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Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 9:35 am
Name: Roxy Dillon Nickname: None, she feels Roxy is short enough already. Age: 14 Birthday: September 29 Sign: Libra Gemstone: Sapphire Blood Type: AB Fav. Food: Banana pancakes, spam musubi, loco moco, creme brulee, and caesar salad. Hated Food: Mushrooms, onions, and nato. School: Meadowview High School (Co-Ed) Hobbies: ๑ Hair Stylist Roxy loves styling other peoples hair and if anyone wants a new hairstyle but can't afford it, she'll do it for them for free in her house. It's just something she loves to do and she is always styling her sister's hair. So her sister has great hair every day of the year although some styles may be a bit funky. For herself, she keeps it simple. She's more for doing other people's hair over her own but you can tell she takes great care of her own hair. ๑ Sewing Roxy likes to sew in her spare time. She usually makes small things like stuffed animals and pillows. But she can make clothes and does make her own clothes if it can't be bought in Destiny City. She finds inspiration for making new clothes online and takes snippets of different clothes to form an idea of something she'd like to sew. If not, she does a very crude drawing of what she'd like to sew. Her drawings aren't good at all, so if someone other than her looks at it, they probably wouldn't be able to tell which clothes matches which drawing. ๑ Dancing Roxy loves to dance. She practices at home and dances around with her family too. It's probably a family thing because they all love to dance. Lately she's been into learning hip hop from watching T.V. but she's quite good at ballroom due to being sent to ballroom classes as a child. She quit them but continued practicing on her own. ๑ Cars Since her dad owns Maxim Motors, Roxy knows how to work on cars. She likes to volunteer some time to helping her dad at work or on one of his project cars. For some reason, she likes working on cars when she has a lot to think about. It helps to clear her mind. Virtues: ๑ Enthusiastic Roxy thoroughly enjoys life and it's very easy to see that. She is usually enthusiastic about everything, whether it's something new or old. She normally has this energetic energy around her. If there is something that someone wants to tell her or show her, she'll be genuinely excited about it and most likely enjoy whatever it is she is told or shown. ๑ Strong Morals Roxy rarely ever breaks any rules or laws and she normally does the right thing. If she finds a wallet on the ground loaded with money, she won't keep it but rather turn it into the police as lost and found or look for the potential owner. She doesn't cheat on anything and would rather fail from genuinely trying than to pass from cheating. It is something her mother instilled in her and a point of pride for her. If there was an emergency situation, as in a life and death one, she would break a law to help a person. Life is definitely more important than a law. ๑ Thoughtful Roxy is a very thoughtful person. She is usually doing things to help others or make other people happy. She genuinely likes to help people and not out of interest for herself. This applies to the way she is with her family, like how she helps her dad out at work even if she doesn't get paid to do it. This also applies to strangers and friends, like if someone asked her to help tutor them in a subject, she would without asking for anything in return. Flaws: ๑ Blunt Roxy is open about not liking something and honest to the point of being blunt. She doesn't sugar coat things, just tells it straight. If someone doesn't like what she is saying, even if it's true, then she'll just tell them that's her opinion. If they don't like her opinion or answer, then that's too bad. If someone asked her if they looked fat in a dress and they really did, she would politely let them know that they do look fat in it. If the person got upset, she'd remind them that they asked for her honest opinion. ๑ Strong Morals Having strong morals is a double-edged sword for Roxy. When it comes to her friends, she may choose her morals over them even at the risk of losing that friend. If she considers the rule broken to be very minor, then she will overlook it and forgive her friend for it. But if it's a law that she considers shouldn't be broken, like stealing, then she'll turn her friend in because it's the right thing to do regardless of the consequences her friend will have to deal with. ๑ Insecure Roxy is secretly insecure. She does her best to hide it but deep inside she is always questioning herself. This can cause her to have fits of jealousy if she feels that someone is getting more attention than she is simply because of her insecurity. It can also lead her to do bad things to get the attention she needs to feel loved, even to the point of breaking a rule to get it. If she does break a rule because of her insecurities, she tends to feel really bad about it and will withdraw for a bit as punishment for herself. PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION Eyes: Roxy has round eyes that are dark green (#167a2f). She usually has a pleasant expression. Hair: Roxy has long, honey blond hair. She usually wears them in braided pigtails and has ribbons in her hair. The ribbons are either laced in with her braids or tied into bows at the bottom of her braids. Face: Roxy has a heart shaped face. She has long, thick eyelashes and a slightly pointy nose. She has a small mole on the left side of her chin. She has olive skin and soft pink lips.
