Welcome to Gaia! ::

On the far end of Johto's Route 44 lies the Ice Path, a collection of deep dark caverns, filled with such a powerful chill that sections of the very floor ice over, even in the summer. A healthy population of swinub live within these caverns, shuffling and snuffling through the blackness where the light reflected off the icy crystals won't reach. What with their thick, warm coats and large pink noses to rely upon when their vision fails, swinubs are built for specifically this sort of environment. Indeed, most are perfectly content to spend their days down there.

Most, but not all.

While certainly not social creatures, swinubs have a basic sense of compassion and community, like most other pokemon. When one of their own is seen to be hurting, some, if not all, of the others will flock to at least attempt to make things better for the one in pain. Such was the case for one who would later come to call himself Alanzo, but now was just another nameless, wild swinub. This little one, still barely passed childhood, could be called pathetic, poor, wretched, or a combination of the three depending on the observer, for he had a crippling problem: He was afraid of the dark.

How silly, one might think, for something born and raised in the dark to be afraid of it. Still, though, this little swinub would sit on his own, shivering. Not from the cold, mind you, but from the nameless terror of some unknown horror that lurked deep within the inky blackness of the cave's far reaches. When he was very little, scarcely more than a babe, the swinub had lived much deeper down in the cave. On one occasion, the need arose for him to shuffle on through between to main causeways in the cave, using a smaller passage to make the transition. While it was always dark in the Ice Path, in that thin alley between there was an utter lack of light, and the little swinub made tried his best to be careful. Still, though, he stubbed one of his tiny feet on a shard of ice, and his yelp of pain became amplified with the million screeches and the flapping of leathery wings that followed it. He had disturbed a large group of zubats and golbats, and their startled response was to immediately exit their perches, jostling the poor swinub while screaming the whole time. It scared him so severely that his heart went cold when he even THOUGHT of the dark. To this day, he remains terrified of any darkened areas, EXPECIALLY hallways.

There's nothing to it, of course, but try to explain this to a regular terrified child, and surely you could liken the situation to what the Swinubs experienced in attempting to abate their companion's fears. He heard their words but refused to listen, clinging stubbornly to his fears. Maybe he wished for some different of convincing that never came.

It's beyond frustrating to watch your efforts have no effect, and after a while, the swinubs of Ice Path began to run out of patience and understanding for their unreasonably terrified kin. Eventually, they stopped snuggling with him when they went to sleep, they stopped nuzzling their heads against his in an attempt to convey companionship, and finally stop interacting with him altogether, and the scared little swinub was left to his own devices, for better or worse. No more reason remained for him to stay in the Ice Path, but it was all he knew, and that made the concept of leaving them for the constant light of day intimidating. He'd seen the sun before, had even gone running out in it, but many years earlier, during the heat of summer. He took on such a nasty case of sunstroke that day, it made him think he wasn't suited to the daytime, and was doomed by the very nature of his species to be trapped in that dark cave forever.

The little swinub began to take refuge in sleep, for the blessed shut-eye, when he could achieve it, gave him a reprieve from the icy terror that normally coursed through him. When he slept, he could dream, and he found dreaming to be a wonderful proposition indeed. In his dreams, he went to a wonderful land where the sun always shone, but gently, never glaring down on his thick coat to make him so hot it became unbearable. A soft breeze sighed through the branches of the many trees, so different from the howling winds that sometimes shrieked through the caves. There were many pokemon there, swinub and others, and the scared little swinub never had to worry about being shunned for being terrified of something ridiculous.

In his dreams, the little swinub didn't have to be a little swinub. He could be anything he wanted, what a novel idea! He could imagine himself as a great flying thing that soared through the air! He could be a branching oak that shaded all who sat under him! He could be the gentle breeze that caressed those who faced it, who gave them comfort and reminded them that something cared and wished them to be happy. In one dream, he even dreamed he was a human, though the little swinub only knew them as those long-legged spindly things he had seen walking through the biggest throughways of the Ice Path, on their way to the sunny lands without the cave. The idea of being the fervent support he'd never really had for himself (ignoring the fact that he'd brought the situation upon himself) appealed to him a great deal. He began to wish he could change, that he could be anything but himself, and these feelings started to permeate the very fabric of his dreams, because...

In his dreams, the little swinub was happy.

Soon, though, the little Swinub had one dream that became increasingly strange as it wore on. The scenery stayed static, the wind still wove in between the trees in a wonderful symphony, but everything started to look as if it was being lit with an amber lamp, rather than the vibrant yellow orb that had used to be the sun. He'd later come to know this half-light as twilight, but during the dreams, it was eerie and unsettling. Little by little, the pokemon that had populated his dream began to taper off, and were eventually gone in their entirety, leaving only the little swinub to race between the trees, the breeze at his back.

