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 Posted: Thu Aug 25, 2011 10:32 pm
 AMITYVILLE ACADEMY ENROLLMENT FORM Name: Kozui Anmitsu (Yes it is a food they were running out of ideas) Maher
Nicknames: Ko, zu-zu
Gender: female
Age: 17
Faction/Race Undead/ Lost Fathoms Leviathan
Natural Ability:
Extra Sight: A Lost Fathoms Leviathan can fuse and absorb a new body part if they concentrate their Fear and bind it with sea water. Their new limb then takes on their coloration, and is usable immediately as if they were born with it. This does not give them additional abilities, however (ie, a LFL that gives themselves feathery wings will be unable to fly with them).
Personality:
Flirt??Love??: Zu-zu isn’t sure how to handle romance at all. What she has learned is confusing from her mother is that men are the heads and women should follow their lead. From her grandmother she blocked out most of it and the rest she would rather not repeat. She isn’t to keen on people entering her personal bubble and her flirting isn’t flirting it is cheesy pick-up lines with bad facial gestures and awkward movements.
Truthful: Tends to be more annoying then beneficial since she is so blunt when she tells the truth. Her skills in lying are really nonexistence she can tell lies but it is like watching your grandmoonie bath very unpleasant, hard to forget even though you want too and it makes you want to barf. ZuZu will tell you exactly what she is feeling without tack or cushion which can be very harsh.
Trust: It does take some doing to earn ZuZu’s trust but once you earn it, it is hard to lose it. ZuZu views trust as the most important thing in a friendship and will never abuse the trust she’s earned. She will stick by her friend above all else and will take their side in any situation. There are a few ways to lose her trust by abusing her loyalty to you and taking advantage of her. If betrayed she isn’t so easily forgiving and it will be very hard to get back on her better side.
Mindful: Despite being so blunt and having a foul mouth she does try to be mindful of others. Mostly she is aware of their personal space in hopes that they will stay out of her own personal space. It is the main reason she doesn’t talk much it’s her way of keeping her mouth getting the better of her. She is aware that everyone has history even though the first time you speak to hr would say otherwise. This creates a strong dislike for gossip and rumors ignoring them having everyone with a blank slate. ZuZu is especially mindful of her elders respecting her teachers and whatever they require.
Curious: ZuZu’s curious simply because she is curious nothing sinister behind it. She tries to conduct her inquiries in secret or as quietly as she can so not to alert attention to herself. Mainly because she uses the people she meets in her mmorpgs and doesn’t want them knowing because that would be very bad for her. Sometimes she might investigate about the same thing multiple times until she has satiated her curious appetite.
Lazy: ZuZu isn’t very lazy she does prefer to sleep or daydream than anything else. Her dreams aren’t all that lazy really mostly them being about books and her studies. She can’t even do lazing about correctly, though she her lazy attitude does appear mostly when she has to be in groups or deal with things. It is just another way for her to run away so she doesn’t have to face reality or her past.
Vengeful: ZuZu has deep unresolved issues which take form in petty pranks and poor acts of revenge. A good way to go on her enemy list is to pat her on the head without hesitating she will snap at your hand before you can retract. The more serious reason she is so vengeful is because she has repressed memories. So in self preservation she attacks that which could break the façade. It is one of the reasons she always looks so sour and contradicts her more mindful thinking. Most of her revenge is petty and childish without serious harm unless something goes wrong.
Coward: ZuZu dislikes confrontations and she has no problem with running from a fight physical or verbal doesn’t matter. This doesn’t mean she isn’t very weak or a patsy because she isn’t a pushover. If pushed to the edge she will fight back tooth and nail but only so that she can run away. She has real trouble dealing with pushy personalities and tries to avoid these people.
Dependable: ZuZu is not the type to skimp on her work or the type to miss something for a friend. She won’t be the loudest person cheering for you at a game/event/etc but she will be at every game/event/etc in the back away from people. If you happen to have nobody else there and are very good friends she will even be in the forefront cheering all bright red. If in a group she will pull her weight and be in the right place so that it won’t affect her teammates.
Fun: Not the life of the party she wouldn’t even be in the party but might hold a party of two or three very close friends. Most of the time her wild outburst are to cheer up her friends jumping on a table singing at the top of her lungs dancing offbeat and oddly as long as it is in her/their dorm or a empty/secluded place.
Why are they enrolled in Amityville Academy? Ko is running away from her family thinks it is time to go to school. Her previous place of education has been lacking in everything educational so she needed to go to school.
Ko would prefer classes that she doesn’t have to do much moving and a lot of reading.
FEAR: Fog: ZuZu's blossoms can create and release fog around her body to distract her opponent. Most of the fog comes from flowers on her tail and isn't really thick. It can hide her body for a moment but if she moves around to much it will dissipate quickly.