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Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 10:33 am
Senshi: Sailor Diadem, Senshi of Hair Challenge: "Time to mess up your hair." or "You look like you need a hair cut." Fuku Colour: Main Color: Pale goldenrod - #EEE8AASecondary Color: Sapphire - #082567Fuku: Everything is up to the artist based on my character unless specified below. Bow -- Her back bow has longer tails that go down to her feet. Sleeves -- No sleeves Choker -- One made out of of ribbon to match her hair. Shoes -- Some kind of heels. Accessories -- She has to have ribbons in her hair and a ribbon on each wrist. Attacks: Sailor Scout Attack: Hair Whip She removes one of the ribbons from her wrist and it forms into a long, thick braid. This acts as a whip for her and stings when she hits enemies with it. This attack can be used twice, once for each ribbon on her wrists. Super Sailor Scout Attack: Double Hair Whip This is an upgrade of 'Hair Whip'. With this one, she can use both ribbons at the same time as whips. Not only do they sting but they temporarily stun enemies for 30 seconds. This attack can be used only once. Eternal Sailor Attack: Hair Ribbon Slice She uses on one of the ribbons and it separates to form strands of hair that dance around the opponent. The strands of hair are actually razor sharp and cut at the enemy as it dances around them. This only lasts for a minute before it turns back into a normal ribbon. This attack can be used twice, once for each ribbon on her wrists.
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Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 10:43 pm
Quirks: Roxy speaks in a very polite manner. It is just the way that she is and it is rare for her to not be polite. Only in times when she is truly mad will her speech take on an impolite tone. Roxy also has the tendency to be a bit bossy at times. She usually doesn't try to be but sometimes just comes off that way. There are moments where she'll tell someone to do something rather than ask them. Biography: Roxy didn't always live in Destiny City. She is originally from a tropical island called Lauoho that is a famous vacation spot. Her father, Maximillius Dillon, had owned a used car lot there but when his lease expired on the lot and he wasn't able to renew it. He decided it was time to move the family. At first Roxy hated the idea but then she didn't want to make her dad upset so she grudgingly accepted. They had moved to Destiny City just last year in May. So Roxy has yet to really make any friends. Her father now owns Maxim Motors, a used car center and a place to get general fixes on one's car. He is currently looking to hire mechanics. Until he does get some mechanics working for him, he does all the jobs with help from Roxy. Because her father put a lot of their money into a new house and his new business, there wasn't much left over to send Roxy and her sister to good schools. So now she has to go to Meadowview High School. It will be her first time going to a public school. Her mother, Mariette, is takes care of all the financial aspects of Maxim Motors since her father is really bad at keeping track of it. Roxy has one younger sister who is 3 years younger than her, Tanya. The house that they now live in is a nice 3 bedroom house that is painted a creamy off-white color. It's a one story house but it's perfect for their small family. KitchenParents roomRoxy's roomTanya's roomRoxy and Tanya's bathroomParents bathroomFamily: Dad (Maximillius or Max) - Roxy's father is an easygoing person. He's quick to laugh and slow to anger. He loves his family very much and would do anything for them. Her father is a major car enthusiast and loves to turn used cars into his own personal projects. He also has a collection of model cars which he plans to pass onto Roxy and Tanya. Mom (Mariette or Mari) - Roxy's mom is incredibly good at math and used to teach remedial math at the local college in Lauoho. Her mom is a loud person in general. Roxy always jokes that she could hear her mom laughing from a mile away. Unlike her father, her mom gets irritated really fast and can lash out in anger at her children. Little Sister (Tanya) - Tanya can be described as a bookworm. As much as their father tried, he could not get her to be interested in cars though he still holds out hope. Tanya is a girly-girl and loves to have Roxy do her hair and dress up in the latest fashions. Sometimes Roxy worries that Tanya gets too lost in her books to notice the real world. Tanya rarely ever socializes with others and could seem a bit anti-social. Her Personality
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Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 10:46 pm
Finished and open for crit!
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Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2011 3:08 pm
Hah, I get first crit! Crit wall, go!
Anyway, I’d like to welcome you to the shop first. I’m aware that building a quest in this shop can be intimidating for newbies, so feel free to bombard me with questions. If I seem harsh at times, please keep in mind that I don’t mean to be, and am honestly trying to help you develop a character that you will have fun Rping for a long time.
