose pictures framed the breeding centers walls.
Not all was always happy in the little pen though. There was competition from his siblings, and despite the love and care provided from the owners of the breeding center; the need to obtain an owner and be worthy of a single persons constant affection was so great that it caused stress amongst the small Ralts. Moirai had been the 'runt' of the litter, and beautiful or not there was nothing to distinguish him from the others aside from his slightly smaller size. The others would often jostle him and shove him out of view whenever anyone came in to see them. They would all coo and croon and perform while Moirai was left in the background; robbed of the spotlight he felt he deserved. So Moirai learned early on that the best way to get others attention was not to fight with his siblings; a battle he would always loose, but instead to make use of his space in the background.
Moirai watched and learned what the humans seemed to like best in his siblings, and sought to emulate it. Practicing in his own little space while his siblings battled for attention. It was when they had exhausted themselves and were out of the way that Moirai would truly shine; having not wasted his energy on the clients who came in before. He would catch the later ones, the stragglers and the loners who came in after the crowds; often his siblings would be asleep and he would have center stage!
The day finally came when Moirai caught the notice of a young would be coordinator. The thirteen year old squealed over his new found, parent funded, acquisition, and Moirai reveled in finally having a trainer he could keep all to himself.
He was excited to have his chance in the spotlight and for once not be out-shined by his siblings. The delightful and eager feelings of his owner making him even more enthusiastic. The trainer though was inexperienced, and while he taught his Ralts moves he felt would earn points; he never taught him anything about strength or perseverance. Moirai, having been human raised his whole life, and surrounded by nothing but good feelings, was quite shocked to find himself thrust into any other situation. He was so deluded that he expected the people to worship him simply for the fact that he existed and was willing to grace them with his presence.
His first competition went horridly; surrounded by a stadium filled with thousands of people feeling different things all at the same time overwhelmed him and he could do nothing more than cower before them. Over time he became used to the crowds, all of the faces and activity and noise that was so different from what the breeding center had been; his owner lived in the city close to where the tournaments were held and so it gave him a chance to learn how to cope with all those strange new things. He could never seem to get over the hurdle when it came to dealing with negative people and pokemon though.
Sweet as his owner was, when Moirai was put on the spot he simply couldn't seem to perform well if the situation was highly stressful or negative... He was unable to focus solely on his trainer and was easily distracted by his opponents, or the boos of a crowd. His fellow competitors noticed this flaw easily, and whenever they got the chance, picked him apart. He lost again and again; for what he had in cuteness and charm he lacked in battle and focus. Moirai was not meant for the fighting world, and whether he came out on top in the first round or not he was always assured to lose when faced with another trainer and their pets.
Eventually Moirai's owner became less sweet; frustrated with his pricey pets lack of growth and fed up with how difficult Moirai was becoming to train, the boy eventually sent the little Ralts home to his parents. The pet had been too expensive to release into the wild or trade away, and the breeding center did not give refunds. Moira was left alone in the cold, mostly empty home for long periods of time. The parents were never home except to feed him occasionally, and the boy was off living his dream and finding pokemon better suited to deal with training than the pampered little Ralts had been.
Moirai became lethargic and despondent; eventually refusing to eat or drink or care for himself. He simply wanted to lay in his corner and wither away. He needed the presence of others, to feel loved, needed, and happy at all times; something he was quickly realizing he could not achieve trapped alone in the house. He hated that he could not be surrounded by others, and even when he had been he'd handled it so poorly that his owner had sent him away.
One night Moirai sleeping in his corner had a vivid dream; full of laughter, smiles, and the taste of strawberries. Everything was pink, warm, and full of the laughter of others. Despite the niceness of the dream Moirai still felt alone; wishing only that he could change his situation to suit his new desires. Moirai knew that if he were human he would be able to be happy! He could come and go as he pleased, and still enjoy all the wonderful human things he'd grown up knowing and loving. The beautiful things they were and homes they lived in, and even better he could be surrounded by as many people as he wanted!
Moirai's dream was interrupted by the feeling of another presence; the little Ralts turning in his dream to catch sight of a large Musharna. Moirai was fearful at first, but Musharnas whisperings were so tempting that Moirai couldn't help but to take up the dream creature on his offer. Moirai knew that if he wanted to be truly happy he could no longer exist as he was, and he needed to change no matter what may happen afterwords. With an agreeing nod from Moirai the dream ended in devouring flames. The fire burning away everything until he awoke in a fevered haste feeling raw and hot from the inside out.