Physical Description:
Eye Colour: Caribbean Blue with dark circles under her eyes.
Hair Colour/Style: strawberry blonde with streaks of different colors in the middle or on the side/ short, curly no longer then underneath her breasts.
Skin Colour: Grayish-black with bluish scaling on her arms to her neck.
Clothing Style/Colours: A skull hair tie, between these two shirts, locket necklace, mustache necklace,
shorts, not so simple flats.
Extra: Various scars/stitching all over her body. Two eyes that are on the side of her face by her hair line across from her eyes mostly covered by her hair because they are sensitive. A pair of horns and a fish scale tail with flowers on both. Two tentacle (black and SeaGreen) like tails from her the sides of her hips as well as markings (darkorchid for the markings).
References:
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Posted: Thu Aug 25, 2011 10:34 pm
 XXXXXXXX Aisling: The youngest and very quiet tending to prefer staying by Ko's side. She isn't every curious and doesn't take to change very well. Tending to be the slowest to adjust to it and kicking and screaming along the way. XXXXXXXX Daiki: Though his name holds words like noble, great, and radiant. He lacks all of these qualities tending to be difficult to deal with. He either pouting to get attention or when company is over he is acting cool. XXXXXXXX Yasu: Ko's best friend and most reliable of them all. He is always looking out for her and even though they can't verbally understand each other. They tend to understand what each other need without saying it. He is also a little overprotective which gets on Ko's nerves especially when he picks fights with the other minis.
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Posted: Thu Aug 25, 2011 10:44 pm
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Posted: Fri Aug 26, 2011 10:22 am
I didn't fully read your thread.. YET. *in the middle of some things*
But until I can put together a full crit I thought I would point out that you need to choose 1 species for your character.
The character must be a demon.. or a fae. I had the same issue with my quest, as my character's parents are a Demon and Strix. The child will come out as one or the other since they are born from pumpkins instead of whoopie.. This of course may affect their background history (it did with Ulmuka at least).
Hope this helps you!
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Posted: Fri Aug 26, 2011 12:54 pm
Ah thanks for the heads up I think I misread something. I think it doesn't really change the story much.
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Posted: Fri Aug 26, 2011 12:56 pm
biggrin No prob!
I will give you a better crit later biggrin
I know I did the same thing when I made my quest so I had to alter a bunch of my character's profile to accomodate.
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Posted: Fri Aug 26, 2011 1:18 pm
No worries any help is appreciated..
It does give me an idea that I will have to run by to see if possible.
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Posted: Fri Aug 26, 2011 3:59 pm
Well... kinda going along the lines of what iloveyouDie said... you have "Magena Saras and Marut " for the subspecies? There's no hybrids so it'd have to be one or the other. Perhaps I read something wrong somewhere but it seems like the two are indeed two different species... so.. go with one or the other.
Speaking of these species, those descriptions as they are might not really work in the world of Halloween. (There are no 'Gods' and no halfbreeds for example) - What would these be as they are in Halloween? I think that would be more useful for knowing about Sherbert's species rather than going off of whatever universe they originally came from (if any).
I'm also a little confused as to your ability listing for the subsequent years. Every year they grow, they can either get an additional natural ability or buff up an existing one.
As far as FEAR goes, they just have one that gets stronger... unless you're saying the FEAR changes as she gets older? I.... don't really know if that will fly. You're going to have to ask an admin about this for sure. Eight requested the FEAR attack for her character to be changed because she was unhappy with it - Liz mentioned that she didn't want people to change up too often in general.
Now for her personality...
The main thing that strikes out to me is that... she doesn't really have any real flaws. The first three you've listed are kind of more neutral traits, and every other one after those are positive ones.
Between that and the whole abilities thing above, along with the mashing of species... it really looks like you're trying to make this really awesome person who's all these things and can do a bunch of stuff.. which really isn't a good thing. Flaws and weaknesses help give a character flavor and make them feel more real.
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Posted: Fri Aug 26, 2011 7:05 pm
Blade Kuroda Well... kinda going along the lines of what iloveyouDie said... you have "Magena Saras and Marut " for the subspecies? There's no hybrids so it'd have to be one or the other. Perhaps I read something wrong somewhere but it seems like the two are indeed two different species... so.. go with one or the other. I Know it seems like they are completely different but they aren't. They are the same species just happen to have different appearances like races depending on where they live. How skin and facial features are for us is wings and not having wings for them. They all stem form the GoptrI and evolution did its thing. I am also pondering of a bit of drow genetic experiment that went wrong which gave her the spots,tail, horns and skin discoloring so I will have to discuss this and that with the admins. I am leaning more towards the drow idea until I can find a soild way of placing the GoptrI in TIHSpeaking of these species, those descriptions as they are might not really work in the world of Halloween. (There are no 'Gods' and no halfbreeds for example) - What would these be as they are in Halloween? I think that would be more useful for knowing about Sherbert's species rather than going off of whatever universe they originally came from (if any). I didn't know that there were no gods so I might have to change her race around because the goddess plays a large role in the lore.