That being said, it looks like you have good idea overall of your character’s personality. I think some things could use some tweaking though. For example, “Law-abiding.” I think perhaps that “Honest” or “Strong Morals” is more what you’re looking for. After all, just because there’s not a law against it doesn’t make something right. Also, there’s a potential downside to this virtue that might merit exploring. If she knew her friend stole something and would get in trouble if caught, what would Roxy do? Would she turn her friend in and let them face the music, maybe even risk their friendship, or would she keep quiet?
I think “Polite” is just scratching the surface. If she wants people to be polite to her, then is she maybe a people pleaser? Or does she want/need the approval of others? If so, that’s a fairly important character flaw you should explore, one that would make “Polite” more important. As of right now it isn’t a bad virtue, but it just doesn’t seem that important either.
Now for flaws. I know instinct is to focus on virtues, but flaws are equally important, if not more so. Flaws lend themselves to drama, angst, and sometimes even comedy during Rps. Without flaws, you’re only seeing half the picture. As it stands, the flaws Roxy has now aren’t… well, they aren’t flawed enough. Think of reasons you’d give for being friends with one person and not friends with another. “Enthusiastic” and “Honest” are good reasons to be friends with someone, but would you avoid being friends with someone else because they have a bad sense of direction and collect scented oils?
So, let’s try to maximize Roxy’s flaws. “Frank” has potential that it isn’t achieving because her polite way of being frank kinda lessens the impact. Going back to my suggestion of replacing “Polite” with “Honest” or “Strong Morals,” does she perhaps not tell white lies or sugar-coat things because she sees it as being dishonest? For example, would she answer the dreaded question “Does this dress make me look fat” with a resounding “Yes”? If so, this would be a flaw because it has the potential to not just annoy people, but to genuinely offend them, even if that’s not Roxy’s intention.
“Easily Confused” just seems weak to me. To me it seems like you mean “Slow on the Uptake,” but then how could she have learned so many varied hobbies/skills? I think this flaw needs to be focused or changed to give it more direction. All of her hobbies are hands-on, so maybe abstract ideas/concepts confuse her? Like, maybe she’d be garbage at Psychology because to her a cigar is always just a cigar. This direction would change the flaw to something like “Literal,” and could possible include problems like Roxy having an inability to pick up on sarcasm, sucking at Art and English in school, and having a bad imagination. This wouldn’t kill her artistic hobbies either, as long as you make sure to mention the fact that she has to have patterns or pictures for reference while she’s working.
On the other hand, you could say Roxy is bad with details. This would lend itself to problems like sucking at math and strategy and overlooking seemingly small but important things.
“Obsessive” could be a great flaw, but not the way it’s currently worded. She collects scented oils; so what? Now, if she hoards scented oils – buys them whenever she sees them, has a closet or two full of them, accumulates them faster then she uses them, etc. – that could be a flaw. But just collecting them isn’t a flaw. Also, you need to say how she obsesses over hair. Would she refuse to go to school on a bad hair day, even if it means she’d fail an exam? Would she start trying to fix a random classmate’s hair because it doesn’t meet her standards? Would she have to sit on her hands to avoid tackling a stranger’s cowlick?
Moving on. One minor point of confusion about her hair: are the pigtails braided? Are they loose with just a small section in them braided with the ribbon? You might want to specify.
Now for attacks. Each of Diadem’s attack names has “Ribbon” in the name, but she’s the Senshi of Hair, so… yeah. Maybe something more like “Hair Tangle” and “Hair Knot”?
Next, Senshi usually keep one path with their attacks, meaning that all of their attacks would be offensive, defensive, buff, etc., but they wouldn’t have a combination. Diadem currently goes from defensive attacks to an offensive attack.
This next part is purely opinion, but I’d suggest taking the offensive route. Many of the existing Senshi have defensive powers or buff powers, so being an offensive Senshi might make Diadem stand out a bit in Rp. Just saying. If you wanted to go pure offensive, you could go with something like “Hair Whip” and “Double Hair Whip” for her first two attack and “Hair Ribbon Slice” for her final. Again, just an opinion.
Finally, the duration you have for the first attack is too long. If a Senshi’s first attack has some sort of time limit involved, it usually only lasts between 8-15 seconds.