Moirai gathered himself, whimpered at his new image, and then immediately raided the mother's closet and jewelry boxes. The shiny things were too lovely to leave behind, and there was not another thing in the house that would fit him; plus he refused to go around wearing his previous owner's or the father's ugly clothes. Everything was awkward at first as he stole away from the home looking more whipped skinny dog than pretty ralts. Moirai had always known how to use his image to his advantage, but was slow to learn about how the human world worked and the dishonest, unkind things they did to each other.
Moirai's first venture into the human world on his own went as badly as his battles had; all the things he'd taken from the home were quickly stolen off him, and what little he did sell he got a poor price for. Though the Ralts was drawn to the happiness of others he was now wary of venturing too near especially to those who seemed to have negative attitudes. People asked too many questions for one, and he had no answers for them. At least none he thought would make sense. Initially he feared how they would react towards him, and did not wish to be hated or made an outcast because he was unlike them. Moirai easily picked up lying, and found that the right kind of lies seemed to make people happy with him, and better yet kept them from bothering him about more personal things. He didn't have to tell them where he was from, or who his family was, or why he hid his eyes, not really. As long as he told them something that seemed true enough it all went well.
After that Moirai began to pick up other things; never staying too long in one place lest his lies catch up with him. Moirai also traveled for the fun of it; Moirai was naturally drawn to good emotions, and saw that if he followed the happiness of others he would at the very least find himself a place to have a good time. It was a gentle way for him to learn about humans, and his travels often led him to fairs, parties, beaches, and parades. Places full of people that were all enjoying themselves; people so busy enjoying themselves that they didn't think twice about him outside of the moment they were in.
Eventually Moirai gathered other aspects of human life, trade and barter and jobs. The places he was drawn to often needing the aid of temporary workers, or even people who were willing to stand out front and look pretty or hold signs. It was a simple enough life lead, and Moirai loved it!
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Posted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 2:01 am
RP CONTEST ENTRY HURR- For Reference Sake
The taste of strawberries and salt filled Moirai's dry mouth as he awoke to the heat day. The light stung and he was already feeling uncomfortably warm and sweaty; sand clinging to places it should not have been. It took him a few moments more to realize the predicament he was in; the interesting feel of a warm breeze across his bare skin, and even more troubling the presence of another body at his side. Moirai spared the skitty girl the barest of glances as he sought to focus his soggy thoughts. She was small, plush, adorable...and far too pink in the glaring light of day. Had she looked better the night before? More vibrant and alive, and much less like a half drowned rat. Maybe, but for the life of him he couldn't even begin to bring the details forth.
He would take one thing at a time, and start with figuring out where the hell he was. Who he was with was much less important to Moira; even if the girl probably remembered more about their current position than he did. Moira wasn't keen on getting caught up in anything that might get him into trouble with her; especially when they were in such a compromising situation. Moirai sat up and tried to get his bearings; sighing wistfully as the sight and sounds of the seascape washed over him. That same sigh becoming a painful hiss when his fingers tangled in his sea matted bangs, and shoving them messily behind his ears became his only option.
His disheveled appearance, nakedness, and misplaced memories quickly lost priority on his 's**t to do' list. The sound of sirens and shouts of angry beach goers bumping all the way up to number one as Moira easily caught the name 'Jenny' on the breeze. After all there was only one officer who patrolled this place; one officer and her hundred thousand twin sisters, but still... Whether Moirai remembered what had gone on last night or not, he very clearly remembered how the rest of his week on the beach had gone. The growing tension between his kind and the humans on the small strip of beach. Apparently they were too wild to handle, and human appearance or no they would be given zero leniency when it came to matters of the law.
It felt like seconds had passed and then Jenny was there; looking menacing on her sand hopping quad while also managing to look a little embarrassed when she caught sight of Moirai and his companion. Even if it only lasted an instant it was more than enough to make Moirai feel 'proud' of himself.
