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 Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2011 11:56 am
Fiona had been exiting the Sufflepuck Cafe, nonfat latte togo in hand, when she thought she had first seen him. She paused, a hand still holding the door open, as she took a second look at the man that had caught her attention. For a moment she felt as though time had frozen, her mouth dropped open in surprise and she nearly lost her grip on her cup. She pushed herself away from the door quickly, ignoring the disgruntled people she pushed out of her way as she attempted to catch up with the dark-skinned man.
"Kam," she called once, too softly as he moved farther and farther away from her. Suddenly she was filled with a sense of desperation as she pushed through the crowds determined to catch up with him. This was the guy who disappeared on her, the only guy who she could honestly say broke her heart.
She didn't think she'd ever see him again, but there he was. And she was going to catch up with him, one way or another.
"Kam!" She cried, finally catching up with him.
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 2:30 am
In his defense, Kam rarely went anywhere without his iPod and this hot, summer day was no exception. The same broken, battered MP3 player that he had sported in highschool was shoved in his pocket and a newer set of earbuds trailed cords all the way up to his ears. A small gym bag was tossed over one shoulder and his other gripped a mostly empty water bottle. At least where he'd been in the last few hours was no surprise, even if his whereabouts for the last few years was.
"Huhn?" It was a mostly unintelligible response as his named exploded right next to his ear and he was turning around and whipping his headphones out in the same motion. Then his dark eyes swept over the paler girl that had been trying to get his attention and for a moment he froze, unable to find any smooth words for Fiona.
"Uh," his eyes shifted around, glancing from buildings to the crowd to nearby street signs. Was he looking for some fast away to escape the situation? Finally his eyes just settled back on her dual ones and a very Kam-like, sideways grin split his face. "Surprise?"
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 10:57 am
Fiona had acted on impulse when she had chased after him and now that she had him, well she did not know what she planned on doing. She settled her hand on her hips, pressing her lips together as she glared up at him. "Surprise?" She repeated none too happy with his choice of words. She wasn't happy with his grin either, did he have any idea how pissed she was at him?
Yeah, he probably did.
"Where have you been?" She questioned leaning forward towards him. She never let her gaze leave him, certain that he would up and disappear on her again. Things hadn't ended prettily for them, it had been a jumbled mess but she still hadn't expected him to up and leave the way he had. Now that he was back, what was she expecting?
She didn't know, but she figured she'd keep asking questions until she got answers. "Why did you just disappear?" Her tone soften as she frowned. She had a lot of 'whys' to ask him about.
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 7:02 pm
"In.. South America?" His voice seemed hesitant, as if he wasn't sure the truth was the right answer or maybe just not the answer she was looking to get out of him. One hand rose and rubbed at the back of his neck beneath his dreads and his eyes shot to the side just to avoid her intense gaze.
What sense did it make for him to be in South America for three years? None. He completely understood how stupid it sounded, but he wasn't lying.
Then, of course, came the ultimate question that he felt like he was going to be answering for the rest of his life. He knew why, but saying it out loud sounded stupid and not very manly. Boo hoo, he ran away because life was changing for him again. It sounded childish to him now, but what was done was done. Didn't mean he wanted to bring it up, though.
"Highschool was over and all, it just felt like it was time for a change, you know?" That was a lie, and it was probably clearly obvious in the way his face was suddenly serious and sure of itself. He added to the unlikely behavior by shrugging and pretending it was no big deal. Someone that had spent as much time with him as Fiona had could see all the little signs in Kam that just screamed I AM LYING.
Which was probably why he found her curiosity unsettling. This wasn't the time or place he wanted to discuss this. Then again, he didn't want to discuss it period.
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 9:38 pm
She didn't want to believe him, after all South America of all places? It seemed ridiculous and unbelievable but at the same time, with the way he spoke and even his hesitation, she felt inclined to believe him. Especially when it was so blatantly obvious that his second statement was a lie. Her frown returned and her brow crinkled ever so slightly with disappointment.
She hated when he lied to her, hated it even more when she could see right through it.