The only other way I can place them as being more along the lines of familiars that serve a certain class of reaper. But doing that makes it really confusing and less what I want to be actually. Also they are a completely original so there is no universe to speak of. I'm also a little confused as to your ability listing for the subsequent years. Every year they grow, they can either get an additional natural ability or buff up an existing one. Some changes have been made I can change this very easily I will fix this I thought they could have multiple fears it might just have something to do with class and I am mixing that up.As far as FEAR goes, they just have one that gets stronger... unless you're saying the FEAR changes as she gets older? I.... don't really know if that will fly. You're going to have to ask an admin about this for sure. Eight requested the FEAR attack for her character to be changed because she was unhappy with it - Liz mentioned that she didn't want people to change up too often in general. MmmkayNow for her personality... The main thing that strikes out to me is that... she doesn't really have any real flaws. The first three you've listed are kind of more neutral traits, and every other one after those are positive ones. I was sure she had some mainly being that she doesn't speak much and allows others to speak over and to some extent walk over her. She has a height and body complex that makes her feel that she isn't feminine. Granted I could add more to her.Between that and the whole abilities thing above, along with the mashing of species... it really looks like you're trying to make this really awesome person who's all these things and can do a bunch of stuff.. which really isn't a good thing. Flaws and weaknesses help give a character flavor and make them feel more real. I didn't think she came off that way your really going to have to have to be more specific in her personality because I see her flaws. I wasn't aware of the fear change because an older quest I had that I changed had more than one fear and was okay.
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Posted: Fri Aug 26, 2011 7:19 pm
Well, there are gods, but they aren't... gods in the way we view them. Gods in the world of Halloween are basically more along the lines of celebrities rather than deities.
As for the not feeling feminine thing... I wouldn't really call that a flaw. In Halloween, there's not much of a gender stigma/role over all due to the fact that there are creatures with no gender at all (like Malodore) as well as hermaphrodites (see Israfel). There might be some other way for her to feel insecure about herself but to me, this alone just feels a little.. weak.
And I see how she can kind of be a push over, which is indeed a flaw. However, I feel there's still an imbalance. That's one (maybe two if you count the one above) flaws versus six virtues.
Though, I just realized something. You just mentioned now that people can kind of walk over her, but that's not something that would really be possible if she's stubborn or steadfast as you mentioned. There's a bit of a clash there since if she stands firm for what she believes in... she wouldn't let people do that? If that makes any sense?
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Posted: Fri Aug 26, 2011 7:29 pm
Also to note, while there are a lot of fantasy-esque type creatures in Halloween, they all are still based on some sort of Fear from the human world. Try to lean away from OMG FANTASY and embrace the Halloween Culture of "We are here to scare the pants off of humans it's what we do." Skimming your thread I didn't really get much of that vibe, just a neat character that would work better in a strictly fantasy universe, not a Halloween Universe.
Remember: Horror!
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Posted: Sun Sep 18, 2011 12:49 am
Thank you Blade and Bilious for the crits I did a major change in her but kept some parts of her. Actually a lot of her but I just never typed it up... I forgot people aren't mind readers. Now open for crits again.
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Posted: Wed Sep 21, 2011 10:19 am
Crit for you~
The first thing I would very strongly suggest is please, PLEASE refer to her with the same name the entire way through! The way it is right now, with three different nicknames used willy-nilly, is REALLY REALLY confusing.
The other, and BIGGEST problem I'm seeing with this profile as it stands is a lack of organization in the Personality section. There's a LOT of information there, and it's all laid out willy-nilly. This makes itdifficult to follow. I would look over everything you have and sort it differently: put all her social awkwardness issues in one place, for example (her not knowing how to greet people/being blunt/etc.). You are also cramming a lot of history into her personality points, when it doesn't really go there.
Some of the details can actually be removed - some things are over explained, while some things aren't explained enough. (Like, for example, her relationship with her familiar.) Cut things down to the minimum: there's several places where you explain something in three sentences when it only needed one.
Streamlining your profile can be done without sacrificing character! It's going to take some work, but it'll be worth it to you in the end.
Anyway, because of that confusion/disorganization, it's actually pretty hard for me to pull out specific corrections. But here's a few things:
- Her laziness and curiosity, as they're currently described, are inconsistent - if she's so lazy, why is she so persistent as to keep trying something a hundred times? Also, the mention of vengeance is really random. Is she only roused out of her laziness to do vengeful things? I think you're trying to explain too many different traits in one paragraph, and it's rather hard to follow.