"Why officer! It's so good to see you on such a bight and sunny day!" Moirai didn't have any truth for her. No story to tell, no vivid recollection of the previous night. Which maybe was for the best..ignorance was bliss and all that..Still Moirai didn't need any. It took time to tell a 'true' story, but only a creative instant to concoct a convincing lie. Moirai gave his head a shake and let his bangs cover his eyes once more. Smiling impishly as the officer cleared her throat and approached with a renewed air of professionalism.
"Sir. I don't know how things go where your from, but here on this beach there are laws, and nudity falls under them."
Moirai managed to look sheepish as he reached for his swim shorts and swiftly tugged them on; covering a wince at the new salty itchy feeling. Wet shorts were by far the worst and he would have preferred to wear nothing at all. "My deepest apologies...I'm still new to, well, to everything it seems." It was not worth risking jail just for a little comfort though. "May I inquire as to your visit today?"
"May I inquire about this situation? Also I'll need your whereabouts as of last night..and the girls. She's not dead is she?" Jenny grimaced, and even Moirai had to look and check. He hadn't thought her dead, maybe a bit bedraggled from the sea, but no definitely not dead. The girl was certainly some sort of sleeping miracle; managing to stay out cold despite all the noise. Maybe Moirai wouldn't ditch her so quickly..not just yet at least..
"Yes you may, and I assure you she's fine. We simply had a bit too much fun if you know what I mean. Strawberry vodka and nearly drowning will do that to a person!"
"Nearly drowning..and alcohol?" Jenny seemed skeptical, her eyes glittering like some sort of living lie detector. "You don't smell drunk."
"Well I'm not sure that I can 'smell' drunk as you put it. Again quite new to this whole..'human thing'..It was sometime late last night though. Me and my little Bitsy there were up on the boardwalk enjoying ourselves..I dared her to swim, she double dared me.. I am a surprisingly poor swimmer, no upper body strength you know?" Moirai flailed his arms for effect and sighed dramatically. He was baiting her, being a bit over dramatic even, but he wasn't giving her anything she could disprove him of doing. "She though is shockingly good in the water for a cat..very shocking..strange even, but I digress. She dove in after me, shallow as the water actually was it's rather unlikely that I would have drowned at all. Still in my exuberance I sought to..erm..thank her properly."
Even Moirai couldn't stop the blush that spread across his face as he said it. "I suppose, the beach is not the best place. I obviously wasn't thinking straight at the time. I'm not..I mean, we're not going to be in any trouble are we?" Moirai clasped his hands in front of himself and wrung them slightly; chewing on his lip a little for effect as he glanced between the skitty girl and the officer.
"No, no trouble this time, but next time get a room, and stay away from the boardwalk. You both look far too young to be doing these sorts of things!" Officer Jenny growled, moving back to her machine at a clipped pace. "There is just one more thing though. Is there anyone else who could verify your whereabouts?" And now she seemed serious, a frown on her face that told Moirai she would be checking into things more deeply.
"No friends or family I'm afraid, but I've been on this beach all week, bumming about, buying from the merchants. I'm positive you can find someone who's seen me, maybe a bartender even?" This time there was no lie in it; still Moirai had the very distinct feeling that he'd be leaving the beach immediately after this little chat with the officer. At least until a few days had gone by and all the problems had died down some.
Officer Jenny hummed and gave Moirai a curt nod before revving off. Moirai taking one last look at the still sleeping skitty..Shaking his shaggy head as he gave the girl a none too gentle nudge in the side in hopes of her waking on her own, and took off. Yes, she was definitely too pink for his tastes, and definitely a liability that he'd not be caught with if he could help it. He had too much life to live to spend it locked away in one of Jenny's pens. Even if it was only for a 24 hour stint, he'd not be around to do it.
Please feel free to crit, I appreciate it, LOVE IT! And thank you to all those who do, it really does help!
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Posted: Sat Sep 10, 2011 11:16 am
Vit crit ho~
Crits will be in red, parts that I'm critting will be pasted into the crit above the red text.
Personality
◎Neutral: Natural Empath
There's a couple things in here that sit well with me. However the most important is that he is psychic pokemon, thus their psychic abilities are borderline second nature to them if they are an adult, which Ralts is since he's 23. He has had plenty of time to hone his instinctual skills, so I doubt he'd have any problems controlling this 'empathy' or blocking out other people's emotions. Also his empathy is a skill that all Ralts are born with for self-preservation so I doubt this would be something that causes him to feel what they are feeling. It's more of an alarm system than something that causes them to feel said emotion, kinda like some some animals can smell fear.