"Kam," she said his name pointedly, almost like she was scolding him. He knew better than to lie to her, at least that's what she thought. Of course she had always thought more highly of him than he probably deserved. Despite everything that had happened between them, she still thought too highly of him.
She couldn't help it.
"Don't feed me that 'it was time for a change' bullshit. Is that the same excuse you're going to give me once I start asking why you..." she trailed off averting her gaze briefly. She looked back up at him sadly. "Why you did what you did." She didn't want to say it, saying it aloud...confronting him about it in the middle of a crowded street made it too real, too personal.
"You know I never did like scooting around the truth."
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 9:53 pm
He actually winced slightly when she said his name, if only because it carried all the accusation she had been building up for years. Fiona had been in the same place, living the same life with the same people, dwelling on the past while Kam had escaped all his problems and lived a life of adventure and carelessness. He had to come home and face the music some time, but the longer he was gone, the more time she probably had to think about it.
"C'mon Fee, do we have to do this s**t right now?" He managed to look back up at her eyes instead of using an avoidance tactic and staring off into space. He looked guilty though. Even if he was an a*****e he still felt bad about doing it to her.
"Look," he grimaced and rubbed a hand over his face, then glanced over his shoulder in the direction he had originally been heading. "Bo's place is just around the corner. If you really want to have this damn talk, we can do it there, but I'm not going to make a show in the middle of the street for everyone." He drew enough attention when he wasn't arguing with a pretty girl in the middle of a crowded sidewalk. He didn't want to add concerned bystanders into the equation.
He wasn't even really mad, or upset, just.. really not looking forward to what she wanted to talk about. Even though his vocabulary was as colorful as ever, there was no heat behind the swears. He seemed defeated already, maybe because he already knew he was the loser.
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 10:14 pm
"When else would we do it?"
Her reply was quick and had as much edge to it as any of her other words. She fully believed that if she hadn't seen him by chance, or cornered him when he couldn't flee then they wouldn't be speaking at all. He did disappear for, god how many years was it? She thought about it, it had been about three years. Three years and she was finally seeing him again, she was surprised he even returned.
"Fine," she replied dropping her hand from her hip to push a stray lock of hair back behind her ear. "We can go where ever you want but we are having this conversation whether you like it or not," she told him sharply. She didn't care where the conversation took place as long as it did, he had gotten away once without talking to her. She'd be damned if she let it happen ******** that, she wasn't going to let it happen again period.
She had spent three years without closure, without a clue as to where her once perfect boyfriend went or why he did what he did. She needed answers and she was going to get them.
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 10:27 pm
He gave her one last glance before he simply sighed and waved his hand at her to follow him.
"Come on, then." He turned back the way he was going and made a big deal of stuff the cords of his earbuds into his pocket with his ipod. He avoided looking at her most of the way, except brief glances to make sure she was following - or maybe they were hopeful ones that she had gotten lost and he didn't have to do this.
As the apartment complex loomed around the next corner, he fished in one of his pockets and found the small set of keys that held the spare Bo had gotten for him. He lead her through the complex, up to the door of the two bedroom place he was crashing in, and unlocked it. He glanced over it briefly before he walked in, holding the door for and extending his arm to let her pass through.
"Excuse the mess, three guys and all." It wasn't that bad, apart from a shirt tossed on the back of the couch and a dozen or so empty soda cans shoved in every little corner. He shut the door behind him, threw all of his things into the corner, then flopped gracelessly down on the couch. He listened for a minute to make sure both of the other guys were gone, then turned his dark eyes on her.
"Now you can b***h all you want. They can't arrest me for looking ominous here." He smirked at his own, awful joke but immediately started rummaging around for something. The walk had given him a little confidence, but the apartment gave him more distractions. He didn't seem like he was willing to bring it up first.
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 10:34 pm
She was practically on his heels the entire way to Bo's apartment. She knew he hoped she would lose him in the crowd and she had no intention of doing that, no now that she had found him again she refused to lose him. There was too much riding on the conversation, or nothing at all really but she needed to hear his reasons. She didn't like how things had abruptly ended.
She had a hard time accepting it.
"It's fine," she replied stepping into the apartment as he held the door open for her. She didn't bother looking around, much like she didn't bother paying attention on how they ended up here. She didn't think she'd be back any time soon after.