Well, almost alone. The little swinub, in that last dreams that was so filled with foreign twilight, felt … something. A presence. Watching him and reading him and knowing him, yet it still observed, as if looking for some hidden behavior, some missing piece to a puzzle that the swinub couldn't see.

His dreams and desires had drawn the attention of the Mursharna. Though it saw clouded motives stemming from a degree of hypocrisy, the dream-being saw great empathy within the swinub, and a strong conviction in his ability to give it freely to others. Few enough PURE humans possessed those two traits as it stood, and it drew a conclusion that only seemed natural. Use this swinub as a prime example of how pokemon could be more humane than man himself! And, as if the decision needed any more reason, it would pull the little swinub out of a life that it obviously wasn't made for. It only made sense.

That dream of being watched was Alanzo's last as a swinub. As his furious, nearly frenzied, frollicking began to wind down, he went charging through trees, ignoring the fact that the scenery transformed to fantastic places he'd never been, ending finally in thick mist. Through the thick fog he continued, everything fading a little more with each step. Even when he could see no more, he pressed just a bit farther forward, until the dream ended and deep, deep sleep took him.

When he awoke, Alanzo honestly thought he was still dreaming, that his rapturous dream had become reality and he'd get to stay there. As his senses returned, though, everything came crashing back together. He'd seen this place before, of course. The black mouth of the Ice Path yawned open behind him, and the path that fed directly into it lay beneath him. The packed, hard ground felt warm from the day's heat, but it was nothing like how he remembered it. It cradled him like the bed he'd never had, and he was content to lay there a while longer. He probably would have laid there the whole day if he had not heard a voice from above him somewhere, followed by a shadow that fell across.

”My word, boy! What are you doing just laying in the middle of the road,” the voice exclaimed, ”And where are you clothes...?”

'Boy' looked up, to the source of the voice. An old man stood over him, though Alanzo didn't yet know how to tell humans apart, with his elderly wife standing not far behind him. With eyes full of intelligent curiosity, in spite of the residual fear, he looked between the two of them, not having any words with which to answer the question. The pair, in turn, looked at each other, and then back at him. The man opened his mouth, and, not quite sure how to begin, closed it again. Seeming to compose himself, he inhaled sharply and voiced his question.

”Do... Do you have parents, my boy? Why are you just laying in the road...? How did you get here?” He feared the worst, of course, feared that Alanzo was a victim of unspeakable crimes, rather than recently becoming an entirely different being.

Alanzo, still not knowing how to respond, attempted to trot forward on what he assumed were his stubby old legs, but instead ended up dragging knees along the ground. Though the gravity of what had happened had yet to drive home in Alanzo's head, he became aware of just what sort of changes his body had undergone. He looked at his hands; dainty, pale things, they were, attached to long spindly arms that jointed halfway along. Awkwardly, he bent one of these new arms, propping himself up with the other, fascinated with the range of mobility these new appendages afforded.

The old man, still there and now watching the boy with a degree of fascination himself, spoke again. ”Hello...? Are your parents around here, somewhere? Do they... do they have your clothes?” He was no pervert, the old man, but the boy's lack of clothing was rather startling.

Alanzo, satisfied for the moment with his new body, looked back up at the man. He watched the way the older man stood on just two legs, which seemed quite queer to him, but he was all at once overcome with the urge to try it. Slowly, unsteadily, he rose on two shaking legs, and he even managed to stay upright for a few moments before falling again, sitting down hard in the middle of the road. The old man, horrified at the view he'd just been given, yelped and motioned to his wife, who quickly moved forward and draped Alanzo in a long cloth, a remnant of the picnic they'd been having just ten minutes prior. Alanzo looked between them again, and all at once it was clear enough to the couple.

”I think you'd better come with me, my boy. You can tell us about whatever happened to you later.”

And so Alanzo the Swinub found himself with a name, a home, and a pair of 'grandparents,' who, once they got past the fact that they dealt with an adolescent who completely lacked human knowledge, turned out to be quite supportive and loving. He took up residence in their home in Blackthorn, and was quickly integrated into the Risveglia family as something like the grandchild and nephew most of the clan had never had. They taught him to read, to write, and to cope with his fear of the dark, still crippling at this point, with one thing the pokemon had never had: electric lights. Alanzo still thinks the nightlight is the greatest invention ever conceived with human ingenuity.