◎Positive: Charming -
The way this is written comes off more as neutral. On one hand he seems a little arrogant and on the other, sweet. He seems manipulative, and distant, then social. Perhaps focusing more on his Charisma and charm would tip it more into the positive.
◎Positive: Selectively Social -
This is also reading as a neutral trait. On the one hand he's social and on the other timid. Most people tend to shy away from negativity when it comes to socializing so I believe that you can simply focus on the fact that he does, indeed, enjoy being social where others are receptive? That would make this feel more positive.
◎Negative: Easily discards others
I want to mention that this is going to make it very hard to keep up consistent roleplay for him. Otherwise the trait is fine, I just want to make you aware of this.
Strengths
I can see having a strong mind being a quality but the way it's written seems as if he is an entirely different character from what is listed above. You may want to look into re-describing this.
Your character may think that being vain and egotistical are a strength, but they are in fact not strengths, they are weaknesses.
Weaknesses
While Moirai is willing to try new things, and go adventuring he will avoid if at all possible; putting himself directly in harms way.
This sentence makes no sense at all to me. You may want to rewrite it.
Also I don't believe that he's actually 'fragile.' It sounds more like he's a coward than anything. Very few people actually enjoy pain, after all, yet they still like taking risks.
The second weakness is almost like a continuation of the first, basically showing his cowardice. You may want to pick another weakness and get rid of the first.
❂History❂
You may want to mention some of his perfectionist qualities in his personality as it seems to cause his arrogance and vanity. Also, this character doesn't seem like someone who would move from place to place on a whim like you have stated above. He seems very self-centered and manipulative, only using others for his own joy and gain. I hope that helps perhaps focus the personality a bit more.
Also you imply a lot that his empathy holds him back a lot but, as I stated, the empathy would most likely cause a problem with every single Ralts in existence if it is the way you write it. Since it obviously does not, since it seems about as instinctual as breathing from the Bulbapedia description, I find a difficult time accepting this hardship. Also, if he were such a perfectionist, why would he not step up to the challenge? His cowardice and perfectionist attitude clash a lot.
His descent into becoming a lying, stealing, manipulative person is rather sudden. What caused this? Did he have bad experiences on his own? He seems to 180 from someone timid and lonely to someone jaded and manipulative. Perhaps using a test thread to write some drabbles would help you pinpoint which of these personas he really is.
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Posted: Sat Sep 10, 2011 5:08 pm
OH JEZZUZ SO MUCH RED! -withers awayyy- Lols I kid!
On the ◎Neutral: Natural Empath, crit here though I'm not sure how 'Adult' to make him.
See I see ralts as being an adult maybe in a human/physical sense, but he still has two more stages of evolution to go through - Kirala, and Guardevoir/Gallade. Even if it is a natural defense mechanism, etc, I just can't see how a Ralts could be as psychically honed as a Guardevoir, and since mine had very little/poor training, I think it'd be silly of me to make him very good in that aspect. Now what I could do to make this more believable is dial his age down. Maybe make him, 18-21? I cant/don't want to make him a child -under17- plus the nature of the shop doesn't allow for it. I will think on this one though.
Will work on making Charming and Social more positive! Yus! That's easy.
As for his negative traits...Man that's a tough one. I wanted it to seem like he felt his owner abandoned him, and because of that he also finds himself abandoning others out of habit when they no longer entertain him/no longer useful.....Mmm..-back to the drawing board-
I can completely re-work the strengths and weaknesses. -plans on keeping the cowardice-
On the History - I absolutely will rework some things on it. It does seem a bit scattered and I should add something more into it. Some other sort of experience that would give him 'reasons' instead of it just all suddenly happening.. As far as the Bulbapedia description goes..Which description of Ralts exactly?
The Bulbapedia states that Ralts are Timid fearful little things who only show themselves to 'happy' trainers, and that the moods of people and pokemon and people around them directly impact a Ralts emotions.
Actually the Bulbapedia makes all ralts appear pretty cowardly and..well to have almost no original emotions of their own. It's like they only follow happiness and run or hide from everything else.
"It is highly attuned to the emotions of people and Pokémon. It hides if it senses hostility."