And… I think that’s about it! Hopefully this wall of text doesn’t scare you off and is at least vaguely useful. o.o;
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Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2011 4:50 am
Don't worry, it didn't scare me. In fact, I'm really grateful that you took the time to read through everything and write a crit for me. This will be really helpful in making Roxy/Diadem better. Thank you! You make a good point on the "law-abiding" part. I was honestly still trying to figure out if she would really betray a friend and do the right thing or if she would keep quiet. But your advice really helped me decide on that matter. I will probably change that to "strong morals". To be honest, she's a very good girl but she may not turn a friend in for everything. It would probably depend on the the rule or law that her friend broke. Say for instance, her friend started a fight with someone that provoked them and the police came to break it up. She would definitely side with her friend but as a witness she wouldn't outright lie to the police. However, if her friend stole something, she considers that a serious crime and would turn them in. Roxy isn't a people pleaser so her "polite" nature wouldn't be considered a flaw. Yes, she does want others to treat her politely but she doesn't expect it nor does she get upset when she isn't treated politely. She's just really polite in general. I'll try to clarify that part. I'm not really sure how to make it more important. >.< Any more advice on this one? Yes, that is what I meant by "frank". I'll clarify that one so that it really is a major flaw. She would tell someone they looked fat in a dress if they really did. If they got mad her, she'd most likely point out that they were the ones who asked her opinion and she was just being honest. I might end up changing the "easily confused" flaw completely. I completely agree, now that I look at it, that it's weak. Thanks for asking these questions on her "obsessive" flaw. Yes, she actually does hoard scented oils and has a closet full of them. At least, that's what I imagine when I first thought of it. But I'll make sure to edit it to be more clear on that one. If Roxy was having a bad hair day, she would miss school trying to tame her hair into something nice. There is no way she would ever go out with hair that wasn't perfect in her opinion. As for other people's hair, she would definitely get the itch to do something but would say something to the other person first or ask them if she can do their hair. It would seriously bother her though and cause her to be distracted. They are braided pigtails. Sorry I wasn't specific enough. I definitely will change her attacks to have hair in the name, thank you for the naming advice. I hope it's okay if I use them. I did notice a lot of defensive ones from the accepted senshis. I guess I could change them all to offensive. For the "Hair Whip" attack, would it be possible to just change it to an attack that constricts the opponent, almost like a snake? Would that count as offensive? Or should it just be like a regular whip but made of hair? Oh, didn't realize it was too long. Thanks for pointing it out. I'll tackle the time limit issue after I figure out what the attacks should be changed to. But I'll remember to keep it in that time frame.
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Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 9:20 am
Anyone else want to leave a crit? ^^
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Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 12:37 pm
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Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 1:09 pm
I like how she's hair oriented! It really reminds me of Millia Rage from Guilty Gear, so if you're looking to edit Roxy's attacks, I suggest you check hers out.
About her application... To me, strong morals and polite are kind of the same. Also, being polite isn't really a personality thing, so much as a manner of speech. Perhaps she's prim and proper? That would encompass the politeness, but take it further so it's a more pronounced feature of her character. It also creates its own flaws, since she could be disgusted by slobs or she has high standards for how she pleases people, and if she fails she gets depressed or keeps trying til she's irritating?
Personally I don't think frank really works with politeness, since they're antonyms in a way. Politeness is beating around the bush in nature. So, perhaps instead of frank you could have her internalize her thoughts? Then after a while of holding her tongue, she could explode on people? Maybe she constantly feels underappreciated for what she does?
Basically what I'm trying to say is her flaws don't feel very big. I do love how you use strong morals as a flaw, and that's probably my favorite of the three. However, I think frank definitely needs to go, and obsessive... Well, I think it needs some working out. These are some links that can help you decide to what degree her obsession can go: OCD and OCPD. I would suggest aiming toward OCPD if you want a serious flaw, because it's not as bad as OCD. I linked OCD so you'll recognize if you went too far. Most of the time obsessions aren't really bad enough to impact someone, so if you want it to be a flaw, I suggest you check out OCPD.
I love that she's so warm and energetic, because that gives her so much potential for RP with others. She's got some great bones, she just needs some fine tuning: a virtue to replace polite, and a flaw to replace frank. That's all I see, really.
About her outfit... I like how her colors work together, too. It definitely fits with her character being about hair fashion.