After several years of life in Blackthorn, Alanzo turned the equivalent of eighteen (for he didn't know exactly how old he was; this was just a rough approximation) and decided to set out on his own. Promising, and intending, to keep in touch with Grandma and Grampa and the rest of the family, he packed up and set out for Goldenrod City, a much brighter, livelier city that sat on the ocean. It's where he lives now, and has for over a year, and he likes the town quite a bit. It's never quiet in the still-growing city, and even at night, there's always streetlamps and other sources of illumination to keep it bright, making it much more comfortable for poor Alanzo. He still sleeps with his nightlight in his tiny apartment, but he's working hard on breaking THAT fear.

He's managed to make a few friends, and even holds down a job as a clerk in a shop, though that's probably because not too many know that he used to be a pokemon. Either way, things aren't too bad at all for Alan. He considers himself the luckiest boy in the world for the gift he received.

extra <3

History:
Communication - Pokemon CAN communicate with one another and they do so quite well, implying that they can't be vocal makes very little sense. You may wish to revise this.

Dreaming of the Sun - How can you dream of something you've never seen before? I read that he'd lived in the cave all his life so you'd need to clarify how he'd even know what this looked like, or alternatively, what he thinks it should look like if it's based on his imagination.

Musharna - As an NPC, you're not permitted to make him talk. This is because he's an awkward individual to play and we would rather he didn't end up with a million inaccurate personalities. You'll need to revise this part of your history to indicate he was there and made an offer, but without you taking control of him. Additionally - Gijinka and pokemon can communicate with one another perfectly, Gijinka are still pokemon and do not lose their ability to converse with the creatures around them.

Finding a House - How can he even afford one? Did someone take him in? Why did they take him in given how bizarre he looks? Keep in mind he'll be a hybrid, he'll be a 'freak' of nature and as such people aren't guaranteed to be receptive to him. Additionally, how would he even know a human lives in a house if he's only ever seen three and there were no houses around him? Given you implied he couldn't even communicate with his own kind through words, it would be impossible for him to know anything. This needs a significant amount of clarification.

Conclusion - Musharna needs completely redone and you need to re-evaluate how you portray Alanzo. As he stands there's no way he'd be capable of any intelligent thought since he had no way of learning/communicating properly with his own kind. The fear of the dark and his escape into dreams is sweet, but the rest needs to be revised so that it fits in with the rules and canon of the shop.

Tips:
1. Gijinka and pokemon can communicate without issue.
2. Pokemon can 'talk' to one another without issue, humans simply can't understand them.
3. Musharna is not playable, never make him talk.
4. Alanzo must WANT to be human, Musharna doesn't just appear for giggles to offer random pokemon this chance, he typically only appears to those who want to be human.

Personality:
While the premise and concept behind this is cute, it has to be redone. Unfortunately it doesn't give the detail required and I wouldn't be allowed to approve it as it stands.

1. You need to explicitly state which are negative/positive/neutral.
2. Keep in mind that what you THINK is positive could actually be neutral because others are irritated by it.

Key issues I have:
1. Is this guy ever useful? Right now he reminds me of a more irritating sloth with a derpy smile on his lips.

Upbeat
Up-beat is certainly a positive but you have to recognise that some characters are going to find this positivity incredibly irritating. There's a fine line between being bubbly and annoying.

Easy going vs Hard to Please
Contradictions. Pick one.

Lethargic
Negative trait, not neutral. He might end up cheerful when he dozes off but in a general sense, a lethargic individual is a useless and unproductive creature.

Honest Opinion
I'm going to be completely honest here, I don't actually like this character concept at the moment. I consider him very superficial and he seems to be deliberately designed to be lazy and well...that's about it. I see no room for growth, development or even RP as he'll rub a lot of the gijinka up the wrong way at the moment.

With no room for growth, let alone any interesting aspect to his personality, I see no way he'd get enough RP or interest from others to be fun for you. I know I sound very critical at the moment but I have to be honest when I read these concepts so that people stand the best shot at getting a character they're going to enjoy in the long term!

For example - Why did you decide to make him an "e-harmony" profile set up? While you can't keep this in your quest thread, what made you choose it? This isn't explained in the slightest to me but it seems to indicate that he's almost lonely, has a sense that he's lacking in companionship and doesn't seem to have the confidence to pursue people in the real world. The entire profile set up is quirky and you've missed out on an incredible opportunity to use it to explain exactly who he is.

I'd say if you could explain the reasoning behind your decision to pick that other than "it seemed like it'd be funny" then I think you could be on to a winner, but right now... I'm really not sold on his idea.

He needs quite a bit of work before I believe he'd be ready for approval but once you'd reviewed bits and pieces and thought over what you want, I think he'll turn out well. At the moment, his premise is good but he's just not quite there yet.