She didn't laugh at his feeble attempt at a joke, instead she found his garbage can and tossed her drink away before turning towards him, arms folding over her chest. "Why?" She wasn't angry as she spoke, instead the single word came out softly, sadly. "I don't understand," she mumbled with a sigh. "What happened?"
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 10:59 pm
He could have handled angry, enraged, or pissed off but when she spoke to him and was genuinely sad, he grimaced. If she was going to start crying he wasn't sure he could do this.
"Fee," he started, in that same arrogant, unconcerned tone that he had with everyone, but when he tried to force out some shitty response, the expression on his face faltered and finally changed. His apathy melted and let him frowning and his eyes dropped to the floor to stare at the space between her feet instead. Gradually, he leaned up and propped his elbows on his knees, letting his hands hang limply between them.
He really had to talk about this s**t.
"You saw what happened, I don't know how else you want me to explain that." He let his head hand a little and brought his hand up to rub at the back of his neck, the same way he had before. "I got stoned, she was there, you walked in. It's a pretty damn good recipe for a disaster." He dropped his hand but left his head hanging for a moment, trying to stare holes through the floor of Bo's ragged living room carpet.
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 11:06 pm
She found herself looking at the ground, avoiding his gaze like he had avoided hers earlier. She had been so determined to just reach this point that she hadn't really thought about what would happen once she got there. She had expected to be angry, to be yelling at him but instead she was sad and speaking meekly. She didn't like the feeling but being around Kam, remembering what happened made her feel fragile.
"No, I know what happened that night," she said looking up as she moved forward, standing just behind the couch. Her fingers grazed the top of the couch before her palms sunk down and she let her weight rest down on her arms.
This was going to be harder than she thought.
"I don't mean about that night, no wait, I do but," she shook her head frustrated that the words weren't coming out right. "I'm not asking about that now. Not that specifically, I saw what happened but I don't understand why, or rather what happened to us," she sighed tilting her head towards him, a frown on her lips.
Things had been good between them, almost great actually then suddenly and drastically everything changed. "She wasn't the first one was she?" She had heard rumors but had constantly brushed them away while they were dating. Always insisting that Kam wasn't like that, they had a good relationship and he'd never cheat on her.
Of course she'd been wrong.
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 11:17 pm
"No, she wasn't the first one."
It was quiet, guilty, with all of the regret he could fit into seven syllables. He wasn't brave enough to look at her face when he said it but the way his body tensed was enough of a sign.
"Nothing about us changed, Fee, I changed." Then he knew it was coming, all the things he didn't want to talk about, things he couldn't even talk to his own brother about - and not just because the little ******** didn't remember. He groaned slightly and flopped back into the couch, planting one hand on his face and trying uselessly to rub away his memories. He and Bo were definitely going drinking tonight, or at least someone was taking the time off to babysit him.
"I didn't want to talk about that s**t, okay? You are always nagging at me to express myself, and tell you how I was feeling, and just.. ********, woman. Do you know what that's like?" He frowned immediately and shook his head at his small outburst, waving a hand at her to stop her from flipping her s**t on him before he could apologize for the tone. "No, don't take it that way. I am glad you were being supportive, but I didn't want support then. I just wanted to self destruct."
He still liked to, occasionally, but he had gotten most of his angry binges out when there were more dangerous things to deal with - like everything ever in the Amazon.
"I left because I realized I was going bad places, and I went to work on me. Is that honest enough?"
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 11:24 pm
She didn't know how to react when he admitted that the bimbo she had caught him with three years ago was not the first one. The rumors had been true and all she could feel was an ache in her heart. Her fingers dug into the top of the couch before curling into a fist, it was the only way she could think of to keep herself from crying.
She wasn't going to cry, not again. Not because of him.
"No," she answered quietly looking down again instead of at him. "No I don't know what's it like," she replied slowly lifting her head to look at him. She knew things had been hard for him, she could only imagine the pain he was going through but that was the problem. She could only imagine, she didn't know what it was like to lose his family, to want nothing more than to shut down and cut everyone else off. She had only wanted to help him but it had been what had pushed him away from her in the end.