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Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:12 pm
Thank you so much for taking the time to critique my quest! Every time I played Guilty Gear, I never played Millia Rage. I'll have to look her up. I think I'll just make polite a quirk of hers because I understand where your coming from and I see how it isn't that strong of a virtue. I honestly thought that frank was a pretty good flaw, but I'll take a second look at it and see what I can come up with. Either that or I'll just get rid of it and replace it with something else. I'm actually kind of iffy on the whole obsessive flaw and was hoping someone would give me their opinion on it. I don't want it to be something as serious as OCPD. I'll think on it and maybe change that flaw too. I'm glad you like her outfit. I have to say that it took me the longest to pick out the colors because I really wanted to find colors that would match hair. Thanks again. I'll definitely use your advice to fix her up as soon as I get the time.
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Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 9:50 pm
Okay, I made some changes to her personality and added quirks.
- I decided to replace polite with protective and changed polite to a quirk. But I'm still working on fleshing out that part of her personality. (Too tired to do it now.) - Insecure has replaced obsessive as I feel it is a stronger flaw. - I decided to keep "frank" as a flaw because I feel it really defines her and that it is a good flaw after thinking about it. - I also added bossy as a quirk. I don't feel it's strong enough to be a flaw.
Any crits on Roxy would be great! I'm open to change and value all critiques.
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Posted: Fri Aug 19, 2011 5:32 am
Okay, I've finished making all the changes. Ready for more critique!
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Posted: Fri Aug 19, 2011 6:44 am
Heya Lil! I thought I'd drop in and leave a crit for you~ This will just the civilian side.
First off (and this is the only senshi thing!), I agree with Nerva - definitely thinking Millia Rage with her and her sphere being hair. XD Her overdrive "Winger" definitely comes to mind. I <3 Millia. One of my best characters when playing Guilty Gear, I think.
Anyhoo!
I have some strange questions that came up when reading her profile.
In her "sewing" hobby, is there any sort of legal repercussion to copying clothing she finds online? I mean, isn't that kind of stealing? Sure, every white shirt looks like every other white shirt, but if it's something recognizable that she's copying... I dunno! I thought of it when I was reading her "strong morals" virtue/flaw. I suppose it's something to think about.
I see a lot of using the words "always" and "never". Those are pretty absolute, so it's also something to think about when describing your character. I'm sure there's a time when Roxy isn't enthused about something (like she's tired, had a long day, it's just not that interesting, etc. etc) or times when she doesn't want to help do someone's hair. Always and never are just really strong when talking about someone's personality. Like I said, it's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just something to think about. smile
Also along with her "strong morals", you say she never ever ever cheats, does anything against the law, etc. etc. That's all well and good but... it seems like you're only scratching the surface here. We get very little of an idea as to why she has such strong morals, except that her mother instilled them into her. So she's so rigid that she'd never consider jaywalking in the middle of the night with no cars coming? She wouldn't jump in to help someone in trouble? I believe vigilantism is against the law (though I could be wrong). I guess I'm asking about those weird gray areas. Would she hesitate when faced with doing the right thing vs. doing the legal thing?
Do her friends ever get annoyed with how protective Roxy seems to be? How did she stop bullies from bothering her sister Tanya? Does she have this way with words? Does she look intimidating? From the rest of the profile, I can't picture her stopping anyone from bullying anybody unless they're much younger kids, if that makes sense.
For her "Frank" flaw, it almost reads as blunt? Like you say, she'd tell someone they did look fat. If she made someone upset, would she feel bad about it, or shrug and say, "Well, you asked."? Has she lost friends because she's not afraid to speak her opinion? How does she feel about that?
With her being insecure, you say she could do bad things to gain attention. Would this supersede her "strong morals" and "protective" virtues? I mean, if she goes all out for attention, is it "everyone else be damned"? I'm with Holy on this one - flaws are what really make the character more rounded. I'm interested to see her flaws expanded to include more depth and detail.
I hope this helps! heart heart heart
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Posted: Fri Aug 19, 2011 6:54 am
Thanks for the crit! heart I definitely understand everything you're saying and will make changes when I can. I'm too tired right now. :p Thank you for pointing out all those 'always' and 'nevers'. I didn't even notice it. >.< That would be one of the reason I really need crits. Sometimes I just need someone on the outside to point out the obvious. I will get around to answering everything you asked and changing things later today after I've gotten some sleep. (It's like 4 in the morning where I live.) I'll have to do some research on Millia Rage but I don't want to totally copy any existing character. That's why I haven't changed her attacks.
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Posted: Fri Aug 19, 2011 7:10 am
Oh, I'm certainly not trying to say that you should copy Millia's attacks - they would just be some good inspiration is all. wink You have a lovely senshi going here. heart
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