"It is said to appear in front of cheerful people. Ralts tend to keep away from humans, considering that they don't usually like being around negative feelings. "
The things body temperature even changes based on other poke/peoples emotions! Seems like all that empathy is a bit of a handicap, at least until it evolves to a more mature stage.
I don't think I got my point across clearly in my history though, I don't want my Ralts to be an entirely textbook 'ripped outta the anime' Ralts. I did want to use some of the aspects in there to give him believability. Mmm...I definitely need to go in there and do a lot of re-hashing as what I tried to describe got lost in a lot of..er..Junk? Lols!
Again thank you vittles-luff for the awesome crit. It really did help!
I SHALL RETURN ONCE I GET MAI SHIZ TOGETHAH! AHH!
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Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2011 6:58 pm
Space that is wasted on my face - Yey.
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 12:43 am
Okay the History is now officially revamped and ready to go!
BRING IT ON CRIT! -twirls-
Again-again- Thank you all who crit, I LOVE IT. Syrz whas wrong with me?
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 3:16 am
1. Natural Empath
This is god-moding, as RP manager I actually have to say "No" to this. He might be a psychic pokemon but this needs to be completely overhauled. Moirai cannot have an acute link to anyone or anything as a Gijinka, at most he can be more aware of subtle shifts in body language/tone but he can't go anywhere beyond that. Short of asking every individual for permission everytime you seek to RP with them and use this skill (that means every post you make referencing it), then you can't use it.
It's too much paperwork for me, and it's a complete headache for you as well.
This isn't a case of me advising you to change this, it's a case of me telling you to change it. Unfortunately there can be no arguments in relation to this trait. If you revise it to be body language/tone then it's absolutely fine (but would become a more positive trait), otherwise, it needs to be completely removed.
Before you argue with me in terms of what the canon of each pokemon might say, I could say the same about Insidia (Porygon) who possesses no emotions and can't feel. This would be true as a pokemon, but like Sid, Morai has been given HUMANITY and as such can sense, feel and develop his own emotions. He may be emotionally naive for a time, but he can still express them, hence what makes him different from an existing pokemon. Keep in mind that when a pokemon becomes a Gijinka, things change dramatically for them.
2. Free Spirit
Will need to be rewritten slightly in light of the above critique to avoid too much conflict. If you can do that, this trait is fine.
3. Charming
Be careful with this one again - because of the first trait this is in danger of latching on to the god-mode quality. It should be okay once you rewrite the first one though, just make sure to imply that his charm is directed more at NPCs than player characters. Really, what I've just said should be a given to anyone who reads it and they should know it's predominantly NPC, but just to make it clear for everyone I would encourage you to be quite specific.
4. Pathological Liar
Interesting negative trait, it's one I haven't seen overly much. I actually really like that he has this as part of his negative persona. Kudos!
Personality Conclusion:
At present he's tweaked to godmode and I have to say "no" and blanket ban certain aspects of his personality until they've been revised and rewritten. However, stepping back from that aspect of his personality, he's actually quite a balanced character. He has his flaws, strengths and little quirks that make him interesting - all you need to do now is fix it so that he doesn't possess abilities that he shouldn't.
One other thing I would encourage you to do is to consider an additional negative trait, especially if his empathic side does end up becoming more positive than neutral. It doesn't have to be a hugely negative trait, just enough to balance him out a bit more e.g. "Flighty", he disappears the moment things aren't "happy" anymore etc - that being said, that's been touched on in the "Free Spirit" trait.
"Arrogant" or "Proud" might be other traits to consider having consulted his strengths.
STRENGTHS:
Same mistake that everyone makes - what are his physical strengths? If he has none, then state this.
WEAKNESSES:
Perfect, you stated a physical one here so I can't fault it. The weaknesses have also been well thought out and compliment his overall nature.
Once you've targeted your personality and fixed it to the point that I can give it the nod, I'll focus on your history and see if there are any things I take considerable issue with in there. At present, the personality is the most critical part of his concept that needs attention so that's the part I'm going to work with first.
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 9:00 am
Aww crap Epine I'm sorry I didn't even realize. I didn't mean like he could read peoples minds or anything, but I do totally see where your coming from. -dieeess slowly- I swear I'm not the god moddy type! -flails- I think I'm just gonna ditch it entirely, I wasn't even thinking about the human aspect of it and how things would change over.