*Headshake* I can appreciate not wanting to change your own concepts as I become attached to my own too. Generally speaking critique is advice and if you really disagree with it then you can reserve the right to ignore it if you feel very strongly about it. Always keep this in mind after reading critique, especially if you feel very strongly about a certain aspect of it.

The only time I'll reinforce and demand any changes from you is if they don't fit shop lore or are glaringly obvious mistakes that would make a character utterly ridiculous if they were real. This in mind, if you read something above you're not happy with just be aware that you can disregard it if you feel what you have said is appropriate. Kk?

I don't ever intend to cause offence in these things but I'll always be honest when I'm reading through concepts. Don't take it personally if I pick over things with a fine tooth comb, I just want to make sure you're explaining the concept to the best of your ability to everyone can understand! <3


EDIT:
Btw, while you can't have the "e-harmony" thing on your quest concept you CAN use it in your journal so I would really encourage you to hold onto the idea, it's quirky and deserves to be shown off when you have the right opportunity!

okay, so, I've taken most of the crit that's been given into account, and revamped accordingly. that said, I think I'm ready for crits again.

Please try not to Tl;Dr, it's long, I know, but I've done my best to work everything in and have it make sense.

sorry D: forgot to quote

I KNOW THIS SEEMS HUGE BUT I SWEAR IM JUST WORDY ;A;

The problems of his personality isn't in diary, (frankly I didn't read it since it's not related to what needs to be approved or not |D ) It's how you've written his traits.

An example:
Positive - Easy-going - While Alanzo's not quite laid back, he's certainly mastered the calm that comes with it. That relaxed smile and the “Whatever works, man,” vibe he throws off, there's just... there's something about it that makes it infectious. It rolls out from him, like late-afternoon sunlight, bathing and disarming those around him, whether they like him or not. People find it hard to get offended by the soft-spoken, drowsy boy, if only because he's quick to deflect or defuse arguments before they get heated. That said, it's definitely possible to get annoyed at him, as nothing can stop someone who's determined to get upset.

The trait of being easy-going isn't necessarily what is wrong, its how you describe it that comes off as predetermining. What I bolded basically says in a round about way: 'Your character will become less aggressive towards mine, they wont get mad at him and his easy-going temperament will affect your character'. I highly doubt this is your intention however. It's just really word choice. Changing how the trait is phrased to something like 'He has a typical relaxed smile and air about him. It might come off as disarming to some due to just how easy going he is. Beside his lackadaisical air, he doesn't often offend others due to his soft spoken nature' Do you kind of see how while worded differently, they sort of carry the same meaning, all whiling leaving other character's interactions open? (You don't have to write it like that but just kinda to show why it just needs a rephrasing?)

Using optional words like 'might' or 'not often' give off a more open ended feeling while keeping the same idea of the trait. Its really just something that helps other RPers so when they read a profile, they aren't seeing a predetermined encounter, but a more open ended option for events and interactions. It a bit odd to explain but I hope I've made a bit of sense? Essentially, just look for instancing where a trait is written that sort of predetermines possible exchanges; think of it from the view of another RPer.

Upbeat is 10x better and not fits into his others. Just small thing: "this results in his constant sunny demeanour" I would change constant to 'usual' since...constant would mean he doesn't get down. (or rather gives the impression he is never down, thus making this trait rather convoluted and almost contradictory). This happens in the beginning with 'by keeping a constant-' It makes it read as an absolute, when it's not. Just adding a phrase like 'attempting to' before keeping makes it flow much easier.

Overall in personality: look for absolute words and instances. Unless something has NO EXCEPTION EVER, a constant trait really shouldn't be showing up. Aside from that, just make sure you don't end up predetermining other character's reactions. The traits themselves all do work together, its just small things that need editing.


History: First off, proving the reason for his fear make his history SO much more believable and really helps provide reasoning for events that follow. I assume his fear of the dark, (from how you describe it) isn't so much just 'dark' as it's more absolute darkness or near absolute. If so, just a quick clarification will help at the end of that paragraph.

Mursharna's motives are actually pretty easy overall! Musharna wanted to show humans, specifically trainers, that pokemon are meant to be treated as equals. So again, I am going to insist that you provide a clear reason. The reason should be stated because frankly, if it isn't then we run into possible shop canon consistency errors. The shop canon has Mursharna with a goal. So Alanzo would need to somehow fit into this goal. Dreams do attract Murshana, but also desires. If Alanzo desired to be something else to be free of the dark, fit that into the logic of how it would further Mursharna goal of human pokemon relations.

It's looking a lot better, its just small phrases and clarifications that need to be made. The biggest is again, the 'reason' of the dream and change. but all else checks out in terms of logic and shop canon.