"How am I supposed to know? You wouldn't talk to me! About anything!" Her tone was escalating, her fury beginning to unlock itself. She could feel tears burning in the corners of her eyes but she bit them back. No, she wouldn't cry. "I...I..." she trailed off hating that she had begun to stutter in front of him.
"I know you were hurting, but I was hurting too. I got to watch as my boyfriend shut down on me and there wasn't anything I could do about it," she hissed, swallowing in an effort to control her emotions. There was so much more she wanted to say to him, she just didn't know where to begin.
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 11:38 pm
He frowned and turned his head away to stare in the opposite direction, listening as each word rolled off her tongue, as all of the emotions poured out of her and swelled over him.
"I'm sorry," just two sad, broken little words. He had hurt her because he was in pain and he couldn't change it.
Kam didn't like to hurt women or toy with their emotions, he had never meant to do it to Fiona. She had been his best friend once, his first love, and at one time in his life she had been everything to him. That time was in the past, though, before he had lost all of the things he had once taken for granted. Their relationship was as dead as the promising, full-of-life teenager he had once been.
"Don't cry for me, Fee." Even in the place where he felt guilty, where he could feel the abyss he had put between them, he could also see the emotions on her face. Maybe it was because of the guilt that it tore at him so badly, or maybe some part of him did still care about her more than he wanted to say. Whatever it was, he pushed himself off of the couch and came around it to stand in front of her.
He wanted to hug her, hold him to her so she could cry without him seeing the tears, but that was a physical boundary that felt wrong to breech without her asking him to. He didn't deserve that kind of intimacy with her anymore and he knew that.
"You're too good to cry for me." He leaned down, just slightly, so he could look into her eyes. All of the emotions were clear on his face - regret, guilt, pain. Despite it all he was trying to give her some kind of comfort, or anything to give her the confidence to be the bold, brave person he knew she was. He had ******** up and there was nothing to blame her for, except being a person that was too good for him.
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 11:53 pm
Sorry wasn't good enough for her, it would never be good enough for her but she knew that at that moment it was all he had to offer her. Once upon a time they had been so solid, so happy and clearly in love. Everything had changed so quickly, too fast for her to understand. All at once the balance had shifted and things had gone from good to bad and she had been helpless to prevent it.
"Do you have any idea how much it still hurts?" She asked, her voice barely above a whisper as she turned her head away from him. She didn't want him to see her when she did start crying. "That night...that night," she stuttered trying to find the words to complete her sentence. The night she had found him with that girl had torn at her and sometimes continued to tear at her. She had asked herself, constantly for months after, what had been wrong with her.
Was she not pretty enough for him anymore? Did the girl kiss better than her? Or was she just willing to give him everything more easily?
She had constantly been asking herself what she had done wrong, had she pushed him too hard? Should she have given him more space or should she have realized that he was spiraling down into a state she no longer recognized sooner. For a long time she considered it mostly her fault, she hadn't been good enough for him.
But then he was here saying she was just too good for him.
She wasn't sure she could believe him. She was sure he was being honest with her now, but she couldn't help but doubt every word that came out of his lips. He had lied to her once, what would stop him from doing so again. "I..I kept thinking that there was something I could have done to prevent all of this from happening, that I could some how fix it," she told him suddenly facing him, tears running down her face.
She couldn't help it, she was overwhelmed by her emotions that she couldn't help but cry. "I only wanted to be there for you," she sucked in a shaky breath. "You were my everything Kam, and I wanted to be your everything," she admitted stepping towards him.
Her instincts were telling her to stop there, to keep from moving another step but for this moment, just for a brief second she wanted him to hold her. She didn't care that things would never be the same, that it was unlikely if not impossible for them to ever return to the state they were once in but for this brief moment she wanted him to hold her. To comfort her like he used to.
So she threw herself into him, wrapping her arms around him and pressing her face into his chest. It didn't mean anything, it didn't mean that he was forgiven or that she wanted things to return to how they used to be. No, all she wanted was a brief moment of comfort and to keep him from seeing the tears that continued to spill.
She didn't want him to see her crying anymore.
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