EDIT:
Okay! SO I fixed all of the personality etc.etc. I know I'm gonna have to fix the history and I'll get to work on that immediately.
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 12:08 pm
His empathic trait is reading MUCH better now and it makes it believable. Additionally, the rest of his traits run a lot more smoothly as well so he's become a much more balanced and realistic individual.
Once you've revised what you think you need to, quote me and I'll take an in depth look at your history so we can progress and eventually approve this concept!
EDIT: And don't worry about the god-moding, sometimes we don't spot the obvious and it takes another person to point it out. n_n You recognised it after I said it, that's what counts.
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2011 12:50 pm
-labus the Epine- Okay changed the History accordingly I think. Hopefully it better reflects the shift from pokemon to human and maybe isn't so 'feeling-centric' -shruggles-
Leme know what I need to change and feel free to murder my grammatical errors!
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Posted: Fri Sep 16, 2011 3:06 am
Grammatical Errors:
Re-written certain parts that don't read well and need to be changed...
1. Moirai, having been human raised his whole life, and surrounded by nothing but good feelings, was quite shocked to find himself thrust into any other situation. He was so deluded that he expected the people to worship him simply for the fact that he existed and was willing to grace them with his presence.
2. Sweet as his owner was, when Moirai was put on the spot he simply couldn't seem to perform well if the situation was highly stressful or negative...
3. His fellow competitors noticed this flaw easily, and whenever they got the chance, picked him apart.
4. Moirai was not meant for the fighting world, and whether he came out on top in the first round or not he was always assured to lose when faced with another trainer and their pets.
5. Eventually Moirai's owner became less sweet; frustrated with his pricey pets lack of growth and fed up with how difficult Moirai was becoming to train, the boy eventually sent the little Ralts home to his parents.
6. The pet had been too expensive to release into the wild...
7. Moira was left alone in the cold, mostly empty home for long periods of time.
8. One night while he was sleeping in his corner, he had a vivid dream...
9. strawberry's = strawberries (the strawberry isn't being possessive)
10. Moirais = Moirai's (Your gijinka is being possessive)
11. mothers = mother's (Possessive)
12. fathers = father's (Possessive)
13. owners = owner's (Possessive)
14. After that Moirai began to pick up other things; never staying too long in one place lest his lies catch up to him ...
15. Also traveling for the sake of following fun; Moirai was naturally drawn to good emotions, and saw that if he followed the happiness of others...
Overall Critique
You need to be more clear on why Ralts took the offer, I understand why in a basic sense but what made him grasp at it so fiercely? He recognised the need to fight, I can appreciate that, but you need to clarify that it was Musharna's offer that made him realise this rather than him simply having an inspirational dream... otherwise, it just sounds like he had an epiphany rather than receiving a genuine offer.
Tweak the history a bit more, fix the grammatical errors and we should be good to go from there. =)
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Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 12:06 pm
OOOOH THE GRAMMATICAL PAIN! -dies- Little red arrows..piercing my soul..-goes to stare at her apostrophe.me- Fail... B-but eppeee..what if the strawberries posess..Moirai's soul??!! Nah I keed. -goes to fix immediately so it reads better and less stupid and whaiii do I do these things- Also fffft..I forgot about Musharnaaaaa -dies summore- That's okay though! Very easy to fix. -nods and fixes all things- THANK YOU SO MUCH EPINE LABU LUFF! -squeeezes until confetti explodes all over-
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Posted: Wed Sep 21, 2011 10:32 am
*Chuckles* Okay, final critique... Musharna isn't forceful. I really can't stress how important it is not to take too many liberties or play his character to much. You can imply he made an offer of some description, but he's too relaxed and laid back to drag Moirai around. You're free to have Moirai interpret Musharna's offer in whatever what you want but he's not the sort of character who would shove it in Moirai's face.
Musharna can make dreams situational, so Moirai can certainly interpret his own surroundings in whatever way he wants but Mr. Pinky won't explain them or converse about the subject matter - he's predominantly there to offer humanity whenever Moirai is most receptive to it. *Noddles* Sooo...when Moirai has finished interpretting what he sees in his own dream, then Musharna is more likely to give him the offer.
See the message First -> Realise the desire second -> Musharna speaks up third.
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