- Social awkwardness is a decent flaw. The awkwardness and her bluntness make sense. Does she have any interest in improving these flaws or is she just not that self aware yet?
- The biting at someone's hand is a... really really weird reaction for a 'fully human' (as human as things get in Halloween anyway) creature to have. I'd expect that out of a monster, maybe, but in a Reaper it's really odd. Also, saying that she WILL bite your hand no matter what is godmoding.
- Why is she so quick to vow revenge?
- Her FEAR: why is it water-based? I'll be honest, I'm not getting a good bead on what kind of witch she is. Does she specialize in water spells? Familiar magic? Etc.?
- There is literally no reason for her to have autopsy stitching unless she had an autopsy. Which would make her dead at the time... which isn't possible unless she's currently undead.
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Posted: Wed Sep 21, 2011 11:14 pm
Sosiqui Crit for you~ The first thing I would very strongly suggest is please, PLEASE refer to her with the same name the entire way through! The way it is right now, with three different nicknames used willy-nilly, is REALLY REALLY confusing. The other, and BIGGEST problem I'm seeing with this profile as it stands is a lack of organization in the Personality section. There's a LOT of information there, and it's all laid out willy-nilly. This makes itdifficult to follow. I would look over everything you have and sort it differently: put all her social awkwardness issues in one place, for example (her not knowing how to greet people/being blunt/etc.). You are also cramming a lot of history into her personality points, when it doesn't really go there. All fixed I hope. I think that if I simplify that it will come out more cohesive and get my point across. Sorry for confusing you I tend to do that its been a while since I've done serious writing with any real critique.Some of the details can actually be removed - some things are over explained, while some things aren't explained enough. (Like, for example, her relationship with her familiar.) Cut things down to the minimum: there's several places where you explain something in three sentences when it only needed one. I was trying to give Jake's and ZuZu's back story and also Jake's personality so I will work on this.
Streamlining your profile can be done without sacrificing character! It's going to take some work, but it'll be worth it to you in the end. Anyway, because of that confusion/disorganization, it's actually pretty hard for me to pull out specific corrections. But here's a few things: - Her laziness and curiosity, as they're currently described, are inconsistent - if she's so lazy, why is she so persistent as to keep trying something a hundred times? Also, the mention of vengeance is really random. Is she only roused out of her laziness to do vengeful things? I think you're trying to explain too many different traits in one paragraph, and it's rather hard to follow. I did change that around they all come together really just having a hard time explaining it. I'm not sure it is laziness but it is the best word I can think of I will have to keep at it. Her vengeance comes comes from pent up anger I hope I explained it in the knew personality section. I hope the changes explain things better.- Social awkwardness is a decent flaw. The awkwardness and her bluntness make sense. Does she have any interest in improving these flaws or is she just not that self aware yet? I don't think she has any intention of becoming more tactful. She is kind of aware of her social awkwardness but a lot of it goes over her head so she doesn't necessarily know how to change them.- The biting at someone's hand is a... really really weird reaction for a 'fully human' (as human as things get in Halloween anyway) creature to have. I'd expect that out of a monster, maybe, but in a Reaper it's really odd. Also, saying that she WILL bite your hand no matter what is godmoding. ZuZu is the oldest of six siblings and is also the shortest she doesn't just bite she does kick shins as well. It is just something that developed in her wilder days as a youth and has stuck with her. She really doesn't have much control over snapping at a person's hand because that pat her head.- Why is she so quick to vow revenge? Something horrible happened to her the stitching and she has some repressed memories. So she tends to take it out on people that out on people or situations that remind her of things she is trying to forget. She will eventually grow out of this or become more self destructive.- Her FEAR: why is it water-based? I'll be honest, I'm not getting a good bead on what kind of witch she is. Does she specialize in water spells? Familiar magic? Etc.? I am not sure I love the idea of her being water-based but I'm just not sure.- There is literally no reason for her to have autopsy stitching unless she had an autopsy. Which would make her dead at the time... which isn't possible unless she's currently undead. She had a live autopsy kind of her head wasn't opened into just her torso and a few other body parts. She was captured and held for a while so the scars and stitching have some fear embedded. So that the stitching became a part of her skin. I will find another way to describe the scars and stitching on her body so it isn't confused with autopsy. Thank you for the critique it was very very helpful.
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Posted: Wed Sep 21, 2011 11:31 pm
As a note... if she was alive, it'd just be a surgery more or less, not an autopsy. XD They would be surgical stitchings/scars.
Sosi pretty much covered all the other points I was going to say.
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